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Aspie1
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28 Dec 2017, 9:31 pm

League_Girl wrote:
So the mom would also have to explain to her son that his teacher also gets homework. She has to take home the assignments and grade them and has to prepare her next assignments for her students and make copies of them all. She also has to make report cards and give them out and also has to give her students a grade based on how much work they have turned in and what grades they have gotten on them each. Just think of how much time it takes her in her spare time when she has like 20 pages to grade than just one page and she has five different assignments to grade for each student and it all adds up.

Really, now? The teacher does not "get" homework :evil:. The teacher GIVES homework. He/she is the reason why kids have to do homework in the first place. Not only that, if a kid doesn't do well on his homework, he gets scolded by the teacher AND gets in trouble at home. And in the kid's mind, the teacher is the one who got him in trouble.

Also, grading homework is a cakewalk compared to doing it. The teacher has a special textbook with all the answers, for crying out loud! It may be tedious, but it's certainly not hard. (Although essays and reports are a different animal; they're the only homework where doing it and grading it take almost equal amounts of time.) Not only that, if the teacher does something wrong (like grade a homework incorrectly), he/she doesn't get in trouble for it at home.

So like it or not, the unfairness in there indeed. But life isn't supposed to be fair, especially for kids, so oh well.



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29 Dec 2017, 7:03 am

Aspie1 wrote:
[Not only that, if the teacher does something wrong (like grade a homework incorrectly), he/she doesn't get in trouble for it at home.

So like it or not, the unfairness in there indeed. But life isn't supposed to be fair, especially for kids, so oh well.


Aspie1, I don't think your experience is the norm, though I could be wrong. I never got in trouble in school or from my parents for getting things wrong on my homework. Of course, I took my grades more seriously than they did b/c I think (but don't know b/c he, himself, never told me) that my dad had aspie like executive functioning issues that affected his grades. My mom was just never grade-oriented b/c whatever her grades were, were not going to affect the low-expectations job her parents expected her to get. So whatever grades I got were looked at as brilliant. Of course, I was the one upset by anything that was not perfect, and my parents did not really understand. Even if they were that kind of parent, I can't imagine them grinding about homework. I think the main thing parents care about is that it is done and taken seriously.

That said, IMO homework should be for learning the material and you should not be graded the same way as a test or quiz. I assume they grade them so the kids take the work seriously but to me that is BS. It should be used to see if you know the material and so you and the teacher knows what needs to be explained better or studied on better.

As far as the OP goes, it sounds like she just wants her son to do it and is not going to be punitive if he gets things wrong. It also sounds like she found a successful angle, which is awesome.



Aspie1
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29 Dec 2017, 10:22 pm

ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
Aspie1, I don't think your experience is the norm, though I could be wrong. I never got in trouble in school or from my parents for getting things wrong on my homework. Of course, I took my grades more seriously than they did b/c I think (but don't know b/c he, himself, never told me) that my dad had aspie like executive functioning issues that affected his grades.
Well, my parents treated my grades as the topmost priority, far above my mental health. Which caused me to make plan to run away from home every time a bad report card came. And I had nothing and no one to turn to. I had no friends. I also knew I couldn't talk to my teachers about it: they gave me those grades, and were therefore "the enemy" and shouldn't be trusted. And until 4th grade, I even believed that my elementary teacher was colluding with my parents: by giving me low grades on purpose, to give them extra opportunities to punish me. Or at least give me usual "I'm very disappointed in you!" spiel.

Another thing I forgot to mention in my earlier post: ALCOHOL. If something goes wrong in a teacher's day at school, he/she can drink some vodka after getting home, and all is well again. But kids have no such source of comfort; just their own mind! So when the OP's son's teacher has too many essays to grade, she can pound some shots after she's done. But when the OP's son has too much homework, he has nothing to relax himself with! :evil: Just the dumb, ineffective "natural relaxation" crap.

As you can tell, I started (ab)using alcohol pretty early. I was 12 when I first started sneaking whiskey to relax myself.



cubedemon6073
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29 Dec 2017, 11:17 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
Aspie1, I don't think your experience is the norm, though I could be wrong. I never got in trouble in school or from my parents for getting things wrong on my homework. Of course, I took my grades more seriously than they did b/c I think (but don't know b/c he, himself, never told me) that my dad had aspie like executive functioning issues that affected his grades.
Well, my parents treated my grades as the topmost priority, far above my mental health. Which caused me to make plan to run away from home every time a bad report card came. And I had nothing and no one to turn to. I had no friends. I also knew I couldn't talk to my teachers about it: they gave me those grades, and were therefore "the enemy" and shouldn't be trusted. And until 4th grade, I even believed that my elementary teacher was colluding with my parents: by giving me low grades on purpose, to give them extra opportunities to punish me. Or at least give me usual "I'm very disappointed in you!" spiel.

Another thing I forgot to mention in my earlier post: ALCOHOL. If something goes wrong in a teacher's day at school, he/she can drink some vodka after getting home, and all is well again. But kids have no such source of comfort; just their own mind! So when the OP's son's teacher has too many essays to grade, she can pound some shots after she's done. But when the OP's son has too much homework, he has nothing to relax himself with! :evil: Just the dumb, ineffective "natural relaxation" crap.

As you can tell, I started (ab)using alcohol pretty early. I was 12 when I first started sneaking whiskey to relax myself.


Could your parents have been on the spectrum as well?



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30 Dec 2017, 2:29 am

I had a lot of homework all right as a kid and school was very overwhelming. That was because I had very bad ADD so I had massive homework and it would take me all evening to get it done. I think that was one of the reasons why I would turn my work in late and my mom gave me breaks too. I used to think all kids had this much homework and it took them till bed time to get it done but I find out it actually doesn't take them long at all to do and that was just abnormal for me what I went through. I never got in trouble for my grades and I didn't care about my grades because I didn't understand them. I just thought grades were based on what the teacher decides what to give you so hearing about parents punishing their kids for a B or a C or a D was child abuse under my eyes because I didn't understand how it would be the kid's fault. No I just had a learning disability so anything language based I got C's in. I think B's are good. I don't know why some parents are picky about grades. I know lot of kids hate homework but for me it was very different when I hated it.


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30 Dec 2017, 8:26 am

Aspie1 wrote:
ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
Aspie1, I don't think your experience is the norm, though I could be wrong. I never got in trouble in school or from my parents for getting things wrong on my homework. Of course, I took my grades more seriously than they did b/c I think (but don't know b/c he, himself, never told me) that my dad had aspie like executive functioning issues that affected his grades.
Well, my parents treated my grades as the topmost priority, far above my mental health. Which caused me to make plan to run away from home every time a bad report card came. And I had nothing and no one to turn to. I had no friends. I also knew I couldn't talk to my teachers about it: they gave me those grades, and were therefore "the enemy" and shouldn't be trusted. And until 4th grade, I even believed that my elementary teacher was colluding with my parents: by giving me low grades on purpose, to give them extra opportunities to punish me. Or at least give me usual "I'm very disappointed in you!" spiel.

Another thing I forgot to mention in my earlier post: ALCOHOL. If something goes wrong in a teacher's day at school, he/she can drink some vodka after getting home, and all is well again. But kids have no such source of comfort; just their own mind! So when the OP's son's teacher has too many essays to grade, she can pound some shots after she's done. But when the OP's son has too much homework, he has nothing to relax himself with! :evil: Just the dumb, ineffective "natural relaxation" crap.

As you can tell, I started (ab)using alcohol pretty early. I was 12 when I first started sneaking whiskey to relax myself.


Yeah... See another thing is I think you are making some false assumptions about adults and drinking. If this is what you observed, I understand the assumption, but the notion that all adults use alcohol (or other mind altering substances) as a coping mechanism is incorrect. Assuming that all the adults in your life were colluding against you is a function of how terrible your parents were, I am sure. Using your parents to generalize that the world is solely occupied by adults who have kids just to exercise petty power plays over them and deprive them of joy is incorrect as well.

I am not saying adults/parents are all roses and unicorns. My parents had some serious issues that they visited upon me, at various points. My father was not above the petty power play, though it was fairly infrequent. My mother would throw me and my sibling under the bus, if it made her life easier. She had serious anxiety problems which she would amerliorate by making rules or nagging about things we did or did not do, or whatever it took to make her anxiety go away regardless of how these things affected us. She would not pull that crap on strangers or extended family who she was a people pleaser for -- just us.

So, it is not like I don't get it. Parents can suck and are often unfair-- but most of it is because of their own issues and not some plot designed to oppress children for no good reason. It may seem that way to a child who either does not have access to the background information or otherwise not in a position to analyze these things--but I don't think most families run quite so badly as you assume.



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30 Dec 2017, 10:24 am

cubedemon6073 wrote:
Could your parents have been on the spectrum as well?
I doubt it. Back then, they were too focused on making me fit in with society, which isn't a spectrum trait. And today, they're elderly. Which means that age-related changes in the brain probably overshadow any traces of the spectrum, if any at all.

ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
Yeah... See another thing is I think you are making some false assumptions about adults and drinking. If this is what you observed, I understand the assumption, but the notion that all adults use alcohol (or other mind altering substances) as a coping mechanism is incorrect. Assuming that all the adults in your life were colluding against you is a function of how terrible your parents were, I am sure. Using your parents to generalize that the world is solely occupied by adults who have kids just to exercise petty power plays over them and deprive them of joy is incorrect as well.
...
So, it is not like I don't get it. Parents can suck and are often unfair-- but most of it is because of their own issues and not some plot designed to oppress children for no good reason. It may seem that way to a child who either does not have access to the background information or otherwise not in a position to analyze these things--but I don't think most families run quite so badly as you assume.
You know, I think I forgot how I internalized the idea that alcohol = joy/comfort. Regardless of reason, ready access to alcohol felt like a perfect explanation for why adults were so happy all the time and I wasn't. Anyway, it is what it is; alcohol got me through the horrors of middle school. Yeah, I had favorite books and such, but sometimes you just need comfort that no authority figure can give (because they not "on your team"). Since I had no friends at the time, alcohol provided comfort for me.

Either way, I decided to never have kids. I know I'll be tempted to exert too much power over them, like by enforcing excessively early bedtimes, taking away toys I deem "unacceptable", prohibiting little pleasures, or controlling their lives with the rigidness of US Marines. Not to mention, based on what I read in the news, America's schools are turning into a pathetic circus, full of draconian rules and snowflake teachers. I sure as hell wouldn't want my kid going though that, even if I'll relish my power over him/her at home.



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31 Dec 2017, 11:04 am

Aspie1 wrote:
cubedemon6073 wrote:
Could your parents have been on the spectrum as well?
I doubt it. Back then, they were too focused on making me fit in with society, which isn't a spectrum trait. And today, they're elderly. Which means that age-related changes in the brain probably overshadow any traces of the spectrum, if any at all.

ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
Yeah... See another thing is I think you are making some false assumptions about adults and drinking. If this is what you observed, I understand the assumption, but the notion that all adults use alcohol (or other mind altering substances) as a coping mechanism is incorrect. Assuming that all the adults in your life were colluding against you is a function of how terrible your parents were, I am sure. Using your parents to generalize that the world is solely occupied by adults who have kids just to exercise petty power plays over them and deprive them of joy is incorrect as well.
...
So, it is not like I don't get it. Parents can suck and are often unfair-- but most of it is because of their own issues and not some plot designed to oppress children for no good reason. It may seem that way to a child who either does not have access to the background information or otherwise not in a position to analyze these things--but I don't think most families run quite so badly as you assume.
You know, I think I forgot how I internalized the idea that alcohol = joy/comfort. Regardless of reason, ready access to alcohol felt like a perfect explanation for why adults were so happy all the time and I wasn't. Anyway, it is what it is; alcohol got me through the horrors of middle school. Yeah, I had favorite books and such, but sometimes you just need comfort that no authority figure can give (because they not "on your team"). Since I had no friends at the time, alcohol provided comfort for me.

Either way, I decided to never have kids. I know I'll be tempted to exert too much power over them, like by enforcing excessively early bedtimes, taking away toys I deem "unacceptable", prohibiting little pleasures, or controlling their lives with the rigidness of US Marines. Not to mention, based on what I read in the news, America's schools are turning into a pathetic circus, full of draconian rules and snowflake teachers. I sure as hell wouldn't want my kid going though that, even if I'll relish my power over him/her at home.


Kids are not for everyone and people who try to cajole people into having kids they don't want are incredibly annoying and short-sighted. I know this is a problem you have and honestly you have more patience than I did for it when I had to listen to that nonsense. (I have a son, now but at the time I did not plan on having kids at all) I was much more direct and snippy about it which helped deter the conversation once I got cruder about it. I would totally recommend shutting the conversation down as rudely as possible for repeat offenders unless they have other redeeming qualities you are willing to overlook their persistent presumptuousness for.

Some people seem to make it their life's mission to convert everyone into making the same life's choices they did. I don't know if it is that they need everyone to do the same thing to validate their own choices, or just that nonconformity makes them profoundly uncomfortable.



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31 Dec 2017, 5:06 pm

ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
Kids are not for everyone and people who try to cajole people into having kids they don't want are incredibly annoying and short-sighted. I know this is a problem you have and honestly you have more patience than I did for it when I had to listen to that nonsense. (I have a son, now but at the time I did not plan on having kids at all) I was much more direct and snippy about it which helped deter the conversation once I got cruder about it. I would totally recommend shutting the conversation down as rudely as possible for repeat offenders unless they have other redeeming qualities you are willing to overlook their persistent presumptuousness for.
I think one major problem is that most NT people forget just how unpleasant it is to be a child: the powerlessness, the monsters in the closet, the naps, the early bedtimes, the yucky broccoli, the draconian teachers, the hours of frustrating homework, the fear of getting in trouble at home, the lack of understanding from adults---and last but not least---the lack of access to alcohol to numb the pain from it all. So, when people tell other people to have kids, they assume that being a child is all rainbows and unicorns. When it's clearly not. Especially in today's society.

Oh, and speaking of alcohol, happy New Year! :jester: :hic: :-D :thumright:



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31 Dec 2017, 5:42 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
Kids are not for everyone and people who try to cajole people into having kids they don't want are incredibly annoying and short-sighted. I know this is a problem you have and honestly you have more patience than I did for it when I had to listen to that nonsense. (I have a son, now but at the time I did not plan on having kids at all) I was much more direct and snippy about it which helped deter the conversation once I got cruder about it. I would totally recommend shutting the conversation down as rudely as possible for repeat offenders unless they have other redeeming qualities you are willing to overlook their persistent presumptuousness for.
I think one major problem is that most NT people forget just how unpleasant it is to be a child: the powerlessness, the monsters in the closet, the naps, the early bedtimes, the yucky broccoli, the draconian teachers, the hours of frustrating homework, the fear of getting in trouble at home, the lack of understanding from adults---and last but not least---the lack of access to alcohol to numb the pain from it all. So, when people tell other people to have kids, they assume that being a child is all rainbows and unicorns. When it's clearly not. Especially in today's society.

Oh, and speaking of alcohol, happy New Year! :jester: :hic: :-D :thumright:


I think you are right about that and I also think for a lot of NTs it is not unpleasant b/c while they have little power, they figure out a way to navigate the system to make it more tolerable. In addition I think a lot of people think the trade off of no power for no "real person" responsibility is worth it. For people on the spectrum, it is really hard to navigate to where things are OK. Adults suck a lot of times, The system sucks, and other kids suck, too.

Even though my dad could be difficult, at least I felt like we were the same species. (My dad was more AS than me; also undiagnosed) So even when he was being a jerk, I at least understood what he was doing and he had insight into my issues if I wanted to talk about them.

My mom was at best useless and at worst counterproductive and undermining because she had zero theory of mind in how I felt about really anything. Feeling alone in the world was the worst part, and at least when talking to my dad, when he was in the mood for a productive talk, I mostly didn't.

Being an adult is much better. Not everything is under your control, but the petty dictators in life seem more manageable when you don't have to live in their homes or under their thumbs.

Happy New Year to you too. :D



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01 Jan 2018, 1:22 pm

ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
I think you are right about that and I also think for a lot of NTs it is not unpleasant b/c while they have little power, they figure out a way to navigate the system to make it more tolerable. In addition I think a lot of people think the trade off of no power for no "real person" responsibility is worth it. For people on the spectrum, it is really hard to navigate to where things are OK. Adults suck a lot of times, The system sucks, and other kids suck, too.
The idea of childhood being "free of responsibilities" is very, very questionable. In fact, I had more responsibilities as a child than I do today as an adult. I had numerous chores and hours of homework, which I hated. Adults have no homework to speak of, and it almost seemed like my parents enjoyed doing chores. (Because why else would they be so adamant about doing them?) Even more so, I was punished for not doing my responsibilities properly, while the only thing adults get for not doing theirs is a mild self-inflicted hassle.

I'll give you credit for one thing, though. You're totally right that NT kids have ways of making their childhoods less unpleasant. Mainly by finding ways to get what they want from their parents, be it by sucking up or by manipulation. Aspie kids, unfortunately, have no such luxury, and have to rely entirely on their parents' goodwill.



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01 Jan 2018, 2:30 pm

I think childhood is all about learning to be independent and getting ready for the real world. Why do you think kids are not held as accountable as adults are? But then they get to their teens, they can be held as accountable as adults depending on the severity of their crime, even pre adolescents can too. It's already expected they know right from wrong but if they were never taught well or didn't have the right environment to grow up in, they are screwed. Our laws are too black and white.

I think once you become an adult, your perspectives change about your childhood and you understand where your parents were coming from like when they wouldn't let you get anything you wanted or new toys or let you eat junk food. It changes even more when you become a parent. If I let my kids get everything they wanted, we would always be broke and our house would be like a hoarding nest and lot of the toys wouldn't even be played with by our kids and everything would be tossed around and then it would me junk because it would all be missing pieces. If I let my kids eat any thing they wanted, they would get fat and wouldn't be very healthy. As for TV, too much of it is bad and it doesn't help with brain development. Playing does like building, drawing, pretend play, kids playing together also helps with their development as well, you can't get that from TV. Plus you want them to get some activity level.

So I think us parents do remember our childhoods well and then we go "oh I get it" and we appreciate our parents more. This is assumed if you had a normal family and not controlling and narcissistic parents. I realized as a parent how much easier my childhood would have been if I had just listened to my mother. I got this realization after seeing my son not staying in bed and he was just getting into deeper and deeper trouble. Yes I remember very well how that felt for me as a child that I didn't want to go to bed. I remember very well how it felt to be grounded or have things taken from me. But I realize something, none of that wouldn't have happened if I just listened to my mother. I doubt she liked doing any of that stuff to me because I sure don't like yelling at my kids or punishing them. I tell my son he is making it harder when he doesn't listen. I wished my mother had told me that but would I have understood? I wonder why can't parents just tell their kids why they should go to bed? My mom used to just say I wouldn't be able to get up in the morning but I had that problem anyway and it didn't matter how soon I went to bed, I just never felt tired and boredom is what I hated because I would be laying in bed doing nothing but looking at the stars. So I have told my son how much easier my childhood would have been if I listened to my mother and told him why. I also tell him why I don't let him eat any time he wants or else he would get fat and his clothes wouldn't fit and he would have nothing to wear. I am not buying him new clothes unless he grows, not because he got wider. I have also showed him those TV shows about My 600 lb Life so he knows this is what happens if you eat too much. This is why I don't let you eat lot of sugar and why I get upset when you keep asking for food when it's not time to eat yet.

I bet if parents just give their kids reasons behind things like with food and toys and stuff and why they won't let them have them, would make it a lot easier for them so that is what I do with my kids. I tell them why I don't keep buying them toys. Money, I don't want the clutter, they just throw it around and not take care of it, it's a waste of money if they will only play with it once. Kids wants everything they see and they get bored with it quickly once they get it. But if they keep talking about the same toy over and over, then you know they really want it and it's not something they will forget about and just toss aside and never play with it again. I also explain to them why they should always pick up their toys when they are done, the mess will get bigger and bigger and it will be hard to clean up and take longer to clean up.

Adults do have homework. My mom worked as a nurse and she sometimes had to take classes or study at home and she also had to fill out her patient charts and she did that in her bedroom. Depending on what job you have, you have to have a license and every few years you have to renew it and that is some homework there. I am taking acting classes and I have to memorize scripts and that is homework and I am an adult. Do you think us adults just do it in class? Do you think adults only do their work during work hours? Even actors have homework and that is memorizing their lines and practicing their parts. Do you think they only do acting when they are working on the set? My dad would also have homework sometimes. He would have it whenever he needed to renew his appraiser license. Adults still have to do things they don't want to do like pay bills or run errands and they might call that homework because it takes them effort to get it done.

Lot of adults don't like doing chores either. To them cleaning is an effort. Why do you think there are dirty houses out there and messy ones? They don't enjoy cleaning is why? It's a chore. I enjoy housework so it's never a chore to me and I don't find it overwhelming.


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01 Jan 2018, 2:48 pm

League_Girl wrote:
I think childhood is all about learning to be independent and getting ready for the real world. Why do you think kids are not held as accountable as adults are? But then they get to their teens, they can be held as accountable as adults depending on the severity of their crime, even pre adolescents can too. It's already expected they know right from wrong but if they were never taught well or didn't have the right environment to grow up in, they are screwed. Our laws are too black and white.

I think once you become an adult, your perspectives change about your childhood and you understand where your parents were coming from like when they wouldn't let you get anything you wanted or new toys or let you eat junk food. It changes even more when you become a parent. If I let my kids get everything they wanted, we would always be broke and our house would be like a hoarding nest and lot of the toys wouldn't even be played with by our kids and everything would be tossed around and then it would me junk because it would all be missing pieces. If I let my kids eat any thing they wanted, they would get fat and wouldn't be very healthy. As for TV, too much of it is bad and it doesn't help with brain development. Playing does like building, drawing, pretend play, kids playing together also helps with their development as well, you can't get that from TV. Plus you want them to get some activity level.

So I think us parents do remember our childhoods well and then we go "oh I get it" and we appreciate our parents more. This is assumed if you had a normal family and not controlling and narcissistic parents. I realized as a parent how much easier my childhood would have been if I had just listened to my mother. I got this realization after seeing my son not staying in bed and he was just getting into deeper and deeper trouble. Yes I remember very well how that felt for me as a child that I didn't want to go to bed. I remember very well how it felt to be grounded or have things taken from me. But I realize something, none of that wouldn't have happened if I just listened to my mother. I doubt she liked doing any of that stuff to me because I sure don't like yelling at my kids or punishing them. I tell my son he is making it harder when he doesn't listen. I wished my mother had told me that but would I have understood? I wonder why can't parents just tell their kids why they should go to bed? My mom used to just say I wouldn't be able to get up in the morning but I had that problem anyway and it didn't matter how soon I went to bed, I just never felt tired and boredom is what I hated because I would be laying in bed doing nothing but looking at the stars. So I have told my son how much easier my childhood would have been if I listened to my mother and told him why. I also tell him why I don't let him eat any time he wants or else he would get fat and his clothes wouldn't fit and he would have nothing to wear. I am not buying him new clothes unless he grows, not because he got wider. I have also showed him those TV shows about My 600 lb Life so he knows this is what happens if you eat too much. This is why I don't let you eat lot of sugar and why I get upset when you keep asking for food when it's not time to eat yet.

I bet if parents just give their kids reasons behind things like with food and toys and stuff and why they won't let them have them, would make it a lot easier for them so that is what I do with my kids. I tell them why I don't keep buying them toys. Money, I don't want the clutter, they just throw it around and not take care of it, it's a waste of money if they will only play with it once. Kids wants everything they see and they get bored with it quickly once they get it. But if they keep talking about the same toy over and over, then you know they really want it and it's not something they will forget about and just toss aside and never play with it again. I also explain to them why they should always pick up their toys when they are done, the mess will get bigger and bigger and it will be hard to clean up and take longer to clean up.

Adults do have homework. My mom worked as a nurse and she sometimes had to take classes or study at home and she also had to fill out her patient charts and she did that in her bedroom. Depending on what job you have, you have to have a license and every few years you have to renew it and that is some homework there. I am taking acting classes and I have to memorize scripts and that is homework and I am an adult. Do you think us adults just do it in class? Do you think adults only do their work during work hours? Even actors have homework and that is memorizing their lines and practicing their parts. Do you think they only do acting when they are working on the set? My dad would also have homework sometimes. He would have it whenever he needed to renew his appraiser license. Adults still have to do things they don't want to do like pay bills or run errands and they might call that homework because it takes them effort to get it done.

Lot of adults don't like doing chores either. To them cleaning is an effort. Why do you think there are dirty houses out there and messy ones? They don't enjoy cleaning is why? It's a chore. I enjoy housework so it's never a chore to me and I don't find it overwhelming.


Why can't a number people explain crap as clear and articulate as you just did?



ASDMommyASDKid
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01 Jan 2018, 3:36 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
I think you are right about that and I also think for a lot of NTs it is not unpleasant b/c while they have little power, they figure out a way to navigate the system to make it more tolerable. In addition I think a lot of people think the trade off of no power for no "real person" responsibility is worth it. For people on the spectrum, it is really hard to navigate to where things are OK. Adults suck a lot of times, The system sucks, and other kids suck, too.
The idea of childhood being "free of responsibilities" is very, very questionable. In fact, I had more responsibilities as a child than I do today as an adult. I had numerous chores and hours of homework, which I hated. Adults have no homework to speak of, and it almost seemed like my parents enjoyed doing chores. (Because why else would they be so adamant about doing them?) Even more so, I was punished for not doing my responsibilities properly, while the only thing adults get for not doing theirs is a mild self-inflicted hassle.


I think I explained what I meant incorrectly. By responsibilities I did not mean tasks so much as the ultimate responsibility of having everyone's needs provided for. Of course this depends on the type of family also because there are parents who will burden even very young children with their adult worries about worrying if they can pay bills, worries about possibly losing ones job etc. But in my limited experience, these things are usually black boxed and not on children's radar to worry about. People who have not had to deal with those worries as children, but have to worry about them as adults, look at that time wistfully as feeling like they were "worry-free" (forgetting the worries they did have at the time) and taken care of.

Of course the worst combination is having the worries communicated to you, but them not being able to fix them. This would make you feel scared and powerless to do anything to help your situation.

As far as homework goes, it really depends on the type of job you have. When I was a kid, most adults I knew had 9-5 jobs that ended when they got home. There were exceptions even then -- Doctors who were on call, teachers who had to make lesson plans for new additions to the curriculum, or grade papers, people who had part time jobs in addition to full time work, people who had to work overtime which in a way is like homework, etc. Today (depending on the job) you might be tethered to your cell phone, having to answer work-related questions at almost all hours, You may have to VPN into work to do this or that etc. As far as chores go, we were not given any, but I knew my mom did not like them because she complained about them. We didn't get any because my parents did not believe in giving children chores and in any event would have required initial investment in time and effort teaching how to do what would initially be an unsatisfactory job. It never occurred to me adults could like them -- but I could see they just needed to be done so the house would not fall apart or get gross. In addition you will get fined in many locations if you don't take care of your lawn or shovel snow.



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01 Jan 2018, 3:49 pm

ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
Aspie1 wrote:
ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
I think you are right about that and I also think for a lot of NTs it is not unpleasant b/c while they have little power, they figure out a way to navigate the system to make it more tolerable. In addition I think a lot of people think the trade off of no power for no "real person" responsibility is worth it. For people on the spectrum, it is really hard to navigate to where things are OK. Adults suck a lot of times, The system sucks, and other kids suck, too.
The idea of childhood being "free of responsibilities" is very, very questionable. In fact, I had more responsibilities as a child than I do today as an adult. I had numerous chores and hours of homework, which I hated. Adults have no homework to speak of, and it almost seemed like my parents enjoyed doing chores. (Because why else would they be so adamant about doing them?) Even more so, I was punished for not doing my responsibilities properly, while the only thing adults get for not doing theirs is a mild self-inflicted hassle.


I think I explained what I meant incorrectly. By responsibilities I did not mean tasks so much as the ultimate responsibility of having everyone's needs provided for. Of course this depends on the type of family also because there are parents who will burden even very young children with their adult worries about worrying if they can pay bills, worries about possibly losing ones job etc. But in my limited experience, these things are usually black boxed and not on children's radar to worry about. People who have not had to deal with those worries as children, but have to worry about them as adults, look at that time wistfully as feeling like they were "worry-free" (forgetting the worries they did have at the time) and taken care of.

Of course the worst combination is having the worries communicated to you, but them not being able to fix them. This would make you feel scared and powerless to do anything to help your situation.

As far as homework goes, it really depends on the type of job you have. When I was a kid, most adults I knew had 9-5 jobs that ended when they got home. There were exceptions even then -- Doctors who were on call, teachers who had to make lesson plans for new additions to the curriculum, or grade papers, people who had part time jobs in addition to full time work, people who had to work overtime which in a way is like homework, etc. Today (depending on the job) you might be tethered to your cell phone, having to answer work-related questions at almost all hours, You may have to VPN into work to do this or that etc. As far as chores go, we were not given any, but I knew my mom did not like them because she complained about them. We didn't get any because my parents did not believe in giving children chores and in any event would have required initial investment in time and effort teaching how to do what would initially be an unsatisfactory job. It never occurred to me adults could like them -- but I could see they just needed to be done so the house would not fall apart or get gross. In addition you will get fined in many locations if you don't take care of your lawn or shovel snow.


Was it hard to do chores as an adult and even clean because you were never taught that as a child?


_________________
Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed.

Daughter: NT, no diagnoses.


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01 Jan 2018, 3:56 pm

League_Girl wrote:
ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
Aspie1 wrote:
ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
I think you are right about that and I also think for a lot of NTs it is not unpleasant b/c while they have little power, they figure out a way to navigate the system to make it more tolerable. In addition I think a lot of people think the trade off of no power for no "real person" responsibility is worth it. For people on the spectrum, it is really hard to navigate to where things are OK. Adults suck a lot of times, The system sucks, and other kids suck, too.
The idea of childhood being "free of responsibilities" is very, very questionable. In fact, I had more responsibilities as a child than I do today as an adult. I had numerous chores and hours of homework, which I hated. Adults have no homework to speak of, and it almost seemed like my parents enjoyed doing chores. (Because why else would they be so adamant about doing them?) Even more so, I was punished for not doing my responsibilities properly, while the only thing adults get for not doing theirs is a mild self-inflicted hassle.


I think I explained what I meant incorrectly. By responsibilities I did not mean tasks so much as the ultimate responsibility of having everyone's needs provided for. Of course this depends on the type of family also because there are parents who will burden even very young children with their adult worries about worrying if they can pay bills, worries about possibly losing ones job etc. But in my limited experience, these things are usually black boxed and not on children's radar to worry about. People who have not had to deal with those worries as children, but have to worry about them as adults, look at that time wistfully as feeling like they were "worry-free" (forgetting the worries they did have at the time) and taken care of.

Of course the worst combination is having the worries communicated to you, but them not being able to fix them. This would make you feel scared and powerless to do anything to help your situation.

As far as homework goes, it really depends on the type of job you have. When I was a kid, most adults I knew had 9-5 jobs that ended when they got home. There were exceptions even then -- Doctors who were on call, teachers who had to make lesson plans for new additions to the curriculum, or grade papers, people who had part time jobs in addition to full time work, people who had to work overtime which in a way is like homework, etc. Today (depending on the job) you might be tethered to your cell phone, having to answer work-related questions at almost all hours, You may have to VPN into work to do this or that etc. As far as chores go, we were not given any, but I knew my mom did not like them because she complained about them. We didn't get any because my parents did not believe in giving children chores and in any event would have required initial investment in time and effort teaching how to do what would initially be an unsatisfactory job. It never occurred to me adults could like them -- but I could see they just needed to be done so the house would not fall apart or get gross. In addition you will get fined in many locations if you don't take care of your lawn or shovel snow.


Was it hard to do chores as an adult and even clean because you were never taught that as a child?


I wish I lived near you or you lived near me. I would ask you to show me how to do some of these chores and maintain my concentration on them. I'm on limited funds so I wouldn't be able to pay you much.