Aspie Teenage Relationship Help

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Hi,
I am the parent of a NT girl who is 12 years old. She has been friends with a boy (through a extra curricular sport) who is turning 13 this year. This boy has been relentlessly bullied at the school he attends, really brutally as he learning difficulties and AS. The kids at school are awful. My daughter does not go to this school and has treated him as he should have been, with respect. They have got on really well.

Halfway through last year - it kind of started looking like he was seeking her out. Then after this his parents started initiating play dates. We were completely fine with this because we knew he had this awful time at school and it was good that he enjoyed spending time with someone and playing considering the bullying.

Nearing the end of the year I suddenly noticed him giving my daughter these "in love" eyes, when he looked at her from time to time. I ended up freaking out at first as we were not going to allow our daughter to date until she was much older. I decided to email the boy's parents and it turned out that he did think of her more than friends. I am extremely close with my daughter and we talk about everything & so eventually I decided to share with her that he may think of her more than friends and what did she think and what had she noticed.

Eventually he asked her if she liked him and she said she did and then they went into "special friends" status. Their relationship is extremely beautiful and sweet. I gather he wears his heart on his sleeve as he has said the most romantic things to her and declares his feelings so truthfully.

The love playing together and then they also have time alone together - we can always sort of see them. They have started holding hands and he is a very "cuddly" boy. He is like this with his family and he has started to hold my daughter in the pool (arms around her), put his arm around her. hold hands etc. His family and our family are very supportive of the relationship. When my daughter goes around his family are there and she spends time with his family and normally his sister and him play with my daughter and then they, in the company of his sister, he will hug her from behind or hold her hand. He is also comfortable around me showing her some affection.

We recently spoke to my daughter about setting clear boundaries with him, so that the relationship physically doesn't head too fast. Plus we are quite conservative as well. This relationship has really pushed us, but we have been supportive because this is a very unique and special circumstance. My daughter wrote the boy a note and explained how she was fine with hugging and holding hands, but that was all she is ready for at this stage. She bravely gave him the letter & he read it & said that he liked the letter, that the boundaries were a good idea and he would try and remember.

He is completely in love with my daughter, he is good mannered, polite and looks after her. He gives her flowers from the garden, helps her if she gets hurt etc.

The last time they spent time together he was getting cuddly with her. While he was holding her in the water it looked like he went in to give my daughter a kiss. She was wearing a cap and it stopped anything happening. It looks to me like touch is his "love language" but he may be struggling with impulse control or something like that. He is very cuddly at times with her & she knows it is not malicious as he is doing this in public view but it still looked like he was going to go past the boundaries.

I am trying to understand as much as a can about this boy. He is a real sweetheart and has gone through so much! My daughter also likes him and he is completely besotted with her & she feels so special with him because of how he treats her and what he says to her.

I was hoping that any parents who have an AS boy whose love language is "touch" could help us understand how to approach this situation best. Could he just continue pushing the boundaries until they go all the way? Do we need to keep reminding him every time we see about the boundaries? Like "don't forget the boundaries" in a light hearted way?

When they spend time together the majority of the time is normal kids playing games and talking, but there is a part of their time where they hang out alone and have "quiet time". Please help me understand how an AS teen may be thinking and how I can help my daughter approach this. She is struggling to speak up and say her mind in these moments. She kind of goes along and does what we wants in terms of physical affection.
many thanks

You sound like a wonderful person!

My son is not interested in dating, quite yet, but he is getting closer to that age. He is a snugly guy, though, so these issues will come up at some point.

My personal recommendation for what it is worth is, if you can, allow your daughter and his parents do the heavy lifting on boundaries. His parents should know how to talk to him and so going through them for a lot of it is probably best. Also, it is great that your daughter is getting so good at drawing boundaries, and I think this is a really important skill for her to have and continue to cultivate, in the broader aspect of life. You can continue to supervise their interactions, but she should ideally be the one to continue to remind him when he has passed a boundary in the moment as opposed to you. If there are things she/you thinks need to be communicated to the parents, that can be handled separately.

The only thing I would caution is making sure she is comfortable with everything as it currently stands. if she does not view him in a romantic way at all, and she is trying to be nice -- that is a different thing. Your daughter should not feel pressure to have a romantic relationship just to make the guy feel comfortable as this is a bad precedent for her especially for when she is around guys who are not so nice. Also, if he thinks she has feelings for him she doesn't
actually have, this can cause issues for him as well.

Um, I'm probably not a great one to comment because I'm aspie and have a lot of difficulties myself in working out boundaries for my NT daughter, the whole teenage romance thing is a bit hard for me to fathom.

But I felt I ought to warn you that there might be issues come up with how attached this boy gets to your daughter. Some of us attach ourselves to a significant other like a limpet, and too much of our emotional security rests on the relationship.

This means that your daughter needs to know her own mind, and if/when at some point she's uncertain about continuing such a close relationship, she musn't feel pressured by his need and has to be able to pull out and do what is best for her. So you'll probably need to encourage her to be open with you about how she's feeling about things, and to be upfront with communicating with him. Sounds lie you're onto that, though.

If she does want to pull out, or to have a less close relationship, it's important to do it carefully, as it's going to be hard on the boy emotionally. You have to assume he won't pick up on her signals, or those of adults, and will need to actually be told the state of the relationship. So she has to be clear with him, and state exactly what she wants, but at the same time, be really supportive of him and make it clear they are still friends.

I'm not sure, though, relationship issues, even with young teens, are not an easy thing for me to understand

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Aww, that is so sweet. Thank you!

Thank you for your reply. It has been helpful.

She really does like him as well The whole thing is just so precious and cute. He shares exactly how he feels with her - no holding back - it is just lovely how at this age there is no past relationship baggage and insecurities and it is so open and sweet. It is the first time she is experiencing all of these things and so she is learning and is a little nervous.

I am so happy that she is able to share things with me, so I can offer her helps and tips. While learning more about him and how he thinks.

Thanks for the advice!

When I was around that boy's age (I think I was 11 or so), I had a crush on a girl I was friends with and played with. I even slept on the floor in her room next to her while she slept in bed next to me and had trouble going to sleep. That being said, I never had the courage to tell her my feelings and I never tried anything physical. I always tried to respect her and not do anything inappropriate because as an autistic, I followed what I believed was the correct way to behave.

This boy gave his word that he'd follow the rules your daughter outlined in that letter, and he'll do his best to follow those rules. Like any boy, he's going to have strong feelings at that age that can be hard to control, but he'd be more likely to follow his promise than most NT boys would. I certainly can't guarantee he doesn't do something that crosses boundaries, but it is probably unlikely. Just my two cents, I don't see a problem with kissing, which is a beautiful, innocent thing, but you need to do what you think is right as a parent. Certainly, things shouldn't go further than that, especially at that age (and I'm a very liberal person).

The concern I have is that girls tend to mature faster than boys to begin with, and this boy may develop slower than most boys. As this takes place, your girl might not have the same feelings for this boy she used to, but she might feel "trapped" because this boy sounds like he's exceptionally sweet. I mean, I haven't met the kid, and I don't want him to be hurt. But I don't want your daughter to feel like she's stuck in this relationship either, that wouldn't be good for her. Frankly, I can't give you any specific suggestions on how to handle that concern except to suggest you keep your eye out for that possibility and support your daughter's choice if she decides the relationship needs to end.

P.S.

I hope I'm wrong and the relationship is successful and both your daughter and this boy are very happy. Life usually doesn't work that way, however.

P.S.S.

This boy likely won't have many romantic options, so it's not likely he'd want to break up a relationship with your daughter.

Thank you for your response.

It is ironic, because I am worried that my daughter will get her heart broken.
We are very conservative and really didn't like the idea of dating in general. Our family values are more "dating with a purpose"...so this has really thrown us. They were just playing as friends and I didn't foresee a romance and then by the time I saw how he looked at her I knew it was too late! It was a bit of a shock. But we have decided to go with the flow & believe that this young relationship is meant to be at this place in our lives. This young man is extraordinary and we would not allow her date anyone else at this age...the way he is suits our family and how we expect our daughter to be treated.

My daughter is not like other girls. She is homeschooled and not part of cliques, or falling in or out of friendships. They are really good friends as well as romantic - so it works amazing for this age. Quite surprising. They will play lego and then in the car hold hands. Too sweet for words.

It is not often that one gets to have a relationship with a crush. So I am really happy for them. Glad she likes him too. It is very special and unique.

I'm glad you decided to allow this to take place. I realize you're conservative and believe in dating with the intention of eventually marriage (and hey, you never know where this might lead), your daughter having dating experience at an early age will allow her to have better dating skills later in life. My concern with women and men who date the same person they marry, is the lack world experience and can't recognize signs as well as more experienced daters. Heaven forbid your daughter were to marry a man who doesn't truly love her, or is abusive to her.

That said, even though I'm really liberal, it might be construed as conservative to say I hope your daughter doesn't get married until she's well within college and on her way to a career or has even graduated college. That way she always has options, and isn't "trapped" in a relationship with a man who is controlling or abusive. It's a sad state of affairs that so many men are that way to begin with.

My son was/is very tactile. I used to call him my cuddle monster. Monster being an affectionate but deliberately chosen term. We spent YEARS teaching him to be careful to make sure with verbal confirmation that whoever he was touching wanted to be touched.

He didn't date at 13 but from what I saw of him dating at 15, he was very very careful about how affectionate he was. With his recent girlfriend he basically waited for her to initiate everything. He knows he can't read non-verbal signals, and one of the first things he does now in a relationship is make sure the young woman knows he can't read non-verbal signals, and needs every "no" or "yes" or "I wish" spelled out in black and white for him. But these are all things we taught him to do, through extensive conversations over the years joking about his cuddle "monster" tenancies. I have no way to know what any other family teaches.

Given that I also have a daughter who had a "boyfriend" at 10/11, I would suggest always having them in sight. I think that is appropriate for the age group. You can frame the boundaries by school age, if you wish: middle schoolers must stay in the sight of specific adults at all times, for example. You can find out what others in your area consider age appropriate and use those norms to keep some of these restrictions from feeling personal to them. You frame it all in general ways, never resorting to worries about the specific boy involved: "I'm not comfortable with my daughter dating out of sight of parents until she is older;" "I think first kisses (on the lips, at least) should wait until you are both X age;" etc. You may find that you don't actually have to verbalize any of it: I found that my daughter's relationships tended to run a very natural and age appropriate course, although I did have to tell her that the start of middle school was a good time to stop allowing male friends to have sleep overs (it just never occurred to her that puberty was changing things). Basically, there are a lot of ways to organically keep an eye on the situation, and it seems you are already using them. Continue; if you start to get push back, remind them that they are both very young, still have a lot to learn about relationships, and you feel it is best to that at this point in their lives to do that learning and exploring with some parental oversight as it should make things easier for them. Hopefully you will have a few years before your daughter hits the total privacy age and rebels against that construct. Until then, use the time to organically teach some ins and outs of relationships so that she will have some clue how to set boundaries when she gets there. JHMO, anyway.

I wouldn't be surprised if this boy is not like most 12/13 year-old boys. Does he look like a little boy, or an adolescent? I find that more important than many people think. It's not the chronological age that's necessarily important.

Many 12-year-old boys look like little boys, and still think girls have "cooties" LOL. I was a young-looking 12-year-old, and was just beginning to like girls. I didn't have any sexual feelings for them, though, yet. I had romantic feelings, though (which really had nothing to do with sex, believe it or not).

I wonder if this is the case with this boy----that he has "romantic," but not "sexual" feelings for your daughter. If so, I find that there is something which can grow and blossom. Friendship and love together, with lots of respect for each other.

Maybe they'll get married and will be able to tell people that they were "childhood sweethearts."

I've always wanted a marriage like that.

Kraftie, I hope your wife doesn't read your posts, bro. LOL