I know that there are ups and downs in life, but my family and I seem to have been getting the "down" parts a lot lately.
My cousin killed herself last month. Everyone is still dealing with the aftermath of that. What's even harder is that there was a big crowd that showed up to her memorial last Monday (over 125, maybe more). We just can't believe that she couldn't see how many people cared about her and would've done just about anything to help her out.
I can't help worrying about my mother. She and my stepdad sold their house and bought an RV to travel around the country- except they haven't been able to do that yet. My stepfather's having his 3rd surgery in 3 weeks. Considering his failing health and numerous other problems, I am so worried about my mom being left all alone. Even though she says she has a plan if the worst happens, she's the kind of person who can't handle being on her own.
My grandmother is dying of pancreatic cancer. She is physically unable to have any kind of treatment because years of chainsmoking destroyed her health. We're basically all sitting and waiting for her to pass away, which is just so difficult. She should be in a nursing home since she can barely even feed herself, but she's so stubborn. So it's up to family and hospice care to be her nurses.
Then, I've got my dad and my stepmother. They're wealthy and they're taking care of all of my finances and paying for my apartment until a deadline, but they are so emotionally toxic towards me.
Both of them mock my PTSD (and anxiety and depression), say my therapy isn't doing anything to help me, and make fun of my Asperger's quirks. They call me ugly because I don't wear makeup or do anything with my hair, tell me the things that I'm interested in are "stupid", and so on.
Also, nothing I ever do is enough for them: I've always thanked them profusely for helping me, but I'm not groveling enough. When I reluctantly turned down a job because of a conflicting bus schedule, I was yelled at for not being able to drive (even though they know perfectly well that I didn't have the chance to learn when I was in high school).
Even though I got a job last week, I was criticized for "not doing it earlier" or told it's "not good enough" because I may have periods of time where I don't work.
My therapist is starting to think that once I am financially independent, it may be a really good to stay far away from my father and stepmother. The idea of that sucks because I hate to just walk away from people, but I am also under the impression that being around them is not healthy for me.
The death of my cousin convinced one of my older brothers to just up and quit his job, saying that "life was too short", but he did it before finding a new place of employment. He's been homeless before (for an entire year) because of this attitude, and it makes me so upset that he's caught up in that cycle again of "I don't want to put any effort into anything anymore".
I consider this brother to be a "third parent" to me because of how close we are and because of the 11-year age difference between us, so it's just rough to watch him destroy his own life again.
I need, like, a million hugs. I am just so emotionally drained from all of this.
13 Nov 2017, 11:31 am
