Bit it feels like he doesn’t care

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Hi people thanks for the replies. . . . .have been in a bit of a bad place recently. I have been very depressed. Lots of very sad things in my life and it all became a bit much. I reached out to my friend for emotional support which turned out to be a bad idea. It appeared (from my side of the story) to send him into a complete meltdown about my neediness,and me making him feel,suffocated. How I wanted more from him than he wanted. He didn’t want a close friendship, a special friendship just a plain ordinary friendship. He then continued telling me all my faults and things I had done that had upset him over the past 3yrs. . . . .

The problem I have is a) I respect his right to have grievances and to need to tell me about things I have done he has found upsetting
But b) I have no right of reply . . If I try to explain why I reacted in a particular way he states I am putting all the blame on him
C) deciding the time is right to let your close friend know all their faults one by one, when they are severely depressed is not (in my opinion) particularly kind
D) if I try to put my point of view he threatens to block me! Which immediately means there is no ability to have a 2 way conversation.

After this meltdown had occurred and throughout it also. I kept saying “I hear you and I am sad that I have upset you. It appears that you don’t like me as a person very much, and that our friendship is over, please do not continue constantly berating me.
His answer to that is always “those are your words not mine, and you bring this on yourself”

These exchanges were all over messenger, so I stated I wasn’t prepared to argue over text anymore . . .that if he wanted to meet face to face so he could remember who I actually am . . His caring funny friend (although often annoying). then that was fine but otherwise I wasn’t going to answer anymore.
He immediately said yes let’s meet

I asked for a little time, as I was feeling so hurt. . .

We eventually met up 2 weeks after the big argument
We had a very nice day. Nothing was mentioned about the argument
But the trouble is I now feel very wary.
It literally felt like being hit in the face repeatedly when he was constantly berating me.
I couldn’t defend myself without it becoming a really nasty situation so I just agreed and apologised (I’m not disputing that he had the right to some of his grievance, but I often had a just reason from my perception)

Now I feel like I can’t trust him, I will hold at arms length. I think maybe that is what he wants.
I still find it so difficult how he meets someone once in the street and considers them his friend . . .. and someone who has consistently been there for him he seems to see as the enemy a lot of the time.

I am weary.. . . .. when I am feeling disillusioned it feels like he only wants me to continue being a part of my crowd of friends, and because I will drive us to many things (he doesn’t drive) but maybe I am doing him a disservice.

I continue to respect him greatly and will always care but I’m not sure where our friendship goes from here .

I am so sorry to hear about your troubles, both with life and with your friend. What you are saying is something I can relate to though. What I said above is what I've come to accept. I think that my apsie friend, and perhaps yours, got on friendly terms with us. Maybe because we gave them the opportunity to when no one else would. I don't know. But the thing is, I think that my aspie friend was so kind and respectful at first, for a very long time, in fact. And we laughed together, we related to one-another in our interests and talked about those things, we had similar views, we talked all the time, etc. In a normal NT relationship, this is called friendship. And continued friendship in this fashion starts to build a bond. At least that is what WE see. But I don't think your aspie friend nor mine saw or felt any such bond forming. I think my aspie was along for the ride, enjoying the attention and someone to talk to. But, in my case, when it was time to move on, it was just time to move on to a new environment and new people. I became a figment of the past. Not only that, BUT prior to that departure, when I tried so hard to express the bond I felt and that I would miss him, and tried to cultivate a personal friendship from the workplace friendship I thought grew so strong, in reality there was no friendship there. There just never was from his perspective, and he didn't feel or see any of what I thought was there. Now note that the only reason I THOUGHT there was a bond there is because HE ACTED LIKE THERE WAS. Whether intentionally or not, he let me believe we were close but in reality he never saw it that way. This was not at all unclear from the horrible things he said to me 6 months ago when he left. I think his behavior when with me was just mimicking others in how he perceived the world and human interactions--what he thought the socially expected norms were. But I don't think he felt the bond I felt growing at all. I don't think he even understands what that is or recognized that I felt that way. I really mean that. So when I expressed that to him, he was like "who the freak are you and what do you want from me?" as if I had just walked up to a total stranger and said I felt like we were lifelong friends. I feel I never really knew him at all, but rather I knew the person he wanted others to believe he was. For example, I ran into a relative of his recently who I am acquainted with. I asked how he was doing, etc. and she told me about how he was doing and how he behaved when he visited family, and all I can say is that what she said can only be described as being like a child--someone who can't even take care of himself. I could swear we were not even talking about the same person--that was not at all the person I THOUGHT I knew...but I guess that is because I never really knew him at all. She also said that when he moved he had a roommate and he later made it his mission to be so mean to that person so that he would move out, and he did, so now my aspie lives alone. I guess he got the solitude he wanted. I feel so stupid and so very hurt that I was so unimportant in his life when I THOUGHT we had a bond. I feel like the person I cared so much about never even existed in reality, like a ghost, and he and all the experiences we shared were never even real.

It sounds so much like what you are going through too. Like neither one of them have any concept of what a bond of friendship actually is, let alone realizing they were in one. I'm so sorry. I know how much it hurts so badly. It's a betrayal and a rejection like no other.

Are you responding to yourself here?

No, I was replying to Anngables' post but referencing a part of what I previously said to expand on it.

Well know this. Often I'm told that I "don't care" or that I'm "self centered" almost entirely based on my "apathetic facial expressions", but on the inside I do care and it's even worse because I don't know how to express this care. It's probably making him nervous and if you've brought this up to him he'll probably do what he can to change. Unless incase he actually doesn't care, but he will make either of these answers apparent only unless you've brought this up with him.

Imhere . . . .thanks for your reply . . .. yes that is one school of thought . . . . And certainly one I have considered. . . . .or it is that he does actually care but when pushed into what he feels is a corner ie I need you so show me emotions NOW. . .he simply can’t do it. It is a trigger and a panic button which leads to him acting the way he does to get me to go away and leave him alone.

Since the argument we talked, and he has said that I am a special friend. That he acknowledges that he holds some of the blame for our upset and very much that he wants to remain friends. It is me that has backed right off. I am hurt and wondering all the things you have suggested. I’m not even sure if I care any more.

Then I feel sad, and I feel like a bad person. I know he can’t do emotions I. The same way I do them. I shouldn’t expect something of him that he can’t give me and I certainly shouldn’t reject him for it.

My problem is . . .did he mean all the things he said when he was angry? If he did then really there is no friendship. If he said those things just as a way to get me to leave him alone and to escape a horrible situation then I should understand that and move on.

What Anngables said and also what I've experienced are not about facial expressions. In both cases it is about words that are very hurtful and not at all unclear. The only misinterpretation was me feeling like he ever cared at all. He did not. That is fact. His words were not ambiguous.