Thinking in Circles

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Looking through the real estate listings, I see a nice city apartment for $400,000. I've got $10,000 saved, perhaps if I saved for another year or to I would have the deposit for a similar apartment.

Have to buy one before the prices get too high
Have to buy one before I spend more money on rent
Have to buy so Ting Li's dad will think I'm a responsible boyfriend for his daughter
Have to buy one before I turn 35 or people who already own one will think I'm immature

I was seriously considering canceling my ortho surgery so that I can buy apartment quicker. If I pay thousands for that surgery now, it's like paying for it twice because if it delays my purchase of an apartment by one year, in that year I'll also pay $16,000 in rent. So that surgery will cost me the cost of the procedure plus $16,000.

Maybe I shouldn't just get the surgery and then next year, after Ting Li graduates and starts working we can both start saving, both starting at the same time.

That’s not a bad plan if this turns into a long term relationship but if I end up single again than I've delayed my single purchase of a new bachelor pad.

I'm tempted to just buy back all the retro games the burglar stole. If I don't buy back every one, it feels like I'm left the burglar win, yet if I blow all my money to buy back the games I once owned, if this delays my purchase of an apartment then it feels like I'm letting my landlord win by paying off the mortgage on his investigation property for him. If I do one thing, I'm letting the burglar win, if I do the other thing, then I'm letting the landlord win.

I've gotten so paranoid about wasting money I've even stopped buying chewing gum. Why do I need to own those old games again when I don't have enough energy to play them? Why buy them again when I spend most of my free time watching Youtube videos in which sarcastic British guys just talk about games?

Yesterday the screen on my phone fell out. It's still under warranty so I won't have to pay for its repair but it reminded me that electronics are fragile. They don't last forever. If I rebuy all those SNES games my SNES might die from old age afterwards. Yet if I don't buy them now they'll cost twice as much in five years. They already cost more than I originally paid for them.

I read an article on how money doesn't buy happiness. Is it true? Probably. Some of my happiest memories don't involve money. The article said the best cause of happiness was in the company you keep. The company I want to keep? Her father wants me to own property.

I understand just a few generations ago they were living in the most abject poverty. It's admirable how they pulled themselves up yet I feel this has made them unnecessarily materialistic.

Ultimately wealth buys security. A safety net against backsliding into poverty. Anything else is besides the point.

When I was 20 I thought "Money doesn't buy happiness so I won't have a career"
When I was 25 I thought "I must have a career"

Was I wiser at 25 than I was at 20?

Now at 30 I think "Money doesn't buy happiness but am I betraying my 25 year old self and backsliding into the stagnation relished by my 20 year old self?"

At a birthday party today with my wealthy overachieving family. One of my perfect cousins brought his perfect ten out of ten girlfriend. I didn't want to talk to any of these overachievers I felt a mix of shame for my comparative under-achievement and disgust at their materialism Some of the time I felt unworthy to talk to them. I mostly just talked to my aunt, who is not an overachiever. She said she was involved with some mental health group called Grow Group and said that participants were encouraged not to be perfectionist. I said that if I stop thinking in terms of perfectionism it could make me complacent.

If I start thinking I'm good enough now, than perhaps I'll stop trying to improve myself. So I never think that I'm good enough. Sometimes I think I should be working and studying all the time like my cousins to prove that I'm worthy. Except that if I did that I'd get major burnout. So instead of doing that I just spend most of my time feeling guilty that I don't spend all of my time working and studying. Asians can do it so why can't I?

My aunt says at Grow Group participants are told that they can't have everything in life. They have to choose. At first I thought the reason I can't have it all is because I'm not trying hard enough and that if I worked harder I could earn more money and thus buy more stuff. But then I thought of it in terms of specialisation Someone who wants to be an engineer might devote some of their time to study but someone who wants to be a doctor would devote all of their time to study. The engineering student likes playing video games during his off time but the med student never has any off time. That's specialisation. It's not just about time utilisation Someone who wants to buy a particular type of thing might devote all their money to that thing. Someone who likes traveling will devote all their disposable income to travel. Someone who likes collecting old vinyl records would devote all of their disposable income to that.

What do I want? A cool apartment maybe? So I should specialise my income and devote it to that cause. But if I get the ortho surgery that's not specialising If I try to buy the surgery and the apartment that's the opposite of specialising. That's more like trying to chase after two rabbits and catching neither. I think some of the best achievers are people who devoted their time and/or money to one narrow field. People who try to do a little bit of everything don't end up being great in any field. So why am I trying to do a bit of everything? Is this bad?

So if I save to buy an apartment, that's being responsible with money, right? If I spend money on a video game, that's being irresponsible with money, right? Maybe. But maybe not. If buying a $10 video game is a waste of money than maybe buying an overpriced apartment in the city is a bigger waste of money. Do I need to live in the city? Or do I just want it? Maybe living in the city is financially irresponsible when the suburbs are cheaper.

But the suburbs are so boring! and I love being in the city! Sometimes after work I walk around because I just don't want to leave. It seems so much more exciting and there's so much more to do and all the exciting stuff is within walking distance of each other, unlike the suburbs where your favourite things might be in different suburbs, tens of kilometers apart.

Is it worth it? Maybe but maybe the novelty would where off after a few weeks and then I'd still be left with an irresponsibly large mortgage for decades. It would be like when I buy some electronic doohickey and I'm really excited for the first few days and 90% of the time I'm bored after a week. Is buying a more expensive residence than I need to a sign of massive monetary irresponsibility? Or is it a sign of success?

Maybe it's a sign of being irresponsible but according to our culture it's a sign of success. We celebrate executives who work 18 hours per day. We also celebrate it when people buy an $800,000 home. Is buying an $800,000 home a sign of success or it a sign that they spent too much money on their house and now they have a crippling mortgage?

I said if someone spends their money on lots of holidays or a sports car or lots and lots of video games, that's taking away money they could be using to buy a bigger house. But on the other hand if they don't go on lots of holidays or buy a sports car or lots and lots of video games and they do buy a big house, maybe that's just as much a waste of money as holidays or sports cars or video games would be.

I keep thinking I should spend less money so I should buy other things. Don't buy video games so you can buy a car. Don't buy a car so you can buy a house. Don't buy a house so you can buy some other thing. You don't need video games. You don't need a car. You don't need to own a house. Well if I don't need anything than what am I supposed to be saving for. Sacrifice is supposed to be when you give up something good so you can get something better. But if I give up everything than there's nothing better left to have as my goal.

And why buy a bigger house when in just about every house I've ever lived in, I spend nearly all my time in two small spaces.

1. My bed
2. My computer chair.

So what does it matter if I have two rooms or twenty rooms? Either way I'm going to spend most of my time in two rooms. My habit is using the other rooms as storage space for all the electronic junk I buy. 90% of it gets used less than once per week. A few devices get used frequently - those devices were not a waste of money but the rest were a waste of money. I could have used that money to buy an unnecessary large house - oh wait I don't need that either. So what the hell should I spend it on?

Or sure, I could just say money and material possessions are unimportant and that I should value less tangible things. But that would be in direct opposition to my revelation a few years ago when I decided to stop being poor and lazy and worthless and get a full time job with a full salary. Why would I do that if I'm just going to say I don't value money? It would invalidate all my previous efforts.

Sure, I've got the job. But is it good enough? Should I be studying day and night so I can get a better job? That's what my cousins and uncles and aunts would do. Or should I just say that my current job is good enough?

I could get more money with a better job or a promotion. I think in a way, I'd be more exciting at the prospect of achieving something than the money. It's the same with buying my own home. Should I do it because it's a good idea financially or so people will think I'm more mature? Maybe a bit of both.

I keep thinking in circles that our society overvalues this idea that people should work and/or study every waking moment until they become self-made millionaires or "successful" but then I think that's just lazy talk and I should get back to work. Then the circle repeats itself. This weekend, like every weekend, I had a to do list and then I felt guilty when I spent some of my time watching Youtube and a movie because - Successful people don't waste their time watching Youtube or movies, they devote all their spare time to learning new skills so they can do even better in their careers!

This is especially encouraged in IT because IT changes so fast that people are expected to up-skill and re-skill long after they've graduated. Then again I never graduated because I didn't start university

That's something I chastise myself for every day. I can't even feel happy. I say "you don't deserve to feel happy because you didn't go to university" "stop enjoying that music, you don't deserve to enjoy anything because you didn't go to university" "You're not even a real person because real people went to university".

So why don't I just go? If I want to go so bad why don't I just go? Because I'm really worried that combining full time work with university would lead to major burnout. Or is this "burnout" stuff just more lazy talk? Maybe if I didn't waste so much time on the internet watching Youtube videos about nothing or getting into arguments with flatearthers or stuff like that, maybe then I would have more time to study without getting burnout. Or maybe I should just read a novel. It wouldn't be study but it would be less sensory overload than university.

I feel like I'm struggling to decide what my identity should be. Should I be a cool guy or a serious guy? Should I be fun guy with a regular job who works to live and lives for fun? Or should I be an upper-middle class overachiever like my aunts and uncles and cousins, who live to work and work to achieve?

Should I be a lower-middle fun guy or should I be an upper-middle class serious guy?

Maybe it's impossible for me to be upper middle class so I should just stop trying. Maybe obsessing over trying to do something I can't do is just making me miserable. But they did it! So it must be possible!!


My obsessions rotate every few weeks - that means I can't specialise. When I was young this cycle of obsession was easy to deal with. I'd be into action games for a few weeks then I'd be into strategy games for a few weeks. Then back to action.

Nowadays my cycle of obsession is to be obsessed with getting a degree for a few weeks, then I lose interest in that and obsess over buying a home for a few weeks, then I lose interest in that and obsess over getting a girlfriend for a few weeks (if I'm single at the time). Then I return to the beginning of the cycle.

All of these things would benefit me but I mostly don't focus on the personal benefits, instead I focus on how other people have these things and how cousin Simon has all three of these things at the same time even though he's younger than me and he must think I'm a total loser and how I should be ashamed of myself for not having achieved these things.

Maybe I should value friendship over wealth and achievements but that's difficult because like most people here I'm bad at socialising. I really enjoy socialising some of the time and other times I really hate it. Either way I have no initiative.

Maybe instead of saying I don't deserve to be happy I should just be happy for no reason. Sometimes it happens. When I stop worrying about how much I've achieved sometimes I can just be happy for no reason. Maybe I should do that. Maybe I should just say I'm good enough and it doesn't matter if I buy an apartment next year or in ten years!

This is proof that money complicates things. Yes if you come from a wealthy family you are going to feel pressure to succeed like them. Consider this though, there are some wealthy people who wake up to be 50 and realize they arent happy. That theyve spent all their time on work and realise all those years were wasted. They could have been doing something they enjoyed but living more poor. I think you should choose the happy route. Expect criticism if you choose this path though.

True. I've been thinking that I should be saving every penny but maybe I should still spend some money on my immediate enjoyment.

Yet in a way, I'll pay for it twice because if I delay buying an apartment that's another year's rent down the drain.

Yet I don't want to save and save and live in self-imposed poverty just so I can be rich for the last 5 years of my life.

Oops, I'm thinking in circles again. Maybe I can think of a balanced plan.