Meltdowns starting/intensifying in late teens?

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fruitloop42
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18 Nov 2017, 8:07 pm

I'm not sure if I have AS - I have traits and posted about this on the forum a few days ago. I'm still trying to work out if I'm on the spectrum I guess and it's occupied my mind a lot in the last few days.

One of my symptoms is meltdowns. I used to think they were panic/anxiety attacks because I didn't know what else to call them, but the panic attack description just didn't seem right. I don't feel like I'm having a heart attack or any kind of medical problem, it feels like more of an emotional thing. I lose all ability to cope or maintain control and I usually end up sobbing hysterically, sometimes screaming and throwing myself around or curling up on the floor. I feel like I can almost see myself doing it, I'm watching myself and judging myself but I can't stop. Since I've been researching AS more I've been reading forum posts and blogs etc about the differences between panic attacks and meltdowns (there are loads of these posts out there) and meltdowns seem to fit as a description much better. All of a sudden things make sense.

The weird thing is, I can't remember having full on, explosive meltdowns as a child. I have never been able to deal with shouting, I always cried a lot whenever anyone shouted, even if it wasn't directed at me. I did once scream at and kick my dad. But I don't feel like I totally lost control that often. I was quite quiet, I think I internalized things. The meltdowns seemed to intensify a lot in my late teens and early 20s and I still get them sometimes. In quite varied situations too - when I'm lost, when I'm stuck in a crowd, during thunderstorms, when I think people are angry with me..... I don't doubt these are meltdowns, they feel awful and if there are other people around to witness them it freaks them out. I've had people thinking I've been attacked or that someone has died in the past (it's hard to then explain to them that nothing really happened, I just lost my train ticket.....).

Did anyone else have meltdowns starting or intensifying later in life?



IgA
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18 Nov 2017, 9:15 pm

My meltdowns have evolved through different stages of my life. Up until about 4 years old I was violent -- biting & hitting were my go-to methods of dealing with any violence against me. I had the whole "I'll get you way worse than you got me so you never try it again" mentality. Had periods of time where I held in my rage, but it came out through night-terrors. I'd be violent in my sleep & sleep walked, acted out dreams. This occurred all the way up until my late teens, but became much less frequent the older I got. I only remember bits of it -- waking up in the middle of a night terror sometimes knowing I've been raging out, but not knowing why.

After a few years of therapy (diagnosed with HFA when I was 19), when I was in my early 20's I found out (at least in theory) what it was all about. The world was forcing me to ignore my sensitivities & I overreacted against any other kind of incidents because I wasn't allowed to take care of myself with issues like bright lights, loud noise, food allergies, intestinal problems, ... etc. I wasn't aware of how much my body was hurting, because I had been forced to ignore it. Then I lose something important, search, can't find something & completely overreact to THAT, because of everything else that was wrong -- the reaction isn't just about the lost item, it is the piling up of unfairness we are put through that breaks that emotional wall we put up. There is a saying about how the dam breaks -- referring to all our emotional turmoil we have to learn how to hold back (some of it we don't even know about until much later in life when we have the words to describe how we feel & experience the world).

Since knowing that, I've learned how to control myself a lot more & even can choose what I let bother me -- although, it still feels a lot like stuffing my feelings in order to be more "appropriate", but having control & knowledge are better than not.



fruitloop42
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18 Nov 2017, 9:42 pm

IgA wrote:
I wasn't aware of how much my body was hurting, because I had been forced to ignore it. Then I lose something important, search, can't find something & completely overreact to THAT, because of everything else that was wrong -- the reaction isn't just about the lost item, it is the piling up of unfairness we are put through that breaks that emotional wall we put up. There is a saying about how the dam breaks -- referring to all our emotional turmoil we have to learn how to hold back (some of it we don't even know about until much later in life when we have the words to describe how we feel & experience the world).

Since knowing that, I've learned how to control myself a lot more & even can choose what I let bother me -- although, it still feels a lot like stuffing my feelings in order to be more "appropriate", but having control & knowledge are better than not.


This makes a lot of sense. I feel like any time I lose control there's been a build up of pressure and it's just taken something little to push it over the edge. Often that thing is so little, nobody can understand why I would be reacting so severely to it.

I mostly cry, wail and scream. Which I guess is more sociably acceptable in a child than in a fully grown adult, so I don't know if that's why it seems like they've been more of a big deal since I got older.



Embla
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19 Nov 2017, 6:32 am

It's the same for me. I remember throwing a tantrum or two, and a lot of crying in school as a child, but nothing that resembles these meltdowns that I have now.
It started building up the first time I changed schools, at age 13. Before that, I used to cry a lot when I couldn't understand or perform a task. I couldn't go one single math class without crying. After the school-change I still got really emotional about the school-work, but now it could also hit me out of nowhere. Suddenly I started feeling weird, and had to run out to a bathroom, where I would be yelling and crying (maybe destroy a trashcan) for a while.
When I started the third school, at 16, it exaggerated again, and now it hit me even in the classes that I really enjoyed, and also in other places out of school. Luckily, I usually managed to get away before acting up in front of others, but at this point the people around me was starting to notice these meltdowns.
And lastly, when I started a fourth school and moved to a new country by myself, at 19, it was out of control. It started happening in public places, and especially in the middle of class. Crying, screaming, shaking and at times even self-harming in front of everyone.
Eventually I was expelled for disturbing the education for the other students. It was very disappointing, but relieving as well. It was just too embarrassing to get in there every day, knowing how my classmates has seen me acting the day before.
This was all before I got diagnosed.
I also thought they were just panic attacks that came out of nowhere, but since I got diagnosed I have discovered that it's in fact meltdowns that are triggered by sound, light and movement.
Figuring out what triggers it has made it a lot easier to handle. Now I never leave home without a charged music player and a pair of sunglasses, and they help me a lot.
I still get meltdowns (relating strongly to the lost train ticket) but not at all as frequent, and it's easier for me to stop it once I feel it coming up, because I'm better at identifying what I need and how I feel.



EzraS
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19 Nov 2017, 6:38 am

Mine have become less frequent in my late teens.



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19 Nov 2017, 11:12 am

What an interesting question. I didn't reply sooner because I've been racking my brains trying to find an answer, and realised that I just don't have any clear memory of "explosive" childhood meltdowns, though I have had them, albeit rarely, as an adult. Equally, I can't be at all sure that I didn't have them as a child.

I do know that I've always had what I would call "shut downs" - nothing "explosive", just running off to find a hiding place, then becoming almost catatonic, rocking and humming to myself. So, I wonder if, as an adult, I'm more often in situations where there is no escape route or hiding place, so I have an explosive melt-down because the situation won't allow for a shut-down.

I think I might ask my Mum about it next time I see her, as my childhood memory is notoriously vague, though I do have some memories that might be circumstantial evidence of having been a bit "explodey" sometimes.

NB: Apologies to anyone who finds the use of the word "explosive" a bit tasteless. I don't mean any offence by it, I just struggled to find another word to contrast the difference between that and what I think of as "shut downs".


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fruitloop42
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19 Nov 2017, 4:57 pm

Thank you for all the answers. It's really interesting and kind of validating to know other people have had their experience of meltdowns change through their life. I was worrying that because I can't really remember the kind of explosive (explosive does seem a good way of describing it for me at least) meltdowns as a child I must have the wrong explanation for what I'm experiencing. Like if it's because of AS I should have been experiencing things in the same way throughout life, if that makes sense. And I'd like to have an explanation for them because I used to really blame myself for reacting in the way I have sometimes.

It makes sense that big life changes might trigger changes in coping. My more explosive meltdowns started when I left home, now I think about it, so I guess that also makes sense. I also have shutdowns, sitting down in silence with my head down helps a lot. And if not by physically escaping from the situation, by zoning out completely and going blank. Makes sense that it would be easier to do that as a child. Full on meltdowns do happen to me when I can't escape from the situation, I think they involve a feeling of being trapped in the place or situation followed by loss of control. I was also just thinking that being an adult involves a lot more responsibility. If I lost a train ticket as a child, for example, my mum would have to sort it out. Wouldn't really impact me all that much. If something like that happens as an adult, I have to work out myself what to do about it, which can become overwhelming.



Embla
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20 Nov 2017, 3:43 am

Yep, explosive seems like a very accurate description.


It took me a long while to realize that big life-changes affected me so drastically. I guess it's the same with that as it was with realizing that it is sound and light that are causing me troubles.
I used to be pretty spontaneous when I was younger. Like how I just moved to another country without knowing where I was going to stay. Or getting the idea that I should go to Spain, flew there the very next day without any money and hiked out in the mountains for a while, for no apparent reason.
I guess it's very similar to your train ticket-reference. I knew in the back of my mind that if things go really bad, I could always call my dad and he'd help me sort it out.
I don't think I'd be able to do something like that now.