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Turning 30 and still don't have my life together

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Marknis
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14 Dec 2017, 1:38 pm

Fireblossom wrote:
Marknis wrote:
I really hoped this year would be different in regards to finding a girlfriend. Both my siblings have or are about to get married while I couldn't even get a date this year. I feel like I am always going to get told "My boyfriend wouldn't like that.", "I have a husband.", or "I am too busy." because the few girls I've asked out have told me those things.


I just realized this, but the fact that you asked out a taken woman, not to mention a married one must mean that you barely knew them, right? From now on, try to get to know and be friends with those women before you ask them out so you won't be asking women who are already in a relationship (unless you want to hit on those who already have someone, but I highly doubt that's the case.) Might work, or it might not, but at least this should rule out the "I have a husband" reply from the answers they could give to you.


I have gotten conflicting views on asking women out. Some say you have to do it right away or she'll "friendzone" you and will have no romantic interest while others say you have to be friends first or you will scare her away. It's very confusing and further stacks the deck against me.

I honestly don't even know how to make friends with women. Most of the women around me don't share any common interests with me and the few that do for some reason I can't make a connection with no matter what I do or they already have a boyfriend or husband and they generally don't want to hangout because of that. I had an ex-friend who ruled out us ever hanging out again due to having a new boyfriend even though that relationship didn't last long.



MrsPeel
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15 Dec 2017, 5:36 am

A lot of single women have a similar sort of crisis around age 30, but it's the bodyclock issue. They suddenly realise that they're running out of time if they want to have kids, and start worrying about meeting the right man soon enough.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here, except that there are young women out there in a similar sort of crisis to yours.

Not sure why you wouldn't want to get to know a girl before asking her out, though. I'm thinking this is another self-esteem thing, but you have to be careful what you wish for - what if you end up with someone incompatible, because you didn't get to know the person first?



Marknis
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15 Dec 2017, 11:16 am

MrsPeel wrote:
Not sure why you wouldn't want to get to know a girl before asking her out, though. I'm thinking this is another self-esteem thing, but you have to be careful what you wish for - what if you end up with someone incompatible, because you didn't get to know the person first?


As I said before, I've been given conflicting views about how to go about the dating world and I also feel like my time either is running out or it already has and whatever hope I get is false hope. Most of the guys I've known who had relationships seem to get into them without even trying and they would always have another within a day or so after a breakup.

I definitely don't want to be with someone incompatible. Unfortunately, the kind of women I am deemed to be compatible with I don't mesh with at all. They are generally hyper religious, suffer from some sort of debilitating mental condition or have a bizarre personality.



Marknis
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16 Dec 2017, 10:32 am

A co-worker actually told me I have pretty eyes and asked "Why don't girls stare at your eyes all day?" which didn't help my feelings at all. :( Women don't even want to look at me when I am around. They just want me to go away. :cry:



kraftiekortie
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16 Dec 2017, 10:58 am

You don't listen too well. She said you have nice eyes.

You're turning a positive into a negative.

You're not Quasimodo, Man!

Women don't say these sorts of things about my eyes.



MrsPeel
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16 Dec 2017, 4:18 pm

Yeah. Somehow you've got to break out of this negative spiral.
Girls will pick up on how you value yourself, it will leak out in the way you move and speak around them.

I don't know much about this, but I'm wondering if practicing positivity and self-confidence in the way you act and speak could help, even if that's not the way you're feeling inside. What I mean is, it might feel a bit uncomfortable, like you're pretending to be someone you're not, but it might generate more positive reactions in the people around you. And that in turn might improve your self-esteem and help break the cycle of negativity.

There may be some kind of classes that would help, like those life-coaching type things. It might mean dealing with those over-enthusiastic in-your-face NT types, but the idea would be to ignore their advice on how you ought to be feeling (which will almost certainly not be right for you) and just study and learn from their behaviour.

Just my suggestion, anyway.



Marknis
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18 Dec 2017, 10:43 am

MrsPeel wrote:
Yeah. Somehow you've got to break out of this negative spiral.
Girls will pick up on how you value yourself, it will leak out in the way you move and speak around them.

I don't know much about this, but I'm wondering if practicing positivity and self-confidence in the way you act and speak could help, even if that's not the way you're feeling inside. What I mean is, it might feel a bit uncomfortable, like you're pretending to be someone you're not, but it might generate more positive reactions in the people around you. And that in turn might improve your self-esteem and help break the cycle of negativity.

There may be some kind of classes that would help, like those life-coaching type things. It might mean dealing with those over-enthusiastic in-your-face NT types, but the idea would be to ignore their advice on how you ought to be feeling (which will almost certainly not be right for you) and just study and learn from their behaviour.

Just my suggestion, anyway.


The hard thing for me is how can I feel positive and hopeful when I've had so many disappointments and discouraging events happen many times over for the last eleven years of my life?

I've had life coaching but the social world of the Bible Belt is a really sick place. It's mostly based on how much of a drunk redneck or aggressive ghetto thug or fanatical hyper religious moron or general bad boy you can be. Even my step father who calls himself a Christian has no problem being sexist or racist when something prompts him to say those sorts of things. He's also friends with Ted Nugent and another guitarist named Calvin Ross who played an impromptu song for us where he called himself a "bigger b***h" than his ex-wife.