My Folks Are All Dead...

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...or else I've pretty much cut ties with them.

And it's kind of a relief.

I mean, we had good relationships. GREAT relationships, in some cases. I was really fortunate in my parents, grandparents, et cetera. They had their pathologies and faults (everyone does), but they were remarkably sane in their dealings with me, supportive and good and everything I hope I'm being for my kids. I really, really hope I was good to them too.

Even the cousins from my generation, who I've pretty much had to cut ties with because I can't handle their drug addictions and exploitative behaviors and refusal to do anything to tend to their own mental health other than self-medicate any more-- we had good memories growing up together. I mean, yeah, I was always the bottom of the totem pole and the butt of every joke and all that (typical autistic kid childhood, can't get away from it no matter how lucky you are). But-- good times, good memories.

I'm still glad to be done with it. I miss my aunt (my dad's sister, their mother) and feel really guilty that I'm not spending time with her. Feel like I've pulled some kind of important support out of her life. Other than that-- RELIEF. I am not their blood doll. RELIEF.

Same with the people who have passed on. I miss the hell out of them, grieve their passing from my life, grieve the fact that my kids didn't get to have them for longer...

...but it's a relief. My responsibility to them has been discharged. Whether I succeeded or failed in fulfilling it, it's done now. They're planted, they've moved on. I don't have to explain my choices to them any more. They don't have to live with the consequences of my actions any more. I can't disappoint them any more, can no longer make a social or interpersonal error that can hurt them. If I make a complete train wreck of my life, they don't have to see it or suffer because of it. If I ever see them again, Somewhere Out There, we'll be looking at all of it with very different eyes (or be different people, or something).

I feel free. I mean, I still have a husband and a mother-in-law and four kids to raise (or finish raising) and a veritable Noah's Ark of cats and dogs that I can't go anywhere without making provisions for. It's not like it's all my life and I can live it for me. But-- I feel more free to make decisions based on what *I*/we want, what *I*/we need, what *I*/we think, than I ever have in my life, even when I was 21 and childless and not even married at least according to the letter of the law.

I told my husband that. He said I think too much, and yelled that I'm obviously ruminating myself into another depressive collapse. I really don't think so. I've had quite a few of those. I know how they feel. This doesn't feel like that, at all. Quite the opposite, actually.

Is that weird?? Am I some kind of evil psychopath?? Is it normal?? Anybody??

I'm the same.
My mother is actually dead.
My father now lives in a different country.
I rarely speak to my brother.
I never, ever, contact any of my other relatives. At all.

I don't miss them. They're all pretty awful people. When my grandparents died, they all descended like vultures, grabbing whatever they could, as long as it was worth money.

Screw them! I've realised that my partner, my kids and my dogs are more than I'll ever need. I'm happy with that.

I don't think I should particularly worry about people just because they're related to me. I had no choice in that process. I'd rather worry about the people that I actually like.

Absolutely normal. (I'm over 60, keep that in mind, it affects my perspective of course.)

I was 15 to 18 when my parents went through a form of this - their parents' generation began to die. I saw their grief mingled with relief and the guilt they felt about that. It really tore them up.

I was in my 40s when it happened to me. Because I'd seen it happen to my folks, I had less conflict over feeling relieved and I could grieve what deserved to be mourned... but only because I'd seen it before.

I don't know you or your husband so I can't speak to his reaction, except that it caused me to wonder what he might be losing, or afraid of losing, that would cause him to respond unsupportively. If he's going through this loss cycle now he may be a bit raw.

But no. This is totally normal. None of us is an infinite fountain of giving.... there's a time to pull back and rest.

When my Grandfather died about 4 years ago, I remember thinking how nice it was for the family to put aside years of fighting and come together: in fact it was the first (and only) time all his grandchildren were in the same room. I thought that his death was a new beginning for our lives and the long awaited wakeup call. That evening, they all went to his house and got drunk (Grandmother doesn't drink) and started going through all his personal items, even the contents of his night table and carting off anything of value. Any doubts I had about me being the bad person evaporated that day. On a related note, the worst offender (oldest son) died only three months later.

Damn right. Spend time with people who genuinely love you and want to spend time with you!