Who should I use as a sounding board?

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I am currently self diagnosed with aspergers and am going through an assessment process for an official diagnosis. I am very high functioning and self sufficient due to a mix of opportunities and lessons in my life. Part of my journey though involves me admitting to myself that I don't have the instincts of a normal person when it comes to being taken advantage of. I clearly am taken advantage of to a slightly larger margin than the typical person. I personally don't mind being slightly higher than average since the emotional toll of forcing myself to confront abusive people isn't always worth it.

There are times though, that I start to realize that it is worth it... I think... but I still am not sure.

I have friends that when I discuss concerns they tell me "you shouldn't put up with that!" and advise me to get a lawyer, or to do something dishonest like overstate how much I've been impacted by something, or just to cuss them out and demand that they pay me back for whatever they did.

There are two problems with this kind of advice...

One because it's emotional based I don't feel comfortable following it. I don't do things based on my own emotional state so I certainly am not going to start doing things based on someone else's emotional state. That would be crazy.

The second is, they're rarely specific about what I should actually do. They seem to have a general idea of what to do but not exactly how to do it. They give the advice as if it's something they've done but rarely have they been through the same experience. Generalized instructions are very confusing for me.

Do you have someone who is allistic in your life that you can double-check things with? What is the rest of that person's relationship to you? Is it a family member, a friend, a therapist?

Thanks in advance for any help you can give

Not sure if I can help much, I'm also having trouble finding someone with whom I can talk things through.

My experience is that any advice from someone neurotypical needs to be treated with caution - because ways of behaving that work for NTs might not work for people on the spectrum. For me, I have to avoid open confrontations as far as possible because I get too much emotional fall-out. People don't understand that, they tell me to stand up for myself, but the only way it might work would be if that person would be willing to assist in person.

For myself, I'm going to try talking to a psychologist with experience with ASD to see if that helps.

Thanks for replying Mrs Peel, I was starting to wonder if I asked the question the wrong way.

The advice seems reasonable to me. I like to tell myself that I could be rational about bad advice. People already are used to me asking advice and doing something completely different.

I have a therapist, and she's great and will work as a temporary sounding board for these kinds of things, but I am trying to figure out how to be self sufficient in this area that I've typically not been so far.

I find it difficult to discuss issues with family members. Maybe because, as you said, I might not want to follow their advice, so they'd get annoyed or frustrated with me. Can't really blame them.
Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone who's less close, like a friend that I see occasionally or a colleague. I guess because they don't care so much what I do, when it comes down to it. They can be more objective.
My problem is there are so few people in the category 'people I talk to who aren't family'. And talking with colleagues can be dodgy, too, as it reveals your weaknesses, which leaves me without many options.
Sorry that's not much help, hope you get some more replies!

Not a problem at all MrsPeel, in fact you're somewhat confirming what I was thinking.

I don't even talk to my family for various reasons. What I was thinking about was a friend, but I think you bring up a really good point that I need to consider. Most of the people I meet are people at work, but talking to a colleague can be risky at work since it could impact my career.

As for people getting irritated about not following advice... It seems silly to me that people get upset about that, but for some reason they do. When I give advice, I am generally happy when someone listens and considers it, if they don't follow it my feelings aren't hurt so I can't really understand what the big deal is.

Hi.

I think we are in the same boat there, I can totally relate.

I'm in no position to offer you sane advice because I have that same exact problem. People are always trying to take advantage of me somehow, and there's more: if I come to a friend to express how I felt about an episode like that, I'm treated with further disrespect by having to listen to stuff such as "you are paranoid, you think the whole world is against you".

So for the most part of the time I behave exactly as you describe. I simply bite the bullet and swallow dry the big toad. I feel like it's not worth it. The other party is usually supported by peers, they feel empowered by the presence of others who are like-minded, or maybe they are physically stronger even.

My problem: I seem to have this stupid kind of pride and/or courage that often drives me to confront these abusers who are in far more favoured situation than I am. However, I am less and less inclined to react as time goes by. I was proven time and again that no matter how wrong those people are, they always win. The world isn't fair and I don't expect it ever to be.

Magic,

Thanks for your reply and your story. Even if it's not advice it does help to know that I am not the only person who has to work on this. I've managed to improve other areas of my life significantly and I think I can improve this one as well.

I do want to point out two things regarding your reply. I think that there are cognative biases that cause us to feel like certain things never go right. I don't really have a fix for how to have a more clear perception other than to celebrate the times when the abusive people don't win and try to etch those times in your memory because they do happen... sometimes... lol...

One area where my experience differs, and I am very lucky in this, is that most of my friends seem to have a protective nature towards me for some reason. So rather than telling me that I am paranoid they jump to "You must do something about them right now! You don't deserve that, you can't let them get away with treating you that way!" etc etc... I am happy to have people take my side, but social pressure to comply with getting revenge doesn't really motivate me, it just adds to my overall stress of the situation.