Long friendship with Aspie . . . I give up

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I've heard that often enough from friends in any kind of relationship, that I suspect it is not specific to someone on the spectrum. If there is a difference, it is maybe that the person's "default personality" when not trying to impress is different and so more noticeable/hurtful, rather than that they are more likely to take somebody for granted per-se.[/quote

Yes.

Just had a message to say cd ordered . . . . . .spooky . . . . .unless . . . . .. . . . .one of you guys?.?

This part I recognise, and is partly what I meant by the "default personality" being different once the initial flush of excitement has worn off. I think that if he has such fears, then it comes down to whether he is able and willing to talk about them, because you can't allay his fears unless he acknowledges them. And when I say "talk about them", yes, that could mean that some kind of therapy would be in order. This would be true of any person who is suffering from profound insecurity, of course, though maybe harder to deal with as the source of the insecurity is more innate than it would be in a person who was relationship adverse because of, say, a specific bad past experience.


That's the tricky bit, and is more specific. "Not having asperger's" is a hypothetical situation which is unimaginable to somebody with asperger's - profoundly unimaginable, not just difficult. While I appreciate that you are exaggerating a little to make your point (as I am also), this part sounds like you are projecting. You can't know how he would behave without asperger's any more than he can himself - he would be a different person completely, and you might never even have clicked in the first place. It is essentially saying that you want him to be a different person, where you get to keep only the bits that you like. Only you can decide if his autistic traits are something you can live with, but essentially that is what it boils down to, just the same as any other relationship where the other person has traits which cause you pain.


He realised he messed up at least, so that's a good sign. One possibility here is that he is indirectly trying to impress you by showing how much he wants to be part of your "out in the world" life. He could be trying a little too hard to demonstrate that he approves of your choice of company, and how much he can "fit in" to your social life.


Any chance he could be reading this and has recognised himself?

Oh please don't misunderstand me, my comment was a gross exaggeration of what he might be feeling, but no, I would not change him. Once we were having a close talk and he was having difficulties with it and he said "you know I have asperger's, right?" which he knew I knew. But he said something about being flawed and I corrected him saying that it is all of his constituent parts that make him who he is and that's part of him. The truth is that there are a lot of bits and pieces of him that I love so much that are a direct result of his asperger's. My comment was just trying to say that if he didn't have such trouble communicating, maybe he wouldn't be so uncomfortable. And I feel like I will never know if the issue is that discomfort or if he just doesn't care for me at all, and I really was just a utility function to him while he had easy daily access to me and now he doesn't so I just don't matter anymore. I have no idea.

As far as being more concrete, I've given examples here but also in other posts. I do not think anyone would care for me to repeat all that here.

I'm going to have to agree with hurtloam in that. I don't really know her story but if she believed that some guy was into her, I'd believe he was, because I am pretty darn sure my aspie friend cared about me too. Then he just didn't one day. The question becomes why did they all if a sudden seem to change their minds? Did they not feel it anymore or did they still feel something but run away out of fear? I, for one, will probably never know the real truth.

No worries, l certainly wasn't offended at all, and I appreciate your speaking so openly about it. The phrase encapsulated an idea that I guess I'm a little touchy about - that there is somehow a "real me" curled up inside that will emerge like a butterfly from my cocoon one day.


Yes, I see now, that is well put.

Have to go get some chores done now, but this thread has really set me thinking about some of my own friendships that failed in the past for reasons that I never understood. I'll keep that last thought in mind and maybe return if inspiration comes to me in the bath!

Oh I know why some guys have changed their minds with me. I get stressed and I do weird things

There's the one I accidentally stood up for example. Different guy. I heard later that he was really into me and talked about me all the time. I didn't have transport that day and couldn't meet up and asked a friend to pass on a message.

Yeah. I tend to misunderstand situations and mess up. Then because of all my mistakes I get more stressed about doing the wrong thing and mess up more because the stress makes me go weird.

I'm doomed lol.

Anyway I get that explanation about an aspies thinking other's will just know they care. But really my friends. You have got to tell the other person. They don't just know... yes I am a hypocrite. I don't follow this advice. But that's because i think they do know, but i convince myself they don't care and I don't want to humiliate myself by making it too obvious. I think my caring is unwanted

This kind back and forth behavior is known in psychology to cause unhealthy attachment. People are generally advised to stay away from someone who treats them like that, because trying to understand just causes more unhealthy attachment - the other person is not likely to give you a decent explanation for his behavior.

You can't really go to an autism forum and ask for help with stuff like this, because I don't believe the behavior is caused by autism. Plenty of NTs behave like this, just slightly differently.

The question is really why you waste years of your life on this, when you could go out there and meet someone who is actually capable of fulfilling your needs. I'm not saying it's easy to pull away, but rather difficult and necessary.

How old are you ladies? It's kinda ok to go through this when you're young and inexperienced, but at some point you need to figure out how you're going to make yourselves happy.

I did not deal with the back and forth for years, that was something that he started doing out of the blue after what I thought was a close working relationship for years that was starting to grow more personal. It's the confusion over why he behaved this way all of a sudden that is at issue. I want my friend back. And just saying, I'm not young. Lol. He is younger than me though.

It's possible that your guy was interested then lost interest at some point, or maybe he was never really interested in that way or not interested enough at least. You can't be 100% sure unless he explicitly tells you that he likes you in a romantic way (or you tell him and admits back...etc), otherwise it's all speculation, not matter how convincing his behavior may have sounded to you.

Smiling from afar, being extra nice to you, talking to you, staring at you....they are all no guarantee that he loves you; (unless he initiates texting or even calls you all the time even after midnight then yeah, those are the strongest signs usually).

But these confusions happen all the time with people during courting, it's not just a AS thing. It's cross-neurodiversity and cross cultural, it's totally a universal thing - and 90% of the romance struggles are from such things.

Agree. Intermittent reinforcement creates powerful emotional bonds resistant to change. It is stronger for people who grew up that way because it is “normal”. The longer a relationship continues, the more difficult it is to leave. To escape the passivity of victimhood, one must take responsibility for their own desires & actions. It could be that each partner stirs up unconscious unresolved issues in the other. Perhaps take a look inside with tools like meditation & journaling. Good luck on your journey.

I think you'd need a time machine for that. A barrier was broken, and he started trying to reestablish barriers. That is what this looks like from your text.

But I remember both you ladies from earlier exchanges. You've been talking about this for a while.

All relationships cause angst . . .. . . Just those with folk on the spectrum cause a special type of angst. I think sometimes you are mixing me up with imhere who has been hurt badly by her friend.

My friendship although difficult and at times confusing is not unhealthy. . . . . .

Yep and keep talking about it in an attempt to understand and be a good friend. Not to make judgements based on his Asperger. Here is the best place for me to explore this. I have moments of deep frustration which are when I come here for advice . . . But 2 and a half years of a close friendship is not something I’m wishing to throw away on a whim so I seek help from you guys. And it does help cos I’m still here . . . .

It's my sex tape.

Interesting. Sex on a cd. . . . .will await with interest