Preventing social defeat

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Hi,

Approaching someone you like can already be difficult for an autistic person who might already be paralysed with fear of rejection, but when other people are trying to make it even more difficult (butting in the conversation or humiliating the two people who are trying to form a connection), then this can lead to social defeat.

I've been reading on the forum about how dating is a social game. And I read some great tips on how to master this social game by learning how to flirt (The Secrets to Successful Flirting by Alex Plank). But what can you do when someone else puts up resistance by interfering in your conversation with your crush? It comes across as these people don't want us to be together and they're doing everything they can to stop it. When this happens a lot, it not only destroys the mood, but even someone's self-esteem.

Probably the only good thing coming out of this is that people can bond in the face of adversity...

Has anyone ever experienced any of this?

Lana

**EDIT:
To make it a bit more clear: A has a crush on B. A has autism so that makes flirting and communication difficult. C/D/E watch the interaction and decide to make it even more difficult. By social defeat I don't mean that A is rejected by B or that B chose C/D/E over A. What I mean by social defeat is that A can't cope with C/D/E interfering.

I think I've been through something like this. Here's a lesbian triangle drama for you:
I was in love with a girl in school(Let's call her A). We had a really good connection and spent a lot of time together. I never dared telling her how I felt, but it was obvious that we had something going on. The problem was this other girl (who's referred to as B), who was also into A. A wasn't too into her, but she was very persistent, and since they both came from the same place - very far away from where we were - and spoke the same language, they had a comfort in each other, which naturally led to them hanging out a lot.
When B noticed that I was into A, she became very manipulative, towards both A and me. I can't really give any examples there, as I just don't get what's what in that area. But it was just a lot of small things, that signaled that B had bigger "ownership" over A than I did.
Whenever she saw us together, she would interfere, either by almost physically dragging A away, or join the conversation and fire off subtle comments that made me look inferior to the two of them..
Again, I can't really detect that kind of stuff, but have heard from other classmates and A herself that B is crazy manipulative. And I think it was easy because she could use the fact that we had that connection to make us both feel shameful.
This went on for a long while. They became girlfriends eventually, but broke up a few times. Whenever that happened A came to me, seemingly looking for a relationship, but soon got back together with B again. I never knew if she was just looking for a rebound, or actually liked me more but got reeled back in by B.
The whole drama seemed to be controlled by B, and her unstable mood. The only reason I told A that I loved her was because B made me confess it in front of her. There was a point where she decided that she was into me too, and that almost ended in a threesome, which only B wanted. Loads of weird stuff like this went on.

This really broke me. Unrequited love is one thing, but it felt even worse when I knew that it wasn't unrequited(which was confirmed later), I was just inferior to B. And she was really smug about it for a long time, as if she had won a game.
Self esteem was completely down, and I didn't get near another relationship for five years after.

This happened six-eight years ago, and it stings a bit now and then. But I'm good friends with the both of them, and can see them without hurting. I have accepted that those two were probably meant to be all along. I know I could've gotten A if only I had been more forward from the start, but now they've been together for eight years and I can only be happy that things are working out well for them. (and secretly a little happy that A and I still have that connection, we've just decided it's best to leave it be. I have a relationship of my own now anyway)


So, I don't know what you can do in a situation like that. My example played out over the course of two years, and what I should've done was either being more straightforward with my crush about how much I liked her, right from the start. Or just let it go once I realized the race was run for me towards the end.
I want to say that I should've confronted B about it, but I really have no idea how that would even be possible.

I think I can relate to this a bit. I have troubles approaching someone I like, but even more troubles being observed when people know I like them. Even if the other people mean no harm, they will be interested if they think other people are into each other and trying to connect. Some people like to make comments because they think it's cute or just because they are a**holes. It's interesting and they are nosy. Even when I have had SOs in the past I didn't always feel comfortable interacting with them with other people around because I feel like they (the other people) are judging how I move or speak. Even if I am somewhat comfortable with these people in a normal situation I get thrown off if I am with a sexual partner or possible one. I feel like I am not comfortable with my skills at being "sexy" and that they will be noticing that. If people are not watching me I am much more likely to be able to talk to the person like an actual person if they are one of the rare people I can talk to like that.
This may not be anything like what you are going through but it is a big problem of mine. I would suggest trying to approach this person without other people around. It would probably make them more comfortable with the situation as well. If they are also socially challenged they probably don't like the comments either.

I've been through this. It was awful. His friends thought it was hilarious that either he liked me or I liked him, not sure which. But They did not help at all.

We got stressed. We got no support. It was just a big stupid game of joke to everyone else.

I get what you mean. People are special individuals. When you lose one you don't ever find that same one again with that same personality that you like.

It is a loss.

I got so stressed I moved to a different town so I can't help.

Gonna try a name pun on a girl when I see her in a couple days. I can't say what it is since it uses her full name, but it's a good one.

Not to be obvious, but is there some reason you can't just talk to this person alone, just the two of you, without the others there to interfere? Then you could get to know each other a bit more without interruptions, games, or even as much social pressure. It'd just be you and them and if it works great, if not, you know it wasn't because of others trying to thwart your efforts.

Update. I've got back in touch with the guy in this situation after a period of several months of no contact and we are at least on friendly terms again. Just texting at the moment. But I wanted to smooth things over and show that I don't hate him. I don't hold out any hope for a romantic relationship after all we went through. But at least we don't hate each other now and we can be friendly.

Good! That must have been a relief.

Why did you need to clarify you didn't hate him? And what was his take on the whole story?

So much drama.

There are countless reasons why someone leaves without saying goodbye, but it's very thoughtful of you to clarify. He must have been surprised and flattered to hear from you about this after such a long time Good luck getting the closure you seem to need!

Still no ideas on how to deal with someone who butts in the flirting process between two other people... There's even a word for it: buttinsky ! ! It actually exists in the dictionary. How cool is that?