Hid this for 31 years. Want to heal/move fwd but How?

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needtotellsomeone
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12 Nov 2017, 9:56 pm

Hello everyone,

Wanted to introduce myself and get some things off my chest. Hoping it resonates with someone. Not sure exactly what I'm looking for here but have a feeling I share a lot in common with many of you. Sorry in advance if this turns out to be extremely long/rambling.

I am a 31 year old male. I had a very difficult time making friends as long as I can remember. I had a couple close friends from age 8-18. Until the age of 18, I don't recall at all being depressed or having too much to complain about. I didn't socialize too much outside of school, but hung out enough with these 2-3 friends that I felt pretty content.

When I arrived in college, I immediately realized I felt like I had no idea how to meet people or make friends. I became very anxious about this very quickly. By my sophomore year, the anxiety/shame I felt about this was so intense. I was so very lonely. I was very self conscious about the fact that it seemed everyone else had lots of friends/social life, and I hadn't as much as shared a meal with anyone, talked to anyone outside of class, or even knew anyone in my residence hall.

I felt extremely anxious even walking outside on my way to class. Other people were walking in groups, chatting with their friends, talking about their weekend plans, and I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb due to the fact that I would be walking by myself, sitting in lecture hall by myself, never had any social plans, etc. By the end of my sophomore year, I was skipping almost 90% of my classes because I couldn't handle the internal embarrassment of even going to class and being around others.

My grades suffered of course. I didn't bother showing up for some exams. I was put on academic probation. My parents found out and found me a psychologist. In therapy, my psychologist told me that he had spoken with my parents, and they informed him that they had discovered a babysitter of mine physically abusing me when I was very little. I don't want to get into details (this post is going to be long enough without it) but suffice to say it was not sexual, and I had no idea this had ever happened. I will say that the overwhelming extent of my therapy was focused on that, the shame that resulted, etc. I figured that my entire collection of my Social Anxiety / inability to make friends, etc was a result of that entirely. Aspergers/ASD never came up.

I wasted a LOT of time (many many months) locked away in my room playing video games, surfing the internet, basically trying to pass the time other than going to eat / going to therapy, etc. I ended up taking a "leave of absence" from school after my junior year because I couldn't handle it. I ended up moving home back in with my parents and trying to find a job. During this time I ended up starting an internet business on my own. I don't want to get into details because I'm paranoid about revealing my identity. I put 100% of my time and effort into this business over the course of about a year and managed to make it fairly successful. Successful enough that I decided to move out and get my own place, etc.

A few years later, I hadn't really made any new friends. However I am very high functioning. I dress well. I can go shopping, to restaurants, to hotels, I've travelled abroad by myself a few times, I can interact with people and be 100% confident they don't think I'm weird (at least for the first couple meetings). I can talk to clients on the phone. I did some online dating, and went on dates with some girls. I dated a little off and on for a few weeks at a time, etc.

About four years ago I met someone on a dating site. We fell in love. We got married. We are truly best friends and our relationship has been genuinely amazing.

Things were really great until they weren't. I have realized I'm poor at communicating my feelings to her. Too often I find she is upset with something I said or something I did. I don't realize what happened. She will explain to me as best she can and I will get defensive and confused. Sometimes I even wondered if she is gaslighting me -- Making up things I did or said, or intentionally misconstrued it just to find a reason to be upset with me? She has her own friends who I enjoy hanging out with. I'm pretty sure they like me. I still haven't made any of my own friends. We moved away. We haven't made any new friends. She is lonely and I have been getting depressed / isolating myself again for the first time in several years

I found a new therapist who pretty quickly clued me into the fact that I might have Aspergers. I googled it. I took the quiz. It fits like a glove in so many ways (except I have never felt any sensory/noise issues)

On the one hand this explains SO MUCH. So much pain, so much confusion. I have met people in social situations and I feel like I could be friends with this person. I might get their contact information. I might see them again, but almost never for a third time, and NEVER for a fourth time. Am I too weird? Did I make them uncomfortable? Did they decide at first I was interesting and cool but then without fail they subsequently determine I'm too much of a weirdo? I ask myself this constantly and it's exhausting.

Speaking of exhausting, when I am talking with someone I often feel EXHAUSTED because during the entire conversation I can barely hear the other person because my internal monologue is so loud (Am i responding appropriately? Am I looking in the right place? Was that joke appropriate? Am I asking enough questions? Why did he just look at me like that? Am I swallowing too much? Am I breathing too fast? Why did she just laugh, was she laughing at me or with me? Did he just say "Cool!" because he's actually interested in what I said or is he just pretending to be polite? ETC ETC ETC ETC ETC)

Now I am feeling very torn because I feel like am I a burden on my wife? She is pretty introverted but she has no problem meeting people, having them like her, wanting to be friends with them. I have had a few times where I've embarrassed myself by saying the wrong thing, or maybe making someone uncomfortable. I feel like we don't have friends because I am scaring them away. I feel like it's all my fault.

Is it possible after living together for 4+ years that my wife might have no idea about my condition? Should I tell her about it? I feel afraid that she will decide this is too much / not what she signed up for, and leave me. All of my social interaction revolves around my relationship with her and her friends. Often times I feel totally normal (except for my social issues) but sometimes I feel like a total loser and am so embarrassed. If our relationship ends I am really worried about how I would move forward.

However it's possible that she would embrace it. She might say "of course you are, this explains so much" and laugh it off, and maybe we could work on my communication with her. She might say that she doesn't mind and loves me for who I am, etc. Who knows what her reaction would be.

Truth is I have no idea and it is giving me an entirely NEW level of anxiety which is really eating away at me since I've received this diagnosis.

Anyway I realize this got very rambling and disjointed but these days this sort of explains my state of mind given recent developments. I feel like I've been doing a fairly good job of trying to be normal but it's starting to fail more and more.



kraftiekortie
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12 Nov 2017, 10:18 pm

Has she ever mentioned Aspergers or autism to you?

What I'm thinking: reading Tony Attwood's "Guide to Aspergers Syndrome," and discussing it with your wife without mentioning that YOU might have Aspergers. See if she has an "Eureka Moment."

Let HER surmise that you could have it, rather than you telling her directly. If you tell her directly, she might think you're "copping out" from the relationship, making excuses.



Dear_one
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12 Nov 2017, 10:29 pm

Marriage is a voyage of mutual discovery. There is no point in pretending you have learned nothing, except as a kindness to the elderly and confused. Relationships get over even major betrayals, and sometimes are the better for it. The glue of friendship is a mysterious substance, but one can sort of sense the bonds from experience without contriving deliberate tests.



needtotellsomeone
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12 Nov 2017, 10:52 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Has she ever mentioned Aspergers or autism to you?

What I'm thinking: reading Tony Attwood's "Guide to Aspergers Syndrome," and discussing it with your wife without mentioning that YOU might have Aspergers. See if she has an "Eureka Moment."

Let HER surmise that you could have it, rather than you telling her directly. If you tell her directly, she might think you're "copping out" from the relationship, making excuses.



She's never mentioned to me, the topic has never come up. One of the anxieties I've been feeling since my diagnosis has been "How many people who know me already know this?" Kind of like how sometimes you hear about someone coming out as gay, and all of their friends/family already knew, and they were the last to find out...



kraftiekortie
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12 Nov 2017, 11:06 pm

There's no shame to having Aspergers--except for people who are highly "socially conscious."

It's not like you have leprosy.......

If she leaves you solely for having Aspergers, I would find that she wasn't worth all the fuss, anyway.



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13 Nov 2017, 2:15 am

You should mention that your therapist thought you might have Aspergers and you read up on it and it describes you well. And if you have not already also tell her in detail about the abuse

Marriage has to be based on trust and withholding important information is a way to cause mistrust. I do not know her so I have no idea how she will react but if this stuff about you is a deal breaker better to find out now rather than later when there is more to lose such as kids. Partners are at times a burden to each other. That is the reason why the words "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health" are uttered during marriage ceremonies.

Anxiety and what is described as "paralysis by analysis" is common in Aspergers.


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Mr SmokeTooMuch
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13 Nov 2017, 11:00 am

Your story is very similar to what I experienced in my life, except the abuse I suffered , was mostly from my peers , I dropped out of university for a different set of reasons and never was too much into computer games.
I think you should tell her directly . What's the point of a relationship where you have to conceal who you really are.
I wish I had a chance to tell that to my partner sooner than I did, but it was too late for me. Actually , problems in our relationship started the process of self discovery for me, and she wouldn't listen to me by that time. So I wouldn't waste any time, if I were you.


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LostGirI
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13 Nov 2017, 11:32 am

needtotellsomeone wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
Has she ever mentioned Aspergers or autism to you?

What I'm thinking: reading Tony Attwood's "Guide to Aspergers Syndrome," and discussing it with your wife without mentioning that YOU might have Aspergers. See if she has an "Eureka Moment."

Let HER surmise that you could have it, rather than you telling her directly. If you tell her directly, she might think you're "copping out" from the relationship, making excuses.



She's never mentioned to me, the topic has never come up. One of the anxieties I've been feeling since my diagnosis has been "How many people who know me already know this?" Kind of like how sometimes you hear about someone coming out as gay, and all of their friends/family already knew, and they were the last to find out...


I had that feeling when I first got diagnosed a few months ago. I felt embarrassed and kept thinking that it must be obvious and probably everybody knew or could tell but me. I realise it is paranoia though. Most people I have told have been quite shocked and surprised. Although tbh, I'm not sure a lot of them even know what it is.


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Biscuitman
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13 Nov 2017, 4:24 pm

Your story has a lot of shared elements with my life. High functioning enough to be independent, work, marry, travel but have limited if any contact with others and react badly to situations.

I was diagnosed last year at 37 years old.

I was also slightly nervous about approaching my wife around the idea I may have aspergers. In the end I just e-mailed her from my work with a list of typical traits and said 'don't ask why, just please put Y or N next to which apply to me'. She put a Y next to loads. I then opened up that evening and explained what the list was related to. She was very supportive and after 3 years I went for an assessment.



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13 Nov 2017, 11:05 pm

Yeah, you might as well tell her.


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14 Nov 2017, 7:09 pm

Tell your wife about your ASD in a manner that she will understand.


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14 Nov 2017, 10:09 pm

Well welcome to wrong planet my friend.

My life appears to have much in common with yours except I was never able to achieve the marriage milestone nor travel abroad for anxiety reasons. My therapist currently classifies my anxiety status as "inconceivable". I was also diagnosed recently and always felt I was hiding something as well. I'm 42 now and was only diagnosed 4 months ago.

If you read these forums the really positive posts about honest experiences will lighten your heart and make you feel a lot less alone as I have, so stay tuned!


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arielhawksquill
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15 Nov 2017, 10:21 am

Did she know you were going to a therapist? She didn't ask what the diagnosis was, and you didn't tell her? I would be extremely disturbed if my husband got diagnosed with anything and didn't tell me about it. That is the kind of information you are expected to share with your wife.