Asperger and abuse

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Hi, there.

Please let me know how you feel after you read the following my experience.

I am 49 years old single woman with Asperger and ADHD.

When I was 13, my mum died of a disease suddenly. The bereaved family members included me, my biological father, my little sister, and my older sister.

My family might be relatively wealthy because my father was working at big company.

I was isolated from my family members since my mother lived. She was the only person who cared about me and I could talk to. After my mother died, none of my family members talked to me for 4-5 years. My little sister used to say that I was like an alien from a different planet. I have always kept silence or got angry about something at home back then.

I and my family members talked nothing each other for more than 4-5 years. When we run into someone in a hallway, we did not meet the person's eyes.

At the time, my father was in his middle age. One night, he sneaked into the bedroom of the next-door neighbor in order to peek into the wife next door to obtain sexual gratification from observing her. After that, the child (about the age of 10 ) of the wife threatened my father to go public with the whole thing. The child asked for 1 million yen if my father did not want it. The event was somehow solved in association with the local police.

Several months later, When I was sitting in the living room wearing pajamas after a bath watching TV. I was a 13-years old girl. My father held me from my behind, was pushing his hand down into my pajamas and touch my breasts for a few minutes. I felt fear. I could not even move and cry or say something.

But I could not tell about this for a long time because my father said to me, "Something is wrong with you, not me. It is certain that everyone, including our relatives, would feel you are odd". This sexual abuse had been the secret for more than 30 years. Nobody knew it. He also said several times, "Get out of this house if you don`t like it".

At that time when I experienced severe asthma attacks several times and I couldn’t breathe well, my father ignored me without taking me a hospital or even calling an ambulance, although I managed to tell him about my condition at the midnight. I remembered he just went back to his room silently to sleep after hearing me.

At the time, my father drank sake every night at home. He laughed along during drinking and said many times, "I am going to get a small bottle and fill it with potassium cyanide to wear it around my neck at all times. So that I can die anytime if I experience something bad in the future". I was 13 and froze with fear every time I heard it. But he did not die and now is alive.

After 30 years later, I wrote a letter to my sisters and relatives to let them know this sexual abuse.

But my older sister's first words were this was not so-called "sexual abuse." She said to me "You are saying such a thing because you yourself want to be unhappy". For several years, we had argued on whether what my father did fit the definition of so-called "sexual abuse."

After 10 years, my older sister finally said for the first time and just one time, "I feel sorry for you," and at the same time "but equally for our father. Because he did not remember at all what he did while under the influence of alcohol".

Until now I father say nothing about the sexual abuse. He and relatives pretend the sexual abuse didn't happen and talk to me about a hobby, movies, restaurants, etc. Now, my older sister and younger sister are close to each other. They ignore me because I do not forgive my father. I have struggled for about 40 years to forgive my father but I even now do not know how.

For a long time, I wonder which is ridiculous, me or my family members and relatives?

Please let me know how you feel after you read this.

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

It is ALWAYS the abusers fault and NEVER their victims fault. Your sisters are what is known as enablers. Enablers is a reason abuse is allowed to continue instead of being stopped.

If in your part of asia their is professional help for victims of abuse I would advise using their services. Is there a hotline for abuse victims you could call?. Maybe the clinicion who diagnosed you could help you. Just trying to get help will help you.

We have many abuse victims here on this forum that will help and support you.

Hi,SPartOfMeVeteran,

For this decade, I have sought a professional help but it did not work for me, including many counselors and the clinician who diagnosed me as asperger.

The reason is the sexual abuse had stopped practically more than 30 years ago. I do not meet my father for 10 years. Although, I have been tormented by huge guilt that I am not helping my old, weak father now. But many mental health counselors and clinicians tell me to just forget. But my sister and relatives do not forgive me.

If your sisters love their father so much, then let them take care of him , now that he is old.

You do not owe your father forgiveness. Love and take care of yourself, you deserve it more.

Agreed. While it might be possible to forgive some kinds of abuse if the perpetrator admits wrongdoing, the attempt to shift blame to you makes the original offence even worse. Let your father's other daughters take care of him, if they have such a good relationship. You need to deal with these issues on your own terms and move on with a better life.

I assume you're somewhere in Japan. I'm in Taipei, by the way.

Hi Spyoon and Benjamin.

Thank you for your reply and warm words.

I will be able to forgive myself despite I am not helping my old and weak father and my sisters and relatives are not forgive me.

I have overwhelmed for several decades by anxiety caused by guilt relating my father.
I have felt that I should forgive him even without saying this clearly.

I have used most of my life for this problem. Now I am single, without children and spouse.

But, yes, I do not owe his forgiveness. I want to deal with these issues on my own terms.

If I follow my sisters values, I cannot change and this situation will remain unchanged till I die because they do not change, definitely.

I must become stronger because some arguments with my sisters will occur someday. I want to forget about trying to make them understand my feeling.

Now I am in my middle age and have short time to live. I must move on.

Thank you again.

You are right.
They are wrong.
Even if you seem lonely in your position, the right is on your side.
It's hard for aspies, because we often actually see clearly what everyone denies. And we are often pain in the ass for veiled abusers.

You mentioned, aside from sexual abuse, your father was also alcoholic. That means, he harmed you more than by touching. Maybe even the touching stopped but abuse didn't?
How your sisters reacted to his alcohol problem? Weren't they (aren't they) codependent?

...I'm sorry .

_________________
Renal kidney failure, congestive heart failure, COPD. Can't really get up from a floor position unhelped anymore:-(.
One of the walking wounded ~ SMASHED DOWN by life and age, now prevented from even expressing myself! SOB.
" Oh, no! First you have to PROVE you deserve to go away to college! " ~ My mother, 1978 (the heyday of Andy Gibb and Player). I would still like to go.
My life destroyed by Thorazine and Mellaril - and rape - and the Psychiatric/Industrial Complex. SOB:-(! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !!

Hi, magz.

Thank you for your thoughtfulness.

I had no way of telling my father was alcoholic or not back then. Even now I am not sure about it.

Because he didn't behave violently. He never beat me. Moreover, he had gone to work every day. He was an engineer. So he was considered a very serious person. My father has been considered a very quiet, harmless, introverted person by my relatives, even now. If I had to say, he is an obsequious, servile person.

He, who was the only adult person (47-years-old) in my family, could not manage money at all. My grandfather who lived far way took care of money for my family instead of my father.

Only he ignored me.

Actually, he did not talk to me for 4 or 5 years while he talked to my sisters. He talked to me only two or three times. All of them were to regard me as incompetent.

My sisters seem to have the neurotypical trait. My father loves my younger sister in particular. Because my younger sister was 10 years old when my mother died. He felt she was very little and cute.

On the other hand, my older sister was 16 when my mother died. She could understand what was sexual abuse, felt my father was dangerous, could say NO to my father about other issues very clearly. My older sister said she avoided being left alone with my father back then. I even could not understand what is sexual abuse. Also, my older sister had a boyfriend back then so my father could not say anything to my older sister.

When our father started to drink, my old sister always went to her room and my younger sister was always asleep. So only me saw the drunken father and only me got sexually abused.

Thus, my father targeted only me. My sisters think our father is a fainthearted but good person. Several years ago I confessed to my grandmother that my father said to me when my mother died "Get out of my house" many times, but my grandmother did not believe that. "It cannot be happening, He is too gentle to say so".

I am not sure my sisters and relatives believed me.

First, I am aware I may be poor in interpreting East Asian society, as I am an extreme individualist even for my own culture.
Is being obsequious seen as something good or bad where you live?

Alcoholism is alcohol addiction, you don't have to be violent or lose your job to be alcoholic. It's when you can't deal with life without alcohol.

Otherwise, it looks like your father maintaining a social mask of a nice and gentle guy to the point his "other side" goes wild – and you have the misfortune of being the one who knows his dark side.
Also, he might have engaged in gaslighting and controlling behaviors towards you and probably others.

Controlling is a tricky thing because people don't want to admit being controlled, so they deny anything is wrong. Actually, I'm trying to get rid of a controlling situation myself and other people involved are just "elephant in the room" about it :/

I use the term "obsequious " as bad meaning. I am sorry my expression is ambiguous.

For "elephant in the room," You are quite right.
I cannot understand why my family members can not see this elephant or why they can pretend as if it is not exist.

It is a real pleasure to know all of your opinions. Thanks a lot!

But in reality, what most people, at least in my country (somewhere in Asia), think is far different from that in this site wrong planet.

I suppose 90% of people in my country would not agree with my feeling.

A friend of mine said to me several years ago, "You are too immature because you do not express your gratitude to your father". "You are exaggerating. Anyway, your father brought up you. Yes, you got a sexual abuse, but he is still your father. You should be thankful for your father".

As I wrote, my father was pushing his hand down into my pajamas and touch my breasts for a few minutes when I was 13. He did not talk to me at all for several years. He said to me "Get out of my house if you don't like it" several times. He ignored me and did not let me receive adequate medical treatment.

But at the same time, my father had worked for more than 30 years at a famous large company and paid for my educational expenses through university. (That was an only way for me to leave my father back then. I could leave my house for the university.) He never behaved violently. He paid for my food expenses. (My grandfather kept track of our finance, not my father.)

Is anyone who thinks I should be thankful for my father?

Am I selfish because I do not forgive my father who says nothing about sexual abuse?

Of course, there are cultural differences about the role of father. But I believe people would feel in the same way about something fundamental despite the country.

I would be appreciate if you give me your opinion truthfully.

Thanks in advance.

You recieved abuse sexually and verbally so I do not think you should be greatful.