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SummerAndSmoke
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12 Jan 2018, 12:44 pm

I have a huge crush on someone in my acting class. I'm 25 and he's 33. This man is seriously everything.... not only is he handsome and brilliantly talented, he is by far one of the most interesting people I've ever met (very sensitive and unique spirit) and he's also just a very warm, generous guy. The level of detail in the work he brings in every week is inspiring to me, and I'm pretty overwhelmed by how incredible he is. Every time I see him, I become more and more attracted to him and it's reaching a point where I feel like I should probably do something about it. However, I'm feeling stuck because I don't know if making a move (me being female) is a very good idea. If I suddenly started texting or calling him in a social manner or asking him out to go places, I'm afraid he'd find it weird and creepy, and not want to work with me again. He is one of the most passionate and dedicated artists in the class and the worst thing I could do, obviously, would be to f**k everything up and lose him as a scene partner.

I first met him about 4 months ago at the start of the fall semester. Though he is gregarious and connects with people well (he works as a waiter), I get the sense from talking to him that he isn't the most confident guy on the planet. He definitely doesn't have great self-esteem, but I don't know if that would necessarily affect him in a dating context. If he were interested in me at all, wouldn't he have reached out to me outside of class (separate from the work we've done together) at some point? No guy has ever shown even the vaguest interest in me before (I've never had a boyfriend or anything remotely close) and I don't see why he should be any different.



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12 Jan 2018, 12:46 pm

Not useless at all.


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12 Jan 2018, 1:20 pm

Nothing wrong with a woman making the first move, but take it slow, especially if he's shy. Start with asking him out for a cup of coffee or something else small and meaningless. If he says no, don't start to demand for a reason why. Just suggest again a little later. If he keeps saying no then he probably isn't interested. If he does say yes then start to get to know him outside of class and make sure he gets to know a little about you, too. Basic things like hobbies and such, normal small talk... or at least I think that's normal small talk.



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12 Jan 2018, 1:29 pm

SummerAndSmoke wrote:
If he were interested in me at all, wouldn't he have reached out to me outside of class (separate from the work we've done together) at some point? No guy has ever shown even the vaguest interest in me before (I've never had a boyfriend or anything remotely close) and I don't see why he should be any different.

It depends. Often when a guy asks a woman out she signaled some interest before. It can be a subtle flirting/eye contact thing. Maybe you don't do that and maybe guys don't ask you out because they think you are not interested. Usually I'd not ask that, but since we're on an autism forum I'll assume you are autistic too, so are you sure you'd notice it if a guy shows interest in you without being very obvious?
If his self-esteem isn't great he may be hesitant to ask someone out if he thinks he'll be rejected.


If you want to know if he is interested you'll have to let him know either directly or more subtly. Asking him out may be a risk, but you don't necessarily lose him as a scene partner if he's not interested in you as long as you accept it and don't make the situation any more awkward than it needs to be. If he might find you asking him out weird or creepy might depend on what country you're from. I don't think it'd be likely to be seen that way were I life - but I don't know if that's different elsewhere - unless you overreact in case you get rejected. If he is a decent guy he'll probably not be too rude about it.



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12 Jan 2018, 2:11 pm

When I was 22, I was still working in my retail job after graduating University and ended up talking with the younger sister of one of my coworkers (she was about 20). She eventually started working at the same store and we hit it off. It was obvious in hindsight she was into me but I had NO IDEA at the time and didn't want to risk embarrassing myself (I saved that for my late 20s/early 30s!). I also assumed she wasn't interested because she (or her sister: I knew her quite well) never hinted at asking me out and she could see that I was 'clearly' interested in her. We talked for hours on our breaks and she even told me some rather personal medical information. :doh: Oh well I can laugh about it now!

In other words the only reason that I never asked her out was because I had very low self-esteem at the time and felt I couldn't handle another rude female comment. Was I attracted to her? You bet! Go for it and if he says no, it likely has nothing to do with you.



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12 Jan 2018, 3:28 pm

SummerAndSmoke wrote:
I have a huge crush on someone in my acting class. I'm 25 and he's 33. This man is seriously everything.... not only is he handsome and brilliantly talented, he is by far one of the most interesting people I've ever met (very sensitive and unique spirit) and he's also just a very warm, generous guy. The level of detail in the work he brings in every week is inspiring to me, and I'm pretty overwhelmed by how incredible he is. Every time I see him, I become more and more attracted to him and it's reaching a point where I feel like I should probably do something about it. However, I'm feeling stuck because I don't know if making a move (me being female) is a very good idea. If I suddenly started texting or calling him in a social manner or asking him out to go places, I'm afraid he'd find it weird and creepy, and not want to work with me again. He is one of the most passionate and dedicated artists in the class and the worst thing I could do, obviously, would be to f**k everything up and lose him as a scene partner.

I first met him about 4 months ago at the start of the fall semester. Though he is gregarious and connects with people well (he works as a waiter), I get the sense from talking to him that he isn't the most confident guy on the planet. He definitely doesn't have great self-esteem, but I don't know if that would necessarily affect him in a dating context. If he were interested in me at all, wouldn't he have reached out to me outside of class (separate from the work we've done together) at some point? No guy has ever shown even the vaguest interest in me before (I've never had a boyfriend or anything remotely close) and I don't see why he should be any different.



It's a myth that men "choose" the women by asking them out.

Men "choose" often only the women (aka sking them out) from those who receive very obvious interest signs.

So you must make it obvious, ie. talking to him and asking for his facebook/number...etc.



SummerAndSmoke
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12 Jan 2018, 4:04 pm

Quote:
So you must make it obvious, ie. talking to him and asking for his facebook/number...etc.



Oh, I have his facebook/phone number. We've worked together in class and rehearsed multiple times in both his apartment and mine. He's always quite friendly and chatty when we see each other, but no more friendly and chatty than I imagine he would be with anyone he works with. It's just that I've never seen him show any signs of interest in me beyond classmates, which leads me to think there might be good chance he hasn't noticed me that way. When we first met, he was surprised when I mentioned that I was 25 years old. He seemed to think I was a good deal younger.... (I am an extremely petite girl with a young, childlike face, and people tend to mistake me for a college freshman/recent high school graduate.) Also, when we were rehearsing once, he said he was having trouble finding the character that day because he was feeling "shy and inhibited" around me. I've been working a lot on my social skills this past year, but that little piece of feedback has me worried. Maybe I do something without realizing it that makes him uncomfortable and ill at ease....



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12 Jan 2018, 4:15 pm

SummerAndSmoke wrote:
I have a huge crush on someone in my acting class. I'm 25 and he's 33. This man is seriously everything.... not only is he handsome and brilliantly talented, he is by far one of the most interesting people I've ever met (very sensitive and unique spirit) and he's also just a very warm, generous guy. The level of detail in the work he brings in every week is inspiring to me, and I'm pretty overwhelmed by how incredible he is. Every time I see him, I become more and more attracted to him and it's reaching a point where I feel like I should probably do something about it. However, I'm feeling stuck because I don't know if making a move (me being female) is a very good idea. If I suddenly started texting or calling him in a social manner or asking him out to go places, I'm afraid he'd find it weird and creepy, and not want to work with me again. He is one of the most passionate and dedicated artists in the class and the worst thing I could do, obviously, would be to f**k everything up and lose him as a scene partner.

I first met him about 4 months ago at the start of the fall semester. Though he is gregarious and connects with people well (he works as a waiter), I get the sense from talking to him that he isn't the most confident guy on the planet. He definitely doesn't have great self-esteem, but I don't know if that would necessarily affect him in a dating context. If he were interested in me at all, wouldn't he have reached out to me outside of class (separate from the work we've done together) at some point? No guy has ever shown even the vaguest interest in me before (I've never had a boyfriend or anything remotely close) and I don't see why he should be any different.


I suppose you could ask him out for coffee after class but just be careful he's not a sociopath. People, even healthy ones, are single at 33 for many reasons but the charasmatic ones are suspect, particularly good looking charasmatic ones. Though he may also be gay (yes men, women think like this) I knew a man as such. He was not good looking but his personality was such that it did not make sense that he did not appear to be married. I speculated that he was gay and was correct. For someone on the spectrum I have awfully good "gaydar".



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12 Jan 2018, 4:20 pm

SummerAndSmoke wrote:
Quote:
So you must make it obvious, ie. talking to him and asking for his facebook/number...etc.



Oh, I have his facebook/phone number. We've worked together in class and rehearsed multiple times in both his apartment and mine. He's always quite friendly and chatty when we see each other, but no more friendly and chatty than I imagine he would be with anyone he works with. It's just that I've never seen him show any signs of interest in me beyond classmates, which leads me to think there might be good chance he hasn't noticed me that way. When we first met, he was surprised when I mentioned that I was 25 years old. He seemed to think I was a good deal younger.... (I am an extremely petite girl with a young, childlike face, and people tend to mistake me for a college freshman/recent high school graduate.) Also, when we were rehearsing once, he said he was having trouble finding the character that day because he was feeling "shy and inhibited" around me. I've been working a lot on my social skills this past year, but that little piece of feedback has me worried. Maybe I do something without realizing it that makes him uncomfortable and ill at ease....

"Shy and inhibited" might be a subtle invitation for you to express whether or not you're interested. I agree with other posters - there's nothing in the world wrong with asking a guy if he'd like to go for coffee. Men almost always have to take this risk, and if nothing else, it would let him know for sure that you think he's worth your time and effort. Even if it's a no-go, it's still a lovely compliment for him, and it seems like he's the kind of guy who could use a compliment.


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12 Jan 2018, 9:04 pm

SummerAndSmoke wrote:
However, I'm feeling stuck because I don't know if making a move (me being female) is a very good idea.

It's 2018, go for it.


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12 Jan 2018, 10:27 pm

It really depends on how much you value you him as your "scene partner" versus the possible benefits you might derive from him being something more than that. If you ask him out, there is always the risk that you will scare him off. However, if successful, the reward could be great and so you have to choose to take a gamble, or not. There's no way around asking him out or not, no half measure. He'll probably already know that you are interested and maybe he's just waiting for you to make a move.



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12 Jan 2018, 11:19 pm

I always do the asking. Anyone I’ve been with, I’ve initiated.

You’re better off asking then being sure than not asking and always wondering - depending on the circumstance. If it’s a job it’s a risk but recreational activities are a bit safer.

I don’t see how you can lose by asking, if he says no, it would have still been a no if you didn’t ask, with the added complication of you not knowing it’s a no.



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13 Jan 2018, 2:48 am

Chronos wrote:
SummerAndSmoke wrote:
I have a huge crush on someone in my acting class. I'm 25 and he's 33. This man is seriously everything.... not only is he handsome and brilliantly talented, he is by far one of the most interesting people I've ever met (very sensitive and unique spirit) and he's also just a very warm, generous guy. The level of detail in the work he brings in every week is inspiring to me, and I'm pretty overwhelmed by how incredible he is. Every time I see him, I become more and more attracted to him and it's reaching a point where I feel like I should probably do something about it. However, I'm feeling stuck because I don't know if making a move (me being female) is a very good idea. If I suddenly started texting or calling him in a social manner or asking him out to go places, I'm afraid he'd find it weird and creepy, and not want to work with me again. He is one of the most passionate and dedicated artists in the class and the worst thing I could do, obviously, would be to f**k everything up and lose him as a scene partner.

I first met him about 4 months ago at the start of the fall semester. Though he is gregarious and connects with people well (he works as a waiter), I get the sense from talking to him that he isn't the most confident guy on the planet. He definitely doesn't have great self-esteem, but I don't know if that would necessarily affect him in a dating context. If he were interested in me at all, wouldn't he have reached out to me outside of class (separate from the work we've done together) at some point? No guy has ever shown even the vaguest interest in me before (I've never had a boyfriend or anything remotely close) and I don't see why he should be any different.


I suppose you could ask him out for coffee after class but just be careful he's not a sociopath. People, even healthy ones, are single at 33 for many reasons but the charasmatic ones are suspect, particularly good looking charasmatic ones. Though he may also be gay (yes men, women think like this) I knew a man as such. He was not good looking but his personality was such that it did not make sense that he did not appear to be married. I speculated that he was gay and was correct. For someone on the spectrum I have awfully good "gaydar".


Honestly, I find your way of thinking there ridiculous and extremely outdated (hello, some choose not to marry).

And now suddenly you speak for all women and yet you get triggered when a man here generalizes about all women? This is hypocrite.

OP, the probability that he is sociopath is very very low; most humans are not sociopath - maybe 1 per million even among singles, it’s so rare even among the single good looking ones.
Also homosexuality is a much more rare orientation than heterosexuality.

So go for it and ask him out for coffee, don’t listen to the fear-mongering.



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13 Jan 2018, 4:12 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Chronos wrote:
SummerAndSmoke wrote:
I have a huge crush on someone in my acting class. I'm 25 and he's 33. This man is seriously everything.... not only is he handsome and brilliantly talented, he is by far one of the most interesting people I've ever met (very sensitive and unique spirit) and he's also just a very warm, generous guy. The level of detail in the work he brings in every week is inspiring to me, and I'm pretty overwhelmed by how incredible he is. Every time I see him, I become more and more attracted to him and it's reaching a point where I feel like I should probably do something about it. However, I'm feeling stuck because I don't know if making a move (me being female) is a very good idea. If I suddenly started texting or calling him in a social manner or asking him out to go places, I'm afraid he'd find it weird and creepy, and not want to work with me again. He is one of the most passionate and dedicated artists in the class and the worst thing I could do, obviously, would be to f**k everything up and lose him as a scene partner.

I first met him about 4 months ago at the start of the fall semester. Though he is gregarious and connects with people well (he works as a waiter), I get the sense from talking to him that he isn't the most confident guy on the planet. He definitely doesn't have great self-esteem, but I don't know if that would necessarily affect him in a dating context. If he were interested in me at all, wouldn't he have reached out to me outside of class (separate from the work we've done together) at some point? No guy has ever shown even the vaguest interest in me before (I've never had a boyfriend or anything remotely close) and I don't see why he should be any different.


I suppose you could ask him out for coffee after class but just be careful he's not a sociopath. People, even healthy ones, are single at 33 for many reasons but the charasmatic ones are suspect, particularly good looking charasmatic ones. Though he may also be gay (yes men, women think like this) I knew a man as such. He was not good looking but his personality was such that it did not make sense that he did not appear to be married. I speculated that he was gay and was correct. For someone on the spectrum I have awfully good "gaydar".


Your way of thinking is ridiculous and extremely outdated (hello, some choose not to marry),
honestly.


I think you missed this part.

Chronos said wrote:
People, even healthy ones, are single at 33 for many reasons


The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
And now suddenly you speak for all women and yet you get triggered when a man here generalizes about all women? This is hypocrite.


No. I don't object to generalization in general. There are positive, neutral, and negative generalization and they are not equal. Though my memory may not serve me entirely correctly, or there may have been a time in the past where I have objected to positive or neutral generalization, I don't recall objecting to anything but negative generalizations, such as those generalizations that seek to vilify, defame, attack, or misrepresent the male or female demographic as a whole when those demographics as a whole are not accurately represented by such accusations. For example "Women are shallow" "women are gold diggers" "women are irrational" "women only date the top 20% of guys", "men are jerks" "men are rapists" "men are stupid" "men just want sex". There are negative generalizations and there are neutral and positive generalizations and they are not equal. There are also generalizations that are reflective of the majority of a group or demographic. One such generalization would be "Japanese people have black hair".


The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
OP, the probability that he is sociopath is very low; most humans are not sociopath, even the good looking ones. Also homosexuality is a much more rare orientation than hetero. So go for it and ask him out for coffee, don’t listen to the fear-mongering.


The probability of sociopathy is low, though higher in some groups (CEOs, politicians, doctors though those sociopaths tend to be functional sociopaths). It's not fear mongering to tell someone to take a little bit of caution. I did not tell her to avoid him. I've told men here similar things of women in some instances as those of us on the spectrum are more likely to be victimized by others due to more difficulty reading non-verbal body language and social cues and so on.

There's no shame in asking someone out when you don't know their sexuality.



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13 Jan 2018, 4:27 am

Chronos wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Chronos wrote:
SummerAndSmoke wrote:
I have a huge crush on someone in my acting class. I'm 25 and he's 33. This man is seriously everything.... not only is he handsome and brilliantly talented, he is by far one of the most interesting people I've ever met (very sensitive and unique spirit) and he's also just a very warm, generous guy. The level of detail in the work he brings in every week is inspiring to me, and I'm pretty overwhelmed by how incredible he is. Every time I see him, I become more and more attracted to him and it's reaching a point where I feel like I should probably do something about it. However, I'm feeling stuck because I don't know if making a move (me being female) is a very good idea. If I suddenly started texting or calling him in a social manner or asking him out to go places, I'm afraid he'd find it weird and creepy, and not want to work with me again. He is one of the most passionate and dedicated artists in the class and the worst thing I could do, obviously, would be to f**k everything up and lose him as a scene partner.

I first met him about 4 months ago at the start of the fall semester. Though he is gregarious and connects with people well (he works as a waiter), I get the sense from talking to him that he isn't the most confident guy on the planet. He definitely doesn't have great self-esteem, but I don't know if that would necessarily affect him in a dating context. If he were interested in me at all, wouldn't he have reached out to me outside of class (separate from the work we've done together) at some point? No guy has ever shown even the vaguest interest in me before (I've never had a boyfriend or anything remotely close) and I don't see why he should be any different.


I suppose you could ask him out for coffee after class but just be careful he's not a sociopath. People, even healthy ones, are single at 33 for many reasons but the charasmatic ones are suspect, particularly good looking charasmatic ones. Though he may also be gay (yes men, women think like this) I knew a man as such. He was not good looking but his personality was such that it did not make sense that he did not appear to be married. I speculated that he was gay and was correct. For someone on the spectrum I have awfully good "gaydar".


Your way of thinking is ridiculous and extremely outdated (hello, some choose not to marry),
honestly.


I think you missed this part.

Chronos said wrote:
People, even healthy ones, are single at 33 for many reasons


The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
And now suddenly you speak for all women and yet you get triggered when a man here generalizes about all women? This is hypocrite.


No. I don't object to generalization in general. There are positive, neutral, and negative generalization and they are not equal. Though my memory may not serve me entirely correctly, or there may have been a time in the past where I have objected to positive or neutral generalization, I don't recall objecting to anything but negative generalizations, such as those generalizations that seek to vilify, defame, attack, or misrepresent the male or female demographic as a whole when those demographics as a whole are not accurately represented by such accusations. For example "Women are shallow" "women are gold diggers" "women are irrational" "women only date the top 20% of guys", "men are jerks" "men are rapists" "men are stupid" "men just want sex". There are negative generalizations and there are neutral and positive generalizations and they are not equal. There are also generalizations that are reflective of the majority of a group or demographic. One such generalization would be "Japanese people have black hair".


The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
OP, the probability that he is sociopath is very low; most humans are not sociopath, even the good looking ones. Also homosexuality is a much more rare orientation than hetero. So go for it and ask him out for coffee, don’t listen to the fear-mongering.


The probability of sociopathy is low, though higher in some groups (CEOs, politicians, doctors though those sociopaths tend to be functional sociopaths). It's not fear mongering to tell someone to take a little bit of caution. I did not tell her to avoid him. I've told men here similar things of women in some instances as those of us on the spectrum are more likely to be victimized by others due to more difficulty reading non-verbal body language and social cues and so on.

There's no shame in asking someone out when you don't know their sexuality.


Your generalization about handsome single men was negative, dear, if you are failing to even see that then you’re way more out of touch than I thought.