Getting over social failures

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Hi, I'm new and would like to join in on the empty festivities that is our lives. Surely I jest, but sadly I keep failing at this social thing. The only social events I've been going to is AA, being that my entire adult life has been medicated with drugs and alcohol. I'm trying so hard, mainly because I want to fit in with out such crutches and successfully write and play my music to make a career of it. I'm even failing with these as*holes who claim not to be a "glum lot" with such sayings as, " we'll love you until you can love yourself." While I'll never claim to be innocent or better than anyone, it feels like they finally have that legitimate excuse to shun this wretched bastard. Don't you hate it when everyone is inviting each other to some (usually Denny's) stupid get together and you find yourself standing there with enough time to think, " Here we go again, they're really going to make this so awkward for me that they might be giving me enough time to walk away absentmindedly." I've known some of these f*****s for years, some longer than others yet I still haven't cracked the level of assumed invite? I'm pretty sure they're also making remarks behind my back (which for an autistic, right in my face). I'm 32, and I don't even see the point of being sober. I had better success, platonic & romantic relationships when I was using and drinking. But the substances are bringing me more pain than a lack of friendship with substance...( I'll have to remember that one lol). My dad showed me this sight, and I apologise for bitching right out of the gate, but my heart is really broken and I can't shake this feeling of shame. If I can't fit in with angry drunk as*holes, self proclaimed, "liars, cheats and thieves"...what do I do now? Also, I don't want to take away from anyone who's already posted. Figured it would be redundant starting another thread. Thank you,
-Thomas

Everything is either successful, neither, or a failure

You can't guarantee only the first two

When it is the first two, it's like, whooptie do

When it is the third one, the other party gets theatrical and angry. And acts like you are public enemy number one and they are perfect l angels

Social relationships, maybe, appear to not be worth the cost benefit analysis

keep it in perspective

For example, when a precious lil "person" that I was stupid enough to make the mistake of trusting, had the nerve to tell me "you make people uncomfortable with the way you dress!". And tell me that it was "lying" for me to ask him to call me "he" instead of "she" (among numerous other black and white, drastic judgments), keeping it in perspective means:. "At least he did not hire someone to rape me"

So what, he told me off.

He could have responded more favorably by telling me to get a support group

(Fine)

But he could have responded less favorably too

The other thing, is the mantra "here and now"

It appears that, the best case scenario is, whooptie do. And the worst case scenario is subject to imagination

That was San Diego 2004. This is 2018 and not San Diego

The homophobia situation is different

And I did not get rid of the homophobia by myself, but whatever

Life goes on until it stops

Yeah I think I do need time to process things.

Or I used to hang out with the wrong people.

I've moved to the city and I've met friendly people. People who ask for your phone number and invite you to things. My old friends were so insular and difficult to communicate with.

I'm seeing my old struggles in a new light. I just wasn't compatible with the people I knew. Most of my new friends aren't British. I think that makes a difference. The British are so unfriendly and closed off.

One thing that helped me is trying to shift the reflection from after the event to DURING the event. Now that you are aware of your issues and can identify where you made a mistake after the fact, the goal is to start identifying that there's a problem right away instead of later on. When you start feeling the anxiety and sense that something's amiss, that's when you want to step aside (mentally, or literally take a break in another room or bathroom) and weigh your options. Figure out the reality that's upsetting you and do whatever you can to steer away from that direction.

You probably can't make the "perfect" social decision in that moment, and the anxiety will probably stifle you, but at least choosing to keep the conversation open will help. In your example, you probably wouldn't have come up with the "perfect" response, but feeling the anxiety of being excluded and just being able to identify in that moment that "i don't want to stay home alone" can help you figure out what to do to fix it before it's too late.

Saying "i don't want to stay home alone" to the person would probably seem odd, but you can always say, "wait, what i mean is...". People might think it's a little odd to work things out verbally with you like that, but they will think it's stranger if you just flee the situation. This is what i've found anyway. Our inner dialogue is so loud, we forget that others can't hear it. The other party usually has no idea that you're anxious and suffering, so they don't blink an eye if you seemingly turn down an invite or don't respond.

Good luck!

I empathise with many of your situtations.

I've joined meetup.com and been isolated from groups - no idea why! There was a party, and they changed the location - I arrive to find no one! Lovely.
You can't really put things on yourself, if people are genuinely interested in you they'll take the time and make the effort to meet you/invite/hang out/get to know you.
Sometimes you are just around the wrong people. Other times it is normal for people to not want any new friends outside of their circle, some people can be very cliquey & insular.
Moving cities and having no friends, struggling to make new friends is a normal thing even for NT's - some NT's also have lost all their friends.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
You could make online friends here, on a dating website (just say you're only looking for friendships atm), or other websites you frequent. That way you have a support base to bounce things off.