I'd like to offer you my thoughts on your post. This is my first post on this website so I may be a bit confusing but my intention is to help you find some peace within yourself.
I sometimes think of myself as the teenage suicide that never happened. In my youth I was very confused. No matter where I turned or what I did, I never seemed to fit and was left feeling alone. I once asked my Mom to take me to a Psychiatrist because I knew something was wrong with me and I was different. Mom told me only crazy people go to a psychiatrist and I was left to cope by myself.
Through high school I spent much time in the counselors office taking tests to find out where in life I would fit. I learned that my likes and dislikes were most similar to that of a policeman. I made a career choice to be a policeman. The decision was not well received by my Dad who told me if that was all the ambition I had ... He later backed off and said be the best I could be.
My early life wasn't without difficulties and while I left school before graduating with a BS in Police Science to have a child. Without giving a complete history of my adult life, let me say that I am now 69 years old. Finally, I know why I was different so many years ago. I am on the autism spectrum, I am also face-blind & have some difficulty in controlling my emotions.
Over the years, I tried psychologist for myself and others in my family. I think the counseling was similar to taking a pain pill. It allowed me to vent my frustrations but it never provided answers to my questions of frustrations. Socially I was a disaster. Even though I tried, I was always faced with the knowledge that I didn't fit because of my difference that I could not identify.
I was hired as a Police Officer and worked at that the first time 8 months and the second time 6 months. I was devastated at my failures. In the end, I worked for insurance companies determining the causes of events that resulted in claims for the insurance to pay. I found a job where at least my attention to details were valuable and my social ineptitude was mostly hidden because I mostly worked alone and submitted reports.
I wonder why and how was I able to have a job and succeed at work with the feelings I carry with me inside? I think my answer is my anger or stubbornness. I would not allow someone else (parents) to chose my path through life. Without knowing my challenges and having little support, I first learned how to identify people by the details of their physical being. Socially, I was sort of a loaner but always was physically involved in some sport. That then put me in social contact with other like minded people. As long as the subject was the activity, I became pretty good at hiding in a crowd. It's not like I didn't have social bumps and failures, I had many. This strategy worked well or at least I thought it did until I was injured while snow skiing and had to move forward with a permanent injury compliments of a bad doctor.
I was 64 years old when I learned of Prosopagnosia (face blindness), I just turned 69 when I first had a diagnosis of ASD. I am extremely sad that I lived a lifetime with challenges that affected my life in the ways they did. My feelings of embarrassment make me want to hide and never see another person again. Now I learn that this thing called Alexithymia might be yet another previously unknown"spectrum disorder" that has affected my life.
I pray that each person who reads this finds some peace in knowing how capable and powerful you all are. While none of can take away the cognitive challenge(s) we face, the fact that we can still make this journey we call life is beyond amazing. Each of us are able to make choices and find some enjoyment in our journey
A goal I offer to all; We each one of us has been given a Life Journey. We will proceed from our birth to our death. Some believe that God experiences life through each of us and our individual lives. I have more questions than answers but I want my Life Journey to mean something to me. I don't fixate on the challenge, I look forward to the adventure and the experience. Consider that our planet is what like 13 billion years old and we get to live less than 100 years. This life has to be a gift, make your gift the best it can be with whatever tools and challenges you have. I hope you too can make your journey something you can find joy in.
As for me, I can be very sad at the failures of my life. I chose to be happy and proud of my life and the accomplishments I achieved, in spite of my challenges.
_________________
To Think is to create. What are you thinking now.
Anything the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.
Never give power for your happiness to another.
To begin retirement, we traveled around and My Wife did a blog from 2010 to July/2014. That was after we stopped traveling and moved to our home without wheels. If you want to see our experience, here is the blog link:
https://navigatingtheunknown.blogspot.com(FYI: it makes me very nervous to share this. I think it's why I belong on wrongplanet. I've always tried to fit somewhere)
26 Jan 2018, 11:38 am
