My struggles in finding a girlfriend

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karathraceandherspecialdestiny
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11 Nov 2017, 5:40 pm

Marknis wrote:
They aren't theoretical people. They are the high school bullies who terrorized me, ex-friends who couldn't exploit me anymore, and judgmental family members.


This is not the point of what I said. Whoever they are and whatever they've said or think about you, you are handing them all the power by still thinking and acting in reaction to them rather than acting in your own best interest. You are making them powerful, you are investing power in them by caring about their opinion of you and your life. You need to sort out your priorities so that the opinions of others about your life don't carry so much weight, more weight than your own mental health does.

If you didn't care so much what others think, it would be much easier to set aside this unhealthy obsession.



Marknis
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11 Nov 2017, 5:54 pm

karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
Marknis wrote:
They aren't theoretical people. They are the high school bullies who terrorized me, ex-friends who couldn't exploit me anymore, and judgmental family members.


This is not the point of what I said. Whoever they are and whatever they've said or think about you, you are handing them all the power by still thinking and acting in reaction to them rather than acting in your own best interest. You are making them powerful, you are investing power in them by caring about their opinion of you and your life. You need to sort out your priorities so that the opinions of others about your life don't carry so much weight, more weight than your own mental health does.

If you didn't care so much what others think, it would be much easier to set aside this unhealthy obsession.


But do I have to give up on ever having a girlfriend completely? I don't want to because I really want to feel loved and to share my life with a special partner.



Marknis
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11 Nov 2017, 6:09 pm

RetroGamer87 wrote:
Marknis wrote:
karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
Marknis wrote:
karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
Marknis wrote:
karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
fluffysaurus wrote:
I think a male Aspie's chances of meeting someone who appreciates them would increase with age because what women want changes as they mature.

I eat healthy and I'm not overweight and apparently it's that easy. No, what a woman really needs is the ability to say 'Oh, your so clever and wonderful.' 'Your always right' 'Ahhhh! it's a spider! save me, save me!' in a convincing manner. Thus, I am single, I'm a s**t liar.

A lot of women do deceive themselves and very annoying it is too but I hardly think it's typical of the women on this site who possibly like me have had a lifetime of being accused of not having any feelings because they've told people the truth when that person has begged them for it, not realising that 'tell me the truth' actually means 'please lie to me.'


Exactly--men say they want women who don't lie, but when they actually encounter women that don't lie they realize they don't actually want women to tell them the truth because they don't want to hear the truth from us and then they hate us for being truthful, or they choose not to believe us and just assume we are lying about everything because we are women. We just can't win whether we are honest or not.


I don't think like that at all. I'd rather be with someone authentic over someone who is fake any day.

A lot of women in the Bible Belt want to be with only Christian men, even if they are open to pre-marital sex. I've actually been rejected by someone who said that it was bad I wasn't Christian but she was having pre-marital sex with guys who called themselves Christian. How screwed up is that? The Bible Belt tries to put on a moral and upright guise when it's extremely "sinful" in reality.
Some guys might tell me "Just call yourself a Christian, dude!" but if the girl found out I wasn't telling the truth, I would get kicked to the curb by her.


I didn't mean you, you don't strike me that way. I was referring to the guy who actually said in this thread that women are liars.


Do you have anything to say about my struggles?


If you want my honest opinion, I think you are unhealthily obsessed with acquiring a girlfriend when your life circumstances make that nearly impossible. I think all you can do is treat the obsession or change your circumstances. It seems like for now changing your circumstances (like moving to a new area) is not possible, so you should work on treating the obsession. I think you said you see a therapist, what has this therapist done to help shift your hyperfocus to something other than relationships? They should be helping you learn to think about other things and not focus on this one issue exclusively to the detriment of your mental health. Is it possible you have a comorbid condition like OCD that is contributing to this obsessive focus on getting a girlfriend?

Honestly, I don't think making all these threads on the same topic helps you, either. You're just stewing. You need to find a way to focus on something else. It's like you've made dating your special interest, except you can't go on dates so your interest is thwarted and has become this unhealthy obsession. You need to move on to something else that doesn't make you so unhappy to think about. Focus your interest on something that you can actually do and that makes you happy or stew in this obsessive unhappiness forever, it's up to you really.


I am short on time at the moment so I'll have to get back to you on the questions. I have a hard time changing my focus because I feel like if I don't stop thinking about the girlfriend issue, it means the people who bullied me will celebrate my loss and that the last ten years of my life were all in vain. I don't want the people who told me "You're never getting a girlfriend!" to say "See? Told you! You are a loser!" at all.

Don't give in Marknis! You can get a girlfriend and prove those people wrong! Your former bullies will be eating their words!


They were the worst. In Bible Belt culture, some idiots think bullies "toughen up" their victims but I can tell you that it did not do that for me.

By the way, I wish Alliekit was still posting. She was nice to me and didn't tell me I was unworthy of having a relationship. People like Chichikov and Angel Rho only tear me down.



karathraceandherspecialdestiny
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11 Nov 2017, 6:21 pm

Marknis wrote:
karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
Marknis wrote:
They aren't theoretical people. They are the high school bullies who terrorized me, ex-friends who couldn't exploit me anymore, and judgmental family members.


This is not the point of what I said. Whoever they are and whatever they've said or think about you, you are handing them all the power by still thinking and acting in reaction to them rather than acting in your own best interest. You are making them powerful, you are investing power in them by caring about their opinion of you and your life. You need to sort out your priorities so that the opinions of others about your life don't carry so much weight, more weight than your own mental health does.

If you didn't care so much what others think, it would be much easier to set aside this unhealthy obsession.


But do I have to give up on ever having a girlfriend completely? I don't want to because I really want to feel loved and to share my life with a special partner.


No, you don't need to give up but you do need to learn to think about something else until thinking about getting a girlfriend is not so detrimental to your well-being. When you are not mired in obsessive thinking, then you can address the issue when you are better able to do so without making an unhealthy obsession out of it.

Think of it like an addiction to overeating--you obviously can't give up eating completely to cure yourself as you'd just starve. What you would need to do is develop a healthier relationship with food so that you are able to regularly eat only what you need to stay healthy. You shouldn't give up on the idea of having relationships with women, but you need to put off addressing it until you are able to do so without obsessing over it in a way that harms you and makes you so unhappy.

This is stuff your therapist should be addressing with you, how to redirect your thoughts away from this fixation until it stops harming you to think about getting a girlfriend. Right now all you're doing is repeatedly picking a scab off a wound so it can't heal properly. You need the psychological equivalent of one of those cones they put on dogs to keep them from chewing on their stitches.



kraftiekortie
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11 Nov 2017, 6:22 pm

You should not preclude yourself from trying to find a girlfriend.

Just put the "pursuit" on the "back burner." Simple as that.

You're a smart guy. You have ideas that a sensible woman would respect.

Yes, there are sensible women in the Bible Belt. I have met them.



Temeraire
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11 Nov 2017, 6:25 pm

Marknis wrote:
karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
Marknis wrote:
They aren't theoretical people. They are the high school bullies who terrorized me, ex-friends who couldn't exploit me anymore, and judgmental family members.


This is not the point of what I said. Whoever they are and whatever they've said or think about you, you are handing them all the power by still thinking and acting in reaction to them rather than acting in your own best interest. You are making them powerful, you are investing power in them by caring about their opinion of you and your life. You need to sort out your priorities so that the opinions of others about your life don't carry so much weight, more weight than your own mental health does.

If you didn't care so much what others think, it would be much easier to set aside this unhealthy obsession.


But do I have to give up on ever having a girlfriend completely? I don't want to because I really want to feel loved and to share my life with a special partner.


You have the same rights as everyone else and if this is to feel loved and share your life with a special partner then so be it.

People are shaped by their past experiences. When you say how some people have used their words as weapons against you, some even hoping to toughen you up, this can traumatise. Too many people can be careless with their words and actions without thinking about the consequences.

I say don't give up your dream.

Keep going and if others don't like it they don't have to read your threads.



sly279
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11 Nov 2017, 6:38 pm

Marknis wrote:
RetroGamer87 wrote:
Marknis wrote:
karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
Marknis wrote:
karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
Marknis wrote:
karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
fluffysaurus wrote:
I think a male Aspie's chances of meeting someone who appreciates them would increase with age because what women want changes as they mature.

I eat healthy and I'm not overweight and apparently it's that easy. No, what a woman really needs is the ability to say 'Oh, your so clever and wonderful.' 'Your always right' 'Ahhhh! it's a spider! save me, save me!' in a convincing manner. Thus, I am single, I'm a s**t liar.

A lot of women do deceive themselves and very annoying it is too but I hardly think it's typical of the women on this site who possibly like me have had a lifetime of being accused of not having any feelings because they've told people the truth when that person has begged them for it, not realising that 'tell me the truth' actually means 'please lie to me.'


Exactly--men say they want women who don't lie, but when they actually encounter women that don't lie they realize they don't actually want women to tell them the truth because they don't want to hear the truth from us and then they hate us for being truthful, or they choose not to believe us and just assume we are lying about everything because we are women. We just can't win whether we are honest or not.


I don't think like that at all. I'd rather be with someone authentic over someone who is fake any day.

A lot of women in the Bible Belt want to be with only Christian men, even if they are open to pre-marital sex. I've actually been rejected by someone who said that it was bad I wasn't Christian but she was having pre-marital sex with guys who called themselves Christian. How screwed up is that? The Bible Belt tries to put on a moral and upright guise when it's extremely "sinful" in reality.
Some guys might tell me "Just call yourself a Christian, dude!" but if the girl found out I wasn't telling the truth, I would get kicked to the curb by her.


I didn't mean you, you don't strike me that way. I was referring to the guy who actually said in this thread that women are liars.


Do you have anything to say about my struggles?


If you want my honest opinion, I think you are unhealthily obsessed with acquiring a girlfriend when your life circumstances make that nearly impossible. I think all you can do is treat the obsession or change your circumstances. It seems like for now changing your circumstances (like moving to a new area) is not possible, so you should work on treating the obsession. I think you said you see a therapist, what has this therapist done to help shift your hyperfocus to something other than relationships? They should be helping you learn to think about other things and not focus on this one issue exclusively to the detriment of your mental health. Is it possible you have a comorbid condition like OCD that is contributing to this obsessive focus on getting a girlfriend?

Honestly, I don't think making all these threads on the same topic helps you, either. You're just stewing. You need to find a way to focus on something else. It's like you've made dating your special interest, except you can't go on dates so your interest is thwarted and has become this unhealthy obsession. You need to move on to something else that doesn't make you so unhappy to think about. Focus your interest on something that you can actually do and that makes you happy or stew in this obsessive unhappiness forever, it's up to you really.


I am short on time at the moment so I'll have to get back to you on the questions. I have a hard time changing my focus because I feel like if I don't stop thinking about the girlfriend issue, it means the people who bullied me will celebrate my loss and that the last ten years of my life were all in vain. I don't want the people who told me "You're never getting a girlfriend!" to say "See? Told you! You are a loser!" at all.

Don't give in Marknis! You can get a girlfriend and prove those people wrong! Your former bullies will be eating their words!


They were the worst. In Bible Belt culture, some idiots think bullies "toughen up" their victims but I can tell you that it did not do that for me.

By the way, I wish Alliekit was still posting. She was nice to me and didn't tell me I was unworthy of having a relationship. People like Chichikov and Angel Rho only tear me down.

karathraceandherspecialdestiny Is Katykay troll who hates aspie guys cause one hurt her in a relationship. This is her 40th account. Best just to avoid her. She use to attack me all the time.

I hope Alliekits ok she hasn’t replied to me in months, around the time the ukexit happen and she was worried about her career and college future. :s



sly279
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11 Nov 2017, 6:57 pm

Marknis wrote:
sly279 wrote:
Marknis wrote:
sly279 wrote:
Marknis wrote:
karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
fluffysaurus wrote:
I think a male Aspie's chances of meeting someone who appreciates them would increase with age because what women want changes as they mature.

I eat healthy and I'm not overweight and apparently it's that easy. No, what a woman really needs is the ability to say 'Oh, your so clever and wonderful.' 'Your always right' 'Ahhhh! it's a spider! save me, save me!' in a convincing manner. Thus, I am single, I'm a s**t liar.

A lot of women do deceive themselves and very annoying it is too but I hardly think it's typical of the women on this site who possibly like me have had a lifetime of being accused of not having any feelings because they've told people the truth when that person has begged them for it, not realising that 'tell me the truth' actually means 'please lie to me.'


Exactly--men say they want women who don't lie, but when they actually encounter women that don't lie they realize they don't actually want women to tell them the truth because they don't want to hear the truth from us and then they hate us for being truthful, or they choose not to believe us and just assume we are lying about everything because we are women. We just can't win whether we are honest or not.


I don't think like that at all. I'd rather be with someone authentic over someone who is fake any day.

A lot of women in the Bible Belt want to be with only Christian men, even if they are open to pre-marital sex. I've actually been rejected by someone who said that it was bad I wasn't Christian but she was having pre-marital sex with guys who called themselves Christian. How screwed up is that? The Bible Belt tries to put on a moral and upright guise when it's extremely "sinful" in reality.
Some guys might tell me "Just call yourself a Christian, dude!" but if the girl found out I wasn't telling the truth, I would get kicked to the curb by her.


They want someone who shares their religious beliefs. Who’ll go to church with them, who won’t judge them and insult them for their beleifs. It’s that simple.
Only the few super religious hold tru to the no sex before Marriage of the Old Testament.


They don't even go to church. They want the "reward" but none of the "work". Meaning? They think as long as they root for Jesus and God, they can be as "sinful" as they want and they'll still go to Heaven. Their religious front is a huge sham. It has nothing to do with wanting someone to share their beliefs with. It's just a damn football game to them. If they aren't going to follow the tenants of the religion they claim to follow, why even call themselves Christian? The Bible Belt is the most hypocritical place on the planet and I've lived here all my life so I know what I am talking about.


I’m a Christian I don’t go to church. Bible doesn’t say you have to go to church and Jesus died for our sins and thus our sins are forgiven. So tell me again how you know what my beliefs are ? Those women you judge for their beliefs are probably similarly. You dislike them cause your atheist is it any wonder they wouldn’t want to be with a man who has such horrible and low opinions of them?
Do you walk around with this attitude like some athiest here do where I live.
Either way given how much you despise Christianity any religious woman isn’t for you. You’re always look down on them and insult them for their beliefs. Find an atheist woman. For most even non religious people dating a religious but non acting religious person isn’t a problem but it seems it is for you. I’m non acting religious, I believe in god and I worship him my own way. We don’t have to go to church to worship god, most churches have become too superficial anyways. And they boring for adhd. Youth group was ok. Anyways I’d date a non religious lady as long as she’s not judgmental or looks down on me like you do, I’d date a non acting religious person too they’d be idea Match, I’ll also gladly date a acting one and attend boring church for them that’s a compromise I’m willing to make. But a acting athiest with a you’re an idio for believing in god no thanks.

FYI the only sinless person to live was Jesus. Humans are incapable of being sinless. Even the pope commits sins and ask for forgiveness. Humans are imperfect.
That pastor rejecting sinners is committed a sin. Likewise churches who throw homeless people out of services. I remember a story of a new pastor who dressed as homelsss his new congregation tried to throw him out of the church. He used it as a teaching lesson to them I think.

He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her
Meaning : Only those who are faultless have the right to pass judgment upon others (implying that no one is faultless and that, therefore, no one has such a right to pass judgmen

“You therefore have no excuse, you who pass judgment on another. For on whatever grounds you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.”

Only god can judge us.
Super Christians ignore this. They judge everyone and say they doomed to go to hell.


Sly, you really need to stop jumping to conclusions with my posts. I am not an atheist and I never made any claims about your beliefs so quit jamming words in my mouth. Those women already said outloud how much they only want to date Christian men and think men who aren't Christians are "scum" so I have no interest in dating them. They, and other Bible Belt citizens, are the ones who feel entitled to asking ME about what I believe in and tell me that I better go to church or else I am going straight to Hell. Stop claiming you know who I am.

Where did I ever claim I wouldn't date a non-religious woman? If she was open minded and didn't think I "lacked morals" just because I am an agnostic (Not the same as atheism), I wouldn't have a problem. The struggle I have here is that most of the women in my area are not open minded but think if you aren't a Christian, you are a bad person.

Right now you are judging me and I've seen you judge others. Practice what you preach.

I quote what you say then refute it. You think Christians who don’t go to church are hypocritical posers. Well I’m a Christian who doesn’t go to church. 2+2=4

I never said you wouldn’t date s non religious woman, I said yiu should date one since yiu clearly don’t like religious women. Heads up religious people want to save others from hell. It’s what they do. So yeah they ask you go to church so you be saved. Most religious people want to only date people from the same religious belief. Don’t see slot of Jews and Catholics pairing up or Muslims and Christians, or even different Christians sets or Christians or Catholics. Religious believes are a huge part of people and pairing up with someone who doesn’t share them will create friction.

You make countless posts Bible Belt this Bible Belt thst, Christians are horrible etc. you come off to me as someone who very much so doesn’t like Christians or Christianity and such I assumed your atheist as those are things athiest do check out politics section for tons of similar threads attacking Christians by atheists.

I get it you think you live in some Bible Belt hell and Christians are horrible people. I’d gladly date those women. My sister, mom, and grandma are those women. They go to church, they believe sex before marriage is a sin. My brother and his daughter had sex before marriage they don’t get told they horrible people or are going to hell though there’s people who think that. I can guarantee that not all those Bible Belt women are that way. So find one who isn’t but if you prejudge her as being thst way smimple cause she’s Christian then don’t expect her to date you. And if she has sex before Marriage don’t call her a hypocrite poser.

The only people who strive hard to follow the tenants of religion as you said are monks in monasteries. You need to drop your angry towards this Christian women you call posers. They aren’t monks, they are pastors, they aren’t the pope. They sin I sin, Jesus forgives our sins. We want to go to heaven we try hard but fail as imperfect humans do we ask forgive for our sins(failures) thst doesn’t make those women posers we see it as a football game.

As I’ve said in the past it’s not the Bible Belt. Same s**t happens here same exact s**t. I live in lefttopia. 75% of my county has no religion. So is it Christians and the Bible Belt or Western society that’s the problem? Cause certainly if it was the Bible Belt it wouldn’t be happening here where only 25% of people are religious.



sly279
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11 Nov 2017, 6:58 pm

Temeraire wrote:
Marknis wrote:
karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
Marknis wrote:
They aren't theoretical people. They are the high school bullies who terrorized me, ex-friends who couldn't exploit me anymore, and judgmental family members.


This is not the point of what I said. Whoever they are and whatever they've said or think about you, you are handing them all the power by still thinking and acting in reaction to them rather than acting in your own best interest. You are making them powerful, you are investing power in them by caring about their opinion of you and your life. You need to sort out your priorities so that the opinions of others about your life don't carry so much weight, more weight than your own mental health does.

If you didn't care so much what others think, it would be much easier to set aside this unhealthy obsession.


But do I have to give up on ever having a girlfriend completely? I don't want to because I really want to feel loved and to share my life with a special partner.


You have the same rights as everyone else and if this is to feel loved and share your life with a special partner then so be it.

People are shaped by their past experiences. When you say how some people have used their words as weapons against you, some even hoping to toughen you up, this can traumatise. Too many people can be careless with their words and actions without thinking about the consequences.

I say don't give up your dream.

Keep going and if others don't like it they don't have to read your threads.


Why are you nice to us?



Temeraire
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11 Nov 2017, 7:07 pm

sly279 wrote:
Temeraire wrote:
Marknis wrote:
karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
Marknis wrote:
They aren't theoretical people. They are the high school bullies who terrorized me, ex-friends who couldn't exploit me anymore, and judgmental family members.


This is not the point of what I said. Whoever they are and whatever they've said or think about you, you are handing them all the power by still thinking and acting in reaction to them rather than acting in your own best interest. You are making them powerful, you are investing power in them by caring about their opinion of you and your life. You need to sort out your priorities so that the opinions of others about your life don't carry so much weight, more weight than your own mental health does.

If you didn't care so much what others think, it would be much easier to set aside this unhealthy obsession.


But do I have to give up on ever having a girlfriend completely? I don't want to because I really want to feel loved and to share my life with a special partner.


You have the same rights as everyone else and if this is to feel loved and share your life with a special partner then so be it.

People are shaped by their past experiences. When you say how some people have used their words as weapons against you, some even hoping to toughen you up, this can traumatise. Too many people can be careless with their words and actions without thinking about the consequences.

I say don't give up your dream.

Keep going and if others don't like it they don't have to read your threads.


Why are you nice to us?


Why would I not be nice to you or anyone else?

I am wondering where this question came from?



kraftiekortie
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11 Nov 2017, 7:09 pm

Because she feels like being nice.

Sly: I don't think Marknis was deriding people who are religious. He was calling many people whom he encounters in his area area hypocritical---because they invoke the name of God while not living Godly lives.

He wasn't mocking Christians. He was mocking Christians who do not stand by their beliefs through their actions.



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11 Nov 2017, 7:10 pm

Friendly reminder that personal attacks are against forum rules.



sly279
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11 Nov 2017, 7:12 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Because she feels like being nice.

Sly: I don't think Marknis was deriding people who are religious. He was calling many people whom he encounters in his area area hypocritical---because they invoke the name of God while not living Godly lives.

He wasn't mocking Christians. He was mocking Christians who do not stand by their beliefs through their actions.

Well he described me basically then said such people are hypocritical posers. He seems to feel you’re not a Christian unless you follow the Bible right literally to a T.

I’m a Christian. I sin, I don’t go to church.



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11 Nov 2017, 7:14 pm

TornadoEvil wrote:
Friendly reminder that personal attacks are against forum rules.

How’d I make a personal attack?



kraftiekortie
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11 Nov 2017, 7:15 pm

He wasn't describing you. At all.

You are not the type he was describing.

I would testify to that in court.



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11 Nov 2017, 7:16 pm

Temeraire wrote:
sly279 wrote:
Temeraire wrote:
Marknis wrote:
karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
Marknis wrote:
They aren't theoretical people. They are the high school bullies who terrorized me, ex-friends who couldn't exploit me anymore, and judgmental family members.


This is not the point of what I said. Whoever they are and whatever they've said or think about you, you are handing them all the power by still thinking and acting in reaction to them rather than acting in your own best interest. You are making them powerful, you are investing power in them by caring about their opinion of you and your life. You need to sort out your priorities so that the opinions of others about your life don't carry so much weight, more weight than your own mental health does.

If you didn't care so much what others think, it would be much easier to set aside this unhealthy obsession.


But do I have to give up on ever having a girlfriend completely? I don't want to because I really want to feel loved and to share my life with a special partner.


You have the same rights as everyone else and if this is to feel loved and share your life with a special partner then so be it.

People are shaped by their past experiences. When you say how some people have used their words as weapons against you, some even hoping to toughen you up, this can traumatise. Too many people can be careless with their words and actions without thinking about the consequences.

I say don't give up your dream.

Keep going and if others don't like it they don't have to read your threads.


Why are you nice to us?


Why would I not be nice to you or anyone else?

I am wondering where this question came from?

My experience women are only nice to me when they want something or are trying to get something, ie have a use for me. Otherwise they are either mean to me or flat out ignore me. So when women are nice to me it super confuses. Well when anyone’s nice to me.

I paid for my sisters dog to get privately cremated and she thanked me a lot 0.o
Like wise at work when people thank me for helping them to tell me to have a good day. Makes me wanna go hide