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I don't know how to reject him.

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Probably_Drunk
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20 Jan 2018, 12:51 pm

clay5 wrote:
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listening to all his plans for their future together,

yeah but he's listened to me too telling him I don't want to go on holiday, nor do I want marriage and nuclear family and that I want to live alone. And I think you mentioned it above that he has told his family about me, but no he hasn't and I also told him he shouldn't do that. I think it's very soon that already after 2 weeks all these wishes about the future are coming out.
The guy is good and will certainly not punish the - as you Probably_Drunk name us - "female race", and he will surely not turn into an as*hole. Don't get so angry about this Probably_Drunk, I know I should have broken it off earlier like I wrote in my opening post, and I am going to do it and I am also having worries about hurting him at this point because I let it go to far and find it hard to reject him- I know it is wrong what I did, whithout your angry posts. I opened this thread for encouragement. And I don't know what any of this has to do with feminism.

You're already hurting him, the only reason you haven't ended it is that you were getting what you wanted, and now it's getting too serious for your liking you want to tone it back to what you want, you know he's a good guy, you know that you're leading him on, you know that you're hurting him. the only encouragement you need is to stop emotionally abusing this guy.



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20 Jan 2018, 1:08 pm

clay5 - If you definitely think he is a good guy who is not going to turn into an a***hole over this, then I would recommend being really honest with him i.e. saying, "I really like you as a friend and a person. I am really sorry because the past couple of weeks I know my behaviour has been giving you the wrong signals. I do mean it when I say I don't want a boyfriend and don't like sex. Last night has made me realise that things have gone too far due to my behaviour (hugs and kisses) giving you the wrong messages, but I really really mean it when I say I just want to be friends. For the next few months, I think we should only meet in public and not hug or kiss at all. Otherwise, I think one or both of us will get really really badly hurt."

I think it's possible even for ex partners where one dumped the other to remain friends. However, sexual attraction is a powerful thing. He's attracted to you and you've previously given in (understandably) to liking having cuddles from him, etc, hence the need for cast-iron boundaries around the interactions between you two at this point in time so neither of you gets more hurt by the situation in the future.

Probably_Drunk - The guy may be a wreck for a while. Many people are a wreck after being dumped or finding out that what they thought was a blossoming relationship isn't. Hopefully, he'll then realise that 2 weeks of cuddling and kissing is a pretty flimsy basis for planning the rest of his life around. Many relationships don't work out and many last a lot longer than 2 weeks before breaking down. If clay5 follows through on her intention of honourably stopping all romantic / sexual interaction from now onwards and the guy goes permanently off the rails, I would guess there was something majorly wrong in his life prior to him developing a crush on clay5 and trying to become her boyfriend. People get dumped for all sorts of reasons. It's horrible. Depending on other factors (like their overall mental health, what else has happened in their life, etc) they get over it more or less badly, taking a shorter or longer period of time to accept having been dumped. It seems to me completely unfair to paint clay5 as potentially ruining this guy's life. Surely anybody who lets a two-week romance ruin their life must have had other problems in that life to start with (otherwise, no matter how intense the 2 weeks were, they can afterwards focus on the other good areas of their life until such time as they're able to dismiss it as 'those crazy 2 weeks [e.g. those crazy 2 weeks I thought I would marry clay5 despite her being a committed lifelong singleton]').



Probably_Drunk
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20 Jan 2018, 1:17 pm

Sycamore wrote:
clay5 - If you definitely think he is a good guy who is not going to turn into an a***hole over this, then I would recommend being really honest with him i.e. saying, "I really like you as a friend and a person. I am really sorry because the past couple of weeks I know my behaviour has been giving you the wrong signals. I do mean it when I say I don't want a boyfriend and don't like sex. Last night has made me realise that things have gone too far due to my behaviour (hugs and kisses) giving you the wrong messages, but I really really mean it when I say I just want to be friends. For the next few months, I think we should only meet in public and not hug or kiss at all. Otherwise, I think one or both of us will get really really badly hurt."

I think it's possible even for ex partners where one dumped the other to remain friends. However, sexual attraction is a powerful thing. He's attracted to you and you've previously given in (understandably) to liking having cuddles from him, etc, hence the need for cast-iron boundaries around the interactions between you two at this point in time so neither of you gets more hurt by the situation in the future.

Probably_Drunk - The guy may be a wreck for a while. Many people are a wreck after being dumped or finding out that what they thought was a blossoming relationship isn't. Hopefully, he'll then realise that 2 weeks of cuddling and kissing is a pretty flimsy basis for planning the rest of his life around. Many relationships don't work out and many last a lot longer than 2 weeks before breaking down. If clay5 follows through on her intention of honourably stopping all romantic / sexual interaction from now onwards and the guy goes permanently off the rails, I would guess there was something majorly wrong in his life prior to him developing a crush on clay5 and trying to become her boyfriend. People get dumped for all sorts of reasons. It's horrible. Depending on other factors (like their overall mental health, what else has happened in their life, etc) they get over it more or less badly, taking a shorter or longer period of time to accept having been dumped. It seems to me completely unfair to paint clay5 as potentially ruining this guy's life. Surely anybody who lets a two-week romance ruin their life must have had other problems in that life to start with (otherwise, no matter how intense the 2 weeks were, they can afterwards focus on the other good areas of their life until such time as they're able to dismiss it as 'those crazy 2 weeks [e.g. those crazy 2 weeks I thought I would marry clay5 despite her being a committed lifelong singleton]').

this was all clearly avoidable, she knew what he wanted and led him along to get what she wanted, trying to be nice about it is wrong, she used him and hurt him, and then tried to act the victim because things went the way she led them, she needs to leave this poor guy alone, stop hurting him and allow him to get on with his life.



The_Face_of_Boo
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20 Jan 2018, 1:30 pm

Sycamore wrote:
clay5 - If you definitely think he is a good guy who is not going to turn into an a***hole over this, then I would recommend being really honest with him i.e. saying, "I really like you as a friend and a person. I am really sorry because the past couple of weeks I know my behaviour has been giving you the wrong signals. I do mean it when I say I don't want a boyfriend and don't like sex. Last night has made me realise that things have gone too far due to my behaviour (hugs and kisses) giving you the wrong messages, but I really really mean it when I say I just want to be friends. For the next few months, I think we should only meet in public and not hug or kiss at all. Otherwise, I think one or both of us will get really really badly hurt."

I think it's possible even for ex partners where one dumped the other to remain friends. However, sexual attraction is a powerful thing. He's attracted to you and you've previously given in (understandably) to liking having cuddles from him, etc, hence the need for cast-iron boundaries around the interactions between you two at this point in time so neither of you gets more hurt by the situation in the future.

Probably_Drunk - The guy may be a wreck for a while. Many people are a wreck after being dumped or finding out that what they thought was a blossoming relationship isn't. Hopefully, he'll then realise that 2 weeks of cuddling and kissing is a pretty flimsy basis for planning the rest of his life around. Many relationships don't work out and many last a lot longer than 2 weeks before breaking down. If clay5 follows through on her intention of honourably stopping all romantic / sexual interaction from now onwards and the guy goes permanently off the rails, I would guess there was something majorly wrong in his life prior to him developing a crush on clay5 and trying to become her boyfriend. People get dumped for all sorts of reasons. It's horrible. Depending on other factors (like their overall mental health, what else has happened in their life, etc) they get over it more or less badly, taking a shorter or longer period of time to accept having been dumped. It seems to me completely unfair to paint clay5 as potentially ruining this guy's life. Surely anybody who lets a two-week romance ruin their life must have had other problems in that life to start with (otherwise, no matter how intense the 2 weeks were, they can afterwards focus on the other good areas of their life until such time as they're able to dismiss it as 'those crazy 2 weeks [e.g. those crazy 2 weeks I thought I would marry clay5 despite her being a committed lifelong singleton]').



He knew her for a full year before the cuddling thing. I think he was in love with her way before the 2 last weeks.



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20 Jan 2018, 1:40 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
It’s not a Feminist thing at all. I’ve jumped the gun like this guy did—and I learned from it.

I’m not taking a Feminist stand on this situation.

Another consideration: the culture of the man. Maybe any sort of intimacy = Marriage ultimately.

it is a feminist thing, because if it was a guy leading on a girl like this, playing with the fact she was in love with him to get the things he wanted, hurting her and breaking her heart, everyone would come down like a ton of bricks on him, but because it's a woman you all want to say "it's ok, you couldn't help yourself".



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20 Jan 2018, 1:52 pm

The two of you aren’t friends. He’s using you for sexual gratification & you are using him to fill a void in your life. The longer the situation continues, the more difficult it will be to end.



clay5
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20 Jan 2018, 1:52 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:


He knew her for a full year before the cuddling thing. I think he was in love with her way before the 2 last weeks.

well he was trying to set me up around October last year with a guy. I don't work there anymore since about 2 months, and before I stopped working there we never met outside of work. We met on 2nd January this year for the first time. When we met the first time, 2nd January, he told me he was in love with another woman from work but she moved in December to a different part of our country, he sent her a new year's message in whatsapp, and that she read it but she didn't reply and that he was upset that he'll probably never see her again. The hugging thing started to happen a week later. He also told me last week that he always thought I'm totally different than he expected and that now he thinks I'm 'cute'. Based on this I doubt it has all started a long time ago.



clay5
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20 Jan 2018, 1:56 pm

Thanks everyone for the replies. I'm going to end it next time I see him, maybe on Monday.



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20 Jan 2018, 2:01 pm

hobojungle wrote:
The two of you aren’t friends. He’s using you for sexual gratification & you are using him to fill a void in your life. The longer the situation continues, the more difficult it will be to end.

stop trying to make out that there's equal responsibility here, it's not about sexual gratification, he's clearly in love with her and planning a future with her.. she knows that he's a good guy and knows exactly what he wants, she's just been using the fact that he's in love with her to get what she wants, now she's led it to a place she doesn't want she's going to rip his heart out... if a guy did this you'd all be hating on him.



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20 Jan 2018, 2:05 pm

Probably_Drunk wrote:
hobojungle wrote:
The two of you aren’t friends. He’s using you for sexual gratification & you are using him to fill a void in your life. The longer the situation continues, the more difficult it will be to end.

stop trying to make out that there's equal responsibility here, it's not about sexual gratification, he's clearly in love with her and planning a future with her.. she knows that he's a good guy and knows exactly what he wants, she's just been using the fact that he's in love with her to get what she wants, now she's led it to a place she doesn't want she's going to rip his heart out... if a guy did this you'd all be hating on him.


Yes, you’ve made your opinion clear. We’ll just have to agree to disagree. :)



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20 Jan 2018, 2:08 pm

obviously, because feminism has never been about equality, it's about being able to treat men like s**t and getting a free pass on it.



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20 Jan 2018, 2:10 pm

I wouldn’t criticize a guy like “a ton of bricks” if he did the same thing as her.

You know I’m a straight man, right?



Probably_Drunk
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20 Jan 2018, 2:14 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I wouldn’t criticize a guy like “a ton of bricks” if he did the same thing as her.

You know I’m a straight man, right?

and I'm a straight woman.. but using someone and preying on their emotions for your own ends is unacceptable for everyone.



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20 Jan 2018, 2:28 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
He knew her for a full year before the cuddling thing. I think he was in love with her way before the 2 last weeks.


I agree this is possible, even probable, but until 2 weeks ago he had no grounds to consider it anything other than unrequited love. Unrequited love, like being dumped, is one of those things which can feel utterly, utterly horrible but which shouldn't utterly and permanently ruin a person's life and is unlikely to do so unless there are other major problems in that life to start with. Plus, however long he's been in love with her, planning a whole future life together based on only 2 weeks of romantic / semi-sexual response from her remains a pretty whacky course of behaviour.



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20 Jan 2018, 2:45 pm

Sycamore wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
He knew her for a full year before the cuddling thing. I think he was in love with her way before the 2 last weeks.


I agree this is possible, even probable, but until 2 weeks ago he had no grounds to consider it anything other than unrequited love. Unrequited love, like being dumped, is one of those things which can feel utterly, utterly horrible but which shouldn't utterly and permanently ruin a person's life and is unlikely to do so unless there are other major problems in that life to start with. Plus, however long he's been in love with her, planning a whole future life together based on only 2 weeks of romantic / semi-sexual response from her remains a pretty whacky course of behaviour.

the issue is that she knew what he wanted and continued to repeatedly kiss and cuddle with him knowing that in his mind things were getting more serious and that he was planning a future with her, and letting a guy rub his penis on you and ejaculate on you is a little more than something semi-sexual, it's a straight forward sex act, stop underplaying what she's done, she has been totally sh***y to this guy, used him and hurt him to satisfy her own needs, stop trying to make it sound like reasonable behaviour. what happened to defending victims?, oh right I forgot, only women get to be victims anymore.



clay5
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20 Jan 2018, 3:02 pm

Probably_Drunk wrote:

the issue is that she knew what he wanted and continued to repeatedly kiss and cuddle with him knowing that in his mind things were getting more serious and that he was planning a future with her, and letting a guy rub his penis on you and ejaculate on you is a little more than something semi-sexual, it's a straight forward sex act, stop underplaying what she's done, she has been totally sh***y to this guy, used him and hurt him to satisfy her own needs, stop trying to make it sound like reasonable behaviour. what happened to defending victims?, oh right I forgot, only women get to be victims anymore.

nah the penis thing yesterday evening wasn't to use him or to satisfy my own needs or to lead him on; it marked the point where I end it. I was kind of surprised by it and had previously thought he might have no interest in sex, maybe also erectile dysfunciton, although I never really thought about it much, then suddenly this happened. Immediately after it I drove him to his night shift and took the decision it has to end for good, then I went home washed his semen out my hair, Probably Drunk, and that was yesterday, you can calm down now!

Probably Drunk I know it is not easy on his feelings that I'm going to reject him, which is why I made this thread. I cannot turn back time but I will never hug a male again anyway. Lesson learned, calm down now.