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casperround
Emu Egg
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Joined: 18 Jan 2018
Gender: Male
Posts: 1
Location: United Kingdom

18 Jan 2018, 5:34 am

Let me first start off with, I'm new here. first post - Don't know where else to go.
I've been diagnosed with aspergers at the age of 4, I live in England - Kent, in a nice home with a wide open field. Yes it was a good environment to grow up in, But what I've found is people don't always treat you the same way growing up and acknowledging you have aspergers/hyper sensitivity.
Growing up in secondary school around age 15-16 at home, my mum was very supportive. Shes always gone to the doctors with me, helped me with allot of things. I'm very capable of doing things my self such as teaching my self to code websites/apps/games etc. But when ever it came to doing something that involved going to public she always helped me.

I've just started realizing though after the past 3 years, from struggling through secondary, dropping out of college then doing a 1 year apprenticeship in 2 years - Yes its been like hell, the amount of times I've just wanted an easy way out. But yeah its done now. But over that time. I just feel so dead, I actually just dont see any meaning in my life anymore. The projects I've started and not finished because of my state of mind. The amount of girls that have mentally used me, screwed me around - And found out they had another boyfriend, honestly - I don't even feel like I have my heart anymore, its just that constant heart break pain everytime I go to sleep and wake up.

I'm 20 now. As soon as I hit that number, i've just sunk lower and lower and lower. My mum threatens to kick me out all the time if I don't do something she asks, as simple as tidying my room. Yes I know its simple. But being hyper sensitive with aspergers - I hope I'm not the only one that can relate to this. As soon as she threatens to kick me out for the numerous amounts of times. I just feel frozen dead. It just makes me feel so unwelcome at home, I don't even feel safe here anymore. And then I start panicking, thinking what the hell am I going to do if they kick me out for real again.
I just want them to see what its like in my shoes for a day at least. The stress I go through every day, and for them to understand that if I cannot do a simple task, its not because I CBA, but because Im in such a s**t mindset. And over thinking about getting kicked out. I'm bed bound and have been since the beginning of christmas... I'm that low that I'm realizing how low I am, because I'm in bed all the time, I dont even do anything I just rest my eyes.

Yes I do, do things in my spare time. I code, and design my own websites - and apps. I'm setting up a UK Cloud Crypto Mining company with my friend.

I feel as if I'm not here, but just a fragment of reality. It doesn't help having only two close friends who tend to only come and see you for a weed smoke up. Which in turn has made me such an addict to weed, and yes I can admit it. I wake up every morning and smoke, just wanting a release of stress and anxiety.

All my friends have vanished, to uni or god knows where that I knew in secondary. The only two people I see are those stoners who I use to go to my secondary with.

It just hurts, I feel so unwelcome, so unloved in my house I grew up in. My collie I grew up with passed away 2 years ago. She was the only thing I could connect to growing up with aspergers.
Even when ever I talk to my father or mother about how I feel, they just straight away acuse me of wanting self pity. or even say I'm wanting attention like an attention seeker. I just don't know anymore... My hearts been torn out a thousand times and thrown on the floor infront of me. My friends have all gone, I'm very depressed. I have 0 motivation, I cant even get a job because I'm so hyper sensitive and anxious. Don't even ask how I passed my apprenticeship... But all this for what? To get constantly treated like s**t by my two parents as soon as I hit 20, like they think my aspergers has just gone after turning 20???



LittleCoyoteKat
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Joined: 28 Dec 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 520
Location: California

28 Jan 2018, 3:18 am

Between 17 and 18 my parents threatened to kick me out more times than I could count, over the stupidest things. They were taking their hate and abuse of each other out on me. At 18, I snapped, and when she threatened me again I left. I took only the clothes on my back, and went to live with someone temporarily. Eventually I got an apartment.

Things got crazy for a little while. But I survived and I wouldn't change the fact that I more or less called her bluff. She refuses to admit she told me to "Get the f**k out and don't come back", ever, and especially that night. After a year of not speaking to her, her stance changed considerably.
We aren't close, but she's far more agreeable than she ever was before.

I can't really offer any comfort or advice. I didn't grow up in a nice house, with a nice family, in a nice neighborhood. I grew up in an old house that is still falling apart at the seams (literally), with a mean and psychologically disturbed on deep levels family, in a ghetto where dead bodies were found in gutters 3 days after they'd been shot.

I hope this issue resolves for you and the resolution is a good one.


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