How do you know if you want to be in a romantic relationship

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Rebecca12345
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23 Nov 2017, 6:14 pm

I was diagnosed as being on the spectrum a few years ago when I was in my late 20s, I am now 32.

One thing I have always had difficulty with is romantic relationships. I don't know if I want one, or not. The few times someone has asked me out, and I have gone, I get incredibly anxious about the whole thing, but especially when it comes to physical touch (hugging, kissing, anything more than that). I was unexpectedly kissed once, and it felt gross to me. I had never been kissed before or since. I did let someone who I was going on dates with hug me once, but it always felt uncomfortable. I've never had a crush on anyone. I've never really "liked" someone.

Yet, I want to know what it feels like to be in a romantic/sexual relationship. But, because of my anxiety with being touched and anxiety around people (who I may not be reading correctly, or who may not be reading me correctly), I fear that I'll never be in a real relationship.

I want to be in a relationship, yet I don't know if I want to be in a relationship. I'm stuck in this "do I want to"/"do I not want to" place.

How do you know if you actually want to be in a romantic relationship, or if you're just yearning to do want neurotypicals normally do? And I know there are plenty of Autistic people who are in romantic relationships, too. But I don't know how to figure out if I want to be in a relationship, or if I just want to be "normal" (I know that's a bad loaded term, but I don't know how else to say it.)

Has anyone been in this questioning place, and fallen to one side or the other? How did you know you wanted to be in a relationship? How did you know you didn't want to be in a relationship?

I'm sorry for the rambling questions. I'm just very confused and frustrated with myself for not being able to tell what I actually want.



BTDT
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23 Nov 2017, 9:21 pm

It may be that your ideal partner is someone on the Spectrum, as it does seem that most people on the Spectrum prefer that the physical aspects of a relationship progress much slower than normal couples.



Kiriae
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24 Nov 2017, 5:01 pm

You won't know till you try it but the trick is to try it on your own pace - you almost definitely won't like it if it is forced or rushed by someone else, unless it's "the right" person.

For me:
I am OK with touches ever since a male friend repeatably touched me during our pack meetings. At first I was aggressive every time he did it but after a few months I become OK with it.
I am still afraid of romantic relationships although I was in love once - with another girl, I confessed, she friendzoned me. It took me 2 years to realize I am in love. But I was definitely planning out future together way before I realised that. I kept imagining of her getting pregnant with a guy, coming to me for help and me getting a job to provider for her and become the childs foster "father". It's funny what kind of ideas you get when you are in love.
When I was in love with the girl I hugged her a lot - and other friends too, for it not to seem weird - so I am totally fine with hugs now, as long as the other person doesn't smell or holds me too tight. I also learned it feels awesome to be hugged by the person you love. It's really something else compared to other hugs.
After I got friendzoned I got in a long range relationship with a guy as a replacement and I got comfortable with the idea of being with a guy instead of a girl. We never had a chance to try it out in reality but cybersex felt nice.
After breaking up with the guy I tried dating some other guy, I met by dating website. He asked me if I want to kiss him and I was terrified by the idea and how it might feel like (disgusting) so I said "No". After a few more dates I friendzoned him.
Sometime later I got interested in yaoi and become a fujoshi that increased my interest in kissing and sex. I was curious what is so magical in kisses and i wanted to try it out.
Few years in our friendship the guy I friendzoned asked me if he can kiss me. I said "Yes" due to the curiousity. It didn't feel nice. I don't have a brother but in my mind I compared it to kissing a brother. It wasn't very disqusting but didn't feel nice either and I had to control my thoughts so I don't think about the bacteria exchange. I also pushed him away when he tried frenching. It was uncomfortable.
It was awkward for next 2 weeks - he wanted to move forward and I was afraid of seeing him because I knew he wants to try more. Eventually I told him he can visit me but we move forward only if the mood is right.
And somehow we are fwbs now. I am using him to learn what I like and don't like while being disgusted by his precum, sperm and saliva (he already learned it is a major turn off for me so he avoids dirtying me with them). And I have to say there is a lot of body contact I like. Massage, body kissing, fingering - to name a few. We still didn't have a full intercourse but I am ok with that idea as long as he wears a condom so there is no body fluids exchange and as long as I am not ovulating so there is no pregnancy risk in case the condom fails.
And I believe I will be OK with sex without a condom if I met a guy I will be ready to bear a child to. But I still need a lot of growing - or met someone I fall head over heels for, like I did with the girl. I probably wouldn't mind being a mother and wife if I was in love with a guy. It never happened before but I can't be sure it won't happen. I didn't plan on falling in love with the girl back then either. It just happened.


It took me about 10 years to get from a person that becomes physically aggressive when a friend playfully touches her to one thats fine with having a casual sex with a friend. So I can probably grow up even more, given enough time and experiences.
You are older than me and less experienced but the same is probably true for you. You are a girl so all you really need to do is being open to go with the flow if a guy likes you. Everything else is time and experiences.



Rebecca12345
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24 Nov 2017, 8:04 pm

BTDT wrote:
It may be that your ideal partner is someone on the Spectrum, as it does seem that most people on the Spectrum prefer that the physical aspects of a relationship progress much slower than normal couples.


That is a good thought. I don't know anyone who I know is also on the spectrum (though maybe they just don't talk about like I don't talk about it except with close friends.) I'm trying to join Meetup Groups to meet other people who are on the spectrum, but I haven't found any groups that are organized enough to actually have meetups. I'll keep looking though. Thanks.



SabbraCadabra
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25 Nov 2017, 7:06 am

Rebecca12345 wrote:
The few times someone has asked me out, and I have gone, I get incredibly anxious about the whole thing, but especially when it comes to physical touch (hugging, kissing, anything more than that).

Ugh, yeah, dates are the worst. I don't know how you're supposed to make a good impression on someone when you're too busy being super nervous and stumbling over every word.

I prefer to just be friends until I'm more comfortable with the person, and have a firmer idea of where things are headed, rather than the stereotypical "taking a stranger out for fine dining, or coffee, or dancing". It also probably doesn't help that I'm demisexual.

Once I'm emotionally comfortable with someone, becoming physically comfortable with them is usually not a big deal. I know hugs from people I'm not attached to can be a bit awkward.


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