Getting in siblings face (literally)

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Hi all,

Ever since the second child came along (NT 2 yr old), my first child (AS 6 yr old) has a habit of literally getting in their face. They like to put their face very close to the yonger siblings, it comes across as intimidating or teasing. No matter how many times they have been asked to stop, they don't. Its been going on for over 2 years.

When asked why they persist, I get the typical 'I don't know' answer, which I interpret as either:
They genuinly don't know
They can't find words to describe it
They do know and they think the answer will get them into trouble.

When asked if they think they can stop it, they reply 'no'.
Again, I have to interpret as:
It's impulsive and they cannot stop it, it is beyond self-control
They do not see why they should stop it, it is their god-given right to do it.

I worry as the second child is fiesty and they will evntually give the older one a right lump, or gauge an eye out or something, and this will probably physically, anf emotionally hurt the elder if they are unable to understand why this behaviour is wrong.

They do not get in the face of anyone else at all. This special treatment is preserved exclusively for the younger sibling.

It really is hard to understand the motivation and the persistence. Without that knowledge it's difficult to work out how to address it.

I'd welcome any experiences or knowledge on this one

How does the sibling react to this? You say how you interpret this but I see no description of the other child's reaction. Maybe there would be some pointers to what it really means to the older child.

Good point. They either ignore it or seem indifferent, or scream and get upset, or get aggressive. This seems to be determined by how tolerant they feel, tired they are, if they feel obstructed etc. The awareness and intolerance of the younger sibling is increasing as they get older.

Can the older child tell when his sibling is upset when he does that?

Would it bother him if someone did that to him? If so, would a demonstration on him be feasible?

The only thing I can guess as to why he does it it is because the sibling is so small, that he does not feel close to him unless they are face-to-face. He might think what he is doing helps him bond better,

Hi! We have a similar age gap. Mine are 8 (AS) and 3.5 (NT). I have no wise answers, apart from lots of modelling. I guess it is also important to differentiate between when it is ok to get really close and when it is is not. I am sure your younger child will send out signals but perhaps give your older child some help interpreting them. My daughter will persist in getting really close and in her sister's face if she is apologising for something and can also be quite loud and will then appear fairly threatening. We have modelled arms-length distance when she apologises and getting down at her sister's level and not insisting her apology is accepted before she moves on. It seems to be working. How do your two get on otherwise?

Thanks for all your replies to date. It's the Groundhog Day effect that's the barrier here (i hope you all remember the film!). For example, they stick their finger in the mouth of these younger one while both in the backb of the car. Finger gets bitten, they cry. Does it teach them to stop putting finger in mouth? Would anyone like to hazard a guess as to how many times this has happened?...

The role modelling, explanations, teaching through example... Nothing sticks. Its like an autopilot in the mind that cannot be found or replaced.

The younger sibling didn't react at first as they were too young. But now they are more self aware they are getting p***ed off! They are different characters,and the younger one will eventually kick the others ass before too long, despite age and size. The older one is not oblivious to their dissatisfaction, but just cringes our gets excited/hyper when challenged. Picture a chimp getting scorned!

That sounds really really hard. I must say I find the sibling aspect of having a child with autism one of the hardest aspects to deal with.

I am very open with my younger child about my older child's difficulties and how we need to support her. I am also very open with my older child about how hard it can be to have a little sister when you have need for such specific rituals and order. I also take every chance I get go spend time with them alone as individuals. I take each opportunity to treat my older child as someone I like to hang out with, we go out for lunch alone, go to shows and the opera. We bond a lot.

Still it is tough as. Mornings are the worst for us. My older child has extreme demand avoidance and it rules our life at the worst of times as me and my younger child have to "wait" for her to get ready to leave the house under often very stressful circumstances. I find using these times constructively, to read a book, play a game, listen to music helps take away the feeling that we are both puppets waiting for her.