This is me, or is it?

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Hi there, I'm 28, female, no formal diagnosis, but have considered the possibility of having ASD off and on for nearly a decade, starting about 8 years ago when I took a college course on families living with autistic children. I kept coming home from class convinced that I was autistic. It became kind of a joke between my then-boyfriend and I, and I would sometimes do some stimming behaviors in front of him because I could do it jokingly and brush it off. They were things I'd always done, since I was young - like hand-flapping and little vocal outbursts and jumping up and down when I'm feeling intensely giddy or excited, but I had kind of always known that was weird, and not to do that in front of other people. He always reminded me after a joke about it that I couldn't be autistic because I was so emotional and empathetic and functioned so well.

The college boyfriend moved on, and I finished both my undergraduate degree (animal science) and a master's degree (education), but I also didn't make a single close friend that "stuck" while I was in college. Since I went to college far away from where I grew up and then ultimately moved back "home", all my friends from high school evaporated when I went to college, and all my college friends evaporated when I moved back. I have made two friends that have mostly "stuck" since being back, and have managed to mostly maintained one friendship from high school through both moves.

I struggled with dating after the college boyfriend. I went on LOTS of first dates that I met through free online services, but I would get to the date and either just be so BORED that I couldn't focus on the date or participate once I knew I wasn't interested, or I would feel like I needed to constantly fill the silent spaces with my awkward conversation, so I'm sure I talked about myself too much, talked about work too much, talked about animals too much... I also tend to share personal details about my life too quickly with new people, including sensitive ones. I trust quickly and easily and have trouble distinguishing situations where I should shut up or withhold information, and I don't lie well. I didn't see many of the guys I went out with during this time more than once (if they bored me) or twice (when I liked them and they just wanted to make sure I really was that weird).

After I finished my masters, I found myself in a public-facing job and felt like I was learning how to converse with people better and overcoming some of my awkward social issues. Eye contact has always felt "wrong" to me, which didn't improve in this job. Realistically I think my ability to talk to people was still probably not "right", either. Eventually, the job started causing me daily anxiety and exhaustion. I started having all sorts of physical symptoms that I focused on - strange parasthesias on my extremities like they were burning or freezing or wet or being poked with a hot needle; sensations of being constantly off balance and increased tripping on stairs and anything on the ground (flat piece of plywood, hose, tuft of grass, fresh air); my fingers, hands, and feet started twitching at random, and I would get extreme hand tremors whenever rushed, stressed, or otherwise emotional.

During this time I also managed to meet a guy that stuck - three years so far, we've lived together for two. He's an odd duck, and I've been convinced he's "on the spectrum" more than once since we first started dating, but he's undiagnosed and doesn't know I've ever even thought this (though one of his friend's wives agrees). Still, ASD wasn't on the radar for me when I was having all my physical symptoms.

Often, this forum would come up when I was Googling a new symptom, but I had convinced myself it was something physical. I believed there could be big glaring lesions on my brain or a tumor, but it couldn't just be "bad wiring". After a year of the physical symptoms, I left my full-time job for self-employment and some part-time work outside the home. Not really blaming the old job (it was a planned transition that came a little sooner than expected) but I was also hoping that it would alleviate some of the problems I was starting to have.

Unfortunately, without a routine being imposed on me by someone like a parent, teacher, or employer, I'm terrible at self-motivating. In general, I think I rely heavily on other people's expectations of me to actually function. Employers expect me to be at work on time, so I get myself there. People expect me to be clean, so I shower and change my clothes (when leaving the house...not good at this if no one will be seeing me, boyfriend sadly counts as no one). Customers expect me to deliver their goods on time, so I can and do. But if someone isn't expecting something from me, I just. can't. do. it. for myself. Instead, I fall into learning about something I'm really, really interested in or working on a special project for hours on end, blowing off any other responsibility I may have had (like laundry, dishes, even caring for pets, and personal grooming). The intense interests come and go quickly, though, and change often. Ask me about how many knitting projects I've furiously started, obsessed over for a week, and then abandoned on the needles for a year...

And even then, there are times when I know what's expected, and I still can't do it. Like paying bills on time. Or scheduling a vet appointment for the dogs or horses. Or getting up and doing farm chores in the morning. Even just responding to a communication from someone. Once I miss a deadline, I just feel hopeless, like I can't go back and fix it, and every hour and every day that passes just heaps on more anxiety about having not done it. I get to where I can't check my voicemail or my email or the postal mail because I know I'm failing to meet someone's expectations and I can't deal with it. And often, I've failed to meet their expectations because I was engaging in a special interest, so then I feel even more guilt over the whole deal.

I was starting to think I was just a massive failure at life: terrible at making and keeping friends, unable to keep up with the pressures of a full-time job, struggling with self-employment, disappointing those around me because I can't respond to them, having the utilities threaten to disconnect for non-payment. I actually lost my insurance due to non-payment earlier this year, and went without for three months because I couldn't pull myself together to deal with it. I was spending all day every day wondering WTF is wrong with me? But I couldn't actually get myself to do anything about it besides read. And read. And read. I've nearly driven one of my three remaining friends away with my constant hypochondrias.

Then, an acquaintance from a retail job I had in college, who is now a therapist, posted an article on her Facebook page about how autism is different in girls. I read it and identified a little bit, but kind of tucked it away in my brain since it came up during my busy (and mostly functional) time of year. Now that I'm back into my "down time" of year and I have too much time on my hands, I'm back to researching my "wtf is wrong with me" issues. I'm not sure what triggered it, but I remembered her shared article, and wanted to read it again. I couldn't find the one she shared, specifically, but I DID find the "checklists" of autistic tendencies in females. After highlighting a shocking portion of the lists that I identify with, I find myself here, wondering. I'm not ready to totally dismiss all the physical symptoms yet, and since regaining insurance I plan to see a Dr soon to start the process again (because the anxiety won't let me rule out a brain tumor or MS just yet) but I am wondering.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Hello and welcome! You sound like you're in the right place because many of us in these forums suffer from much of what you've described in great detail.

For myself I also suffer from many Autism-typical problems like severe social anxieties, lack of eye contact, extreme sensory perception and intolerance, failing to meet an NT's (neuro-typical) expectations (very stressful), obsessive special interests, incontinence, severe anxiety in general, depression, self-harm, stimming, etc. etc. The list goes on.

Be as honest as you can here and you'll find many commonalities with many people here.

Hello
When it was first suggested, strongly and with the emphasis on the negatives, that I was Aspie, my research wasn't deep enough, lots of rubbish about us not having feelings,and I thought my eye contact was good. It was a random artical 15 years latter by a female Aspie that opened my eyes, normally I have little in common with other women, but there were loads of thing that were me, I mean that I'd thought were JUST me, that turn out to be common amongst female Aspies. Since being on this sight, just after I got my diagnosis, I've noticed haw varied Aspies are compared with the standard descriptions of us. When I was assessed she told me things about how I came across that I had been unaware of, so I would recommend going for an assessment when you can, but prepare yourself for learning some things that might be uncomfortable, I believe I would have found it easier to adjust if I had been warned, I had thought my difficulty would be in persuading her I wasn't wasting her time. It's only been about seven weeks since my assessment and this sight has been a lifeline, I think you may find it helpful too.

Thanks to those who took the time to read my novel! My new insurance starts Wednesday, and I've found a psychologist I think I'd like to see. I had been planning to find one anyway for the anxiety issues, but she also specializes in autism/aspergers and women's issues, so I'm thinking it might be a good fit with how I'm feeling now. Since I've been considering this possibility for a few weeks now, so much of my entire life seems to suddenly make sense...and not at all in a negative way! It's like being given new permission to accept all these things about myself that I thought were not right.

In making an appointment with a psychologist, is it acceptable as an adult to go in and say "I think I have Aspergers because I read a list online" or is it better to just go for the anxiety and see what comes out?

In making an appointment with a psychologist, is it acceptable as an adult to go in and say "I think I have Aspergers because I read a list online" or is it better to just go for the anxiety and see what comes out?[/quote]

I think you should ask for an assessment for an autism spectrum disorder, afterwards they should be able to tell you whereabouts on the spectrum you are, eg. Asperger's. Don't worry about having having done some research, as in order to ask for the assessment, you have to have sort of diagnosed yourself in order to know to ask for it.

I didn't mean to sound as if my assessment was negative because it was amazing, my first experience of someone actually getting me But finding out that my emotions don't show on the outside was a shock, I had thought I was expressive and that other people just didn't care when I was upset which is completely hypocritical of me because I knew I could never read other peoples emotions. I am getting used to the idea now

Update: I was able to email the psychologist, mentioning I had phone anxiety and my general concern about the possibility of an undiagnosed autism spectrum disorder, and she responded today letting me know she can see me the week of the 13th. She hoped that wouldn't discourage me, but it's perfect. I love having lots of advance notice of things.

I certainly appreciate the advance warning about what I might learn about myself, too. I'm trying to stay really open and focus on how learning whatever I learn will ultimately be really positive for me in getting along in life.

Wow that's really quick, my appointment took 10 months to come through. Good luck

I have an appointment! I was able to get one for 11/27, and the psych is respecting my phone anxiety and communicating via email. Anxiously waiting for answers of any kind.

Regardless of the outcome of the appointment, reading others' experiences here has been so helpful for me and I'm grateful to everyone who shares here. Since coming here, I've been able to be easier on myself for a lot of what has frustrated me for many, many years.

Just wanted to check in since I had my initial appointment yesterday.

It was a comfortable office and the psychologist made me feel welcome, so I was able to talk a lot. I even talked about how I'd seen someone else in that office 14 years ago as a teenager and how I didn't talk about anything in those appointments. Since I confirmed it was indeed me that she'd seen in the computer when setting this appointment up, she'll be able to pull that chart to see what's on it.

We talked a lot about my issues with clothing as a kid and my difficulties making friends - how my mom used to try to make friends for me but it usually didn't work out, and how my parents used to have to remind me to "be nice" before kids came over to play at my house. We also talked about my relationships, work experiences, and my need for routine. Overall I felt like it was a productive hour and we covered a lot of my history. She sent me home with two questionnaires: the Cambridge Friendship Questionnaire and a Sensory Processing questionnaire, and she set me up with another appointment next week.

She mentioned being in "evaluation mode" vs "counseling mode", but I don't know if that means she's actually working through a formal diagnosis process for me or if that's just what she calls the intake stage. It seems like most people here that have had a formal evaluation have had it all at once in a day or two days, not over several weeks of appointments, so I'm just not sure what I'm getting here, and of course I didn't think to ask. She didn't specifically say whether she thought I did or didn't have autism at this appointment (and I told her I didn't care what it was, I just need to know WHY I don't ever feel normal, whether it's depression, anxiety, or autism) but she did end by saying she thought I was raising some very important questions about myself.

Well done. First off, don't knock yourself up for not asking if it was an assessment, you had a lot of stuff to get through. How about making a note of things like that and putting them in an email to her ahead of your next appointment.

Maybe separate appointments rather than one big one and a small follow on are better. There are a few things that I didn't think to mention in mine because I didn't think to at the time and because it was following a very set pattern dictated by the set questions, although she did allow for veering off a lot when I had trouble explaining exactly what I meant.

Good luck for next time

Had my second appointment today, finished my formal evaluation (it was one), and received an autism diagnosis. Even though my initial response was "I figured", she talked to me a little bit about the stages of grief I might experience as I come to terms with the official diagnosis, then told me I could take that and take some time to think on it, or could keep working with her to help navigate things like disclosure and developing strategies to cope. I said I'd see her next week.

That sounds like a good idea, it also sounds as if you are getting on/feel comfortable with her. I'm going to say congratulations, not because great your Autistic, but because getting an answer is a good start to anything.

Thanks! I know what you mean. Having an answer is indeed a good feeling. I told her I was feeling some relief because now I know it's not "just me", which I guess means that I feel some validation in knowing why I am the way I am...that there is a why and I'm not making all this stuff up or just being "too sensitive" all the time.