Meltdown Research

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Most recent meltdown: husband is having same stomach pain again that he has every once in awhile that goes undiagnosed all the time. I eventually have enough and just randomly wake up and cry and accuse him of faking the whole thing. He eventually had to go to the hospital. But I get real emotionally drained by this and eventually there is no turning back. Many docs and therapists have tried to say I can stop these attacks by distraction but it never works. It gets to the point where I can distract myself for awhile by looking at my bird apps but that doesn't work when I'm on the verge of breaking down.

I've likened a meltdown to a "negative orgasm" the analogy being that once it starts it reaches a point of no return. A couple of times when I knew I couldn't scream like one time around some kids I just"imploded" aka "shutdown" where I literally went mute.

It sounds silly but I'm not 100% what you would say constitutes a meltdown so I'll just go with one thing that sticks in my mind and that I knew wasn't right.

So what caused it? A combination of lack of sleep, stress, frustration and obsessing over my special interests. It was building up over weeks. Obsessing about work rotas and how/when I was going to stick to my routines and special interests which are kind of one in the same thing. That's what caused my stress and lack of sleep. Then on my days off I sat on my bed with a notepad and paper working out various shift patterns that might allow me to stick
To my routines and maintain my interests so that I could somehow show it to my boss and plead with her to let me follow that shift pattern. I knew she was working on an eight week Rota for me and it was causing me great anxiety.

Anyway, one min it was like 10:00. Next thing I knew it was 19:30 and I was stillsat on my bed with this notepad and pen and lord knows how many screwed up pieces of paper all over the bedroom floor. I hadn't realised I wasted my only
Day off obsessing like this. And I was frustrated I still couldn't fit it all in and get it to work. My next day off the same thing happened. It got to 15:00 on the second or third day off of me doing this when I realised I'd exhausted all possibilities and connotations of shift patterns etc and I literally just didn't know what to do. I started crying. I didn't know why but I couldn't stop. I wanted to pull all my hair out. I didn't but the feeling was so strong and I just wanted to physically smash my head into the wall. I didn't, I ran myself a bath and just sat in it rocking and crying and just couldn't stop. I knew something was wrong just the fact routine and work rotas was losing me so much sleep, forcing me to sit in my room planning and scheming on my days off and generally causing me so much distress. So my "meltdown" was the final straw. I was really worried for myself and that I might hurt myself or do something stupid so I rang the gp and they saw me that afternoon. This was a few years ago before I knew I had ASD. She said she thought I was suffering from anxiety and OCD. Possibly a little depression too but she wasn't sure about that. So that was my meltdown.

I've prob had others but not as bad as that. I will either have an emotional outburst. That's usually due to there being too much noise and feeling trapped etc. Or I will randomly cry and burst into tears and then that's me done for the day. I just can't stop. Sometimes there's a reason. Others there isn't. I can't explain but it's like a panicky feeling or something takes over me and I literally just don't know what to do. I can't settle or rest or concentrate on anything big or small. All I can do is cry. Or I'll sleep to try and stop/calm myself. I don't know really.

A time I had a meltdown: I had just run a race and after the race everyone funneled into this kind of 'holding pen' where there were drinks and food etc. I was trying to find my way out, it was very crowded and for some reason I ended up going round and round in circles. Something flipped and I ended up quite violently bashing my way through the crowd, sobbing very loudly until I was pretty much pushed out and evicted by people who didn't like having this crazy person flailing around and smacking into people. Thank goodness nobody I knew saw me, and I never had to tell anyone or explain myself. It's worse when people I know see me and I have to explain things, because I never really can.

A time I didn't have a meltdown: Also when I had just run a race. I was at the end and this time there was no crowd. I just sat on the ground and I'm not sure what I was doing, but at some point a guy walked up to me and said "are you ok? You're starting to scare me." Not sure what I was doing - maybe rocking and trying not to cry? But evidently it looked weird. I think the fact there was no crowd and I could sit down by myself helped me to calm down rather than spill over. Finishing races is quite overwhelming sometimes, for some reason.

Just an example where the same situation either caused or didn't cause a meltdown. They definitely get worse when other situations in my life are causing stress. When there's something work-wise that's stressful, when there's a big transition ahead and the future is uncertain. I had a very traumatic relationship and then I was having meltdowns all the time - very little was needed to push me over the edge. Now life is calmer I don't have them so much.

Also - after a meltdown I don't always have a clear recollection of what I was doing. It's kind of like a hazy, patchy memory of a dream.

I'm kind of borderline on the spectrum, sitting on the boundary fence you might say, and not sure whether I have real meltdowns, as such. But I do find I can go from feeling OK to extremely upset or frustrated in an instant.

At work it tends to be frustration with things not going to plan, like computer issues or being let down by other people, and I feel like I need to scream and I have to go out of the office and walk around the block a few times to calm down.

At home it's mainly when my family are demanding things of me, and especially if they're conflicting demands and all hitting me at once. I get overwhelmed and snap or shout at them and then I have to go out and walk for about an hour.

At least it's keeping me fit

A time when I had a meltdown: It's hard for me to describe a specific occurrence, since there are so many, and I can't remember exactly what symptoms I displayed with a particular one. But they're basically all the same. Someone, such as a family member, teacher or group leader, would make a comment that I find hurtful, such as a generalized comment directed at a group I'm part of. I would start yelling, crying, and hitting myself, or hurting myself in other ways. I would usually end up being taken from the room into a quiet place, where I would cry for a bit once I calmed down. I might be able to go through the day as normal once the crying subsided, but would often feel numb for the rest of the day, as well as headachey from the crying.

A time when I didn't have a meltdown: A little while ago, I got an assignment back with a low grade. I didn't yell or hurt myself, but simply cried for a while. I haven't been having meltdowns lately. I don't know if that's just because I'm not really in social situations anymore, or because I'm really improving my emotional regulation.

Feel free to ask anything else you want to know.

FYI - I posted a new thread with my initial observations and thoughts. I do not regard this as complete at all and may have errors, but I posted it to get feedback. I still need many more meltdown and non-meltdown cases, there are still too many holes.

Here is a link to the thread with my thoughts that you may comment on or just tell me I am flat out wrong.

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