No one ever has time for my parties anymore

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Hi:
I used to have better luck in getting people to come to my things in which I would get more "yesses" and most of these people are on the spectrum. Lately, I have been getting a lot of "No's" and non-responses from people and I admit that it hurts. Sure people come but it's usually no more than 5 while most of them say no and I am getting tired of it.

I would like to say something to some of these people without blowing up, having a tantrum or making them feel bad. How can I let them know I am bothered by this without sounding needy or desperate.

I'm not sure you can, because they'll automatically go on the defensive as a matter of self-protection if you frame it as a criticism - and that's what they will hear, with this approach, no matter what you intend.

(Why do I say this? Because they're already turning you down. They've already invested in saying no - they're not saying "I would like to, but..." and explaining. That means they're distancing themselves. At this point, anything that seems like criticism to them will only result in more distance. Yes, it sucks. It's what people do, though.)

If you can frame it as an open ended question, and (most important!) if you can set aside your feelings in the moment and try just to focus on what they say, and take it in, and not react even if you think they are totally wrong and what they say is painful to hear, then you may find out what you need to know.

It can't be about *telling* them anything - it can't be about your emotional need. It absolutely has to be about a need for information, only. And you really have to be able to set emotional responses aside as much as possible, to focus on that information, or it won't work.

This is hard to do for anybody. For the best chance of success, pick the least drama-addicted and least socially competitive among the ones who are saying no, and ask that person. In a neutral setting. And try not to react to their reply except to ask neutral, clarifying questions, and to tell them thank you. Then, whatever you do, don't talk to anyone else about what they told you - if you decide to ask others, treat those conversations as totally separate.

This is a lot of emotional work, but it's the best way to defuse tensions going in, and it's the best way to assure, as far as you can, that you get useful information out of the discussion(s).

Believe me on this. People are strange - the more you need from them, the less they're willing to give, much of the time. But you can, if you're neutral and objective, possibly find out why you've been hurt. It may not make sense, it may be totally unreasonable, but what is important is first to find out why. After that, you can decide how to follow up.

Good luck. If it helps at all, I've been there, and when I asked, I found a small group of my colleagues who resented the hell out of me for having actually done and learned the things I'd done and learned that were on my resume. This came out in the way they responded to careful questions. There was nothing there to fix. Those particular people just sucked, individually and as a group. I was able to write them off, though, with a clear conscience after that.

People sometimes grow apart. Maybe try making new friends who share your interests. Because to be blunt it sounds like whatever goes on at these parties is not fun for your current friends. And the people who do come are trying to be polite to you so they do hurt your feelings. Maybe they still emjoy it but if for example they only seem to stay a little while and ALWAYS have an excise to leave they are probably being polite.

I have been there myself. I thought I would be the "cool guy" and throw parties in school when parents were out of town. I could not pull it off. Of course as an adult I am glad I did not people disrespect my parent's house.

It's also possible depending on your age that the time for a "party" has passed for your friends because they married with kids now. So them saying no is nothing personal it's just not what they are doing with their life now. I also dealt with that myself.

I would say something like "please come to my party it would be a lot if you there" They say no I say "too bad but I understand". I think that shows you want them around but it's also not pushy,. They have a right to feelings too.

Also consider if they are on the spectrum there could be some social anxiety and they just don't know how to talk to you at a party. I think many of us can relate to that.

A friend of mine who is an A.A. sponsor told me about how difficult it is to keep new members ("sponsees") interested in maintaining their sobriety. Many of them stumble somewhat initially, and ask him why he keeps reminding them about the next meeting even when they "say" they don't want to do the hard work. They apologize for "forgetting" their one-on-one meetings, and suggest that he must hate them for failing.

He explains to them that he is doing exactly what he wants to do, that he is fulfilling his promise to "be there" for them. He tells them that he upholds his end of the relationship even if they don't. That way, he hasn't failed, but they do sometimes, and he doesn't mind.

So, in a not-so-similar way, maybe you could start by realizing that, yes, you have just four or five friends attending your parties, especially when you do all the work to arrange them. But, you are doing your end of the relationships by inviting them, showing an interest in their lives, and doing what it takes to entertain them for a few hours. To these friends, you are exactly what they need, even if they don't always attend.

On a more practical level, ask your friends what they would like your parties to be. Just a Blu-ray movie and some popcorn? Or, maybe more discussion-based? An outing to a local bowling center? Invite them to tweak your parties just enough to ensure their ongoing interests. Do that, and you will enjoy seeing your friends happy.

Good luck!

In my experience, house parties during winter don't go over well unless its a Christmas/New Year's thing. Summertime is when people are most likely to party, even if they have to do stuff the next day. Winter kills the party vibe, man.

I hate parties. I'd rather just relax home in my bed, watching YouTube.

I don't mind a nice "get together" and could use to meet new people. Just sayin

My party that I am having this time is a platonic valentines theme party with the traditional exchanging of valentines like we did in elementary school of kind of a fun theme. However, there are other adult things like playing board games and eating appetizers.

Could I ask them if that theme is unappealing?

It sounds like a lot of fun, actually.

One tactical point, though. I'm sure you've already thought of this but I'd feel remiss if I didn't mention it (and it turned out you hadn't thought of it).

Depending on which day/evening it falls on, you may get some turndowns from people with Valentine's dates on their calendars, or people who've already made anti-Valentine plans ahead of time. None of that would be a reflection on you.

Good luck, this sounds like fun and I hope it turns out well .

It was going to be on a sunday night from 5-8 pm but I decided to cancel it because I felt that most people were going to say no.

^^That's a great idea.

Don’t be too hard on yourself, a lot of people can just never be bothered doing anything. It sucks, though. Hope you can meet some more interesting people soon.

It could just be an aged-based thing, rather than anything personal. I've found that now I and my friends and aquaintences are gettting older, our diaries have become so complex that it's a minor miracle to get more than three of us together at once.

I'd go if you lived near me! I've seen your posts around here and you seem like a decent person I'd like to get to know

I talked to several people who I had invited and it's mixed

1. Some take public transportation and have told me that it's hard to get out to my area
2. Some of them are married and have their own schedules
3. Others who I work with are students like myself and have projects for school
4. Others at work are experiencing lots of major crunch time.

I have spoken to several people and they told me that they aren't on the spectrum and have tried to get people together but are having a difficult time so they are finding a small group of two-four people and suggesting that they meet for coffee or go out to lunch. Which I am going to try in addition to using doodle.