I'm finding it really hard to not to hit myself right now

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To make a long story short, my self esteem took a major hit a year and a half ago when my son was taken away. I was in an abusive marriage, but because I was the one who had meltdowns, child services here (Jeugdzorg) took my son away, and they have no intention of giving him back to me ever. My worst nightmare was that I would be worse than my parents who beat and molested me, which I obviously deserved, seeing as I went to child services in my country for help, and they did nothing. My son even came to me with an 8 cm cut on the back of his head. When I confronted my ex about it, his reaction was "If you don't stop making these accusations, there will be no co-parenting, and I will make your life a living hell" then I didn't see my son for 3 months. When I went to the police for help, I was arrested. So I must fundamentally suck as a human being.

I screw everything up. I can't stop hitting myself. When I bought groceries today, I put the kitty litter and a carton of rice milk in a plastic bag, which broke as soon as I started to bike home. I had to walk home, and the whole way home, I couldn't stop itching between the legs, probably God's way of reminding me that I'm a whore, as is the fact that "Hoor" is used a lot in Dutch conversation, I'm not sure how to describe the context of it, as a native English speaker who has been raped more by more men in her life than she has fingers to count them on, and who no one believes, I keep feeling like people are calling me a whore. Because that's all I am.

I couldn't stop hitting myself when I got home. I want to hit myself harder, but a girl was in the bike path in front of my place, bleeding, with emergency workers all around. So I can't scream and hit myself, because I'll probably be arrested, again. It's probably my fault too, she probably heard me and got startled. Like I said, I f**k everything up. I want to hit myself really hard again when the coast is clear. They wouldn't have taken my child and given him to someone who abused me if I was a good person.

If only there were some way you could print out what you just posted and show it to someone who could help you see your son again.

I am sorry that you have had to deal with so many evil people in your life.

I don't know you as a person, but what I do know is
that you don't deserve the bad treatment that's happened to you by others.
So please don't blame yourself.
You are a treasure.

I will pray for your healing and also especially that
life will improve for you
and your son.

Thank you. And that's the thing, people know I feel like this, and it's being held against me. I'm losing more and more hope that he'll ever be an active part of my life again. But currently too exhausted to hit myself, or even get out of bed for that matter.

You don't deserve this. You are not a bad person.

I am a children's social worker. Decisions about what's best for children in difficult family circumstances are really complicated. They are rarely as straightforward as a parent being "good" or "bad". Often when I put children in foster care or place them for adoption, I think their birth parents were doing the very best they could for their children but they just couldn't look after the children well enough (due to lots of factors like - poor mental health, drug or alcohol abuse, domestic violence, having had a rubbish childhood themselves, and so on). In your case, it's clear that you did not choose or cause your meltdowns, but these could be really scary for a young child to see in their parent, who is meant to be the safe person who makes sure everything is ok in the child's life.

Is anybody supporting you to deal with the stuff around seeing your son and your concerns about how your ex treats him? Children's social work has to go on what can be evidenced. I can imagine that if you have lots of worries about your ex, but can't provide independent evidence to back your worries up, and then you have autism/Asperger's-related difficulties communicating your worries to the authorities, then I can see how social workers might perceive you as a "crazy" ex making malicious allegations about your son's father. This is why it would be good if you could find some kind of advocate or supportive friend to talk everything through with and to present to the authorities as clearly as possible why you are worried about your ex's treatment of your son. Unfortunately, if there is no evidence other than what you say that your ex is mistreating your son, then the social workers will not be able to act on this - they might suspect you are telling the truth about your ex but it would be your word against his with no independent evidence

As a social worker, how often do you find that you are pressured to separate children from their families where it's not justified? Here, the decisions are made in huge teams, with most people making the decisions having never met my son or I, but one of the people on the team making decisions about us grabbed my breast while trying to stop me from waving to my son at the end of a visit. He's still on the team, and probably going out of his way to portray me as crazy so he can keep his job. And one thing I have realised in the last few days is that women on the spectrum make the perfect victims for sexual harassment and assault, because if they do try to tell someone, they're seen as so crazy no one will believe them.

I have a few good friends to talk to, but no one with much power. And the evidence I do have is a picture I have of the cut, taken 5 days after it happened, which was the next time I saw my son after that.

My experience has been that everything is so one-sided. My ex is allowed to slam my parenting ability all he wants to, but if I criticise his parenting ability, I'm seen as aggressive. I really need a miracle about how to play these people.

What complicates it further is my son has been diagnosed with autism. It's slowing down his return to me. I realised I have it too, while educating myself about it so I could help him. I'm holding off on getting an official diagnosis until this custody battle is long behind us, because I don't want them to see it as the blind leading the blind, therefore another reason to keep him away from me. Even though if I can treat myself now, then I would be the ultimate parent for a kid with autism.

What they need to see is their expectation that he can develop normally without me, and that I can function normally without him, is entirely unrealistic. And as long as they have this expectation, neither of us will be able to fulfil that, keeping us stuck in this mess. Until this happened, I would say I've still had autistic symptoms my entire life, but I was much higher functioning than I am now. The trauma of this period I'm going through has made my symptoms 10x worse than they normally are.

Whether or not you're on the spectrum, there's no worse feeling than having been abused as a child, then knowing your child is being mistreated but even the law is tying your hands behind your back keeping you from doing anything about it.

One of the reasons they took him away was concerns about his development, based on ignorance about the fact that for the most part, children raised with multiple languages often don't speak until they are 3, he was 2 when they took him. 1 1/2 years later, his development hasn't happened at all, no progress with toilet training, no speech development, and they just put him in front of the iPad all day and give him sh***y food, because of which he's going to an ENT specialist next week. I've raised this concern to them, and highlighted that with me healthy food (which they probably think isn't healthy because I'm vegan) and physical activity would be priorities, which would result in a more well balanced and happier kid.

I'm wary of trying to give any detailed advice, because you're in the Netherlands and I'm in the UK, so the systems will be different.

I never feel pressured into separating families when this is not justified. It is much easier for me as a social worker, and much better for the children I work with, to put support in place to try to keep families together. If I think that neither of a child's birth parents can safely meet the child's needs (short-term or long-term) even with support, then in the UK I am obliged to look at extended birth family before placing with stranger foster carers or adopters. Custody battles between separated parents are one of the yukkiest parts of my job, because they are often a lot less clear-cut than cases where I place children in stranger foster care. You talk about "separating families", but I'm guessing that legally you and your ex have equal Parental Responsibility (or the Netherlands-equivalent) for your son, so your son is not living with strangers but with his other parent, who in law is as much a parent to him as you are. So legally, your son would be just as separated from his parents if he were living with you but not with his father.

Do you have legal advice for the custody dispute in respect of your son? (I *hate* the UK legal aid reforms of the past 5 years which mean most parents in the UK no longer get legal aid for this.) If so, I would have a hypothetical discussion with your legal advisor about whether, if you were to suspect yourself to have Aspergers, it would be helpful to the custody dispute to get this formally diagnosed. If you were in the UK and were a friend I was advising, I might be in favour of you seeking a formal diagnosis because this could potentially be helpful - agencies would have to make reasonable accommodations for your Aspergers, you might be able to access increased advocacy resources, and you might be able to use knowledge of your Aspergers to discuss things which have gone against you in the past (e.g. difficulties articulating yourself to agencies) and to discuss changes you would make if your son were returned to your care in order to ensure you met his needs better (e.g. trying to avoid overstimulation to aviod the risk of you having meltdowns whilst your son was in your sole care).

My one piece of advice which I think holds whichever country you are in is to try to express things as factually and unemotively as possible. For example, compare:
1) "My son had a cut on his head. I took this photo. When I asked my son how it had happened, he said "Ouchee" but did not say anything else. When I asked [Father's name] about it, he said, "Don't go accusing me of anything. I'll make your life a living hell." I do not know the cause of the cut to my son's head, but the fact he had the cut worried me."
2) "My son had a cut on his head which looked like it had been really nasty at first but was a few days old. I was really worried about it and so took a photo. I asked my son about it. He looked scared and unhappy, but didn't tell me how it had happened. I tried to ask my ex about it, but he became aggressive and shouted at me threateningly about how he would make my life a living hell if I told people. I'm sure my ex must have hurt my son because he has a nasty temper and was always impatient with my son when we were still living together."
The first version sticks to exactly the facts of what you know. The second version adds in emotions and suppositions which might seem justified but which can't be proved from the evidence available.

You state - "What they need to see is their expectation that he can develop normally without me, and that I can function normally without him, is entirely unrealistic." Unfortunately for you, Children's Services have no duty to assist you in functioning normally or to ensure your wellbeing or anything similar. (This is certainly the case in the UK and I would guess is the case pretty much anywhere.) My responsibility as a child's social worker is solely to act in the best interests of the child. I try to help out parents where I can, but if the best interests of the child are in conflict with the best interests of a parent (or any other adult), then it is the best interests of the child which are prioritised.

Given that your son has now been diagnosed with autism, it might help your case to go back through the early reports written and see if any of the conclusions reached can be challenged in light of the autism diagnosis. For example, if any of the reports were to say, "[Shakti] has always been [Son's] main carer. At the age of 2, [Son] is non-verbal and not toilet-trained, therefore his development is notably delayed compared to that of his peers. This may be due to [Shakti] not giving him age-appropriate stimulation" - then you could point out that his delays in acquiring language and becoming toilet-trained are likely to be linked to his autism and could ask whether there is any other evidence that you were not giving your son age-appropriate stimulation, and so on.

(Edited for typo)

For the last year and a half, my son has been living with my ex's parents, who are a 2 hour drive away from here. Since the day after he left me, my ex has been allowed to go there as much as he wants to. My son will be living with my ex full time as soon as a place becomes available for him in a special education program they want to put him in. Which my ex won't be able to handle by himself, and I'm terrified of him getting overwhelmed and constantly snapping at our son, creating more problems. He did this a lot when we were still together. For my ex, it's very handy having his parents raise his son, as they get €500/month for being foster parents, and it's better for his ego having his mother raise his son than his ex-wife.

The first time my ex asked for a divorce was when his father tried to assault me. My ex's mother was there when it happened, and she told child services I was making it up. This is one of the main reasons they won't do anything. My mother did the same thing, when my brother was on trial for hitting his ex-wife, she lied under oath and said he never hit his kids. They very clearly remember her being in the room when he hit them, thus they want to have as little to do with her as possible, and I can't blame them, even though she is my mother. But I understand where it comes from, disassociation via pathological lying, it's easier to cope with knowing someone close to you is violent by denying it, even to yourself. The problem is if she is capable of this, and he hits my son, which he has joked about, and I was there when he hit his other grandson while I was pregnant, it would go unchecked. My son isn't verbal yet, so he wouldn't be able to tell me, and trauma like this could delay when he is verbal. And because my ex's mother said it didn't happen, they believe her, and it hurts me every second of every day that they don't believe me. With that, or that my first caseworker tried to grab my breast to stop me from waving to my son at the end of a visit, and is getting away with it and keeping his job by claiming I'm mentally ill, and gaslighting me to make sure I keep showing symptoms.

I finally have an amazing lawyer, but I had to go through 5 first to get to her. Most of the others assumed I was guilty as charged, and didn't try when it came to helping me. One thing that will be amazing once my divorce is finally underway is that I qualify for free legal aid, while my ex makes too much to qualify for free aid, but makes €50,000 a year which isn't enough to easily pay for hours of legal fees out of his own pocket. So I completely intend on seeking damages for what he has cost my business. The reason our divorce has been delayed is I'm not Dutch or EU, so I've had to apply for my own visa to make sure I'm able to stay here independent of him.

I have had to practice, a lot, as being unemotional about things. Which for someone on the spectrum, is about as difficult as trying to climb Mt. Everest while wearing ice skates. I have a hearing this coming Thursday, where my lawyer is trying to get this overturned and get them to say my son has the right to live with me. However, what I understand about how these judges work is they automatically do go along with whatever child services wants, and there's usually bribes being passed under the table. According to a mother of an autistic child I talked to, his diagnosis means that either his father or child services is pocketing the €17,000 a year given by the Dutch government to the primary caretaker of special needs children. It's sick, they're using my son as a cash cow, and when I try to alert people to this they think I'm crazy. If they keep my son sick, lots of money can be made off of ordering him to go to treatment and take medication.

In this case, even without considering my needs, they are not doing what is in the best interest of my son. It seems like a no-brainer that for an autistic toddler, separation from either parent would be enough to turn an otherwise high-functioning child into one with full blown symptoms. He hasn't developed at all in the last year and a half, so it has. And of course, treating me in a way that is cruel and inhumane, then expecting me to act normally, isn't realistic. Even if they don't help me, at least they could refrain from hurting me. I've been close to killing myself many times in the last year, because according to them, I'm worse than the pedophile I grew up with. When I tried to go to child services for help, they didn't believe me, and left me with my parents. This has eaten me alive, vomited me up, and eaten me alive again many times for the last year and a half.

This particularly looks ominous: http://www.cbc.ca/beta/news/canada/mani ... -1.4388115 And this has basically been my experience so far: https://theindigorabbit.blogspot.nl/201 ... y.html?m=1

Is there any evidence, or anecdotes from people on here, anything, that says that symptoms of autism are worsened in the event of separation from the parents? You would think this would be so obvious if they're experts on children, but sadly, my experience with dealing with child services has been like dealing with people who want to stay stuck in the 1950s.

But then again, the first caseworker I had sexually harassed me. So I'll probably always be seen as crazy by them, no matter what I do, because someone wants to keep his job. And access to other women and possibly children to abuse.

Shakti, I'm concerned about your compromised mental health. It seems like you are taking the right steps to improve your rights of access to your child, like working with a lawyer. But you also must improve your mental health, overcome your feelings of being abused and victimized (which paradoxically makes you vulnerable to more of the same), and do the things necessary as an autistic person to decrease the chances of meltdowns, self-harm impulses, and allowing other people to steam-roll you. This is not the work of a day, it's the work of many years, but you certainly can get started now. Be of good faith, you are on the path already, I'm just urging you to "keep your eyes on the prize" and not get sidetracked.

I also want to thank Phoenix and Sycamore for their kind and wise messages.

I do know one thing for sure, if and when my son and I are together again, healing the trauma of this separation is going to be a big deal for us, that we will both need a lot of support for. And the sooner this separation is over, the sooner that can happen. I worry all the time about the damage to my mental health that their abuse has caused.