Sticking to agreements about behavior (with NT spouse)

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broddihare
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22 Jan 2018, 3:10 am

I have trouble sticking to agreements about my behavior with my NT spouse. I'm assuming this is related to my HFA. Does anyone else experience this, and how do you manage it so that you stick to your agreements?

Before I was diagnosed I thought I was just incredibly forgetful and/or thoughtless. Thoughtless behavior in particular is hurtful and frustrating to my partner. When it comes to simple, concrete tasks I make up for this by making to-do lists and setting alarms on my phone. But behavioral stuff is more difficult, and where I tend to be more inflexible.

For example, I make my partner uncomfortable when I stare at her in silence for a long time. At the time I feel comfortable, even pleasant. I have defended myself by explaining that I regard my behavior as warm, loving, doting or something similar. I understand and even empathise that she doesn't experience it that way. We have fought about it and discussed it. I have made promises to change my behavior. But I keep falling back on it for no good reason, which causes another cycle of fighting and discussion. This is one of several repeated behaviors.

Now that I know a bit more about the autism spectrum, I understand that I am distressing my NT partner quite deeply by saying I'm going to stop, but not stopping. I believe I should stop. How can I stop?



Chronos
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30 Jan 2018, 4:11 am

broddihare wrote:
I have trouble sticking to agreements about my behavior with my NT spouse. I'm assuming this is related to my HFA. Does anyone else experience this, and how do you manage it so that you stick to your agreements?

Before I was diagnosed I thought I was just incredibly forgetful and/or thoughtless. Thoughtless behavior in particular is hurtful and frustrating to my partner. When it comes to simple, concrete tasks I make up for this by making to-do lists and setting alarms on my phone. But behavioral stuff is more difficult, and where I tend to be more inflexible.

For example, I make my partner uncomfortable when I stare at her in silence for a long time. At the time I feel comfortable, even pleasant. I have defended myself by explaining that I regard my behavior as warm, loving, doting or something similar. I understand and even empathise that she doesn't experience it that way. We have fought about it and discussed it. I have made promises to change my behavior. But I keep falling back on it for no good reason, which causes another cycle of fighting and discussion. This is one of several repeated behaviors.

Now that I know a bit more about the autism spectrum, I understand that I am distressing my NT partner quite deeply by saying I'm going to stop, but not stopping. I believe I should stop. How can I stop?


Why don't you just stare at a photo of her instead...on your phone because it's normal to stare at one's phone...staring at an actual photo on the table would be creepy.



Sahn
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04 Feb 2018, 6:56 pm

broddihare wrote:
I have trouble sticking to agreements about my behavior with my NT spouse. I'm assuming this is related to my HFA. Does anyone else experience this, and how do you manage it so that you stick to your agreements?

Before I was diagnosed I thought I was just incredibly forgetful and/or thoughtless. Thoughtless behavior in particular is hurtful and frustrating to my partner. When it comes to simple, concrete tasks I make up for this by making to-do lists and setting alarms on my phone. But behavioral stuff is more difficult, and where I tend to be more inflexible.

For example, I make my partner uncomfortable when I stare at her in silence for a long time. At the time I feel comfortable, even pleasant. I have defended myself by explaining that I regard my behavior as warm, loving, doting or something similar. I understand and even empathise that she doesn't experience it that way. We have fought about it and discussed it. I have made promises to change my behavior. But I keep falling back on it for no good reason, which causes another cycle of fighting and discussion. This is one of several repeated behaviors.

Now that I know a bit more about the autism spectrum, I understand that I am distressing my NT partner quite
deeply by saying I'm going to stop, but not stopping. I believe I should stop. How can I stop?


If you can just increase awareness to the point where you can notice yourself doing it once, then the change should happen exponentially IME. You already want to stop, so It's not a case of discipline, just a case of bringing awareness to your subconscious habit. I really wish you well in getting your partner's co-operation, resolving the issue will be so much easier once you have this. Can you ask her to gently point it out when you are doing it?
I've had a similar problem :cry: but things got better quite fast and its all in the past now! :D

I often find that my partner is waiting for an emotional response to a problem, and once I've dredged up whatever I can honestly muster in terms of emotion I'm often met with a great deal more sympathy than I expected. It makes me feel absolutely sick to even try and open up that way, but sometimes its the only thing left. All the best.



AutisticRobot
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02 Apr 2018, 6:34 am

Have you tried breaking the silence by saying something kind and warm?

For example:
- "I love you"
- "I like [thing about you]"
- "I am happy you are here with me"

Many people like being told these kinds of thing. It makes them feel comfortable and reassured.



BeaArthur
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03 Apr 2018, 3:13 pm

Sometimes just removing yourself from the situation is a way to end an unwanted behavior.

Example: she catches you staring and says "please don't stare at me!"

Response: say "OK," and get up and go in a different room. It is going to be easier to do that, than to prevent yourself from doing the unwanted behavior.


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Sweetleaf
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03 Apr 2018, 4:34 pm

Well if you have no good reason to keep doing it why do you?

Are you aware of it when you do it, or do you not realize it until she gets after you about it?

I wouldn't like it if someone stared at me without saying anything for a long time, I think most people would dislike that so it would be a good thing to try and stop or at least minimize a lot. I mean biologically it could be seen as a danger signal...Meat eating animals tend to stare at prey before they take it down. Also, animals in general a lot of times stare at each other if they are going to fight, or to warn another animal to stay back.


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