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ASDMommyASDKid
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20 Jan 2018, 2:23 pm

Another thing, I neglected to mention with regard to IEPs, school Behavioral Plans and the like, is that if they have been using an incorrect and different diagnosis they are going to have to look at this from an entirely different way. (You said his original diagnosis was for bipolar, right?)

I don't know that much about bipolar, but I would assume that the strategies are very different. This does not mean that you have to table anything that currently works (assuming it actually does work - vs. the school telling you it does)

Anything that has been ineffective needs to be reexamined. The other thing is that all kids are different so just b/c something is standard operating procedure for them for all kids with autism, does not mean it actually works for all kids with autism. When they are dealing with outliers (ie. kids with different neurology) they will either generally pick strategies that align closest to what they already do and/or what they think covers one standard deviation in either direction for that neurology. If your kid's needs do not align with that, it becomes much harder to discuss with them, b/c they really do not want to deal with outliers of outliers.

It does not hurt to try the low-hanging fruit of legitimate suggestions for kids with autism, but you always have to be willing to tweak and change things that are not effective or are damaging. You likely will require a certain amount of trial and error, though.



Esmerelda Weatherwax
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20 Jan 2018, 3:39 pm

Hi all,

I did a quick search on this thread and didn't find a word I was hoping to see; the word is "apology". There really are times when it's appropriate - an apology to the child, from the parent, for having been unfair. This can be done in a way that doesn't just preserve respect for the parent, but really enhances it...

I found a few decent links from genuine experts, who explain why and how, much better than I could ever manage. The important thing is some of them are dads, speaking from their own lives and hearts. I'll put the links here, hoping they will help: three secular, three faith-based.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pe ... your-child

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sa ... -much-more

http://www.redbookmag.com/life/mom-kids ... -im-sorry/

The above are "secular" - here are some from faith perspectives, two of which are by dads.

https://www.crosswalk.com/family/parent ... ogize.html (This one is by a father.)

https://www.cosdavis.com/power-apology/ (Not just a father here, a grand-dad.)

http://www.chabad.org/blogs/blog_cdo/ai ... ildren.htm


_________________
"I believe you find life such a problem because you think there are the good people and the bad people," said the man. "You're wrong, of course. There are, always and only, the bad people, but some of them are on opposite sides."
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20 Jan 2018, 6:43 pm

I am sinking in the quicksand of this now.

When Andrew had the first psych. eval the tester didn’t use the ADOS test so the school quickly dismissed the diagnosis all together. Since he is in a school for behavioral disorders and since he has been there for so long they won’t consider anything else. So I am going to have a neuropsychological evaluation done, get a lawyer or advocate or both, if they think there is a chance of getting better services and then go to battle with the city again.


ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
Another thing, I neglected to mention with regard to IEPs, school Behavioral Plans and the like, is that if they have been using an incorrect and different diagnosis they are going to have to look at this from an entirely different way. (You said his original diagnosis was for bipolar, right?)

I don't know that much about bipolar, but I would assume that the strategies are very different. This does not mean that you have to table anything that currently works (assuming it actually does work - vs. the school telling you it does)

Anything that has been ineffective needs to be reexamined. The other thing is that all kids are different so just b/c something is standard operating procedure for them for all kids with autism, does not mean it actually works for all kids with autism. When they are dealing with outliers (ie. kids with different neurology) they will either generally pick strategies that align closest to what they already do and/or what they think covers one standard deviation in either direction for that neurology. If your kid's needs do not align with that, it becomes much harder to discuss with them, b/c they really do not want to deal with outliers of outliers.

It does not hurt to try the low-hanging fruit of legitimate suggestions for kids with autism, but you always have to be willing to tweak and change things that are not effective or are damaging. You likely will require a certain amount of trial and error, though.



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20 Jan 2018, 7:49 pm

Typically I have a conversation with him when we are all calm and I apologize then. Sometimes with an explanation but I’m not sure he always gets it when I explain what made me angry, which points to the more important issue of his ability to process and adapt to the expectations I have and my ability to accept him if he isn’t capable of keeping whatever standard I try to impose.

Esmerelda Weatherwax wrote:
Hi all,

I did a quick search on this thread and didn't find a word I was hoping to see; the word is "apology". There really are times when it's appropriate - an apology to the child, from the parent, for having been unfair. This can be done in a way that doesn't just preserve respect for the parent, but really enhances it...

I found a few decent links from genuine experts, who explain why and how, much better than I could ever manage. The important thing is some of them are dads, speaking from their own lives and hearts. I'll put the links here, hoping they will help: three secular, three faith-based.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pe ... your-child

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sa ... -much-more

http://www.redbookmag.com/life/mom-kids ... -im-sorry/

The above are "secular" - here are some from faith perspectives, two of which are by dads.

https://www.crosswalk.com/family/parent ... ogize.html (This one is by a father.)

https://www.cosdavis.com/power-apology/ (Not just a father here, a grand-dad.)

http://www.chabad.org/blogs/blog_cdo/ai ... ildren.htm



AspieSingleDad
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21 Jan 2018, 7:18 pm

debianator wrote:
My son started out diagnosed Bipolar, I recently had him tested and his diagnosis has been changed to Autism.

For necessity I will not do too much introduction now.

I have found, as he is getting older and fairly stable, that I have a huge resentment toward him and now some if not just about all of his temper tantrums are my fault. I am always defensive with him and I zero in on the most insignificant things he says in order to pick a fight.

Tonight, he wanted water for his humidifier, he just started Accutane and it is drying him out, so I said "bring it down here and I will fill it up." He gets downstairs and I immediately mention that he didn't need to bring the entire humidifier down, he just needed to bring the reservoir, to which he responds, "I thought you meant the entire thing."
I overreact to what he said and start on a verbal tangent about him putting words in my mouth. He of course yells at me and walks off upstairs. As usual I follow him and tell him if he flips out I will take all of his electronics.

Our in-home therapist has warned me that the way Autistics perceive and interoperate the world is different. I am way over the line with my responses with him. So I can only assume I am ate up with resentment for the years of a perfect family we never had.

P.S. Sorry my hello world post was out of the gate with both barrels but I needed to get this off my chest and get some healing done so I can be a better dad.


I'm glad you brought up the example of the humidifier. I'm a 40 year old autistic myself, and I could see myself receiving instructions to bring the humidifier downstairs and bringing the entire humidifier. So, when he said, "I thought you meant to entire thing", he wasn't saying, "You idiot, you told me to bring down the entire humidifier, this is YOUR fault!". He's really just saying that he thought he had to bring down the entire humidifier. Don't look for an underlying meaning or message in what he says because he's autistic and he speaks in a straight forward manner. I know this may be hard to understand or accept, but your son means what he says, and he says what he means. He's meat and potatoes, you aren't getting any filet mignon.

When you tell him that he only had to bring down the reservoir and you yell at him, you are not only pointing out his inadequacies in his ability to understand the subtleties of communication, you are doing so in a way that comes across as harsh to him. Besides, raising your voice is going to increase the amount of sensory information he receives, and he already receives excessive sensory information (which is pretty much the entire underlying problem autistics have to begin with).

You should consider counseling with somebody familiar with autism between yourself and your son so that both of you can learn to communicate with each other in a productive and mutually respectful manner.



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26 Jan 2018, 6:58 pm

I think if you are having difficultly controlling your own emotions, a pyschiactric assessment might be needed. I know having an autistic child is hard, but you are an adult. You chose to have a child, and its not fair for you to blame your emotional troubles on them because they weren't born how you wished.

You need to take responsibility for your own emotions, basically. Stop blaming everyone else.



DW_a_mom
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26 Jan 2018, 8:13 pm

I appreciate that you are self aware enough to realize that your reaction was not helpful to the situation. We've all been there. We are human. Just as we do situational autopsies with our children, sometimes it is helpful to do one for ourselves, to better identify where we lost control in the hopes of doing better in the future.

Try not to beat yourself up over it. Do you a have a talk with your son when you are both calm and apologize for being unable in the moment to react in a productive manner. While I do feel parents should apologize to their children when they haven't acted appropriately, I also found with my son that it was good to model self-reflective behavior with him, and the process for trying to improve.

I don't think it is going to be easy to change protocols from assuming your child is bi-polar, to assuming he is ASD. A lot will change in how you talk to and react to him, and that process is going to take time. Allow yourself to have that time. You will learn to speak more precisely so that he will be able to react in the ways you truly want. You will learn what are good times to make a request, and when he needs his space. You will adopt different techniques for handling behavior issues. There will be a lot of trial and error figuring out what works best for your unique child. None of it will happen overnight.

It is also natural that you will cycle through a variety of emotions as you adjust to your new reality. Allow yourself to feel all those emotions, but try to find a way that will not negatively affect your interactions with your son. These emotions are about you, not him. If you need more time for yourself, find it.

I do hope you will be able to figure out a better solution with the school. I, personally, find it counter-productive to treat an ASD child as a behavior problem. They simply process and react differently; I don't like the message that comes with treating it as "bad." These kids can't help that they are different, and often those differences (like stimming) serve an important role in helping them function day to day.


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Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).


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Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
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28 Jan 2018, 9:09 am

I have been working not getting angry at all. I am also working on taking him for what he says and not interpreting it in my head. I have a bad habit of running things through the broken filter in my brain.

Plus I have been a dry drunk for years so going to meetings and working the steps again is helping more than anything.

:lol:


AspieSingleDad wrote:
debianator wrote:
My son started out diagnosed Bipolar, I recently had him tested and his diagnosis has been changed to Autism.

For necessity I will not do too much introduction now.

I have found, as he is getting older and fairly stable, that I have a huge resentment toward him and now some if not just about all of his temper tantrums are my fault. I am always defensive with him and I zero in on the most insignificant things he says in order to pick a fight.

Tonight, he wanted water for his humidifier, he just started Accutane and it is drying him out, so I said "bring it down here and I will fill it up." He gets downstairs and I immediately mention that he didn't need to bring the entire humidifier down, he just needed to bring the reservoir, to which he responds, "I thought you meant the entire thing."
I overreact to what he said and start on a verbal tangent about him putting words in my mouth. He of course yells at me and walks off upstairs. As usual I follow him and tell him if he flips out I will take all of his electronics.

Our in-home therapist has warned me that the way Autistics perceive and interoperate the world is different. I am way over the line with my responses with him. So I can only assume I am ate up with resentment for the years of a perfect family we never had.

P.S. Sorry my hello world post was out of the gate with both barrels but I needed to get this off my chest and get some healing done so I can be a better dad.


I'm glad you brought up the example of the humidifier. I'm a 40 year old autistic myself, and I could see myself receiving instructions to bring the humidifier downstairs and bringing the entire humidifier. So, when he said, "I thought you meant to entire thing", he wasn't saying, "You idiot, you told me to bring down the entire humidifier, this is YOUR fault!". He's really just saying that he thought he had to bring down the entire humidifier. Don't look for an underlying meaning or message in what he says because he's autistic and he speaks in a straight forward manner. I know this may be hard to understand or accept, but your son means what he says, and he says what he means. He's meat and potatoes, you aren't getting any filet mignon.

When you tell him that he only had to bring down the reservoir and you yell at him, you are not only pointing out his inadequacies in his ability to understand the subtleties of communication, you are doing so in a way that comes across as harsh to him. Besides, raising your voice is going to increase the amount of sensory information he receives, and he already receives excessive sensory information (which is pretty much the entire underlying problem autistics have to begin with).

You should consider counseling with somebody familiar with autism between yourself and your son so that both of you can learn to communicate with each other in a productive and mutually respectful manner.



AspieSingleDad
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28 Jan 2018, 11:20 am

debianator wrote:
I have been working not getting angry at all. I am also working on taking him for what he says and not interpreting it in my head. I have a bad habit of running things through the broken filter in my brain.

Plus I have been a dry drunk for years so going to meetings and working the steps again is helping more than anything.

:lol:


AspieSingleDad wrote:
debianator wrote:
My son started out diagnosed Bipolar, I recently had him tested and his diagnosis has been changed to Autism.

For necessity I will not do too much introduction now.

I have found, as he is getting older and fairly stable, that I have a huge resentment toward him and now some if not just about all of his temper tantrums are my fault. I am always defensive with him and I zero in on the most insignificant things he says in order to pick a fight.

Tonight, he wanted water for his humidifier, he just started Accutane and it is drying him out, so I said "bring it down here and I will fill it up." He gets downstairs and I immediately mention that he didn't need to bring the entire humidifier down, he just needed to bring the reservoir, to which he responds, "I thought you meant the entire thing."
I overreact to what he said and start on a verbal tangent about him putting words in my mouth. He of course yells at me and walks off upstairs. As usual I follow him and tell him if he flips out I will take all of his electronics.

Our in-home therapist has warned me that the way Autistics perceive and interoperate the world is different. I am way over the line with my responses with him. So I can only assume I am ate up with resentment for the years of a perfect family we never had.

P.S. Sorry my hello world post was out of the gate with both barrels but I needed to get this off my chest and get some healing done so I can be a better dad.


I'm glad you brought up the example of the humidifier. I'm a 40 year old autistic myself, and I could see myself receiving instructions to bring the humidifier downstairs and bringing the entire humidifier. So, when he said, "I thought you meant to entire thing", he wasn't saying, "You idiot, you told me to bring down the entire humidifier, this is YOUR fault!". He's really just saying that he thought he had to bring down the entire humidifier. Don't look for an underlying meaning or message in what he says because he's autistic and he speaks in a straight forward manner. I know this may be hard to understand or accept, but your son means what he says, and he says what he means. He's meat and potatoes, you aren't getting any filet mignon.

When you tell him that he only had to bring down the reservoir and you yell at him, you are not only pointing out his inadequacies in his ability to understand the subtleties of communication, you are doing so in a way that comes across as harsh to him. Besides, raising your voice is going to increase the amount of sensory information he receives, and he already receives excessive sensory information (which is pretty much the entire underlying problem autistics have to begin with).

You should consider counseling with somebody familiar with autism between yourself and your son so that both of you can learn to communicate with each other in a productive and mutually respectful manner.


Cool! It's a start. You still might want to consider counseling. You want long term results, and without support any attempts to change can be temporary. This goes for anybody, myself included.



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28 Jan 2018, 3:37 pm

AspieSingleDad wrote:
debianator wrote:
I have been working not getting angry at all. I am also working on taking him for what he says and not interpreting it in my head. I have a bad habit of running things through the broken filter in my brain.

Plus I have been a dry drunk for years so going to meetings and working the steps again is helping more than anything.

:lol:


AspieSingleDad wrote:
debianator wrote:
My son started out diagnosed Bipolar, I recently had him tested and his diagnosis has been changed to Autism.

For necessity I will not do too much introduction now.

I have found, as he is getting older and fairly stable, that I have a huge resentment toward him and now some if not just about all of his temper tantrums are my fault. I am always defensive with him and I zero in on the most insignificant things he says in order to pick a fight.

Tonight, he wanted water for his humidifier, he just started Accutane and it is drying him out, so I said "bring it down here and I will fill it up." He gets downstairs and I immediately mention that he didn't need to bring the entire humidifier down, he just needed to bring the reservoir, to which he responds, "I thought you meant the entire thing."
I overreact to what he said and start on a verbal tangent about him putting words in my mouth. He of course yells at me and walks off upstairs. As usual I follow him and tell him if he flips out I will take all of his electronics.

Our in-home therapist has warned me that the way Autistics perceive and interoperate the world is different. I am way over the line with my responses with him. So I can only assume I am ate up with resentment for the years of a perfect family we never had.

P.S. Sorry my hello world post was out of the gate with both barrels but I needed to get this off my chest and get some healing done so I can be a better dad.


I'm glad you brought up the example of the humidifier. I'm a 40 year old autistic myself, and I could see myself receiving instructions to bring the humidifier downstairs and bringing the entire humidifier. So, when he said, "I thought you meant to entire thing", he wasn't saying, "You idiot, you told me to bring down the entire humidifier, this is YOUR fault!". He's really just saying that he thought he had to bring down the entire humidifier. Don't look for an underlying meaning or message in what he says because he's autistic and he speaks in a straight forward manner. I know this may be hard to understand or accept, but your son means what he says, and he says what he means. He's meat and potatoes, you aren't getting any filet mignon.

When you tell him that he only had to bring down the reservoir and you yell at him, you are not only pointing out his inadequacies in his ability to understand the subtleties of communication, you are doing so in a way that comes across as harsh to him. Besides, raising your voice is going to increase the amount of sensory information he receives, and he already receives excessive sensory information (which is pretty much the entire underlying problem autistics have to begin with).

You should consider counseling with somebody familiar with autism between yourself and your son so that both of you can learn to communicate with each other in a productive and mutually respectful manner.


Cool! It's a start. You still might want to consider counseling. You want long term results, and without support any attempts to change can be temporary. This goes for anybody, myself included.


I know I should, right now I am doing some pretty thorough step work so that should clear up a lot of the anger stuff. I also have a D.I.D. child who is starting therapy so I am not sure how much spare time I am going to have.
Maybe that is all excuses though?



AspieSingleDad
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28 Jan 2018, 3:58 pm

What's a D.I.D. child? You don't mean dissociative disorder, do you?



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28 Jan 2018, 5:36 pm

AspieSingleDad wrote:
What's a D.I.D. child? You don't mean dissociative disorder, do you?


Yeah, that’s exactly right! Honestly she is a much larger issue right now. She told her cousin she is doing Xanax so I am literally at my wits end. :skull:



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28 Jan 2018, 5:46 pm

Wow, dissociative disorder is an extremely rare diagnosis. Did something extremely traumatic happen in her life? How old is she? She's self medicating on Xanax?



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28 Jan 2018, 5:53 pm

AspieSingleDad wrote:
Wow, dissociative disorder is an extremely rare diagnosis. Did something extremely traumatic happen in her life? How old is she? She's self medicating on Xanax?


Her first therapist didn’t say whether she told If or whom her abuser may have been. She starts attachment therapy this Friday and I am leaving her in therapy for a while this time.

I am told from the school administration that kids self medicating is epidemic, since a majority of them are not harming themselves, I guess the school is not going to make too big of a deal out of it now or yet.

That’s why I am not throwing her in the car and driving to the long term treatment center just yet. I want to see if the new therapist can bond with her at all and get to the truth first.



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28 Jan 2018, 5:57 pm

How old is she?



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28 Jan 2018, 6:13 pm

AspieSingleDad wrote:
How old is she?


16