Am I asexual?

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Wasn't sure where to post this, so my apologies if it's in the wrong section~

Okay so, first off; I'm a 30 year old male. I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome when I was 10 years old.

I like labels. They make it easier for me to understand and categorise the world.

I'm trying to decide what my sexuality label is. I will try to explain my feelings as best I can:

Fundamentally, I don't understand the purpose of having a romantic or sexual relationship with someone. I have absolutely no desire to find a life partner, and have equally little interest in sex. It seems like a pointless waste of time AND money (although, I do appreciate that it will eventually lead to the sharing of resources, which may be beneficial in the long-term)

I am very soft-spoken, and as such people tend to describe me as 'quiet' and 'shy', but once I become comfortable with people I've been known to be kinda cheeky and flirtatious (I will sometimes flirt with both both guys and girls, just for fun really because I don't want a relationship with anyone).

I have had sex. Once with a female prostitute, and then with four different males I met online (uni was a very experimental time for me). The prostitute was a result of me going through a phase of feeling pressured to be "normal", and the males were just for testing purposes of course (*ahem*).

I found all of these sexual experiences to be rewarding on some level, but those rewards were not great enough to warrant putting any significant amount of effort into pursuing them. I've seen enough to deem it an inefficient use of my time.

All that experimentation happened 9~ years ago, and I haven't had any desire to date or have sex since then. It's just not worth it.

I do masturbate, maybe once or twice per week (or more, if I'm having trouble getting to sleep) but I don't spend long doing it. Maybe like 5-10 minutes, and then once I'm finished I can go to sleep more easily.

So, based on this awkwardly in-depth description of my life;

would you agree that I am probably asexual* ?

*Definition: Asexual, "a person who has no sexual feelings or desires."

based on your description, I think you fit into the range of asexual experiences. You might be more along the lines of the greysexual identities if you really analyze it but generally those are considered subsets of asexuality in some ace communities.

However, what I say or anyone says doesn't matter. If you lack the interest in sex, and say "I am asexual" then to me... that's who you are. The only time that a person's self identification in this area wouldn't be valid is if they were actually a rabid horndog with tons of sexual attraction to others... in which case they'd be celibate.

As a fellow label liker I offer the following criteria to help you decide if the label fits:
Do you feel that labeling yourself asexual would help you know yourself or to feel happier?
Do you think that explaining to others that you are asexual would help them to understand your experience better?
Do you lack desire for sexual relationships with other people (you've already said you do above)?

If those three questions are yes... then use the label to explain yourself. One of my personal views on identity is that a person mostly should be able to choose their own identity labels as long as they're based on facts that they believe within their own mind. It's not up to anyone else to reject or accept those labels.

I'd say yes. I pretty much agree with what the above poster said. If you feel like you don't need relationships or sex, you could describe yourself as asexual. You seem to have physical sexual attraction, though, unless you're masturbating to nothing. I don't think it really matters, so long as you have no desire to be in a relationship with others and no desire/need for sex with others.

It's kind of tricky with a lot of asexuals, because each person's asexuality seems to have its own "flavor" to it.

I would describe myself as asexual, but our difference lies in the fact I don't masturbate; I am actually strongly repulsed and disgusted by sex and romance, and it is for these reasons that I avoid sex and relationships. I can't even touch myself in a sexual way without feeling very disgusted. Often simply washing myself down there, touching it, or touching my own breasts, is traumatic. I also get super uncomfortable if anyone is too physically close to me.

However, once upon a time, I was interested in both sexes. Initially I was actually into girls, and was with many, both casually and seriously, then after turning 18 my desires shifted, I became more and more interested in guys, but remained interested in girls. Then after an extremely horrific abusive relationship with a guy, I became utterly asexual. Totally disinterested in relationships. Totally disinterested in sex. Completely disgusted by both, no matter which gender it has to do with.

I also lost all felt "need" for relationships. I used to feel bad when I wasn't in one, I used to feel horrible after breakups... to be honest, that's what got me in the really bad situation in the first place. I was too desperate for a relationship, so I ignored a bunch of red flags. Now I don't even want relationships, I don't miss them at all. I feel much better being single. Maybe with time I will heal enough that I will get over my trauma, but that seems like it's going to be the most difficult aspect of tackling what has been done to me. Repeat rape - and years of it - kind of kills the desire for sex.

On top of this, I don't really view myself as mentally sound enough to be in a relationship. Taking me in as a gf would be way too much extra baggage to share with anyone. I'd just wind up emotionally abusing them involuntarily. I have no need for validation anymore, no need for acceptance or approval. I literally just go through life doing as I wish and not giving a damn what other people think. That said, I tend to be nice to people, but the moment I disagree with something or don't like someone, I make it very known. That could easily make me bully a potential bf or gf into changing who they are, without even intending to. All it would require is them having less of a spine than me. On top of this, sometimes I have very bad or off days, though I have mostly stabilized. Sometimes I'm very cranky and just snap at everyone all day long.

Maybe years from now I will be back in the game. But for now I'm definitely going with "asexual" and liking it.

Don't worry too much about what other people think, or say, in regards to your sexuality. Asexuality is often misunderstood, and people who are into sex and relationships, are often people who can't conceive of someone actually not wanting them at all.

Also sorry for just talking about myself a whole lot... lol. Do you guys think one can "turn" asexual, despite a very not-asexual past, or vice versa? Many people do think that sexuality can be pretty fluid, I certainly would agree with that.

in my opinion, identity labels are our own first. For those of us who chose to use them, they are what we use to describe ourselves to us and those around us. If you say that you're Asexual today, then it's true. You know you better than anyone else does unless somehow you are impaired in your self perceptual abilities, but even then others should probably differ to your labels unless you ask for their help.

Sexuality is almost certainly fluid for people. It hasn't been especially fluid for me since early adulthood, but I've known people who identify their personal sexuality experience as having been fluid. Because I tend to trust the labels that people give themselves, I believe that fluidity in sexuality exists.

Have you thought you might be gray-asexual?

Aromantic and grey-ace.