Aspergers or depression?

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I honestly don't know if it's because I have Aspergers or depression that I feel bad wherever I go or if it's a combination of both.

I can be playing video games at an arcade or even by myself and my mind will still think about the things that male me feel empty. I can eat a good meal but still feel upset that I am eating it by myself. I can see a band live but hate that I am surrounded by couples. I can find a bunch of comic books I've been searching for but I'll still feel like I don't have enough or that I don't have anyone to share my findings with.

I am always out of the rhythm of life.

I would say it's more your depression talking than your Asperger's talking.

I tried to be open minded but I was told I was "gay", "weird", and other demeaning things as well as rejected from social circles and considered a lost cause. I feel like society hates open mindedness and encourages aggression towards anything "deviant".

Or perhaps you are just doing something wrong.

I am not. I live in the Bible Belt.

Ok, lets say it's all society's fault.

Now what? You gonna stay depressed forever?

I am doomed to depression forever. I've been depressed since I was a child. I inherited it from my family's genetics and the environment I grew up in made it worse. I wanted to join in with others but I was always told to go away. Even as an adult, I am told the same thing.

I too had chronic depression since I was a child, and for that matter not a good family environment either, on this issue I am not coming from a place of ignorance. I have lately had a breakthrough, and it seems to me there are problems in your thinking holding you back from doing the same.

Some autistics can manage fine outside society, those like us on the other hand see what we are missing and it causes deep psychological problems. It seems to me that unless you want to stay depressed forever you are going to have to make the first move and ask yourself what you can do to change things. There is only one choice that isn't stupid.

Read what you are writing. You keep stating that you were rejected, but there is no decent explanation of why you were rejected. Have you ever asked anyone specifically what it is?

I live in a messed up culture that only respects machismo and thinks anything that clashes with that paradigm is "weird" or "wrong". If I ask why, I am told I am a "fa***t" or "b***h".

Is the problem that you are different, or that you cannot stand up for your difference? It's a machismo culture, have you earned respect?

I don't fit the mold of what a male is supposed to be where I live. You are supposed to suppress your emotions, pump iron like crazy, worship football even more than God, listen to country music or rap music depending on your demographic, and call anything artistic or literary "gay". I have weak muscles and whatever I say to the bullies doesn't register with them so they overwhelm me both physically and mentally.

Being different is a signal you're on your own, separate from the herd, that makes you target number one for predators. Or to use a chimp analogy unless you stick up for yourself you will be assigned a low social status that makes people not want to be seen to associate with you.

Bullies prey on the weak. They prey on the weak because they are fundamentally cowardly and they know there is little risk in it and it boosts their own status. You need to make it risky. I had plenty of my own experience with bullies over a long period of time. I wasn't exactly a tough kid by any means but funnily enough when I choke-slammed one of them against the wall so hard and long I could have choked him to death and made it clear I would do it, they stopped. In fact after that event and a few others I had people at the top of the social ladder including me in things.

As for liking the same things other people like, you don't have to to be able to socialise. This is an important thing to learn. Socialising has little to do with the people having common interests precisely, although those can develop from socialising, it's about being interested (and importantly showing interest) in what someone has to say and learning from it.

As for weak muscles, well why not do something about that? Go to a gym, or if you don't feel up to that buy some heavy dumbbells, barbell and a bench and make a home gym. That's what I've done, and if you do it properly (that's important, most people don't) you can build muscle very quickly.

I used to go to a gym for years but my body would never respond to the exercise. I didn't expect to come out looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger but you'd think I would look more toned than I do.

There are parables and legends about people travelling to different lands because they did not fit in
where they were.

I hope you are able to move out of that area. It sounds like a fresh start and a different culture would benefit you immensely.

I would bet money on that being because you weren't doing it properly, it's not simple to do it right. There can be lots of reasons; for instance not taking long enough for each rep to properly strain a muscle, people want it over as soon as possible to finish the set. Another one is not realising you have to individually work all the muscles in a group to get strong enough to get any use out of certain exercises that use muscle combinations. Diet is another important one. If all the guys around you are into pumping iron, ask for some advice from someone who clearly knows what they're doing.

I had let myself go a bit and could barely do 15-20 press-ups and feel like I was dying in the process, now after about a week of on-and-off but focused training I can do at least 50 while not breaking a sweat.

But anyway quit the excuses and try to improve yourself so you can fit in, and don't be half-assed about it. You haven't exactly got anything to lose.

Last edited by thewheel on 30 Jan 2018, 10:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Why would I want to fit in with the rednecks, 'gangstas', and hyper religious people in my area?