Are we unable to intuitively know if we are in love?

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cato4797
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19 Nov 2017, 4:09 pm

Hi. I've posted about this before on this forum. I dated a person over the summer, who had BPD. There were specific problems that lead to stuff ending. These are just some of them though.

Namely, I had a very hard time understanding how I felt about her — don't get me wrong, I cared about her and her own problems, I found her attractive, and I really liked her as a person; we also had a very intense connection. At the same time though, there was the consisten problem of not knowing how I felt romantically. She would tell me intense things about her and her past, or about her know, things that I found shocking and were somewhat disturbing, but which I got over very fast (I had just never run into someone with things like these before, and initially they were overwhelming but not dealbreakers). The hard part was that she would always follow it up with "do you judge me", "do you think less of me" etc. And that would put me into a bit of shock, because I actually wasn't sure — I didn't want to say yes, but, because I was a little shocked in the moment, they kind of hit me hard. And there were other times when she asked me things like "I hope you're not pretending to have feelings with me because you can't get with anyone else," and another time she said a very shocking thing about her and called me a "tourist" because I didn't say anything right away.

The problem was, for me, having to constantly understand how I felt, in specific stressful situations, to reassure her that I actually liked her, was difficult for me. It was like when I'm under pressure to know that I feel that way, its very hard to actually know. There were two occasions were I didn't have that amount of pressure, and the feels were there, often stronger in some ways than any other time before. This is part of the reason why when we tried to get back together, it was very hard, because I was constantly under lots of pressure to understand how I felt, and it was overwhelming; the more that I thought about it, the harder it was to see her in that way, except for when we talked on the phone (because i was away on a trip) it felt amazing...

I've read that a lot of us have a hard time expressing love to others, and it seems that it might relate to the fact that we might not innately understand it as a feeling...So is it normal for us aspies to not innately understand what feelings/love is? Is there therapy/medication that might help with this?



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19 Nov 2017, 10:03 pm

cato4797 wrote:
So is it normal for us aspies to not innately understand what feelings/love is? Is there therapy/medication that might help with this?

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I have never had cooties myself but I can like someone like STNG's Data. :)


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Shakti
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19 Nov 2017, 11:15 pm

The clichéd advice of "When you meet them, you'll just know" is the worst love advice ever. I've made so many bad relationship decisions this way, including with my ex husband. What you will know when you meet someone is if you want to have sex with them or not, but you need at least a few weeks or months to get to know them, to see if the head and the intuition still agree with each other, before jumping in.


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19 Nov 2017, 11:27 pm

Shakti wrote:
The clichéd advice of "When you meet them, you'll just know" is the worst love advice ever. I've made so many bad relationship decisions this way, including with my ex husband. What you will know when you meet someone is if you want to have sex with them or not, but you need at least a few weeks or months to get to know them, to see if the head and the intuition still agree with each other, before jumping in.

That is not what the comic strip means it is not about sex. Calvin is a very awkward lonely kid who has no friends, with a a stuffed tiger as his best friend. Susie is the only NT who even tries to play with him and that only because they live on the same street.
The OP question was about how Aspies experience love and do they even know if they do fall in love. Bill Waterson, the comic strip creator, is quite right that NT brains short circuit when they fall in love. Mine doesn't I make a rational choice to like someone with varying degrees of like.

@cato4797 It has happened that I liked someone more than I initially thought.


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Shakti
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20 Nov 2017, 12:07 am

Clakker wrote:
Shakti wrote:
That is not what the comic strip means it is not about sex. Calvin is a very awkward lonely kid who has no friends, with a a stuffed tiger as his best friend. Susie is the only NT who even tries to play with him and that only because they live on the same street.
The OP question was about how Aspies experience love and do they even know if they do fall in love. Bill Waterson, the comic strip creator, is quite right that NT brains short circuit when they fall in love. Mine doesn't I make a rational choice to like someone with varying degrees of like.

@cato4797 It has happened that I liked someone more than I initially thought.


Obviously, Calvin is way too young to be having sex. But still, the initial headrush is what people mistake for love. It's not, it's lust. And it's very worrying that girls are usually told growing up that if a boy is mean to them that means he likes her. That's damaging, as then girls grow up less able to identify if the guy they are with is going to end up abusing them.


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ZachGoodwin
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20 Nov 2017, 12:28 am

Clakker wrote:
Image

Shakti wrote:
...that if a boy is mean to them that means he likes her. That's damaging, as then girls grow up less able to identify if the guy they are with is going to end up abusing them.


I'm terrible with snarky humor, because well when I use snarky humor I come off as disassociative with reality. I've seen boys in my class and boys who date girls who use snarky humor that they can laugh off at. I've seen some boys that were able to knock some sense into people in reality.

I have also seen some girls try to snap other girls back into reality with a harsh attitude.

I am sorry you had to go through an abusive relationship with a lot of ugly mean frogs that turned out to be ugly mean princes figuratively speaking. I feel that there are a lot of ugly mean frogs that when kissed still are ugly and mean figuratively speaking.



Last edited by ZachGoodwin on 20 Nov 2017, 12:32 am, edited 1 time in total.

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20 Nov 2017, 12:31 am

Shakti wrote:
Clakker wrote:
Shakti wrote:
That is not what the comic strip means it is not about sex. Calvin is a very awkward lonely kid who has no friends, with a a stuffed tiger as his best friend. Susie is the only NT who even tries to play with him and that only because they live on the same street.
The OP question was about how Aspies experience love and do they even know if they do fall in love. Bill Waterson, the comic strip creator, is quite right that NT brains short circuit when they fall in love. Mine doesn't I make a rational choice to like someone with varying degrees of like.

@cato4797 It has happened that I liked someone more than I initially thought.


Obviously, Calvin is way too young to be having sex. But still, the initial headrush is what people mistake for love. It's not, it's lust. And it's very worrying that girls are usually told growing up that if a boy is mean to them that means he likes her. That's damaging, as then girls grow up less able to identify if the guy they are with is going to end up abusing them.

I'm sorry for what you are going through (I have seen your quitting nicotine and mj post, as well). A marriage breakup can throw anyone for a loop, but again, your posts (i.e. gender stereotyping and abuse) is neither about my post nor the OP. I know your hurting but WP has other sections for that.
The question is simply about how Aspies know or can know that they are in love, which is something worth discussing. I would really like to know.


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20 Nov 2017, 12:41 am

And that's what I was trying to answer, when you know you're in love. It's when you know the other person enough to where your head and your heart agree that they are a good match, which is impossible on the first day or even week of knowing them. This is the strategy I'm applying to dating now, and I've weeded out 1 narcissist that way already, so it seems to be working. :)


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20 Nov 2017, 12:53 am

Shakti wrote:
And that's what I was trying to answer, when you know you're in love. It's when you know the other person enough to where your head and your heart agree that they are a good match, which is impossible on the first day or even week of knowing them. This is the strategy I'm applying to dating now, and I've weeded out 1 narcissist that way already, so it seems to be working. :)

mergh :roll: :wall:


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cato4797
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20 Nov 2017, 1:08 am

Clakker wrote:
Shakti wrote:
Clakker wrote:
Shakti wrote:
That is not what the comic strip means it is not about sex. Calvin is a very awkward lonely kid who has no friends, with a a stuffed tiger as his best friend. Susie is the only NT who even tries to play with him and that only because they live on the same street.
The OP question was about how Aspies experience love and do they even know if they do fall in love. Bill Waterson, the comic strip creator, is quite right that NT brains short circuit when they fall in love. Mine doesn't I make a rational choice to like someone with varying degrees of like.

@cato4797 It has happened that I liked someone more than I initially thought.


Obviously, Calvin is way too young to be having sex. But still, the initial headrush is what people mistake for love. It's not, it's lust. And it's very worrying that girls are usually told growing up that if a boy is mean to them that means he likes her. That's damaging, as then girls grow up less able to identify if the guy they are with is going to end up abusing them.

I'm sorry for what you are going through (I have seen your quitting nicotine and mj post, as well). A marriage breakup can throw anyone for a loop, but again, your posts (i.e. gender stereotyping and abuse) is neither about my post nor the OP. I know your hurting but WP has other sections for that.
The question is simply about how Aspies know or can know that they are in love, which is something worth discussing. I would really like to know.



Thank you for trying to get this thread back on track. Really appreciate it. But yea, this is a topic thats really important to me, especially as I continue to read stories about other aspies who end up in terrible relationships, where they/we tend to cause unrequited pain. A lot of it seems to come from a lack of or perceived lack of feelings for the person, which becomes the basis for a pattern of behavior that brings lots of pain. I don't want to be that person who does that.



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20 Nov 2017, 1:16 am

cato4797 wrote:
Clakker wrote:
Shakti wrote:
Clakker wrote:
Shakti wrote:
That is not what the comic strip means it is not about sex. Calvin is a very awkward lonely kid who has no friends, with a a stuffed tiger as his best friend. Susie is the only NT who even tries to play with him and that only because they live on the same street.
The OP question was about how Aspies experience love and do they even know if they do fall in love. Bill Waterson, the comic strip creator, is quite right that NT brains short circuit when they fall in love. Mine doesn't I make a rational choice to like someone with varying degrees of like.

@cato4797 It has happened that I liked someone more than I initially thought.


Obviously, Calvin is way too young to be having sex. But still, the initial headrush is what people mistake for love. It's not, it's lust. And it's very worrying that girls are usually told growing up that if a boy is mean to them that means he likes her. That's damaging, as then girls grow up less able to identify if the guy they are with is going to end up abusing them.
Thank you for trying to get this thread back on track. Really appreciate it. But yea, this is a topic thats really important to me, especially as I continue to read stories about other aspies who end up in terrible relationships, where they/we tend to cause unrequited pain. A lot of it seems to come from a lack of or perceived lack of feelings for the person, which becomes the basis for a pattern of behavior that brings lots of pain. I don't want to be that person who does that.


I was never trying to get it off track in the first place, just sharing my experience and what it taught me. I think the bigger culprit here, for NTs and ASDs alike, is unrealistic expectations when it comes to relationships. If we could all just forget the rules, and connect with people, we would all have much better results.


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ZachGoodwin
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20 Nov 2017, 1:18 am

Clakker wrote:
Shakti wrote:
And that's what I was trying to answer, when you know you're in love. It's when you know the other person enough to where your head and your heart agree that they are a good match, which is impossible on the first day or even week of knowing them. This is the strategy I'm applying to dating now, and I've weeded out 1 narcissist that way already, so it seems to be working. :)

mergh :roll: :wall:


I've been frustrated with this website too. Sometimes when we try to help people it works. Other times it doesn't. I've been told how I was supposed to help people instead of a response on my own response too. I have been ignored and rejected too, and I have had a very narrow view that made me look ignorant. Recently, I sent a message to someone who I hope didn't take offense to what I said, and like what you are going through, I'm worried at how worried he is when he reads it.



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20 Nov 2017, 1:25 am

ZachGoodwin wrote:
Clakker wrote:
Shakti wrote:
And that's what I was trying to answer, when you know you're in love. It's when you know the other person enough to where your head and your heart agree that they are a good match, which is impossible on the first day or even week of knowing them. This is the strategy I'm applying to dating now, and I've weeded out 1 narcissist that way already, so it seems to be working. :)

mergh :roll: :wall:


I've been frustrated with this website too. Sometimes when we try to help people it works. Other times it doesn't. I've been told how I was supposed to help people instead of a response on my own response too. I have been ignored and rejected too, and I have had a very narrow view that made me look ignorant. Recently, I sent a message to someone who I hope didn't take offense to what I said, and like what you are going through, I'm worried at how worried he is when he reads it.


It's the dark side of just about any online community. Things get taken out of context all of the time. I was just sharing my experience to help, and to basically say you can't know intuitively if someone is the one. Most dysfunctional relationships started by people thinking they knew intuitively, and therefore jumping in way too damn quickly.


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cato4797
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20 Nov 2017, 1:43 am

Shakti wrote:
ZachGoodwin wrote:
Clakker wrote:
Shakti wrote:
And that's what I was trying to answer, when you know you're in love. It's when you know the other person enough to where your head and your heart agree that they are a good match, which is impossible on the first day or even week of knowing them. This is the strategy I'm applying to dating now, and I've weeded out 1 narcissist that way already, so it seems to be working. :)

mergh :roll: :wall:


I've been frustrated with this website too. Sometimes when we try to help people it works. Other times it doesn't. I've been told how I was supposed to help people instead of a response on my own response too. I have been ignored and rejected too, and I have had a very narrow view that made me look ignorant. Recently, I sent a message to someone who I hope didn't take offense to what I said, and like what you are going through, I'm worried at how worried he is when he reads it.


It's the dark side of just about any online community. Things get taken out of context all of the time. I was just sharing my experience to help, and to basically say you can't know intuitively if someone is the one. Most dysfunctional relationships started by people thinking they knew intuitively, and therefore jumping in way too damn quickly.



Let me rephrase this. It wasn't love, it wasn't at that point. It was dating feels, we weren't actually "together" at that point, and she wasn't willing to be for a while, which was part of the problem I had...



cato4797
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20 Nov 2017, 1:47 am

Shakti wrote:
The clichéd advice of "When you meet them, you'll just know" is the worst love advice ever. I've made so many bad relationship decisions this way, including with my ex husband. What you will know when you meet someone is if you want to have sex with them or not, but you need at least a few weeks or months to get to know them, to see if the head and the intuition still agree with each other, before jumping in.


Yes, but under pressure, have you often had a hard time being able to express how you felt, and it was partially due not innately recognizing the feelings. Like, you're capable of having them (I certainly was) but when it came down certain levels of constant pressure to know, its extremely hard for you to be certain that you do?



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20 Nov 2017, 1:51 am

cato4797 wrote:
Let me rephrase this. It wasn't love, it wasn't at that point. It was dating feels, we weren't actually "together" at that point, and she wasn't willing to be for a while, which was part of the problem I had...


Sometimes lack of availability makes someone seem more desirable, that goes for men and women, Aspies and NTs alike. You deserve someone who wants to be with you, without them being pressured, even if that pressure so es from them. Trust me, when you stop needing every relationship to work out, it's so liberating.


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