Does someone with ASD know they have it/are different?

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Hi everyone,

some time ago I made soms posts about my boyfriend who I suspect has ASD. We're still together at the moment and I feel like the more time we spend together, talk online, do things,.. the more obvious it gets to me that he has some form of ASD. Some of his traits are:

-not understanding my sarcasm, humor, expressions,.. which cause him to feel bad sometimes
-being obsessive about a video game; it's all he talks about all day every day, making lists about the characters, watching youtube vids, playing the game,..
- he speaks super fast, almost like a robot sometimes
- has weird mannerisms, moves his hands a lot trough his hair, makes weird facial expressions,..
-he is always alone, doesnt talk to much people except me
-super sensitive, cries easily
-doesnt show much affection, doesnt want to tell me he loves me cause he finds it enough he told me once, and I should know now that he does,stuff like that
-childlike in some areas but very mature in others


All these things came out after some weeks into us being together, and keep getting 'worse' as if he is not trying to be 'normal' anymore. I don't know if he is diagnosed or not, but he never spoke to me about it anyway.

So my question is, does someone with ASD know they have it or know they are different than NT's? And if so, should I bring this up? Tell him I know/suspect too? Or should I not mention it until he maybe some day mentions it himself (if he even knows)?

Thanks for any advice!

There is no way to know what he might know or suspect in relation to himself unless he mentions it, and whether or not you mention your own suspicion is something for you to decide. But overall, I would guess your saying anything would not be helpful to either of you.

Sounds like he is ASD.

Do ASD folks know that they are different?

Well...if you really are ASD then the world pretty much let's you know that you are different in no unsubtle terms, by rubbing your face in dogshit from day one.

So I would say that most of us know that we are different. Though we may not know exactly in which ways our thinking differs from that of NTs, and that's where a diagnosis can help one to understand the dynamics of how we are different

If the two of you are like college aged then he MUST know that he is square peg by this time.

The fact that he is showing more different behavior indicates that whether or not he is ASD, that he at first was apparently on his best behavior to attract you, and is now letting down his guard and showing you who he really is.

As for the video game obsession, hopefully it is under control enough that it doesn't keep him from holding a job and other responsibilities?

As for saying he loves you once and that should be enough for the rest of your life? Red flag that says "the best is now behind us, in the past ... you are still here and by your presence agree to this, so if my behavior gets worse, I will now blame it on you, because I've told you what I'm like and you were okay with it."

If he starts demeaning you, putting you down, insulting you in subtle ways that make you question yourself, watch out, ... could signal an abusive relationship.

Best not to confront, but observe and be wise ... ASD or not, he needs to have respect for you or else the relationship is not a healthy one.

As for me, I didn't know I was autistic until I was middle-aged. That said, as a human being I realize I have weaknesses that I should work on.

Someone only willing to say they love you once and refuse to do so anymore doesn't sound right to me. I do know there are some people who are shy about expressing love verbally ... does he show love in other ways, or is the relationship starting to become all about him? Someone who really loves you will care about what you want, will care about your needs and be willing to sacrifice for you. It shouldn't all be one-sided. So while it's best not to be confrontational, the issue of expressing love should somehow be discussed in a gentle way.

NOTE: I have made some edits to my original post. It's now the way I want it.

Thanks for your response! As far as I know his video game obsession is under control. He started 1st year Uni in September and still attends all classes and finishes assignments in time. The affection/love thing can bother me sometimes cause it makes me feel insecure at times and need to have some reassurance. Sometimes I get some, sometimes not. But he shows me in other ways, he makes beautiful paintings for me, sends heart emoji, tells me he misses me, even if I'm gone for not super long. So I think it's fine?

I was just wondering he knows his behaviour is not 'normal' and if I should talk to him about it. He still lives at home with his parents, so I would suspect they know? Or do parents not always see it? It took me only some weeks to figure something out..

He is 18 and started university this year. After the first weeks he told me all people in his class liked him because he is funny and he talks a lot. Yet every day in between classes he sits alone in the library talking on messenger with me, so they dont really include him in stuff they do. So I believe they notice he is 'not normal' also and find it funny but he thinks they are friends? Not sure though.

I think you should tell him.

I believe most people with Autism Spectrum Disorders, at the very least, know they are "different" from others.

Maybe you should talk to him about himself in a positive way telling him you think he is unique and asking him if he feels like he is different or unique or something like that. Rather than approaching him that he's different in a weird way. People with autism need to know that they are accepted and feel supported. He might feel guarded about himself. Also sometimes people with autism don't have self awareness. They don't know how they act and appear different to others. I know how I act based more on what I have been told about it.

Last edited by EzraS on 16 Nov 2017, 11:58 am, edited 1 time in total.

Yes I think they know they are different than others. They may feel others seem to figure things out faster than them and they are the last to figure it out. I always felt I had to copy people to figure it all out and figure out how I am supposed to be acting and what to do and what I can do. I also felt I was the last to figure things out and other kids seemed to figure it out quicker lol. I was also called slow by my peers. I never understood why I was this way and just figured it was just me being me and I am different.

Some ASD people think everyone is acting and they are just better at it and suppress themselves more around others and think they deal with sensory issues better than they do.

And I am sure the ones on the severe end of the spectrum would have no clue and those with severe AS may think everyone is weird and strange and they are the only one who is normal and think others don't understand anything they are trying to do and tell them and think everyone is doing things wrong so they must show them and oh no why aren't they listening. Then they might figure out eventually they have a problem and it's them who are different and everyone else is normal so they start to seek out doctors. And some on the very mild end like me know they are different and everyone else is normal. They have more self awareness and IMO they are more prone to having low self esteem and depression while those with severe autism would be happier because of their lack of self awareness so negative comments they might get might not affect them due to their lack of self awareness and understanding of others perspectives.

This is excellent advice.

I've always known I was different from others, even when I was little. I didn't know I had ASD until I was diagnosed, though, of course. I think most autistics probably know they're different, although I'm not sure about those with severe intellectual disabilities who have less understanding of the world around them.

From what I have read here the vast majority of people on the Autism Spectrum know they are different but not necessarily that they are autistic. If they do not know or suspect they often attribute their differences to character flaws or mental illness and will try and hide or "pass" for "normal'.

I always knew I thought differently than other people, I just didn't know it had a name until recently.

As far as you asking him, it's not a disease that must be diagnosed. He is who he is, label or not. Why does it "get to you?" His brain wiring isn't going to change, so you can accept it or not. You could approach it as asking him about how he processes, how he thinks about things. If he knows he is autistic, he might tell you. If he doesn't know it and you throw a label with such a stigma at him, it might end badly. Also, make your intentions and expectations crystal clear. If he is autistic, he may not pick up on subtle hints from you, you just have to ask for what you want.

I think it's great if he can let his guard down to you and be the way he is. There is no "normal," everyone has issues. Having a relationship is about how well you can respect each other as unique individuals and communicate and support each other's needs.

Especially excellent points here too ...

How much do you know about his family, parents and siblings?

I dunno. I am thinking that maybe you might make small talk about stuff like "which parent were you closer to?".

If he talks about his family he might reveal stuff like if his parents also think he is odd, and whether they may even worry about it, and whether or not they have sent him to shrinks about it, or not.