Obedience - Aspie Women

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I'm a type of aspie who questions the rules and the authority. My 'core' is rather 'prideful' so to speak...
And my current culture gives mild mannered but strong willed women.
A Southeast Asian outliner that mixes East and West. It's one of the highest in gender equality index behind several either or both low populated and/or highly developed countries.


That didn't made me less uncertain, because one had to be subtile and sensitive, but also strong and independent.
But it certainly made my life easier as a female aspie somehow.

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I’ve always been a bit of a people pleaser but I’ve also always had a strong sense of identity and independence.

I’m very opinionated and I tend to treat most people as my equal. I tend to be pretty irreverent when it comes to hierarchies and authority. That being said, I have a bad habit of not communicating my needs to others out of a fear that people will judge my mental stability (which has happened before). So instead of straight up saying “I can’t do that” I end up pushing myself to seem more high functioning than I am. That’s more of a mental health stigma thing, though.

My mom was always overly concerned about what other people thought and tried to pretend that everything was fine even when it wasn't, and that I was fine too. I was never diagnosed as a kid and my coping strategy was learned from my mom. I pretended to myself I didn't have social communication issues, hid my anxiety from everyone and did my best to be a good girl. This was just my family though not my culture. My mom learned her ways from her mom. Most women in my culture are very opinionated, and a bit bossy. I also feel like I lost my sense of self because of this obedience. I would mostly interact with people by taking on their way of interacting. It all seems so phoney to me now but I don't really know how to change it. I want my interactions to be more genuine but I don't feel safe to be myself around most people. I developed this split life where I could be myself with my lovers and this obedient good girl with most other people. I have a hard time using the communication skills I've developed with my partner with other people.

My dad has some spectrum traits too but his family deals with it by pushing out with their problems instead of internalizing like my mom's family. My parent's split up when I was 5. I'm so curious how I would have developed if I had my dad's influence growing up.

I'm new here and I love not feeling so alone in my reactions to the world.