Getting yelled at for things you didn't know you had to do

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I don't know if it is me or the people I'm currently living with, but I'm getting yelled at for things I'm "supposed" to know to do but I didn't because no one specifically told me to... Like I'm supposed to know to make dinner if the person that normally makes dinner is not home after a specific amount of time if I've never been given this instruction specifically? Or that I should have checked the mail when that is not normally my job when I was not pre-instructed beforehand when it is my job??? Or if I'm instructed to add 4 potatoes to the soup at 2pm and I do exactly that and later I'm told 4 was not enough and I should of known that so I messed up the soup... It sounds funny but I can't stand this anymore!

I don't think it sounds funny at all.

I think you have the right to be frustrated. In my opinion, the people you currently live with may be upset because they feel as though you deliberately aren't contributing to the household or that you're being willfully obtuse. That still doesn't mean that it was right for them to yell at you, even more so if it was the first time they've corrected you.

A good method to show that you're trying to cooperate is by making a list of household chores that need to be done and how urgent they are. That way, if the person who's usually in charge of them is absent or unable to complete them, you can do them yourself to show the people you live with that you're making an effort. Don't take on too much responsibility, and don't try to account for what they have or haven't done - do what you can, recognize what you can't, and ask for extra clarification if you need it.

If they still keep yelling at you and/or upsetting you and you struggle to understand why, it may be helpful to speak about this problem with a mental health professional or counselor who is better equipped to help you understand, cope with, and change the current situation.

Hi Angnix,

It sounds like you're in a difficult situation. I know you've been trying your best.

Hang in there. I hope you will be able to move to a better living situation soon.

You are in my prayers.

My dad used to yell at me for such reasons a lot. Eventually I got sick of it (literally - I developed depression and some other mental issues) and decided I will either move out or die. So I moved out.
Now I am living on my own and noone is telling me what to do. Except for a flatmate but fortunately our schedules don't overlap so we rarely see each other and we are basically strangers so issues are solved with a talk - we are not allowed to yell each other or expect each other to do stuff other than common responsibilities (I clean common areas one week, she cleans them the other - that's basically it).

Although she did "yell" at me a little bit recently because I was letting her cat drink water from the tap. "Don't let her do it! I will never unteach her the habit!". But situation was solved with an "OK" and to be honest I am not sure if she was actually angry or just emotional. I felt hurt because I didn't know she was planning to unteach the cat - she never told me she does - and it reminded me of what my dad used to tell me (it is possible I gave her the tone of voice of my dad in my imagination and she wasn't even using an angry voice) but it wasn't a big deal. Now we are both trying to unteach the cat and this morning she complimented me when I was talking to the cat "No. You water is there, not here. I said 'no'. Go away".
Poor cat, BTW.

This is one of many reasons I choose to live alone -- have never developed the ability to read minds.

I have had similar experiences.

.. Kinda explains why I have my own cleaning and hygiene supplies...
I clean my own plate, laundry my own clothes (if I'm the only one who ever wears it), lock my cabinets as firmly as I could afford -- and I DO NOT touch anything else's mess simply because I didn't...


And a really strong urge to live in my own space.

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Hello
This happens to me a lot particularly with people who don't know me well. Often people think I can't have been listening properly or paying attention to the things they say or I'm selfish because I don't realise there is a sub-text to what they're saying like 'I've got a lot to do today' often means 'can you do some things for me?'

I live alone, thank God, but I had a lot of complaints from landlord about garden because the told me to keep the grass within reason. My reason was about a foot high, my neighbor's cats would come in and behave like tigers in it, it was a lot of fun watching them. It turned out they meant within their reason which is very short, so they kept complaining. It wasn't until my Mum held up her hands one slightly above the other that I got what they wanted. They complained about the budlias too, it has took nine years for them to actually say what the wanted which was them cut to ground level.

It gets worse, I think, as you age and being female because women don't like to say things that might sound like a criticism or an instruction so they hint and they asume you know the same things they know.

I much prefer to be around confident people because they say what's wrong before it becomes a problem and they are much clearer about what they want.

Are you living with other women around your age? I ask because that for me would have the most communication problems.

That was my issue with my mother. I did literally what she asked me for and then she was furious that I didn't do what she meant. Sometimes I memorised things like "clean the table" told by my mother means "clean the table, put the dishes and silverware on it and call everybody for dinner". Other times it was less predictable.
The problem is, I was always considered intelligent so nobody believed me when I was trying to explain that I don't get such things. They seemed to be sure that was all my ill will

This is a difference between NT and Aspie thinking.

NTs actually consider it insulting when you provide step by step instructions, unless they specifically ask for them.

I try to be very clear up-front with people these days about the need to be incredibly specific when asking me to do something. It's not always effective, because it is so instinctive for NTs to use hinting and implications, but at least I have the peace of mind of knowing that they were forewarned. The hardest is when it's something like personal hygiene or grooming. It's a totally practical subject to me; if I'm neglecting myself and getting a bit BO/dog-breath, please say so, and I'll thank you for the heads-up. But, of course, to most NT's it's "embarrassing" to do that, so they keep quiet to spare their own blushes, but they might still get resentful because, to them, you're still "offending" them.

It's been a real problem whenever I've had a job. The boss at the last place I worked, was a really nice, polite, considerate guy. Too polite and considerate! Instead of giving a direct instruction, he would use phrases like "Do you think you could ... ?", or "Would it be possible to ... ?". Quite often I would find that he remembered me agreeing to take on a job, when in my own mind I thought he was just asking about my availability or abilities so that he could plan the work schedule. I tried really hard to remember to double check whenever the question was ambiguous, but if he asked me when I was in the middle of a job, I wouldn't be able to multi-task enough to really analyse what he was trying to get at (I'd sometimes find myself finishing a job then realising that I wasn't quite sure whether I'd even spoken to him at all.)

I think when someone is very experienced at a particular thing they expect you to have the same ingrained know how. It's like next time you'll know better. But they are expecting you to know ahead of time since they already know it.

Or maybe they know it's their fault they didn't instruct you properly but don't want to admit it and are shifting the blame onto you.

So in my opinion it's them, not you.