Bitterness and Resentment are Super-Unattractive

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I find it really interesting to not participate in some conversations, but just observe. I have a highly critical side, and I can see that people cripple themselves socially by complaining all the time. Other people want to avoid them, and will inevitably trash-talk them. We all know how unpleasant if feels to get stuck with someone who won't stop complaining, no matter how justified their complaints.

I can think of several times where I had made a mental note of some behavior that cost people points socially, and said to myself, "Wow, what a stupid way to behave. How can they not see how they've put people off?" Then, later, I listen to myself speaking, and realize that I've done the same thing. Do you think it comes from autism that some of us seem to have a disconnect in our thinking in that regard?

I think it comes with being human. Seriously, no sarcasm or snark intended. It looks one way when you're on the outside / spectator, but it's different when you're on the inside / receiving end.

(Edit in: ref. the 2 comments immed. below, I was also unaware there might be more to this than met the eye. No unkindness was meant to anyone.)

Could you clarify for me exactly what or who INSPIRED this thread??

Because I've had a REALLY lousy day, and I posted in THE HAVEN about something that I think you've twisted in order to post this.

Thanks a bunch for taking something from The HAVEN and deciding to bring it out here just to bash someone.

Because I think that's what you've done here.

Someone said "If you want to find the person who can change your life, look in the mirror". I can't recall who it was, but there's volumes of meaning in those sixteen words. (BirdinFlight, I was unaware of your post here when I posted my comment, it's not aimed at you in any way).

If it were me I'd still allow for the delete or edit button to stay even after you posted after an extended period of time. I think that there is instead a huge misunderstanding in miscommunication coming from people with different viewpoints on the world and having different personalities with different experiences in life.

Maybe people on the spectrum have to learn how to recognize it, as though it was in the third person.

I complained ALOT when I was depressed & single & lonely because it helped me analyze & sort things out & I wanted advice & to find others who could relate. I ticked alot of people off thou which was never my intent. I was more attracted to people who were negative because I felt they could relate & sympathize with me. My current girlfriend has depression & anxiety stuff along with physical issues/disabilities. I have a history of anxiety & depression & have physical issues & disabilities too & I'm alot happier with her than I was single. I like being supportive within a relationship & felt it was one of my strengths so I talked about that a lot when I talked about trying to find someone. Cass was attracted to that & sent me a PM after reading a lot of my posts. Sure her negativity can get to me sometimes but I do my best to try & help her feel better or help the situation so our relationship works for the most part. Yeah things aren't perfect but no relationship is. What"s important is that we're both committed to trying to make our relationship work & we deal with things as best we can.

I have learned that people who complain or who are super negative aren't happy people and they want to bring everyone else down where they are.

This may be true sometimes, but I do not believe it is always the case. You need to be able to tell who is just a sh*t-stirrer and who has been emotionally harmed.

Sh*t-stirrers tend to be narcissistic, get a kick out of creating conflict, and have a real talent for keeping their own hands clean while they goad others into those conflicts. They tend to thrive in hierarchies of various sorts and are easy to recognize as an adult if you can remain detached and observe.

Psychiatric injury is a very different and very real thing, and people who have been repeatedly emotionally traumatized - for instance, by having to live with or work for sh*t-stirrers - may be both bitter and resentful about it, especially if they have not found any way to stop it, or have been trapped in an environment that is so inimical that their efforts are constantly and deliberately thwarted. As for instance when the sh*t-stirrer is their boss, or the CEO.

We have the term "abuse" or its equivalent in our languages for a reason.

A lot of magical thinking is peddled to people as a way of training them to disempower themselves and sabotage any social change that might benefit whoever their society (as small as a family or workplace, as large as a nation or "race") depends on victimizing. The notion that we create our own reality is first on that list, see also "the law of attraction", which is a tidy way to blame people for their misfortunes so that the blamer can feel superior and won't do anything to help them.

When abuse survivors are able to genuinely escape abuse - that is to say, they get away from a domestic abuser for example, then don't encounter another of the same, or workplace abuse, or church abuse, or any of the other variations - it can take years for them to heal, if they ever manage it. Part of that healing may require disclosure. Part of the injury may be a desperation to find someone, anyone, to whom they can disclose without being judged.

N.B. Lifeguards are trained to deal with the fact that a panicked, drowning swimmer will pull the lifeguard under if not appropriately restrained during rescue. This is not because the swimmer wants to drown and is trying to take the lifeguard with him or her. It is because we are not wired well for self preservation in that situation. The analogy holds.

Tread gently. If you don't know which it is, it's a lot more humane to assume injury than nefarious intent, and if their pain is too much for you to handle, the kindest thing to do is to just let them be in peace.

You make some good points.

Thank you.

(or if preferred...)

I don't find such people particularly unattractive unless their complaints seem unwarranted.

I think someone who was always happy and content no matter how terrible her life was would be way more unattractive.