Love Daughter but Hate the Anger She Has Often

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Maybe Lists and Points are the more important part in her case than the Punishment and Reward part. Just a guess.

Thank you ASDMommy -- it seems CubeDemon seems to be taking what I'm saying in absolute terms. That I'm a drill sergeant and she's the private in my one-man army! Of course, I don't insist on her following my every direction. I just meant, for example, when it's cold out, she needs to wear her winter jacket not just a windbreaker. Or go out in flip-flops when it's a chilly rainy fall day. She will do those things as she prefers the lightness of the windbreaker and the open feeling of the flip-flops regardless of what effect in may have on her health-wise.

I understand that my daughter's brain is wired differently. Frankly, I think all autistic individuals are different and one cannot say that one particular method is going to work on all autistic kids as CubeDemon seems to be suggesting. It may work for some and not at all for others. But that is par for the course as every parent has to find WHAT WORKS with their kid(s).

Maybe my daughter is less autistic and more intellectually-disabled and that is why the autistic methods don't work as well on her.

All I know is that I had, in earlier years, thought that with age she would begin to have more reasoning ability and would argue/fight less but this hasn't been the case.

Some things have changed -- years ago she would fight about putting on her seatbelt in the car. Now today she is the one arguing for me to put it on! Years ago she had to have every light on in the house at night as she was scared of the dark. Now, she sleeps with the lights off.

Yes, she still believes in Santa and the Easter Bunny (but not the Great Pumpkin for some odd reason) and I don't mind that. I get to have a "kid" longer than most. My friends' non-autistic daughters that are now young adults no longer have that child that believes in Santa on Christmas morning or that the Easter Bunny is the one that left the basket. I still get to enjoy that with her. But for her, it causes problems as when other kids tell her that there is no Santa/Easter Bunny, she gets angry as her belief system is being challenged.

All I want is for my daughter to mature a little more if at all possible so that she thinks more about how her anger affects others. Yet at time goes on, I'm becoming more resigned that this where she is at developmentally and she will not grow past it.

Alyssas Dad

CubeDemon,

At times, it's hard to discern HOW someone is saying something online as words and complete sentences can come across the wrong way sometimes. I think that is what is happening for me as you are quite analytical from my perspective and the tone of your statements sometimes comes across as a little hard.

For me, I try to not use absolute statements when commenting on someone else online that I don't know well. I would not say, for example, "you never do the right thing" but instead would say, "it seems sometimes you may be doing the wrong thing." Even if I did feel that the other person would never do the right thing!

My intention is good and not to criticize but only to share what I'm thinking. This why emoticons are available here too so that others know the statement is not said in a critical tone.

Alyssas Dad

Yes, it has had an effect on her health -- she has gotten sick and she's been admonished by her teachers and the school nurse for coming to school in a light jacket on a cold winter's day. Some kids would rather freeze in the cold weather in order to wear the "favorite" jacket then to think about how the cold may affect their health. Some kids learn from freezing and decide they want to bundle up from then on. My daughter falls into the first group.

In the past, I thought that if I let her brave the elements that she would learn a lesson but that was not the case.

All kids are unique and this is how mine is when it comes to weather and dressing for it.

Alyssas Dad

ok, I was just making sure.

I have been thinking about your thread. I am sorry things have become so difficult. I don't have a teenage daughter and might not understand the particulars of your situations fully so please correct me if my advice is irrelevant or not useful to you.

You clearly want the best for your daughter and have a system that has worked in place in order to help her (and you) achieve that. However, it appears to me that you are all suffering. If you can't go out at the weekends because she doesn't get her points high up enough I am sure you all have a hard time. Besides getting out and about is important training ground and opportunities lost. Opportunities to bond, have fun together and see other sides of each other that might be lost in the constant battle for behaviour modification. It is valuable because it builds trust, it helps us understand each other better and it creates a 'good memory' that makes tough times a lot easier to deal with. It is also important training ground for dealing with situations on the spot that simple wouldn't arise if contained to the house. So I would urge you to just consider the possibility that all of you staying home at the weekends as a result of her behaviour might not actually get you the long term goal you are after.

What does your daughter's week look like? What are your options with regard to your living situation? Would it be possible (and would you be willing) to give her more independence at home. Could she have a part of the house with a small kitchen and some facilities so she could look to take over some cooking, cleaning and laundry duties and start caring for herself and her own domain more? It appears to me you need to look for ways to give her more independence in a supportive way which will benefit all of you and give you a much needed degree of separation. This would give her confidence and a chance to step up and really see the link between independence and freedom and the necessary responsibility and care of self that comes with it. If this is unrealistic, you indicate that she enjoys working with her chore list. Are there other ways in which she might gain more independence and pride in her own work within the household. Can she cook independently? If not, could you or someone else teach her? My strategy would be to really focus on independent life skills where she can gain more input and say within your household and feel like she can contribute and be taken seriously as an adult within the home. Even if she is not an adult in your mind in other ways, giving her opportunities to feel like one could be important to bringing down her frustrations and anger.

I think you should ease up on your daughter and let her grow up. I think you should ditch the points system because it's clearly not working. How would you like to be her age and in her shoes knowing that you're not going to be spending time outdoors doing something fun with your family or that you won't be able to be on the computer all weekend, because you didn't earn enough points because you screwed up? Have you really sat down with your daughter and had an in-depth conversation, asking her how she feels about all this. I think that would be a great place to start. Do you want a pleasant young woman on your hands, or an angry rebel?

I feel like we don't have enough information. How intellectually disabled is she (assuming she is at all)? Based on what I've read from your first post, your daughter's temper tantrums don't seem to be related to overstimulation, which would be the traditional autistic reason for such tantrums. It isn't uncommon for autistics to have tantrums when under stress, but leaving the table early wouldn't qualify as something that would normally stress even a pretty autistic child.

It seems to me like these tantrums are based on frustration that is stemming from two separate things. First, it sounds like your daughter has difficulty communicating. Second, your daughter seems to crave evidence of love and craves attention. So, I think now is a time to have some honesty here, and with yourself.

Are you and your wife happy together, and would you say your relationship with each other takes priority over your relationship with your daughter? Do you resent your daughter, and are you concerned that you'll be "stuck" with her for the long term? If these are thoughts and behaviors in the back of your mind, she'll sense on some level that she is not a priority. This isn't to say you need to suffer these behaviors, and it isn't to say you need to sacrifice your life for her. There's always a middle ground, and I'm just trying to ascertain where things stand now.

It certainly doesn't seem avoiding going out together on weekends is the answer. It seems like your daughter needs to go out and have some good old fashioned fun that involved both you and your wife. As for your daughter really believing in Santa, perhaps she quite literally does. But maybe she just wants to believe because she wants you to take the extra step of having a present with the Santa label on it. And mind you, this isn't because she wants to get an extra present, she just wants to know you love her.

Your daughter is 18, but she ain't 18. You and your wife need to work on a more forgiving, open, and relaxed relationship with your daughter. Why don't you embrace her and use her as an excuse to go and have some fun. I see you're 52 years old. My challenge to you is, if your daughter likes to go and play on the playground, you go and you play with her, and you act no longer than 12 years old. You laugh and play, and who gives a crap what anybody says.

That facility you described earlier is not an option for your daughter. It will break her. Oh, I can assure you, her behavior will "improve" because she won't behave in any way. She could potentially go catatonic. Those are also the types of places where your daughter could be sexually assaulted by some of the other girls in the facility, or the authorities in charge of her well being.

My final thought: You have a tough situation, and it's easy for me to say these things. But sometimes that means the person saying them has some perspective you don't see. It sounds like you are going to have your daughter in your home for the foreseeable future. That's a tough prospect, given her disabilities. That doesn't mean yours and your wife's life has to be hell. Embrace your daughter the way she is, accept her limitations, and instead have fun with her within the limits she has. If this means you go the freakin LEGOLAND and your daughter is the only 18 year old "child" in the place, take her there anyway and play with her on her level.

Life is short, and we'll all be dead at some point. Who gives a f*** what other people think.