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Hello,

My son just doesn’t get the idea or mechanics of conversation. He bounces down stairs, unloads, good or bad thoughts, feelings or the days events and then just bounces back upstairs. He generally has these monologues with everyone.
Problem; he tells me that EVERYONE treats him as though he is annoying, he says that we at home react to him the way kids at school do. I figure if he is aware enough to see this global response then he may be able to hear and understand the reason for this problem but he doesn’t get it, he doesn’t attempt to have two way communication, he simply wants anyone to listen as he rambles on and on about video games. I honestly don’t think he sees how taxing his ramblings are. We as his family listen for awhile, I even play the same video game so we have something in common but I see no way to train him in the art of two way communication

If he is aware that his conversations are not reciprocal, understands that NTs view his conversations as annoying, and does not make changes, then he either can't or does not view the trade-offs as worth it.

How does the conversation about this go with him go? When he complains about it it does he say he will try to make changes? If he has brought it up with you since (I don't think I would follow up myself but rather wait for the next time he brings it up) have you asked him if he has tried to be more reciprocal and if so what did he say?

The odds are he does not like the social consequences but cannot or does not think it is worth it to do anything differently. If he wants to try it at school, I would make sure I did not even suggest he follow suit at home. Why? It is mentally exhausting to try to pretend to be someone you are not and it is exhausting and difficult to have to change your communication style to suit others.

He deserves to have the chance to test the rewards at school without trying to maintain that facade at home also. Then, if he tries it, he can see if he is rewarded socially for the change. Home should be his safe place. If he sees a positive result and if it becomes easier to pull off, he may interact with your family that way, if it becomes natural enough to him to do so as opposed to code switching. We have not reached the point where my son sees any sense in it, so I can't tell you if it is a thing that can easily become a general habit as opposed to always continuing to be hard.

In my own case, I have enough NT traits, where while I probably do brain dump and monologue significantly more than neurotypicals, I don't find it painful to try to keep my conversations relatively balanced when I am out with people but it does require a significant amount of brain usage and attention. That said, at home I give myself freer reign and so does my husband, and of course my son does so always. So, I would always expect conversation to be less reciprocal at home.

The last time he brought it up, he had a blaming tone to the statement about the kids in school not liking to talk to him because he talks outside of conversation parameters.

So he thinks others don’t like him because they don’t like him talking. No mention of his part being outside of conversation parameters.

As for the last time I talked to him about it, I get the sense that he has no idea what I am talking about.

I will bring the topic up to his tutor/skill builder and see what he thinks.

This is one of the areas of his development that I don’t see changing but then I am obviously too close to see through the trees.

I totally get what you’re saying about him counting the cost of the effort it will take. As a widower he has to get ready for school on his own, well after having to be taken to sickbay a few times for a shower and clean clothes, he is now more willing to shower regularly and laundry gets done voluntarily more often.

He does not seem ready to try. My son is in that same space. The most successful experiences he has with peers is either when he finds a subject of mutual interest or rarely if he finds someone willing to parallel talk.

When he has a mutual subject of interest, he seems to be more reciprocal and willing to let the other person have a fair turn to talk, because the subject is something about which he is willing to listen and potentially learn more about.

Sometimes he runs into a child also on the spectrum and they will engage in what I call parallel speech because it works a lot like parallel play. They both take turns talking about their favorite subject and I don't think either listens to the other one, when it it the other's turn, but they do pause to give the other a turn to talk.

The only thing I can say, is if your child asks what is going on when NTs do not like to hear him talk, be honest and kind about it. You can tell him the expectation is they find a subject of mutual interest, and take turns talking about it. As a speaker, one tries to read body language, facial language etc. to gauge interest and adjust accordingly. On the flip side, the listener tries to be polite when the other person talks about something he thinks is boring, and lets the person speak for awhile before changing subjects.

If this sounds like useless gibberish to him, and he still blames the other person for not having the good taste to be interested in what he has to say, then he won't bother with it right now. Still, it might be information useful for him to have, and it might plant a seed for the future.

“MUTUAL INTEREST!”

You’re a genius, I probably have early stages of whatever degenerative disorder I inherited from mom so phrases don’t come so easy but you nailed it.

I doubt he is ready to work on it so for now he will just keep piling up emotional hostages, I simply tell him I need a break or time out, sometimes I ban video game talk at dinner, (when we have an official dinner.)

Another thing you can try at home is to tell him (nicely) that other people have to have turns to talk too. I have volunteered to make a fancy talking stick or something to help him, but he was very opposed to that. That said, after the conversation where I talked about making one, he seems to be more receptive when I (nicely) tell him to let his daddy talk to me or what have you

I would probably get locked up here in America for making a talking stick.

What is interesting is how well he is doing since I have been home since Christmas Eve. He doesn’t get the conversation structure thing but maybe since he is all caught up on what he wants to tell me, it’s easier to listen or let me have my turn.

Does he work with a speech therapist? These are areas we got a lot of help with from speech therapy. I remember developing hand signals that we and my son's teachers all used to tell him when he was repeating, rambling, etc. He still loves to talk and share all the information that is in his head, but he has learned to do it in appropriate ways with appropriate audiences.

I think he is done with speech therapy. Unfortunately Prince William county would rather build football stadiums instead of helping their special needs students.

I am in the US and I think a talking stick is different than what you think it is. It is a colorfully decorated stick you hold when it is your turn to talk. It is not a switch. LOL I can understand your confusion b/c my son was so against it. It is not for hitting. The only thing it would do is remind him it is someone's else's turn to speak when they have it. It also probably would not work b/c I don't think any of us would have gotten the thing back once he got it. LOL

That is good that he is making progress.

My Mum uses a teddy bear for this. She teaches communication and philosophy to non-autistic adults. Only the person holding the bear is allowed to speak, and then the bear gets passed on. It's really effective because everyone knows they will get to have their say. It also makes it easier to correct someone if they don't let others speak, instead of 'you are being rude' my Mum say's 'where's the bear'.

Yes, that is the same exact idea. I have heard of therapists using stuffed animals, instead of the colorful stick. I wish my son would be willing to try it, but he really does not want to take turns speaking. When he is ready, I will have to pick another object anyway, given how much he hated the stick idea.

I was very sensitive as a child to anything I thought was childish because I was self-conscious about being thought stupid.

Oh, too funny!

He did okay over the holiday week off.

I am noticing the talking is more of a way for him to connect. I don’t think it’s about the words at all. The constant talking is the length of the connection. When we had more one on one the constant talking went away to a great extent.

I could say he is much like a pet dog in the sense that his way of connecting is more primal than refined.

Sadly as a single parent I am dead tired at the end of my work day so the talking drives me crazy

^It sounds as if you need a small break between work and home where nobody wants anything from you. I realise this might not be possible but stopping off somewhere on your way home to sit quietly having a cup of coffee (or whatever) for 20 mins would probably do wonders.

I think I will start doing that, up to this point I have just muscled through but it doesn’t work well if I am wound up from work and the drive home.