Getting over social failures

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Ok the brain is a weird thing.

When I was younger I could brush things off and plow on into the next thing, but im feeling more discouraged and anxious as I get older.

When I look back on mistakes I made I think about how I should have done this or that and I can't understand why I didn't.

Here's a stupid example. I had 2 invites in the same night (a rarity) I didn't really want to go to the first one because it was more active and I was feeling not so great just getting over sore throat, so I told the 2nd inviter that I had a previous invite that night, but wasn't sure I was up to it. I expected her to say, just come to my thing then. But she didn't.

Now I look back I should have made it clear that I was accepting her invitation and not attending the first. In the end I stayed at home feeling upset. How stupid is that? I just can't get my head round the right thing to say at the time. I usually work it out weeks or months later. There was a guy at her party i wanted to see. And I didnt go. I am stupid.

I keep doing stupid things like that. I can't seem to stop it. I get mixed up and mess things up.

I feel more anxious now because invites are rare and I always mess up.

I'm going to be alone forever, but now not only due to stupidity, but by being overly anxious wherever I go.

Not sure how to get over it.

In getting over social failures, I've generally gone with one of two options:

(A) I ruminate over them endlessly, stoking an endless fire of humiliation, loneliness, rejection, and white-hot self-loathing upon which to burn myself at the stake.

(B) I examine them as objectively as I can; learn what I did right, what I did wrong, and based upon that information, carefully consider how I might improve my approach in the future. Having wrung the last useful drop from the experience, I drop it and move on.

I'm much more adept at the former, but I find that the latter, no matter how imperfectly and incompetently done, is much more adaptive with a much greater chance of success, however marginal.

I’ve had so many “failures” that I usually just slough them off after a short period of mind-discontent.

If I reflected on every failure I’ve incurred in life, which amounts to many, I’d be a total mess.

One should really choose one’s battles.

I just don't see the point in trying anymore

People don't give second chances. You get one invite, you say no, you're never invited along again.

I hate people.

Or you do go to the party you were invited to, they feel you out, and never invite you again.

Oh yeah. Had that experience too.

I have had my share of social failures and usually I sulk for 2 to 3 days, then afterwards reflect on the things I did wrong and learn from them and then pretty much let it go because it's already been done so that's the only thing left to do!

I think as you get older you become more aware of the mistakes you make in life, which is why a lot of people in their 60s and older get more anxious and want to slap themselves in the face when they think about the mistakes they made.

I've been invited to a friends birthday party once. Never again was I invited to another and not too long after I refused I felt bad because I missed out on the experience. But like I said before, the only thing left to do is reflect and move on!

I experienced that a lot as a child and still experience it as an adult.

Parties and other social events are always awkward for me. People ignore me and I don't feel included. When it comes time to sit down for a meal or activity at a party, everyone already knows who they want to sit with and I end up by myself because there is no room at the other tables. Sometimes people seem mad because the only table left is my table and they don't want to sit with me.

You can't change what you did in the past, but you can keep yourself from making the same mistake in the future. You need to focus on learning from your mistakes and keep trying to socialize with other people.

Sometimes I feel like I hate people too. I wish I didn't need any friends. I wish living alone didn't affect me in any way. It would be so much easier. But it's not like that.

You might make mistakes in the future too, but that is a risk you're just gonna have to take.

No I'm making the same mistakes again.

It's maybe better if I just give up trying with people.

Examining your failures does not necessarily remove the pain. My friend told me he just laughs every time when he remembers something shameful. This has reconditioned his brain so that he no longer feels shame (and reportedly some started to think he is a psychopath or autistic in process).

I think it's helping, especially after starting effexor which increases neuronal plasticity and makes it easier to affect your own emotions. Before I just felt like I was adrift in a brain that couldn't be affected by any sort of therapy.

Maybe you should keep trying until you meet the right kind of people who won't mind occasional blunders. A reasonable person cares more about your general attitude than single mistakes.

Hurt loam

Gotcha

At least you get invited sometimes

Almost never does anyone make the mistake of inviting my worthless corpse anywhere

Likewise, similar to you, I converge on what I ought to have done or said, but too late

Someone that I was stupid enough to make the mistake of trusting, had the nerve to tell me that "you don't care about anyone except yourself!"

Later I realized that, it appeared that he cared about a lot of precious lil "people" and I did not

Maybe he wastes 500 calories a day caring about precious lil "people". And I only waste three calories a day caring about precious lil "people". (Fine)

But everyone he cared about is similar to me. And everyone he cared about is similar to him. Precious lil "people" only care about me, with three calories a day.

Twelve years after he told me off, I realized that

Anyways, I did not win an Oscar, Ultimate Fighting Championship, get into Mensa. And I ain't got no precious lil "friends" or $$$.

So when someone competes with me, they are bound to win, even if they are not morally or absolutely, correct. Per se

And when they lose, they are not worth the effort it takes to interact with them

And I am so different from precious lil "most people", that sooner or later we will get in a competition

Hi hurtloam,
I used to think the same when I was much younger.
I have deleted the word 'stupid' out of my mind and replaced it with; 'At the time I thought it to be a good idea.'
I never have regrets of what I have experienced in my younger life, or even my life at this moment.
I do not wish to think on my death bed; 'I made so many mistakes.'

Much love ..... Bob

It drives people crazy when they find out that I'm not impressed with every little thing that the precious lil "people" do.

I don't feel any competition or feelings of dislike from people. I dont think anyone really hates me.

I just can't connect with other people.

Yes I think that they may feel that I am disinterested in them.

I read a comment on Quora about dogs. Everyone loves dogs because dogs love everyone. I'm not like a dog. Not open and eager to just be around people. To me it's hard work. Especially since most people find conversation hard work.

I'm like how are you. Fine they say.
I'm like how was your week? Fine they say.
How's your family. Fine.
Got any holidays planned. No. You? No.

And so on.

Conversation is hard. I'd say people are boring, but I'm boring too. I'm not good at turning mundane events of the week into engaging stories... few people are. But some will prattle on about nothing as if it is interesting. I have no desire to discuss the minutia of my week. I can't even pretend it's interesting.

Well yes. That sounds good. But it's bigger than the occasional blunder. I just come over as totally outside of everything. Like I don't want to belong.

If you put out signals that you don't belong people will happily let you not belong.

I have never belonged. I had a group of friends at school and we hung out everyday, but in adult life I don't have anything like that. I left high school 20 years ago.

There was this whole situation where I moved into a new town. Made some acqaintances who all grew up together and knew each other well. I realised that maybe one of the guys liked me. I started to like him back... But then wasn't sure if he did like me. I wasn't close to anyone, just knew people superficially. I felt like his friends knew that either he liked me or... that he knew I liked him and was just humouring me... and I felt so outside of the group. You know how people are when 2 people like each other and they like to make fun (or is that just British humour). I wasnt sure if the joke was.... awh they're cute or... oh man they're such losers he doesn't like her or she doesn't like him... I have never felt so alone. I had no one to ask. No one to talk to.

I eventually moved away because I felt so alone and outside of everything. I'll never really understand what happened with him and it eats me up inside.

What if I'd been more open and a better friend? Not just to him, but to other people.

I don't feel like I'll ever fit in. I've moved so much that I have no real connections and I don't know how to and I don't have the confidence anymore that I can make friends.