18 Year Old Autistic Daughter Obsessed with 15 Year Old

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AlyssasDad
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26 Jan 2018, 3:38 pm

My high-functioning yet emotionally/intellectually delayed autistic daughter has found a boy that likes her.

The boy is also special needs but to a much lesser degree and he seems like a nice kid -- soft spoken, well-behaved.

The problem is that he's 15 and she just turned 18. Legal ramifications aside, she's obsessed with him -- as in she has gotten up to leave the classroom without permission if she sees him in the hall, butted into conversations when he was talking with his case manager at school, refused to get on the school bus leaving school until she could talk with him (they aren't in any classes together).

Her case manager at school is going to talk with her and I'm, of course, not allowing any dating to occur and she doesn't have access to a phone at home (unless we give her the phone) to trying to call him over and over. So far, he hasn't complained nor have his parents.

I'm not sure how to get her to understand the legal problems she could have if she was to be involved with this boy. I only wish he were older as he is a nice kid and I think would treat her well (from what I know so far, caveat emptor).

Any ideas on how to get her to realize that the age difference is such that she can't be dating him? The problem is that this is the first time a boy has shown interest in her so she doesn't want to give him up (you know, there won't EVER be ANOTHER ONE! :P )

All I've read online is about 18 year old BOYS dating 15 year old GIRLS and, of course, that's a BAD idea too, not to mention illegal almost everywhere (I think/hope). Not much on the opposite.

- AlyssasDad



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26 Jan 2018, 3:47 pm

is she planning to attend college?

does she have any friends or interest groups / hobbies?



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26 Jan 2018, 4:05 pm

with an age gap that wide i would worry about him being too immature for her, but i don't know if/how her autism would affect that.

with similar age diffences and an older male, they seem to usually (kind of) be on equal footing since teenaged girls are, in my experience, more mature than similarly aged boys, but maybe 3 years is a bit much to be on equal footing.

have you met him? what do her friends think if applicable?

as far as i know it's only illegal if they have sex. when i turned 18, my girlfriend was still 15 for a month before she turned 16, nobody i knew had a problem with it, 14 and 17 is certainly too weird.


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Disconaut
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26 Jan 2018, 4:21 pm

When I was 18, I lived four hours from home, paid my own rent, and worked full time. Is your daughter actually high functioning, or is this just something you're telling yourself? Like I said - I'm considered high functioning and by 18, dating was a breeze and my parents certainly weren't involved in that aspect of my life whatsoever. So your daughter is an adult, and you don't "allow" her to date, she isn't "allowed" to have a phone, and she has a "case manager". Either she's not high functioning at all, or you're overstepping what you are legally allowed to do.

I don't really know what to tell you. Personally I see nothing wrong with a 15 and 18 year old dating. The real issue to me is a country where kids are at risk of jail time for exploring their sexuality, and a society where parental involvement in the dating lives of their nearly grown children is acceptable.



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26 Jan 2018, 4:28 pm

Disconaut wrote:
When I was 18, I lived four hours from home, paid my own rent, and worked full time. Is your daughter actually high functioning, or is this just something you're telling yourself? Like I said - I'm considered high functioning and by 18, dating was a breeze and my parents certainly weren't involved in that aspect of my life whatsoever. So your daughter is an adult, and you don't "allow" her to date, she isn't "allowed" to have a phone, and she has a "case manager". Either she's not high functioning at all, or you're overstepping what you are legally allowed to do.

I don't really know what to tell you. Personally I see nothing wrong with a 15 and 18 year old dating. The real issue to me is a country where kids are at risk of jail time for exploring their sexuality, and a society where parental involvement in the dating lives of their nearly grown children is acceptable.

I think you should consider the possibility that you have absolutely no idea what the tern 'high functioning' actually means.



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26 Jan 2018, 4:34 pm

fluffysaurus wrote:
Disconaut wrote:
When I was 18, I lived four hours from home, paid my own rent, and worked full time. Is your daughter actually high functioning, or is this just something you're telling yourself? Like I said - I'm considered high functioning and by 18, dating was a breeze and my parents certainly weren't involved in that aspect of my life whatsoever. So your daughter is an adult, and you don't "allow" her to date, she isn't "allowed" to have a phone, and she has a "case manager". Either she's not high functioning at all, or you're overstepping what you are legally allowed to do.

I don't really know what to tell you. Personally I see nothing wrong with a 15 and 18 year old dating. The real issue to me is a country where kids are at risk of jail time for exploring their sexuality, and a society where parental involvement in the dating lives of their nearly grown children is acceptable.

I think you should consider the possibility that you have absolutely no idea what the tern 'high functioning' actually means.


Or, OP should be honest. He says his daughter is "high functioning, but intellectually delayed". In order for someone to be diagnosed as high functioning ASD, you need to have an average to above average level of intelligence and no cognitive delays. If there are cognitive delays, its not high functioning. Therein lies the biggest problem with combining the autism and Asperger's diagnosis into ASD. High functioning is Asperger's, which it does not sound like his daughter has.



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26 Jan 2018, 4:36 pm

Have you considered speaking to his parents to make sure everyone's ok with things, they would also be the people to talk to their son which would be much harder for you to do. If they don't have a problem with it, and are able to discus eg ground rules with their son that might help.



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27 Jan 2018, 12:08 am

Oh for the love of God, she's 18 years old! With some guidance she is well more than old enough to date. Please let her out of the protective bubble you have her trapped in.


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27 Jan 2018, 1:12 am

I suppose it depends on how the statutory laws are in DC, but typically, the law won't get involved if it is the male who is the minor. I'm not a father, however.

It does sound like he's become too much of a distraction, though. I wouldn't know how to deal with it either, but I assume they'll only be attending the same school for a few more months.

Young love is fleeting.


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27 Jan 2018, 3:39 am

Disconaut wrote:
fluffysaurus wrote:
Disconaut wrote:
When I was 18, I lived four hours from home, paid my own rent, and worked full time. Is your daughter actually high functioning, or is this just something you're telling yourself? Like I said - I'm considered high functioning and by 18, dating was a breeze and my parents certainly weren't involved in that aspect of my life whatsoever. So your daughter is an adult, and you don't "allow" her to date, she isn't "allowed" to have a phone, and she has a "case manager". Either she's not high functioning at all, or you're overstepping what you are legally allowed to do.

I don't really know what to tell you. Personally I see nothing wrong with a 15 and 18 year old dating. The real issue to me is a country where kids are at risk of jail time for exploring their sexuality, and a society where parental involvement in the dating lives of their nearly grown children is acceptable.

I think you should consider the possibility that you have absolutely no idea what the tern 'high functioning' actually means.


Or, OP should be honest. He says his daughter is "high functioning, but intellectually delayed". In order for someone to be diagnosed as high functioning ASD, you need to have an average to above average level of intelligence and no cognitive delays. If there are cognitive delays, its not high functioning. Therein lies the biggest problem with combining the autism and Asperger's diagnosis into ASD. High functioning is Asperger's, which it does not sound like his daughter has.


Sorry, but if you actually read the DSM-5 definitions, severity (Level 1, 2, 3) is based on "social communication impairments and restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior"
So you are inferring your own meaning of high functioning. It may very well be that she has mild autistic behaviours AND intellectual impairment, which would be a separate but related diagnosis

I suggest you trust that OP knows his daughter's level of understanding, and her limitations

As for the OP...

I agree with speaking to the other kid's parents, telling them you don't want to embarrass either of them and you're just being friendly and keeping an eye on things - they will probably appreciate that.

And sitting down with your daughter and explaining two things. One, she can be friendly towards him but needs to understand what "boundaries" are (if he is talking to someone else, do not interrupt because he is his own person)

Two, that a sexual relationship with a minor will get her in trouble. I don't know how you can put that any simpler honestly. I assume you have had some conversations with her about sex and sexuality, protecting herself etc. It is fair to bring that up and address legal ramifications also. I wouldn't address it specifically at this boy, but maybe as a general conversation "When you consider dating/relationships, these are the rules you need to understand". Autistic people are good at learning "rules", so prepare some to explain. If she understands what the rules are and why they shouldn't be broken, then she will be more likely to follow them



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27 Jan 2018, 5:09 am

Let's set the record straight here: an 18-year-old merely dating a 15-year-old is not illegal in any sense of the word. It only starts getting to that point if sex is involved, which I'm inclined to doubt it will be this early on. It's entirely possible her obsession with him is strictly platonic - something you've evidently failed to consider.

Just let her see him if she wants to, but do make sure they don't start having sex until the boy is 18. Assuming they start a romantic relationship and the thing lasts that long to begin with.


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27 Jan 2018, 5:17 am

whatamievendoing wrote:
do make sure they don't start having sex



that would be




very hard



to ensure.


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27 Jan 2018, 5:41 am

AlyssasDad wrote:
My high-functioning yet emotionally/intellectually delayed autistic daughter has found a boy that likes her.

The boy is also special needs but to a much lesser degree and he seems like a nice kid -- soft spoken, well-behaved.

The problem is that he's 15 and she just turned 18. Legal ramifications aside, she's obsessed with him -- as in she has gotten up to leave the classroom without permission if she sees him in the hall, butted into conversations when he was talking with his case manager at school, refused to get on the school bus leaving school until she could talk with him (they aren't in any classes together).

Her case manager at school is going to talk with her and I'm, of course, not allowing any dating to occur and she doesn't have access to a phone at home (unless we give her the phone) to trying to call him over and over. So far, he hasn't complained nor have his parents.

I'm not sure how to get her to understand the legal problems she could have if she was to be involved with this boy. I only wish he were older as he is a nice kid and I think would treat her well (from what I know so far, caveat emptor).

Any ideas on how to get her to realize that the age difference is such that she can't be dating him? The problem is that this is the first time a boy has shown interest in her so she doesn't want to give him up (you know, there won't EVER be ANOTHER ONE! :P )

All I've read online is about 18 year old BOYS dating 15 year old GIRLS and, of course, that's a BAD idea too, not to mention illegal almost everywhere (I think/hope). Not much on the opposite.

- AlyssasDad


I'm not a lawyer but I don't believe that platonic dating between a 18 year old and 15 year old is illegal, only sexual activity. My family would not have had much of a problem with a 3 year gap and the first prom my sister went to was the senior prom with a senior, I believe when she was a freshman. If they both want to associate with each other, and his parents don't have a problem with it and they are supervised at all times by an adult, I don't see a problem with them associating.

As for not allowing your daughter to date in general. I don't think that's fair to her because people, even when they are intellectually delayed, often desire companionship. You might consider chaperoned dating. There was a man who used to work at the local supermarket in my town as a bag boy, who had Down's Syndrome, and he had a "fiancee" who also had Down's Syndrome. Also keep in mind that intellectually delayed individuals are not the same as perpetual children and shouldn't be treated as such. Many of them are aware that they have more restrictions on their lives than others of their age and become frustrated by this and I think it's important to try to give them as normal a life as possible while keeping their limitations in consideration.



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27 Jan 2018, 5:44 am

whatamievendoing wrote:
It's entirely possible her obsession with him is strictly platonic - something you've evidently failed to consider.


When have you ever heard of someone developing platonic limerence? It's almost impossible by its very definition

Perhaps you mean she is only romantically and not sexually interested in him. I almost feel offended on her behalf. They are two sides of the same coin, and being autistic with an intellectual impairment makes no difference to that. Even the most severely handicapped in society are still human beings who experience sexual romantic attraction. She may be less likely to act on it if she doesn't understand those feelings in herself, but they would most certainly be there



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27 Jan 2018, 6:02 am

honeymiel wrote:
whatamievendoing wrote:
It's entirely possible her obsession with him is strictly platonic - something you've evidently failed to consider.


Perhaps you mean she is only romantically and not sexually interested in him.


Yes, that is in fact what I meant. Bad choice of wording, I guess.


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27 Jan 2018, 6:12 am

Kiprobalhato wrote:
whatamievendoing wrote:
do make sure they don't start having sex



that would be




very hard



to ensure.


Not really. The dates just have to be chaperoned.