Rejected by questioning "straight" crush after a year

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Basic info: I'm a 19 year old bisexual guy. I'm diagnosed with autism, OCD and mild paranoia. My crush is an 18 year old guy and only self-diagnosed with OCD.

I met my best friend about 18 months ago, and about a year ago I started developing feelings for him. This was the first time I've ever been in love with someone. I actually called myself aromantic for like five years before meeting this guy, because I had never been interested in anyone outside of "hey this person is attractive and kind". I had no idea what true love felt like until this dude made me melt completely.

I told him as soon as I developed feelings for him, expecting to be rejected, but to my surprise he responded by saying that I'm the nicest guy he has ever met and he would love to make a relationship work, but he just wasn't sure if he was straight or bi, so he needed more time to figure out his sexuality before making a decision.

I asked him if he was cool with me flirting with him, and he said yes. So for the next six or so months, I started doing some casually gay stuff like resting my head on his shoulder when I was tired, holding my arm around him, sharing a bed when we were drunk or high, and a few times I tried to hold his hand (but not in public). I always asked him if he was fine with it and he never objected, but I did notice that often when we shared a bed, he would leave halfway through the night to go sleep on the couch in the other room, even though I told him multiple times that I could sleep on the couch if he was uncomfortable sharing a bed.

After those six months, we had a night where we got really drunk and he dropped his shirt and cuddled up to me and slept in my arms while I kissed him on the forehead. The next day, he was visibly uncomfortable and went home quickly. I apologised for kissing him and like always, he just said it was fine and that I shouldn't worry about it.

A few days later, he texted me to apologise for leading me on. He said that he's still insecure about his sexuality and he feels responsible for giving me "false hope" by dropping his shirt that other day. I asked him if he wanted me to back off a bit, and he said "yeah, no offense but I really wish we could just go back to being normal friends". I promised him that I would stop resting on his shoulder and touching him. He still insists to this day that we should share a bed when we're drunk/high though, because he doesn't want me to sleep on the couch. So we're just fully dressed when we sleep next to each other.

Since that day, I've more or less stopped acting gay with him, outside of some casual compliments to call him pretty. There has been a few days where I've gotten a too drunk and been a bit more flirty than acceptable, but it has never gotten anywhere near the point it used to be. I usually realize that I'm being gross rather quickly and backs off / apologises, I've generally done a good job not being flirty I think. I still text "I love you" a lot but he texts that just as much, we both agree that you can tell your friends that you love them without meaning anything romantic.

In the last six months, the fact that I've been distancing myself has seemingly had a positive influence on his feeling about being bi. At one point he got drunk at his dads birthday party and texted me a ton of really sweet stuff, like saying that he loves absolutely everything about me and he's "just confused sexually, but not so much in moments like this". And just two months ago, he shared a post about being bisexual and texted me saying "I'm probably bi". Obviously this made me really happy and hopeful, even though he still said he wasn't quite ready for a relationship.

Well, three weeks ago we got more drunk than usual (yes, we drink too much) and I started acting a bit more flirty than usual. I hugged him like six times that day and I fell asleep on his shoulder for about twenty minutes. Like always, he said it was fine the next day and that I had nothing to worry about, but I could tell he felt awkward, so we both agreed to stop drinking together, at least for a very long time. We decided on this so that we can build a more normal friendship that doesn't force us to drink to express our feelings. So yeah, we haven't been drinking or smoking for the last three weeks. (that wasn't the only reason we stopped drinking by the way, it was also about saving money and being more healthy, but it was mostly to get a healthier friendship)

Two days ago we got into a bit of an argument through text messages. It was nothing huge, we were both cool and relaxed, but I was upset because he promised me to talk and then he fell asleep without texting. We have had similar arguments multiple times in the past, I always get way too upset when he's late or skips out on a deal, partially because of my autism.

Eventually I asked him why he felt more distant these last few weeks, and he said that he has been thinking back to that one time he dropped his shirt and he still feels uncomfortable about it... after six months. Again, back then he dropped his shirt and cuddled up to me and I kissed him on the forehead, but that was all we did.

I said "but you've been saying multiple times recently that you're probably bisexual, and you said that you wanted to make a relationship work, so why are you still so uncomfortable with me? Please be brutally honest; is it because I'm overweight or is it because of the arguments we've been having?".

He said "I don't think it's because you're overweight or because of the arguments. I think it's because you're a man. I just don't think I feel attracted to males, I've never found a guy sexually attractive. So brutally honest; I'm not sexually attracted to you because you're a dude".

He explained that the reason he has been feeling bisexual is because he's attracted to trans people with male genitals, but they need a feminine female body. He has never been attracted to a regular guy, only feminine trans people. "I don't know what that makes me, but I don't think I'm into guys" he said. (I'm sorry if any of that is offensive to trans people here, I'm just trying to explain what happened)

This obviously hurt a lot. I told him that I'm not mad at him, but that being rejected when I was starting to get hopeful obviously feels like a huge bummer. I didn't sleep for 35 hours after that and I've been feeling severely depressed, I only just fell asleep 7 hours ago and I just woke up. He has been texting me a few times to ask if I'm fine and if there is anything he can do for me. If I know the guy right, he probably feels like a terrible person right now for hurting me, even though being straight isn't his fault. He always has way too much unearned self-hatred and regularly talks about feeling like a bad person who deserves to feel bad. That's probably why it also took him this long to reject me, I know he struggles to say "no" to things because even disagreeing over small stuff makes his self-hatred and self-doubt worse.

I have plenty of mental problems too. On top of my autism, OCD and paranoia, I've also developed depression for the last three years. The hope of getting together with this guy has pretty much been the only thing that keeps me going in life, but for the first time in a year, I genuinely feel like I'll never be loved.

I talked to some bisexual female friends about him a few months ago. One of them said that she thinks we're making great progress considering we've only known each other for 18 months, and that it took her three whole years to feel comfortable calling herself bisexual and make a relationship with her girlfriend work. The other girl had a far more negative view and said that it sounds like the usual case of a straight friend leading on the gay guy "just in case" without going anywhere, and that I should give up on him. I believed the first girl and largely ignored the second one, but now... it looks like the second girl was right.

He has been leading me on. Not on purpose, only because his self-doubt has made him convince himself that he might be bi just to make me feel better, but he was right back when he said that he felt bad for giving me false hope.

I feel so sh***y and even more depressed than usual. I can't sleep right and my heart is beating out of my chest and I feel like I have no reason to live. I'm not suicidal or anything, but I certainly feel like crap. And on top of that I have exams soon and a bunch of homework, so I somehow have to ignore that the love of my live rejected me and try to focus on school.

It hurts so much

I can't believe that nobody has replied yet!!

I mean, when he says he's bisexual just because he dates both cis and trans girls, that seems a bit transphobic! I doubt that trans girls would want to date him if he's viewing them as less girl than cis girls anyway... But regarding your feelings, I send my sympathy. That seems really tough... I don't know how important these exams are, but if they're just trial/mock exams then I'm sure school should understand if you under-perform because you were upset (even if you don't explain what it was that's upsetting you).

And congrats on reducing your alcohol/drug intake!

Wishing you the best of luck

"I mean, when he says he's bisexual just because he dates both cis and trans girls, that seems a bit transphobic!" No it isn't. You are overreacting modaldragon.

Silas 112: Your friend sounds a lot like me a couple years ago. I thought I had attraction to men and women. But meanwhile sex with anyone is repulsive for me unless it is for reproduction. And if your friend is only 18, then it is perfectly normal for him to still be insecure about his sexuality. However you shouldn't force your opinions or feelings on him and you shouldn't try to convince him of a sexuality just because you want to be with him. Something like that tends to ultimately push them away from such orientations, even if they feel otherwise.

This kind of story, is why even though I sort of like the idea of a romantic relationship... the idea seems so scary.

I don't have a ton of experience with romantic or sexual relationships so feel free to disregard whatever I say... but it sounds like he actually is straight, but enjoys the affection. He may also have a penis fetish if he's thinking of trans women in that way (which he may be able to articulate and understand better as he matures). The thing is, people like being close to other people for whatever reason. Maybe that's what happened... Sometimes people are heterosexual but biromantic