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Khris1992
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22 Nov 2017, 2:23 am

underwater wrote:
I think this is something all autistic people do. There is a delay. Sometimes we can't process in real time. If we reply immediately, the danger of saying something stupid (read: something that can be misinterpreted) increases radically. Better to wait and think.


Do you think it would help if I assured him there are no wrong responses and that I’m not going to judge him on anything he says? He has nothing to worry about I already like him, now I just want to get to know him better and It would be nice to have more then 3-5 txts between us in a 24-48 hour period of time.



Khris1992
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22 Nov 2017, 2:27 am

Can I stop for just a minute and say thank you to everyone who has been responding and helping me figure all this out. I know I’m not an aspie, but you all have been very kind allowing me to use this forum and helping me figure out what I need to do in order to understand someone whom I care about deeply.



Trogluddite
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22 Nov 2017, 11:38 am

^^ You're welcome. I think it is a good thing for us to see things from the other side too, as so often our relationships can go sour without us getting the kind of feedback which would help us to know what went wrong (I want a 100 page report in triplicate that I can pore over for weeks after an event like that! :roll: )

Quote:
he really seems put off by being the one to take charge when it comes to physicality

Oh boy, do I recognise that! Even purely platonic hugs to say hello and goodbye are a nightmare for me. I've had friends that I never hugged for years because they thought that I didn't want to. But without some kind of quite explicit invitation, I just can't tell if I should or not, even if every other friend has hugged the same person. I also worry that I might inadvertently touch them in some inappropriate or uncomfortable/painful way. I think there might be an element of projecting my own sensory sensitivities onto the other person, rather than it being purely social anxiety. I am so fortunate that I don't live in one of those places where people greet with kisses! 8O

I would just try to reinforce that you appreciate his touch, be explicit about how and where you like to be touched, and spell out under what circumstances it is OK for him to touch you without having to ask you first. It will most likely take him time to get used to that, so you may need to remind him for a while if you detect that he is being reticent.

If he has sensory sensitivities with his sense of touch, this might lead him to react in ways that you don't expect, or to be reluctant to be physical for worry that his unusual reactions will be an embarrassment. If so, remember that these are reflex responses, not necessarily an indication that he doesn't want physical intimacy. These kind of sensitivities can also be very variable over time and dependent on the context, so if touching him a certain way seems to make him uncomfortable, it may still be something that he can get used to, or can cope with if approached in a different way (e.g. greater privacy, advance warning of the touch.)


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Khris1992
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22 Nov 2017, 3:14 pm

Trogluddite you’ve given me a good insight into what he must be thinking and feeling, it never occurred to me that just as I projected my anxieties onto him he might be projecting his sensory sensitivities onto me. I’ll be clear that while I’m not ready for sex yet I do want him to touch me. I’ll let him know grabbing my waist hugging me and quick gentle kisses are ok anytime and that he doesn’t need to ask me for those. I’ll be sure to let him know when I don’t want to be touched too sometimes my anxieties overwhelm me too and the thought of anyone touching me is painful. That’s because of a past trauma where I was raped and beaten and when it flairs up I’ll just tell him why the usual touches that are ok aren’t ok at the moment. It seems like I’m going to have to be more forward than I usually am and explain details I usually keep private so that he doesn’t get the wrong idea. I guess I should make sure he knows that when I don’t want to be touched it’s not that I don’t love him just that I’m reliving a bad moment and when it’s over I’ll need him to hold me and comfort me.

Relationships can be so complex no matter who or what the circumstances.



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22 Nov 2017, 4:19 pm

Hello

May I suggest that whatever needs or wants you have of the relationship, you make them very clear to him in words. If he does something that hurts your feelings, say something early on, don't think that he must know, giving him endless chances will end with you very hurt and upset, and him confused (I always feel really stupid :( )

If you are quite emotional around him, also, he may find this overwhelming. I don't mean don't be, because that's you, I mean don't be hurt if he doesn't react the way you expect someone who cares for you should act.

If this relationship works, and we all hope it does, the biggest problem is likely to be that you feel hurt by his not showing feelings in the expected manner, this is him, not a reflection of the level of those feelings, but it can be hurtful to NT's. Keeping up other friendships is probably the best way to help you in this, he may well need to spend time on his own anyway.

One text per day would be me, sent at a regular time, communication is just not something I can do casually unless there are very clear boundaries such as with customers at work.



Khris1992
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22 Nov 2017, 6:54 pm

Fluffysaurus you’ve given me something to think about, because I’ve been trying to not show emotions in order for him to see me from his perspective. It’s odd, but I think I really do understand him. I’m not sure if this is what an aspie feels and I know I’m not an aspie, but I have a state of mind I just refer to it as my headspace and I shutdown I’m not sad or anything I’m just completely numb like emotions don’t phase me and when I’m in this headspace I don’t want to be touched by anyone it bothers me and send chills down my spine. Lights and noises bother me to the point that I’ll leave a room or area and go find a quiet space. I usually put on noise dampening headphones so people think I’m listening to music and don’t bother me and then I become extremely focused on a game I love (World of Warcraft) I’ve gone up to 20 hours or more playing with nothing bothering me not hunger or a need to pee or anything I am just able to focus on the lore of my character who is a night elf shadow priest and become my character. I’ve gone a month or more in this particular headspace and when I’m feeling like this even basic social interactions seem difficult to me my brain can formulate the words, but I can’t bring myself to say them. It feels like a completely separate person owning my body like watching through the eyes, but not being able to respond or act as I usually do. If that is how he feels everyday then of course I want to do what I can to make him more at ease. The anxiety of people around is not something I want him to have to feel around me, it sucks.

Sorry to go on that tangent it just seems like some of the things you all describe fit my headspace and it’s like I understand it from a level that relates to me.

Yes I’m going to ask him in person when I see him Friday if he’d prefer a more time structured txting schedule and try to work out a plan that makes him feel comfortable while at the same time making me feel like I matter too.



Khris1992
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25 Nov 2017, 4:00 pm

So I have great news. Although he forgot about Friday and when I reminded him he hadn’t prepared mentally to hang out. He did call me and we talked for almost 3 hours straight. He told me he really liked talking and he’s glad we did it and I told him all the things you all told me to. Just being completely honest with him about my feelings. He told me he’s going to work on replying to my txts every day which I know is a big step for him and also tell me that he does care about me because he’s going to try to break out of his own comfort zones for me. One thing I notice when talking to him, when he gets anxious he says “what is it” before every sentence and so I’m able to move the conversation into a different direction. I did see some of those OCD tendencies too like he was explaining why he couldn’t hang out with me in his mind he has certain clothes he won’t go out to someone’s house if he isn’t wearing and before he wears them he needs to feel clean I’m assuming it’s more than just a shower and he won’t put his phone in any pocket except those cause I said I didn’t care he could just wear pjs. But he can’t put his phone in his pj pockets and if he doesn’t have his phone his mom may call and it would make him nervous and he can’t hold his phone all night in his hand. Lol he got really focused on reading junk emails he read them to me for like 30-45 minutes straight so I can see the anxious hyper focus. His thing is computers so I’m actually enthusiastic about computers myself and I’m glad that’s his area of focus cause we’ll get along fine and I’ll never be bored. Thanks again everyone for your advice.



underwater
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25 Nov 2017, 4:09 pm

Khris1992 wrote:
underwater wrote:
I think this is something all autistic people do. There is a delay. Sometimes we can't process in real time. If we reply immediately, the danger of saying something stupid (read: something that can be misinterpreted) increases radically. Better to wait and think.


Do you think it would help if I assured him there are no wrong responses and that I’m not going to judge him on anything he says? He has nothing to worry about I already like him, now I just want to get to know him better and It would be nice to have more then 3-5 txts between us in a 24-48 hour period of time.



Cheers on the great results! Really happy to hear you guys are managing to talk to each other!

Just wanted to reply to this post - I read it right after you posted it, then life happened, followed by massive anxiety, which is surely familiar to your friend. I got a bit sidetracked.

Just let him think about things. Sometimes autistic people don't know what they feel, and if you pressure us we might get upset or just make up some random stuff. It's not because of thinking something we don't dare say, it's because of not knowing how we feel. A lot of people have trouble imagining that.

Btw, you guys seem to be doing great!

Best wishes :heart:


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Trogluddite
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25 Nov 2017, 4:35 pm

Glad to hear it's going well!

Underwater makes a good point about us sometimes not knowing what we feel. You might want to look up the term "alexithymia" which is used by psychologists to describe traits relating to a difficulty with reflecting on one's own emotional state. Though not specifically autism related, alexithymia does seem to be more prevalent in autistic people than in the general population. A search of the forum will lead you to a few existing threads about the subject.


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underwater
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25 Nov 2017, 5:02 pm

Trogluddite wrote:
Glad to hear it's going well!

Underwater makes a good point about us sometimes not knowing what we feel. You might want to look up the term "alexithymia" which is used by psychologists to describe traits relating to a difficulty with reflecting on one's own emotional state. Though not specifically autism related, alexithymia does seem to be more prevalent in autistic people than in the general population. A search of the forum will lead you to a few existing threads about the subject.


Aww, thanks!

The prevalence of alexithymia in the autistic population seems to be around 50%, so it's a toss-up whether he's got it or not. But the communication delay seems to suggest it.

I got it in spades.


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Khris1992
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25 Nov 2017, 5:21 pm

Thank you underwater and trogluddite for your responses. I will definitely dive into the other sections of this forum and learn what I can. I will say as you all mentioned informing him about me posting in the forum so he doesn’t feel hurt if he found out, he actually took it amazingly well and he told me that no one he’s dated has tried to learn about him and understand him like that. He sounded happy I think. He did keep saying that he was enjoying talking to me, although he doesn’t consider us boyfriends yet. He sees a relationship as a very serious step and wants to make sure. I think from the context of the things he was telling me about the people he has dated that he’s worried I’ll get tired of him in a few weeks and I guess he wants to make sure that I have the patience to stick around. I’m actually more enthusiastic about this relationship than any NT relationship I’ve been in. Everything about him fascinates me and is exciting because it’s all completely new to me and I have no basis to go off of to taint my mind like with NT’s who I’m trying to figure out what does this guy want from me or is he lying or does he have alterior motives and instead I know with my aspie that he says exactly what he feels and has no reason to lie to me or use me in any way. So I’m enthusiastic about seeing what happens in the future.