Reasons I want to die (There's lots, trigger warning)

Post Reply New Topic

1. My son (at the time 2, now almost 4) was stolen from me a year and a half ago, and I have been fighting an uphill legal battle to get him back, and am still only allowed to see him for 2 hours every 2 weeks, supervised. I never even hit him. I was molested and beaten growing up, I tried to call child services, but they didn't believe me, they figured since I'm autistic I must be making it up, and left me there. Therefore, in the eyes of the law, I am worse than a pedophile, and probably a whore who asked to spend my entire childhood with my father's hands on my tits.
2. Last spring, my son came to me with an 8 am cut on the back of his head, that obviously wasn't an accident. When I questioned my ex and child services (Jeugdzorg in NL) about this, he threatened me, then my son and I didn't see each other for 3 months. The 2nd time I tried to get help from the law, from the police, they arrested me. The f*****g law, of supposedly the world's most progressive country, isn't taking me seriously and protecting my son. If this is the most progressive country in the world, the world is f****d.
3. My business wouldn't be €10,000 in debt if my ex wasn't exploiting this to pay me only €300 alimony a month. He can legally get away with this too, because I'm not Dutch, and I have to wait on a visa that's taking me forever until we can legally separate. And because I'm not Dutch (I'm American, maar Nederlands is helemaal geen moeilijk taal!), people love their stereotypes, such as the idea that no foreigners who speak Dutch exist, that the only jobs I would be able to get would be menial things like cleaning, aka my nightmare job. My current job, teaching yoga, is my dream job. And if my studio tanks, I won't be able to go back to my country without abandoning my son here, which obviously I can't do. Which begs the question of why am I considering suicide, well, I have an entire government organization trying to make sure I never see my son again. If I never see him again, and I don't have my business, I have nothing to live for.
4. Speaking of which, I have lost students because of the custody battle, not having meltdowns while your child is being tortured and even the law is typing your hands behind your back preventing you from doing anything is impossible for an NT person, let alone as ASD one. Same with friends. It's so f****d up that I have more men who have raped me than I have fingers to count them on, yet I am punished more every day for it by being rejected by people and left on my own, where more people can attack me (because obviously I'm a whore who deserves it), but I must suffer in silence, or I'm an outcast. I am not safe as long as this is the attitude of people. People like me need support around, not to be told I'm strong and then expected to carry an emotional load that's more than 5 times as heavy as what even an NT can carry.
5. I can't get help for the ASD unless it's off the record, as according to the people who I talked to, having an official diagnosis would reduce my chances of ever getting custody even more. Especially because my son has been diagnosed as autistic.
6. The first contact person with Jeugdzorg/child services that I had, a middle aged creepy man, touched my breasts to stop me from waving to my son at the end of a visit a year ago. When I went to his boss about this and a meeting was called, his face turned bright red and he stormed off, clearly he was guilty. But still, they let him participate on the team meetings where they make decisions about my son and I. Because this f*****g pervert wants to keep his job, and therefore access to women and possibly children to abuse, he would rather make me look crazy and make sure I never see my son again.
7. My ex's father tried to assault me, and this was the reason my ex wanted a divorce. If I was in my own country, and didn't have a startup business that wasn't yet profitable, I would have just given my ex what he wanted, and taken my son with me. And get this, my son now lives with my ex's parents. Every time I see my son, only my ex's father brings him, never his mother. Someone who assaulted me, who the law doesn't think needs to be supervised around my son, while I apparently do need to be supervised. Oh, and the 8 cm cut on my son's head happened when he was around only his grandfather. But I'm more dangerous than he is. Child services might have taken this more seriously if my ex's mother didn't flat out lie and tell them he DID NOT try to assault me, and that I was making it up. Seriously, they need supervised visits, NOT me.
8. People here will not help me unless I'm completely unemotional about how I ask for help, and in this situation, staying calm while having been set on fire would have been easier, the pain is unbearable.
9. Throughout my whole goddamn joke of a life, whenever I ask for help, I am blown off as asking for attention, and left to rot. Which gives people a free pass to abuse me, which they are allowed to do all they want, but f**k me if I react.
10. I've heard like a broken record since I was a child "It will all be ok". Yup, for most people, but at age 35, my life is worse than it was growing up with an alcoholic pedophile, which I didn't think was possible. If it's supposed to be ok now, but it's a miserable f*****g failure, I want out of this life.

I'm sure there's more things, I'll add them in the replies as I think of them. I f*****g hate my sick joke of a life.

Somehow, I need to get my studio out of debt, quickly. We were sitting on a goldmine and growing very quickly, then the last year and a half has destroyed my business. I need to get full custody, as with my ex there are way too many red flags. Going back to the US with my son isn't appealing, as the family I have there who is willing to talk to me is very minimal, and we have Trump along with Betsy Vos running the Department of Education, and I would kind of like my son to grow up willing and able to use his brain, and as someone who can coexist with women and with people of different backgrounds. I can get EU citizenship though, and my son is already Dutch, so moving to Spain with my son as soon as the studio I have is profitable, and opening up our retreat center and living there, is a very appealing option. Plus, he's far away enough from his father where his father can't be toxic to him, but close enough to where they aren't strangers.

And I'm 35, and would love to have at least 1 more child if not 2, and this time with an authentic and lasting relationship with whoever their father is. I always felt like I was meant to have 3 children. I know I'm amazing as a mother, though most NTs think I'm not strict enough. I have boundaries, I just have respect for my son when it comes to how I enforce them, and know how to approach this in such a way that he rarely had meltdowns around me. My ex on the other hand believes in being strict and doesn't give a f**k if my son has a meltdown. And if my ex treats my son the same way he did me, and my son is on the spectrum, my son's childhood stands to be just as bad as mine, unless I can get primary or full custody.

But this seems less and less likely as the days go on, and I'm rapidly losing hope. I keep going to sleep every night hoping I never wake up. And to be honest, there's only 2 things stopping me from killing myself right this second:

1. The chances of me ever being an active part of my son's life are less than 1%, but they aren't 0%, yet.
2. When I have tried to kill myself (last time was 9 years ago, so pre-motherhood), the experience of being hospitalised was so traumatic that I didn't want to kill myself again, not because I felt good on the inside, actually I felt worse. More that experiences there between being put in isolation for self-harming because I'm a vegetarian and wouldn't eat the meat that came with dinner, to having staff members touch me inappropriately then get away with this because I'm "crazy", scared me away from killing myself, as the idea of ending up in that again scares me much more than death does. It's not healthy to stay alive only because you are afraid.

How do I get out of this situation??????? And please me honest with me if there is no hope.

11. I fell down the stairs yesterday, and bruised my tailbone badly. It's excruciatingly painful. And I keep getting flashbacks of my father beating me with a cutting board growing up, thanks to where the injury is. Probably God's way of reminding me all I was to my father was someone to spank to get his cock hard so he could jerk off. I get it, my only purpose in this world is to let whatever man wants to f**k me f**k me.

You don't deserve that hell and injustice. And neither does your son.

Have you contacted organizations serving abuse survivors or agencies that advocate for people with disabilities? What did they say?

I did actually contact Slachtofferhulp, which is an organization for women in abusive marriages, but they were no help because I wasn't actually hit (not by my ex anyway, but his father yes). Or maybe because I tried to tell my whole story in Dutch, and my chance of a meltdown mid-conversation is at least 2-3 times as high if I try and tell it in Dutch. It's so weird too, people here will practically jump down your throat to speak English with you as soon as they hear an accent, but when you really need it, they won't use English with you. I've also contacted Kinderombudsman (here's a page in English about what they do: http://www.dekinderombudsman.nl/241/english/ ), they were no help either.

But in any case, as long as a man who thinks my tits are his to do with as he damn well pleases is still one of the primary decision makers in our case, then I'll never get my son back. Seriously, I'm f*****g sick of it. More men have groped me in my lifetime than I have fingers and toes to count them on, and they have never been punished, while I've been punished severely. That's more traumatic than rapes I've been through, the invalidation and people telling me to take responsibility.

12. God keeps reminding me what a whore I am. The chain on my bike broke on the way to the doctor just now. I keep itching between the legs when stressed, God wants to punish me. And people use the word "Hoor" a lot in Dutch, especially when talking to me, to remind me I'm nothing but a dirty little whore.

Wow, you have been through a lot. You are a really nice person. Your ex has taken advantage of your kindness and he is an as*hole of the worst kind. It wasn't fair at all what happened in your childhood either, no one deserves that.

I can't imagine being in your position, it must be a nightmare.

Try to visualise where you could be in a year or two. It is heartbreaking to know your son is with deceitful people but you know that the best way to get him back is being successful. Believe you will get him back. I'm rooting for you.

The creep caseworker might find his fortunes turning for the worse in the next future. Since Weinstein there is a momentum for change with how sex assaults are responded to. His employers might see him as a liability at some point. It pisses me off that bad people hold power in so many organisations. I really hope you can outwit them.

The scary thing is if I try to visualize my life a year or 2, I see myself scrubbing toilets and still not even having my son with me, but staying here anyway holding out hope and enjoying what little time we do have as much as possible. Where what I want my life to be like in a year or 2 is having a successful business, being financially independent of my ex, and being in my son's life with zero restrictions. That seems less and less likely, the more meltdowns I have because of being stuck in this abuse. I recently learned what reactive abuse is, and gaslighting, which explains a lot, but still, it seems like the only way to fix my life is strength in numbers, this is not something 1 person can do by themselves. Most people assume I'm guilty as charged.

The Weinstein thing does give me hope, but still, my word against his. When I tried to tell my ex about what creepy caseworker did, he accused me of lying.

I have a hearing for the custody issue Thursday, which I have every 6 months, and wonder every time what's the point, the judges always side with child services anyway, especially because child services stands to make more money the longer they keep my son trapped in that system. The easiest way to keep him in the system is to make sure he's mentally damaged, and the quickest way to mentally damage him is to take him away from me and place him with people who are very likely abusing him.

The only way I can think of to get my son and I out of this is that the more people who believe me, the more the shroud of secrecy that allows them to get away with this won't be effective anymore. Most people don't believe me, and would rather turn their backs on me. Which is exactly how my father got away with abusing me too.

OK, the plot thickens, my tailbone is fractured. I fell down the stairs at work last night while lighting a candle, I just got x-rayed. Total disaster when you work in fitness and you're in debt already.

I wish you a speedy recovery. As for getting help from the advocates, I hope you have the strength to keep reaching out. You've been knocked down so many times but you get back up. I admire that. You also express yourself well through writing so that if I were the advocate, I'd want to help.

Thanks! Problem is I can express everything a lot easier written and in English than verbally and in Dutch, which is how I've had to fight this so far. I have tried to reason with them, but the majority of people who run this are very highly uneducated, and thrust into a position of power that they are enjoying using way too much. I just don't have the energy to get up any more times. I'm 35 years old, and this keeps getting worse and worse, I'm terrified of what old age is going to be like at this rate, and especially if they succeed in erasing my son from my life, and especially if I'm still not financially independent.

Wow I have been sexualy assulted and it gave me mental problems. But not as badly as you. I hope you can find a way to make your life better. People are praying for you here.

Definitely hoping and praying for the best for you, Shakti!
For your good health and healing,
and so that you will gain custody of your son.

Well, to update, how smoothly the next few months go is going to depend on 2 things:

1. How this hearing over the custody battle goes on Thursday. I'm not optimistic, they keep asking for the time away from me to be extended every 6 months, and the judges basically work for Jeugdzorg.
2. Thanks to me hitting bottom, literally (ok, bad joke, aka tailbone fracture), I might be able to get welfare money for the entire amount of time I can't work due to my injury, and the doctor said too the stress I've been under alone qualifies as a reason to get this money. Which isn't much, but would be enough to pay others to teach the 7 classes a week I currently teach, giving a mental break to get the studio and everything else in my life back in order.

I hope that prayers or anything else actually work. I always said my worst nightmare would be if I found out my children's father was abusing them, and sadly that has come true. Abusing as in turning a blind eye to his father's violent streak, and actively trying to cut his child's mother out if his life. I think ultimately my ex was driven by jealousy, he did often comment that our son has my personality, like it's a bad thing.

And as for my ex's parents, they're obviously driven by fear I'm going to take their grandson out of the country. And hatred of the fact that I'm vegan and raising my son vegan, there's a lot of dairy and pig farmers in their family. My ex's brother lives in Paris, with his wife who is from China, and their son. Their marriage really wasn't good at all, therefore my ex's mother was always afraid of her taking their son back to China and her never seeing him again. This is the same grandson by the way who my ex's father hit in front of me while I was pregnant, and both my ex and his mother turned a blind eye to it, my ex's mother even said recently when I brought that incident up in a recent fight that it was OK that he hit him, because he didn't speak Dutch, and he had to teach him somehow it wasn't OK to play in the curtains. Driven by love for him, obviously.

So, when my ex told his mother about me for the first time, she admitted she didn't sleep at all for a few days after, because she was afraid of me taking my ex back to the US, us raising our kids there, and her having all of her grandchildren live outside of Holland. I had to remind her over and over that our plan was to stay in Holland in order to get her to like me.

In hindsight, my ex and his parents are so narcissistic it's insane, and his brother probably had the right idea fleeing to Paris. My son's life with them vs his life with me would look very different. And now I screen for narcissism way in advance before I get into another relationship.

You have my most heartfelt sympathies. You've been through far more than anyone can bear.

However, I don't believe for a moment that the Netherlands is the most progressive country on Earth. The world's most progressive country wouldn't have Zwarte Piet. It sounds like the Dutch love their stereotypes and they're stereotyping you. The Netherlands has a very long way to go before it can be considered the world's most progressive country.

It begs the question, are there any countries that are truly progressive? I thought Denmark was too, but I've heard from Danish people I know that in a lot of ways there too seems less progressive from the inside than it does from the outside. I think whatever country you go to, the nicer someone is, the less likely they are to be in a position of power.

But yeah, the Zwarte Piet issue leaves a lot to be desired. I remember having that discussion with my ex's mother, to which she said "Think of the children!", to which I said "Only the white ones?" She didn't like me so much after that. My ex also didn't see eye to eye with me on it. Anytime I'm on a date with a Dutch person from now on, one of the most important questions I'm asking is what their opinion is on Zwarte Piet.

And we lost the hearing today. I have no more faith in humanity. This world sucks.