Page 1 of 1 [ 7 posts ] 

wrongcitizen
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 22 Oct 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 696

19 Jan 2018, 2:21 am

Sorry for a harsh title but it tells the truth. Maybe I just have low confidence or high anxiety (both partially true) but I sort of look goofy as hell when I'm in a public place on my own. I always look confused and clueless or nervous. I like going around and seeing things but I can't really do so without feeling judged by everyone. It may not be true, and I'm told not to care what people think, and I would like to do so, but at the same time it's pretty difficult when my emotions just seem to act on their own and I panic. I also get afraid of giving someone the wrong look and suddenly getting punched, because plenty of people have done that to me. They get in trouble obviously, and I technically "win" in the end, but I'd rather spare my face beforehand. The famous accidental "staring" from Aspergers doesn't help either, people think I'm the one after them and get on the offensive, even in a store or something. Why do I stare at people? I see other kinds of people who give off an air of security and self-reliance and I desire to be like them but have no effective means of reaching that goal.

But even beyond that, I feel uncomfortable in general. It's as if I want to be guided somehow, I need something to do or show, or have some sort of excuse. I don't know what to do with myself, my hands, body, face, etc. I get confused and overwhelmed by stupid things like signs, people, paintings, colors, and other times I have to fight not to shut down. I can be walking down a sidewalk and I get nervousness and pressure from just that simple task that I fold in on myself. I stutter, apologize constantly, and I'm afraid of confrontation. I care about all the hidden "cues" that I may be missing. Someone might even be scanning my entire brain through all my signals of fear and anxiety and my every thought and I can't do anything back to them without taking a course on reading people or understanding social cues for 2 years. I wish I could be more confident and self-dependent, but I don't have a reliable strategy to develop those skills.

What would be your advice is essentially what I'm asking. How would I come about developing a better "carrying of myself". I want to look a little more confident and self assured if I'm somewhere alone for example, I don't want to look like I'm playing with my hands constantly or sucking my lip, trembling, playing with pens or just constantly moving my hands around, in my pockets, out, walking in circles, confused, chaotic, etc. Also, when I get in conversation, I want to be more firm and reveal less about myself to other people. Confidence isn't entirely what I'm looking for, but more like I want to give off signals of security and passiveness (as in I don't want people to think I'm looking for OR avoiding trouble).



Joe90
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 26,492
Location: UK

21 Jan 2018, 2:40 pm

I can't really offer much advice, but I do feel the same. My self-conscious feelings are sometimes so bad that I avoid going out during rush hour times when there's bound to be more people in a rush and more traffic.

I know I go out dressed trendy enough to blend in, and I don't stim or do anything out of the ordinary, but I still feel like I attract unwanted attention. I avoid eye contact with strangers when I'm in public settings, so I know I don't unintentionally stare at people. But I can still see in my periphery if they are staring at me. Even when I'm sitting in the bus, and looking straight ahead, I see people passing in the street looking into the window as if they are judging me, and when I turn my head to see if they really are staring at me, I find that they ARE! It's not like I have anything to attract people; my hair is light brown, my clothes are fashionable but not gothic or hipster or anything else 'different' from the general trend of today, and you can only see me from my chest upwards in the bus window so I don't see what it is that they have to stare at. I'd understand it if I dyed my hair bright green and dressed oddly and sitting there waving at people or pulling weird faces, but I DON'T, and I KNOW I don't. I am self-aware enough to know how to present myself in public and my AS is mild enough to be masked and look no different to the next person.

Also I often hear strangers making unnecessary comments about what I'm doing. Like the other day I got on the bus and sat down, and I leaned slightly to the side to take my bag off, then I straightened out my coat a little. And then I heard a couple behind me one of them saying, "get comfy" to her partner and then they laughed. These were middle-aged people, not children or teenagers. I just think that is so unnecessary to say that, especially within earshot. A few years ago I used to be so afraid to do anything because I felt people were watching and observing me, so I would just sit on the bus and not move a muscle until I got off, no matter how uncomfortable I felt. Then one day I decided that nobody really sees or cares what I do, so I started to focus on myself and not others. And then I get THAT happen to me! :roll: So that proves that people DO notice everything I do. Which is why I hardly go out unless I have to. When I'm in mine or my boyfriend's house, I feel safe, like nobody can judge me.


_________________
Female


ZZZTired
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 23 Jan 2018
Gender: Male
Posts: 476
Location: Awake from a good night's rest

29 Jan 2018, 5:20 pm

Many times has that happened to me.



AspieSingleDad
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Sep 2017
Gender: Male
Posts: 657

29 Jan 2018, 8:27 pm

My advice for you might seem kind of strange, but it's worked for me. I'd recommend watching movies you think you'll enjoy that have a protagonist you'd like to be like. A movie or tv show where the main character has good social skills, etc. A good example is I'm a huge Pysch fan, and the main character does an extremely good job of using exaggerated social interactions with people, including facial expressions and excellent annunciation and change in pitch and tone. If you can watch stuff like that multiple times and attempt to mimic it, and build a database of "lines" from it, you can actually use that in real conversation.

What you do is you take what you learn from the movie or TV show and than you "make it your own". You can change portions of the line or deliver it in your own style. So, as an example, you enter a room of coworkers and the line I used today with them is, "I love the smell of napalm in the morning, just not on Mondays." Everybody knew what I mean and laughed. A famous line that everybody would recognize in a movie combined with hating Mondays.

You can do these things too. It might take years to come up with passable skills, and I'm sorry for that, but it can be done.



NeilM
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 20 Aug 2016
Age: 72
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 277
Location: Virginia, USA

30 Jan 2018, 3:43 pm

AspieSingleDad, its eerily interesting your recommending watching tv shows to learn how one should present themselves in public. I did just that as I grew up, mind you it was totally a different time with primitive by comparison tv shows (the 1960s and '70s) but the objective and results were the same. My growing up in an ultra-small town with parents whose social life, while it did exist to a small degree, was hardly useful in providing me with what I needed to know. Interesting too that you use the word "database." I remember in 8th grade actually sitting down with pencil and paper to make what I called a list of what a person should say and do in this or that situation. Now in the computer age such a list would indeed be a database. I never did make that paper list; I realized very quickly it would be too large to be of much use. So I simply let it remain a mental list.


_________________
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 120 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 74 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)

AQ = 38 MBTI = ISTJ Gender = Non-binary
I strive not to perseverate. You can PM me for more info.


AspieSingleDad
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Sep 2017
Gender: Male
Posts: 657

31 Jan 2018, 9:45 pm

NeilM wrote:
AspieSingleDad, its eerily interesting your recommending watching tv shows to learn how one should present themselves in public. I did just that as I grew up, mind you it was totally a different time with primitive by comparison tv shows (the 1960s and '70s) but the objective and results were the same. My growing up in an ultra-small town with parents whose social life, while it did exist to a small degree, was hardly useful in providing me with what I needed to know. Interesting too that you use the word "database." I remember in 8th grade actually sitting down with pencil and paper to make what I called a list of what a person should say and do in this or that situation. Now in the computer age such a list would indeed be a database. I never did make that paper list; I realized very quickly it would be too large to be of much use. So I simply let it remain a mental list.


I'm sure this is more common than we could know. And what's funny about it is it's not like I said, "It's time to watch TV so I can learn social skills." I would just pick somebody on TV I idealized and watch how they spoke, the gestures they used, etc. and than apply them to similar situations in real life. It's like I was self medicating for autism without knowing I was doing it, or even knowing I had autism. The human brain is an amazing thing sometimes.



wrongcitizen
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 22 Oct 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 696

06 Feb 2018, 1:18 am

AspieSingleDad wrote:
My advice for you might seem kind of strange, but it's worked for me. I'd recommend watching movies you think you'll enjoy that have a protagonist you'd like to be like. A movie or tv show where the main character has good social skills, etc. A good example is I'm a huge Pysch fan, and the main character does an extremely good job of using exaggerated social interactions with people, including facial expressions and excellent annunciation and change in pitch and tone. If you can watch stuff like that multiple times and attempt to mimic it, and build a database of "lines" from it, you can actually use that in real conversation.

What you do is you take what you learn from the movie or TV show and than you "make it your own". You can change portions of the line or deliver it in your own style. So, as an example, you enter a room of coworkers and the line I used today with them is, "I love the smell of napalm in the morning, just not on Mondays." Everybody knew what I mean and laughed. A famous line that everybody would recognize in a movie combined with hating Mondays.

You can do these things too. It might take years to come up with passable skills, and I'm sorry for that, but it can be done.


This is very helpful. Even beyond movies, I've gotten good at spotting that "cool guy" in the conversations that I have with random people and being like them, but in a more individual way or it'd get weird haha. Some people are like social elites and everyone in the room is instantly attracted to them, sort of like the liked protagonist.