Worried about online friend who hasn't responded in a week

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hale_bopp
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15 Jan 2018, 6:25 pm

Seems like she just has other priorities at the moment based on that message, which is good news. You can just focus on other things until she gets back to you.



super boy 44
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16 Jan 2018, 12:36 am

hale_bopp wrote:
Seems like she just has other priorities at the moment based on that message, which is good news. You can just focus on other things until she gets back to you.


It's just the fact that she won't even send me a quick message & that it's been more than a week already. I tried every few days sending a message asking how she is, & she doesn't even read the message. It is my only friend that I consider my best friend. I been feeling very lonely lately due to it. It's been over a month since we used to speak daily, but even publicly on a fictional story she writes she said in the notes that a lot has been going on lately, apologizing for the delay in the update, so it's definitely not just me. I still worry that she may not care to speak to me much or misses me at all.



hale_bopp
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16 Jan 2018, 11:33 am

super boy 44 wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
Seems like she just has other priorities at the moment based on that message, which is good news. You can just focus on other things until she gets back to you.


It's just the fact that she won't even send me a quick message & that it's been more than a week already. I tried every few days sending a message asking how she is, & she doesn't even read the message. It is my only friend that I consider my best friend. I been feeling very lonely lately due to it. It's been over a month since we used to speak daily, but even publicly on a fictional story she writes she said in the notes that a lot has been going on lately, apologizing for the delay in the update, so it's definitely not just me. I still worry that she may not care to speak to me much or misses me at all.


I think the problem is you are bestowing too much value on something you probably shouldn’t. We all do it, but it never brings us happiness in the end. Time helps, and trying to move on from the expectation of this online person always being there is the only healthy way forward I can see.

It doesn’t mean you can’t talk to her still, but you need something else in your life. It won’t be easy for upto a month, but you will get through.

It’s a matter of not letting the dependency grow again and get out of hand.

She probably still likes you, but doesn’t bestow that same value on you as opposed to you on her.

What do you like doing? Do you work?



super boy 44
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16 Jan 2018, 11:58 am

hale_bopp wrote:
super boy 44 wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
Seems like she just has other priorities at the moment based on that message, which is good news. You can just focus on other things until she gets back to you.


It's just the fact that she won't even send me a quick message & that it's been more than a week already. I tried every few days sending a message asking how she is, & she doesn't even read the message. It is my only friend that I consider my best friend. I been feeling very lonely lately due to it. It's been over a month since we used to speak daily, but even publicly on a fictional story she writes she said in the notes that a lot has been going on lately, apologizing for the delay in the update, so it's definitely not just me. I still worry that she may not care to speak to me much or misses me at all.


I think the problem is you are bestowing too much value on something you probably shouldn’t. We all do it, but it never brings us happiness in the end. Time helps, and trying to move on from the expectation of this online person always being there is the only healthy way forward I can see.

It doesn’t mean you can’t talk to her still, but you need something else in your life. It won’t be easy for upto a month, but you will get through.

It’s a matter of not letting the dependency grow again and get out of hand.

She probably still likes you, but doesn’t bestow that same value on you as opposed to you on her.

What do you like doing? Do you work?


I want to be patient & it probably isn't as big of a deal as I make it out to be, but the anxiety I have causes me to really overthink out interactions & friendship. I don't care to much about this situation when I'm around my family, this usually really gets to me when I'm alone at home or something. I probably also wouldn't care too much if I didn't like her in a romantic way (which she tells me she understands I do, but she isn't a romantic person herself)

I have a drawing of her I been working on for over a month mainly due to contemplating whether she'll appreciate it or not due to the spotty communication between us during that time frame I wanted to send it. I started it because she is special to me. Ironically I started it during our last normal week.

She tells me I'm a genuine friend to her & really wants our relationship to keep going but I don't think she feels that way or cares. She is not a very emotional person partially due to pdd nos.

I go to school though mainly take online classes due to living about half an hour away from my school & being unable to drive due to a vision disability, which in turn makes me stuck at home unless I absolutely have to go out. I don't have a real job and never had one due to fear of being fired or something, despite knowing myself that I'm a hard worker & I really want a job. I enjoy gaming, making videos, designing games (I'm in a club at school but barely meet with it much anymore due to living very far), watching tv every now & then, drawing, as well as a few outdoor things like fishing & swimming when I'm taken to an area that has that available. As well as various other things, I'm an overall appreciative person. I don't like crazy parties, drugs, bars, drinking, etc. Never done those things either.



hale_bopp
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16 Jan 2018, 1:36 pm

Why not try to connect to some other people online in the mean time? Facebook groups are a good way to do this. It might help with situations when your family is not around.

A part time job or volunteer day might be good for you, too. It forces you to be around people.

One thing that helps is mindfulness. When you feel thoughts about her creep in, breathe, look around you, smell the air and notice where you are. That is your reality, try to put a thought on top like “what is something nice I can eat”, “what game can I play”, “what about a relaxing warm nap”..



super boy 44
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17 Jan 2018, 4:59 am

hale_bopp wrote:
Why not try to connect to some other people online in the mean time? Facebook groups are a good way to do this. It might help with situations when your family is not around.

A part time job or volunteer day might be good for you, too. It forces you to be around people.

One thing that helps is mindfulness. When you feel thoughts about her creep in, breathe, look around you, smell the air and notice where you are. That is your reality, try to put a thought on top like “what is something nice I can eat”, “what game can I play”, “what about a relaxing warm nap”..


The thing is, I get too attached to a single person at a time once we seem to hit it off. As much as I would like trying to find a different person to talk to. I don't really use facebook all that much except for looking at messages for the school club I'm in.

I have a tendency to think about many things at once. I'll play a game, or do hw, then I think about this girl. I barely sleep due to thinking about her and have dreams about her.



super boy 44
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18 Jan 2018, 1:05 am

Still no response from her. It is now a week & a half, officially the longest time I went without her contacting me. I'm up at 1 am now unable to sleep with horrible thoughts in my head, my head feeling really numb like I have a headache, my head is pounding, I'm very angry now wanting to ram my head into a wall, and wanting to throw my phone out the window or smash it with a hammer. I have severe anxiety that causes me to overthink everything. I'm starting to really question my friendship (so called) with this girl. I haven't had a good night sleep in days. Come to think of it, even whenever she does respond, I still question our friendship, etc. and deep down have been for over 2 months already. When I try to be nice to people and care, it never seems to work or get reciprocated, but if I do something that seems remotely mean, I'm called out for it & regarded as rude. A person can't be completely busy. If I am, I still find a way to get back to someone.



super boy 44
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19 Jan 2018, 3:48 pm

Still no response. Hasn't even read my messages asking how she is or if everything's okay, yet is constantly online on messenger. She still hasn't even been on Discord for 3 weeks. Hasn't even sent my gift like she said she would last week at the earliest.



super boy 44
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06 Feb 2018, 11:22 pm

Well, it's been a month already. She still hasn't gotten on discord but always seems to be online on facebook and occasionally posts pictures of things. She still hasn't even sent the Christmas gift she supposedly got for me as I never got it, despite her already receiving mine in December. When I asked last month just to make sure she sent to the right address, she read the message & that was the last message she read from me. I feel very hurt that she suddenly went cold on me. My mom tells me to be patient ecause maybe she could be going through something but I kinda want to block her, etc. cause she could be lying.

My experience with her only makes me trust people less and hate people more. I'll never have a close friend or relationship. It's like anyone that talks to me, especially in person, they sense that something's odd with me & try distancing themselves.



hale_bopp
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08 Feb 2018, 2:29 pm

It’s time to give up I think, you have become a non priority. It happens. She won’t hate you, she’s just lost interest. Sucks though.

The best thing to do is not block her but just back off and get on with your life. I would stay off messenger for a while.



super boy 44
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09 Feb 2018, 7:54 am

hale_bopp wrote:
It’s time to give up I think, you have become a non priority. It happens. She won’t hate you, she’s just lost interest. Sucks though.

The best thing to do is not block her but just back off and get on with your life. I would stay off messenger for a while.


It's sucks to do this as she was my only friend. I feel like there's an underlying issue that she refuses to mention as to why she doesn't talk to me anymore. I feel like she really talks about me to other people & calls me a stalker or something.

I feel like if I unfriend her she wouldn't notice, but I want to remove all traces of her from my memory. I do need to use messenger for other people as well. I wonder if maybe she blocked me? The messages get delivered but she never reads them. I don't know how to tell if I'm blocked on that or my phone number. She doesn't go on discord anymore but I feel like she does, but uses invisible mode.

I noticed the last message she read from me was last month when I asked if she was able to send my gift and had the correct address. Maybe she has something to tell me regarding that but is too scared. I still never received it.



AquaineBay
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09 Feb 2018, 7:47 pm

It is best to stop. I have literally just got done dealing with a very similar situation to yours. I didn't know anything that was going on with my friend either but I can tell you, if you keep messaging her and wondering about her it will most likely end badly!

I am sorry you have to go through this, I felt terrible at the end of mine and was confused and my self-esteem plummeted to a really low spot. If you don't stop there is a chance you might come out feeling even worse than you do right now.


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super boy 44
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10 Feb 2018, 2:47 am

AquaineBay wrote:
It is best to stop. I have literally just got done dealing with a very similar situation to yours. I didn't know anything that was going on with my friend either but I can tell you, if you keep messaging her and wondering about her it will most likely end badly!

I am sorry you have to go through this, I felt terrible at the end of mine and was confused and my self-esteem plummeted to a really low spot. If you don't stop there is a chance you might come out feeling even worse than you do right now.


I'd rather it end badly to be able to surely move on than be in limbo as she seems to be back to normal after the holidays, just doesn't want to talk to me. I'm sorry your friend did something like this as well. How did it end badly if you don't mind me asking?

I find it fishy that the last thing she read from me was me asking whether she was able to ship my christmas gift to the correct address yet. This tells me that there's probably something she doesn't want to tell me.



justRob
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10 Feb 2018, 1:51 pm

Sorry you are going through this. It really sucks. I think it's fair to say that when really bad things happen, we all get distracted with analysis and questioning and regrets. This cycle can make it harder to take care of ourselves. For me, and I think most people, the things that work are a) practicing mindfulness, to gain more control over where our minds focus and b) when we find something else that grabs our focus.

It sounds like you find b) in other things in life, like when you're busy or with your family, so that's good. But when you're alone with your thoughts, the strongest, most "grabby" ones are about your lost friendship and the negative thoughts that follow from it.

I'd recommend maybe learning mindfulness techniques (I recently read a book Why Buddhism is True that explained mindfulness meditation super well, highly recommended) and working hard to find a new personal connection or new interest that you can focus on. If this friend comes back and starts being open and communicating, then great! You'll still have this old friend and be working on new things and new skills too, and if you have your thoughts and focus more under control, you may put a little less pressure on her and your relationship and on yourself in your interactions. If she doesn't re-open your relationship, then you will be working on things you need to get over really hard things like being let down the way you were, and tackle the perseverating thoughts that are keeping you up at night and holding you back from focusing up on things that are positive for you in the present and future.

It's not easy but working on this stuff is a win-win. It's hard to give up on the old habits and people that made us happy, but something amazing I've found in life that as much as we miss people who have moved on from our lives, there are always new people we are yet to meet and connect with who will fill those voids even more than we ever knew anyone could. If you keep working on your own life, both internal and external stuff, and like others have said, keep working strategically to meet new people (especially the neurodivergent IMO), you will find new connections, and one day, maybe you will find one who stays in your life for good. But most will move in and out of your life, and as much as it hurts, that's OK, meeting and making connections with people is a skill you can develop literally your whole life, no matter what level you're at now. This connection may have been unique to you so far, but you can take what you've learned from it about yourself and other people (heartbreak and longing for someone you can't have is pretty universal, and I bet you can learn a lot by studying your own patterns of feelings through this life challenge), and make new connections, with some focus and work. And keep asking questions on the forum and looking for help when you get stuck, getting un-stuck from tough situations like this is hard or impossible by yourself, you've got to share feelings and get new perspectives sometimes to get un-trapped by cycles of thoughts and obsessions that hold you back from seeing what you need to do for your own well being and success.

I personally rely a lot on other people when I perseverate on bad things that have happened, even when I "know" what to do (meditate to regain focus, buckle down and stop checking whatever I'm obsessed with on ny phone) I have trouble breaking the cycle without talking to someone about it. Therapists can be good for this sort of thing, if they know aspies/auties, these forums of course have a lot of people ready to listen and share perspectives too.



super boy 44
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10 Feb 2018, 11:07 pm

An update, probably not a good one,I found through a forum that she got a new number, I'm also assuming a new discord account as well. Possibly to avoid me. Upon reading all that, it really messed my head up. I can't sleep now, etc.



super boy 44
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11 Feb 2018, 8:44 am

justRob wrote:
Sorry you are going through this. It really sucks. I think it's fair to say that when really bad things happen, we all get distracted with analysis and questioning and regrets. This cycle can make it harder to take care of ourselves. For me, and I think most people, the things that work are a) practicing mindfulness, to gain more control over where our minds focus and b) when we find something else that grabs our focus.

It sounds like you find b) in other things in life, like when you're busy or with your family, so that's good. But when you're alone with your thoughts, the strongest, most "grabby" ones are about your lost friendship and the negative thoughts that follow from it.

I'd recommend maybe learning mindfulness techniques (I recently read a book Why Buddhism is True that explained mindfulness meditation super well, highly recommended) and working hard to find a new personal connection or new interest that you can focus on. If this friend comes back and starts being open and communicating, then great! You'll still have this old friend and be working on new things and new skills too, and if you have your thoughts and focus more under control, you may put a little less pressure on her and your relationship and on yourself in your interactions. If she doesn't re-open your relationship, then you will be working on things you need to get over really hard things like being let down the way you were, and tackle the perseverating thoughts that are keeping you up at night and holding you back from focusing up on things that are positive for you in the present and future.

It's not easy but working on this stuff is a win-win. It's hard to give up on the old habits and people that made us happy, but something amazing I've found in life that as much as we miss people who have moved on from our lives, there are always new people we are yet to meet and connect with who will fill those voids even more than we ever knew anyone could. If you keep working on your own life, both internal and external stuff, and like others have said, keep working strategically to meet new people (especially the neurodivergent IMO), you will find new connections, and one day, maybe you will find one who stays in your life for good. But most will move in and out of your life, and as much as it hurts, that's OK, meeting and making connections with people is a skill you can develop literally your whole life, no matter what level you're at now. This connection may have been unique to you so far, but you can take what you've learned from it about yourself and other people (heartbreak and longing for someone you can't have is pretty universal, and I bet you can learn a lot by studying your own patterns of feelings through this life challenge), and make new connections, with some focus and work. And keep asking questions on the forum and looking for help when you get stuck, getting un-stuck from tough situations like this is hard or impossible by yourself, you've got to share feelings and get new perspectives sometimes to get un-trapped by cycles of thoughts and obsessions that hold you back from seeing what you need to do for your own well being and success.

I personally rely a lot on other people when I perseverate on bad things that have happened, even when I "know" what to do (meditate to regain focus, buckle down and stop checking whatever I'm obsessed with on ny phone) I have trouble breaking the cycle without talking to someone about it. Therapists can be good for this sort of thing, if they know aspies/auties, these forums of course have a lot of people ready to listen and share perspectives too.


Wow, thank you for taking this time to post this. The most valid advice in my opinion. I actually found out last night through a forum she posts on that she recently got a new number and I assume a new Discord account. This was after another friend of hers was worried of her disappearance. Reading that just messed my head up last night and kept me up for hours. I have an account on that site and would like to really confront her about this. I want to get to the bottom of it so I sent a message on that site so I know she'll be on it. Or should I have not done this?

Yes, when I am alone I start really thinking about her & obsessively checking to see if she's online on messenger & seeing if she finally read my message.

I do go to school but mostly take online courses so that leads me to be home mostly. I am in a school club that doesn't meet very often either. So my chances of meeting people are very slim.

I just hate that she decided to just stop communicating for no valid reason.