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Benjamin the Donkey
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20 Nov 2017, 10:00 am

Being a foreigner puts me on something resembling an equal footing with NTs because <I>everyone</I> feels awkward and weird as a foreigner, and local people are more forgiving because they assume all foreigners are a bit weird. I've lived away from my home country for 16 years, and I doubt I'll ever go back.


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k.wolf
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21 Nov 2017, 10:20 am

Clakker wrote:
k.wolf wrote:
Keladry wrote:
K.wolf, which country are you studying in? I teach ESL to international students in the US, and many of them experience the exact same thing as you, even those who aren't on the spectrum. If you share with us the country, we might be able to help you brainstorm some ways to make more connections without you having to go outside of your comfort zone.

I'm studying in Portugal and I'm originally from Brazil. I've always wanted to go to the US or Canada but this is the only country my parents were financially able to send me off to, as I don't come from a rich family.
Because the people here speak the same native language as I do, at first it may seem like I wouldn't struggle with that aspect but the accent and writing are very different and I probably would be having much less difficulty with the language if I was located in an english-speaking country, honestly.


If your in Lisbon go to Baixa and Rossio or take this walking tour http://lisboaautentica.com/en/passeio/lisbon-with-fernando-pessoa

I'm not in Lisbon. But even then I am not sure how a tour is supposed to help me?
Coming here was the worst mistake of my life. I break down in tears everytime I look at pictures of my dog who I left with my parents back in my home country. At least there I had a friend.



Clakker
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21 Nov 2017, 11:54 am

k.wolf wrote:
Clakker wrote:
k.wolf wrote:
Keladry wrote:
K.wolf, which country are you studying in? I teach ESL to international students in the US, and many of them experience the exact same thing as you, even those who aren't on the spectrum. If you share with us the country, we might be able to help you brainstorm some ways to make more connections without you having to go outside of your comfort zone.

I'm studying in Portugal and I'm originally from Brazil. I've always wanted to go to the US or Canada but this is the only country my parents were financially able to send me off to, as I don't come from a rich family.
Because the people here speak the same native language as I do, at first it may seem like I wouldn't struggle with that aspect but the accent and writing are very different and I probably would be having much less difficulty with the language if I was located in an english-speaking country, honestly.


If your in Lisbon go to Baixa and Rossio or take this walking tour http://lisboaautentica.com/en/passeio/lisbon-with-fernando-pessoa


I'm not in Lisbon. But even then I am not sure how a tour is supposed to help me?
Coming here was the worst mistake of my life. I break down in tears everytime I look at pictures of my dog who I left with my parents back in my home country. At least there I had a friend.

You’re an isolated homesick student from a country that was birthed by a giant from yesteryear. Portugal is a country with a magnificent past- a past worth taking a look at. My point is explore the country, you’re young. As a matter of fact, explore the continent. And if you love dogs, Portugal is well known throughout Europe for its stray dog problem. They’re many dog rescue operations looking for volunteers. My point is get involved in your community.


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Keladry
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21 Nov 2017, 12:41 pm

Clakker wrote:
k.wolf wrote:
Clakker wrote:
k.wolf wrote:
Keladry wrote:
K.wolf, which country are you studying in? I teach ESL to international students in the US, and many of them experience the exact same thing as you, even those who aren't on the spectrum. If you share with us the country, we might be able to help you brainstorm some ways to make more connections without you having to go outside of your comfort zone.

I'm studying in Portugal and I'm originally from Brazil. I've always wanted to go to the US or Canada but this is the only country my parents were financially able to send me off to, as I don't come from a rich family.
Because the people here speak the same native language as I do, at first it may seem like I wouldn't struggle with that aspect but the accent and writing are very different and I probably would be having much less difficulty with the language if I was located in an english-speaking country, honestly.


If your in Lisbon go to Baixa and Rossio or take this walking tour http://lisboaautentica.com/en/passeio/lisbon-with-fernando-pessoa


I'm not in Lisbon. But even then I am not sure how a tour is supposed to help me?
Coming here was the worst mistake of my life. I break down in tears everytime I look at pictures of my dog who I left with my parents back in my home country. At least there I had a friend.

You’re an isolated homesick student from a country that was birthed by a giant from yesteryear. Portugal is a country with a magnificent past- a past worth taking a look at. My point is explore the country, you’re young. As a matter of fact, explore the continent. And if you love dogs, Portugal is well known throughout Europe for its stray dog problem. They’re many dog rescue operations looking for volunteers. My point is get involved in your community.


I think the idea of exploring the country as you can is a good idea. You might not meet a lot of other people, but it will help to at least get a better feel for the country and could be fun.

For meeting people, there's a few things you could try:
- does your university and/or town have any student groups or clubs? What activities are you interested in doing? What groups are there to do those activities in?

- form a study group with others from your classes. This might be a little harder to do, but could be a good ice-breaker type of activity to start to get to know your classmates.

- try meetup.com I do not know if it has spread to Portugal yet, but if it has, it can be a good way to meet people (or you could start one and see if anyone joins :) )

- look for expat groups. You might consider looking for one even for people from a different country than yours - you might not be meeting people from Portugal, but you would be meeting people, even people not from your own country, and maybe you will find some friends. And even if you don't - many of them have probably gone through the same thing as you and can share ways that they met people and/or created their own acquaintances in Portugal.

- Where do you live? In the dorms, in an apartment, with a host family? If you are currently living on your own in a dorm or an apartment, I would seriously consider trying to move to either: 1. find a host family - best option and way to meet people, but I know can be hard to find/set up, or 2. move to an apartment and get a roommate, preferably someone who is from Portugal.

- are you religious? if so, go to church, and join in on any church activities you can so you meet people

- do you play an instrument, and/or are you interested in playing one? Take music lessons, even if you feel you don't need them - you will meet your teacher at least, and might be able to find groups to get together and play with casually.

- are there any asd support groups for adults around? If so, could be a place to either meet people, and/or find out about other ideas/ways of breaking through some of the cultural barriers and finding friends

- travel around Portugal a bit, and stay in Hostel dorm rooms with other people/strangers. While some of the people will just be traveling through short-term, some might be students like you studying abroad in Portugal and you might be able to find others who are also living in your city.

I can probably think of more things to try. I do however think the absolute worst thing you can do right now is just stay at home and study and wish you knew more people. Go out and explore and have fun, even if you have to do it on your own, because you can still have a great time.



k.wolf
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21 Nov 2017, 3:04 pm

Keladry wrote:

I think the idea of exploring the country as you can is a good idea. You might not meet a lot of other people, but it will help to at least get a better feel for the country and could be fun.

For meeting people, there's a few things you could try:
- does your university and/or town have any student groups or clubs? What activities are you interested in doing? What groups are there to do those activities in?

- form a study group with others from your classes. This might be a little harder to do, but could be a good ice-breaker type of activity to start to get to know your classmates.

- try meetup.com I do not know if it has spread to Portugal yet, but if it has, it can be a good way to meet people (or you could start one and see if anyone joins :) )

- look for expat groups. You might consider looking for one even for people from a different country than yours - you might not be meeting people from Portugal, but you would be meeting people, even people not from your own country, and maybe you will find some friends. And even if you don't - many of them have probably gone through the same thing as you and can share ways that they met people and/or created their own acquaintances in Portugal.

- Where do you live? In the dorms, in an apartment, with a host family? If you are currently living on your own in a dorm or an apartment, I would seriously consider trying to move to either: 1. find a host family - best option and way to meet people, but I know can be hard to find/set up, or 2. move to an apartment and get a roommate, preferably someone who is from Portugal.

- are you religious? if so, go to church, and join in on any church activities you can so you meet people

- do you play an instrument, and/or are you interested in playing one? Take music lessons, even if you feel you don't need them - you will meet your teacher at least, and might be able to find groups to get together and play with casually.

- are there any asd support groups for adults around? If so, could be a place to either meet people, and/or find out about other ideas/ways of breaking through some of the cultural barriers and finding friends

- travel around Portugal a bit, and stay in Hostel dorm rooms with other people/strangers. While some of the people will just be traveling through short-term, some might be students like you studying abroad in Portugal and you might be able to find others who are also living in your city.

I can probably think of more things to try. I do however think the absolute worst thing you can do right now is just stay at home and study and wish you knew more people. Go out and explore and have fun, even if you have to do it on your own, because you can still have a great time.


Honestly I don't get much enjoyment out of socializing in real life. I might feel exhausted after a mere 5 minutes of chatting specially if the environment isn't favorable (e.g., too many other people also chatting in the background) and if the conversation itself has no goal I feel bored. I'm also not the adventurous type - I like staying at home and not wandering too far off, I get too anxious in unknown places or situations.
I'm living by myself in an apartment and it was my choice because there's no way I am able to function with other people around me (our personalities may clash, they might be too noisy or annoying and disrupt my routine, and I would prefer to avoid conflict). I might look into clubs later on but right now I'm too demotivated to do that, and too worried about not being able to pass a specific class I have this semester. I've scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist at the university's health center because I feel severely depressed.



Keladry
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21 Nov 2017, 7:30 pm

k.wolf wrote:
Keladry wrote:

I think the idea of exploring the country as you can is a good idea. You might not meet a lot of other people, but it will help to at least get a better feel for the country and could be fun.

For meeting people, there's a few things you could try:
- does your university and/or town have any student groups or clubs? What activities are you interested in doing? What groups are there to do those activities in?

- form a study group with others from your classes. This might be a little harder to do, but could be a good ice-breaker type of activity to start to get to know your classmates.

- try meetup.com I do not know if it has spread to Portugal yet, but if it has, it can be a good way to meet people (or you could start one and see if anyone joins :) )

- look for expat groups. You might consider looking for one even for people from a different country than yours - you might not be meeting people from Portugal, but you would be meeting people, even people not from your own country, and maybe you will find some friends. And even if you don't - many of them have probably gone through the same thing as you and can share ways that they met people and/or created their own acquaintances in Portugal.

- Where do you live? In the dorms, in an apartment, with a host family? If you are currently living on your own in a dorm or an apartment, I would seriously consider trying to move to either: 1. find a host family - best option and way to meet people, but I know can be hard to find/set up, or 2. move to an apartment and get a roommate, preferably someone who is from Portugal.

- are you religious? if so, go to church, and join in on any church activities you can so you meet people

- do you play an instrument, and/or are you interested in playing one? Take music lessons, even if you feel you don't need them - you will meet your teacher at least, and might be able to find groups to get together and play with casually.

- are there any asd support groups for adults around? If so, could be a place to either meet people, and/or find out about other ideas/ways of breaking through some of the cultural barriers and finding friends

- travel around Portugal a bit, and stay in Hostel dorm rooms with other people/strangers. While some of the people will just be traveling through short-term, some might be students like you studying abroad in Portugal and you might be able to find others who are also living in your city.

I can probably think of more things to try. I do however think the absolute worst thing you can do right now is just stay at home and study and wish you knew more people. Go out and explore and have fun, even if you have to do it on your own, because you can still have a great time.


Honestly I don't get much enjoyment out of socializing in real life. I might feel exhausted after a mere 5 minutes of chatting specially if the environment isn't favorable (e.g., too many other people also chatting in the background) and if the conversation itself has no goal I feel bored. I'm also not the adventurous type - I like staying at home and not wandering too far off, I get too anxious in unknown places or situations.
I'm living by myself in an apartment and it was my choice because there's no way I am able to function with other people around me (our personalities may clash, they might be too noisy or annoying and disrupt my routine, and I would prefer to avoid conflict). I might look into clubs later on but right now I'm too demotivated to do that, and too worried about not being able to pass a specific class I have this semester. I've scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist at the university's health center because I feel severely depressed.


I think that's probably a good idea (the appointment). It sounds like you need to first take care of the depression before you can work on the rest. Good luck, and try to stay positive!



k.wolf
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24 Nov 2017, 11:40 am

Keladry wrote:

I think that's probably a good idea (the appointment). It sounds like you need to first take care of the depression before you can work on the rest. Good luck, and try to stay positive!

Yeah I thought it was a good idea as well. Turns out it wasn't. It was probably the worst, most incomplete medical appointment I've ever had in my life. When he asked why I was there, I began saying that my psychologist back in my home country had recommended that I see a psychiatrist. He interrupted me mid-sentence saying he wasn't a psychologist, he was a psychiatrist, to which I replied "Yes I know"; I was extremely confused by that.
Then he went on to ask me questions such as if I was feeling sad, or if I was having nightmares or had trouble sleeping. I used to be a medical student so I know a little bit about what's appropriate or not to say in a clinical setting; he never asked about any family history of depression, never tested my level of "sadness" with any of the many depression scales available; he never asked any sort of open-eneded questions which is usually what is recommended to allow the patient to express as much as he/she would like.
I walked out with a TCA prescription which I am not going to take due to the anticholinergic side effects; I wanted a SSRI because they are more tolerable and more commonly prescribed for anxiety (which I also have).
I don't kow. Sometimes I seem to piss people off in this country very easily. There are days I barely even say a single sentence. It's better to keep my mouth shut here.



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24 Nov 2017, 1:24 pm

k.wolf wrote:
Keladry wrote:

I think that's probably a good idea (the appointment). It sounds like you need to first take care of the depression before you can work on the rest. Good luck, and try to stay positive!

Yeah I thought it was a good idea as well. Turns out it wasn't. It was probably the worst, most incomplete medical appointment I've ever had in my life. When he asked why I was there, I began saying that my psychologist back in my home country had recommended that I see a psychiatrist. He interrupted me mid-sentence saying he wasn't a psychologist, he was a psychiatrist, to which I replied "Yes I know"; I was extremely confused by that.
Then he went on to ask me questions such as if I was feeling sad, or if I was having nightmares or had trouble sleeping. I used to be a medical student so I know a little bit about what's appropriate or not to say in a clinical setting; he never asked about any family history of depression, never tested my level of "sadness" with any of the many depression scales available; he never asked any sort of open-eneded questions which is usually what is recommended to allow the patient to express as much as he/she would like.
I walked out with a TCA prescription which I am not going to take due to the anticholinergic side effects; I wanted a SSRI because they are more tolerable and more commonly prescribed for anxiety (which I also have).
I don't kow. Sometimes I seem to piss people off in this country very easily. There are days I barely even say a single sentence. It's better to keep my mouth shut here.



Maybe try someone else and get a second opinion? It can sometimes take awhile to find someone who can help (and I'd probably recommend a psychologist over a psychiatrist)



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12 Dec 2017, 1:10 pm

karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
I don't know about travelling, because I haven't really don't much of any travelling, but I know growing up I found it easier to make friends with immigrant kids than other children who were born in Canada. Any time there was a kid in my class from somewhere else, they almost seemed drawn to me. I don't remember making a specific effort to be friends with them over other kids, they just seemed to naturally gravitate towards me. And though they were from somewhere with a different language and culture they were often easier to get along with than my other classmates. I never really understood why or thought about it that much, but as an adult looking back and knowing now about autism I can see why it was easier for me to get along with immigrant children.

This exact same thing happened to be both in public school and University. Of all the friends I made, almost all were foreigners and they usually came to me: unfortunately they all went back to their native countries one by one. I even remembering have the recluse kid from China over to my house and I imagine that's the only time he went somewhere other than school. My best friend in elementary school was from England and he sadly only stayed for a short time in Canada. Even in my worst bullying days the 'scary and tough' black kids all either left me alone or were reasonably friendly towards me. Heck, even at work the only two coworkers I ever had visit me at home were both from the United Kingdom!

What's really strange is that I live in an area of the city that is over 50% foreigners and they aren't the least bit friendly or warm towards me. Don't get me wrong they don't cause trouble but it's been a different experience than as a kid.



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12 Dec 2017, 3:54 pm

emmasma wrote:
I heard this on Aspicast recently and it seemed to put into words something that I have known. The host said that he visited a foreign country and for a while was able to relate and socialize without as many of his issued getting in the way. It seems like being unfamiliar with the culture gives you a pass on social cues and cultural norms and stuff for a while. People are also nicer and interested to know about you. Your differences are expected and not seen as strange and awkward. Maybe it just takes longer for people to pick up on the awkwardness? These are mostly my theories on it, the thought was his though. Do any other aspies find it easier to function in a foreign culture?



I think this would only be temporary but once you have been there long enough, people quit giving you a break because they now expect you should know these things and have picked up on it already. They expect you to conform to their social norms. It's like when you are new to work and you are slow at learning and picking up on things and knowing where everything is especially if they keep moving it and if you don't understand what they always tell you, but then all that goes away after you have been there for so long. All of a sudden you are expected to know where everything always is even if it has been moved to another spot (my old work would move things every few weeks I was not able to keep up with where everything is and I was still expected to know) and expected to understand everything you are told and remember how to do things after being shown it once and expected to remember how a month later even if it's not in your routine. This has been my work experience.

But if you are a traveler, I don't think you might run into this issue. A mover, yes even if you are there for a year.

Edit: I could be wrong here, maybe this is only for the American culture towards foreigners.


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ltcvnzl
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16 Dec 2017, 10:25 pm

For me this is really true. I lived one year abroad and I made more friendships there than in my whole life, and in overall, I engaged much more to social activities than here and I genuinely enjoyed it. I guess you have more freedom to be awkward if you are out of your context, it is expected and people are cool from it, but also I think I just went to a culture which was a better match to my own personality, and it was unexpected for people, adding even more points in favor of me.

I'm not back to my home-county and I really want to leave again. Apart from the people I met in this period, my oldest and best friend is also a foreigner.



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16 Dec 2017, 10:43 pm

k.wolf wrote:
Keladry wrote:
K.wolf, which country are you studying in? I teach ESL to international students in the US, and many of them experience the exact same thing as you, even those who aren't on the spectrum. If you share with us the country, we might be able to help you brainstorm some ways to make more connections without you having to go outside of your comfort zone.

I'm studying in Portugal and I'm originally from Brazil. I've always wanted to go to the US or Canada but this is the only country my parents were financially able to send me off to, as I don't come from a rich family.
Because the people here speak the same native language as I do, at first it may seem like I wouldn't struggle with that aspect but the accent and writing are very different and I probably would be having much less difficulty with the language if I was located in an english-speaking country, honestly.


Hi! I'm Brazilian too, and my family is mostly from Portugal. I never lived in Portugal, but I imagine is a difficult experience. There is too many differences but too many similarities, then we just get stuck being somewhere that we are different enough to not fit, but similar enough to not be interesting as a foreigner.

I would suggest you two different things: try to engage with another foreigners, they will probably be more open than the Portuguese, and if you have any connection to Portugal, like family origins, try to research about it, it will give you a connection to the land that may make you feel better in the place, also it can connect you to the people.



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21 Dec 2017, 7:01 am

I felt this when i traveled through Europe. The cultural difference tends to blur my social awkwardness just enough that i feel kind of comfortable.
The same thing happens with foreign people that i serve at work. I seem to be able to serve them better even if we don't speak the same language.