I feel like my nights at home are a test that I can't pass

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RubyWings91
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17 Nov 2017, 9:45 pm

I feel like every night when my Dad's fiance get's home, I'm taking an exam that I fail if I don't get a hundred on. One that he rules keep changing on. I try to do everything right but if I miss one thing, she acts like I'm just ignoring her when she tells me to do something. It leaves me stressed and frustrated but I know I can't say anything because she'll turn it around and make me feel that I'm complaining unnecessarily. I'm not good at on the spot, verbal arguments, I would just fall quiet and let her steam roll right over me. It's how I am.

Every day, between job applications, I'll also do chores like laundry or making food so there's some for every one to have for lunches the next day if they don't want to make dinner. I like to work on my computer at the dining room table both for the space and access to the television (the Dining room and living room are divided by a bar.

I have to have everything organized a certain way when she gets home. The laptop needs to be back in my room or she'll ask why I can't just keep it in there (despite the fact that it doubles as roughly two decades worth of storage space and there's no place to put it except on the pillow of my bed, as I am doing right now, sitting cross legged and curve backed). I need to have all the chairs pushed in at specific locations or she'll tell me it's not so hard to do. I have to be aware of what leftover containers I can and can't eat out of, labeled or not.

I even have to be careful what I say. For instance despite being officially unemployed, I work for hours between job applications and doing stuff around the house during weekdays when everyone else is out and rest during the weekend, On top of that, on week days, I spend much of the time alone in the house and can only count on them being home on the weekend. Yesterday, my Dad was expressing how glad he was that it was almost the weekend and I agreed excitedly. Then she turned to me and asked in an obviously sarcastic 'surprised' tone if I was excited for the weekend too. As if I don't have a hard enough time making myself feel like I'm accomplishing anything without comments like that.

I even thought I was doing good when I cleared out a laundry basket but ended up putting it in the wrong spot. It was her coming in and asking me why it was 'so difficult' just to put it in a specific spot at a specific angle. It was the final push that prompted me to type this up.

Honestly, I'm just frustrated and need somewhere to vent this. It's hard though, putting up with this day in and day out.



couldntthinkofagoodname
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17 Nov 2017, 9:53 pm

I think that would be stressful for a neurotypical person, too. For me, not allowing myself to become upset when others are being unreasonable is my biggest struggle.



RubyWings91
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17 Nov 2017, 10:17 pm

I feel the same. And one of the worst parts is, I don't know when I need to be worried and when I don't.

There'll be things I think I'm doing wrong and it'll turn out that it wasn't even me that was the problem. It's just as frustrating when I put a monumental effort into doing something only to find out that I was misinterpreting the situation and just wasted a ton of my time and energy.



couldntthinkofagoodname
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17 Nov 2017, 11:15 pm

Have you talked to her about how she makes you feel when that happens? If not you should. Something like 'hi NAME, can we talk alone?' and tell her that you feel like you never meet her expectations and it upsets you when she puts you down. If that is the case ask her if she does feel that way and why. It's a perfectly reasonable thing to ask. If she becomes angry about being confronted about it just know that she is in the wrong. If that doesn't help, make your father aware of your feelings when it happens. If you want to go into your room and cry, don't do it in your room do it right there. Even if she didn't have bad intentions (for example, it is possible that she was trying to joke) she needs to realize, accept and act on the fact that she is upsetting you.

I also strongly empathize with the second paragraph. You're definitely not alone. I found for me something that helps somewhat is asking the preliminary question 'could it have been my fault?' followed by 'if I was in their shoes, would I have gone about it that way?'. If either of those are false then I find it easier to not be upset.

There is also the fact that you are your fathers daughter. She's joining the family. She needs to be respectful of you and how you feel. If she isn't she is in the wrong.

Does she ever thank you when you make food or do chores?



the_phoenix
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17 Nov 2017, 11:21 pm

Sounds like your Dad's fiancee is being abusive to you.
Here's hoping you can get a good job and move out soon,
because from the sound of it,
this lady does not have your best interests at heart.



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18 Nov 2017, 1:30 am

[quote="RubyWings91" Yesterday, my Dad was expressing how glad he was that it was almost the weekend and I agreed excitedly. Then she turned to me and asked in an obviously sarcastic 'surprised' tone if I was excited for the weekend too. As if I don't have a hard enough time making myself feel like I'm accomplishing anything without comments like that.[/quote]

She's not a nice person. That was intentionally nasty. I don't think talking to her will help, she'll just turn it into another opportunity to hurt you. Your dad might be a bit useless when it comes to dealing with this, men often don't pick up on things like that, or they ignore it because they have no idea how to deal with it.

Is there any way for you to get out of that house?

Sometimes, family members hook up with the strangest people.


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RubyWings91
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18 Nov 2017, 11:09 pm

couldntthinkofagoodname

Quote:
Have you talked to her about how she makes you feel when that happens? If not you should. Something like 'hi NAME, can we talk alone?' and tell her that you feel like you never meet her expectations and it upsets you when she puts you down. If that is the case ask her if she does feel that way and why. It's a perfectly reasonable thing to ask. If she becomes angry about being confronted about it just know that she is in the wrong. If that doesn't help, make your father aware of your feelings when it happens. If you want to go into your room and cry, don't do it in your room do it right there. Even if she didn't have bad intentions (for example, it is possible that she was trying to joke) she needs to realize, accept and act on the fact that she is upsetting you.


Underwater
Quote:
She's not a nice person. That was intentionally nasty. I don't think talking to her will help, she'll just turn it into another opportunity to hurt you. Your dad might be a bit useless when it comes to dealing with this, men often don't pick up on things like that, or they ignore it because they have no idea how to deal with it.


I have tried approaching her about this. That's how I know it would end with her turning it around on me. It's happened before. Also, although my dad would come to my defense if I were to point this out, as he is extremely protective of me, I'm not sure it's the best approach. I think it would just build more tension. Also, I'm worried that, if I depend on him now, I won't be able to defend myself in situations once I leave the house.



couldntthinkofagoodname
Quote:
There is also the fact that you are your fathers daughter. She's joining the family. She needs to be respectful of you and how you feel. If she isn't she is in the wrong.
Does she ever thank you when you make food or do chores?


the_phoenix
Quote:
Sounds like your Dad's fiancee is being abusive to you.
Here's hoping you can get a good job and move out soon,
because from the sound of it,
this lady does not have your best interests at heart.




Part of the problem is that she is only a fiance in title because they haven't officially married. She's lived with us for over a decade. She sold her house and moved in with us, using up most of that money to help us. She held back on the marriage so that we could more easily go to college and she is working 10-12 hour days to help support the household.

Although she gives me a lot of flack about some things, she'll also praise me when she sees me doing some things. I actually wonder if part of the reason she gets so upset with me is that she doesn't know how much I do, since I usually do it before she gets home, rather than while I'm there. Maybe it gives the illusion of laziness.

On top of that, sometimes, she is supportive of me when someone else (like my actual mother, who is a whole other can of worms) does something to tear me down.

To say she does nothing to my benefit or that she doesn't care about me at all would be lies but when she's around, it can be really difficult. It leaves me feeling really conflicted, part of me wanting to defend her even as another part is hurt and confused. It all makes the situation that much more complicated



RetroGamer87
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21 Nov 2017, 10:27 pm

It's good that she helps you financially but that doesn't give her the right to belittle you. No matter how much money she gives you, she doesn't own you. Tell her that her standards are unreasonable. Tell her that you don't sit around all week, you work hard. Tell your dad. Talk to him alone, away from her influence. And most importantly, back up your laptop.


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RubyWings91
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25 Nov 2017, 3:34 pm

I know it doesn't make it right. And maybe I should just go to my dad because clearly, I'm not doing to well with taking care of this myself.

I'm not really sure what backing up my laptop has to do with this but I do back it up on my flashdrive once every couple of weeks.