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FunkyPunky
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31 Jan 2018, 5:34 pm

I have depression. Usually I can get through it but lately I've been getting into a lot of arguments with people that tend to really upset them and knowing that people don't like me makes my depression worse. If you make enough people feel bad do you deserve to feel bad too?



hale_bopp
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01 Feb 2018, 1:07 am

I don’t know. My spiritual beliefs believe me to lean towards “yes”, (although that side of it is a lot deeper than the odd petty argument.) but according to my logical beliefs, it’s a no. A sensitive subject, and very relative.



mrshappyhands
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01 Feb 2018, 1:22 am

If an individual has Tourette's and says or does something to offend someone should they feel bad about it? No. They can't help it. In the same manner, a person with depression can lash out at times due to inner pain and conflict.

There are methods to help with impulse control, but ultimately it is still an illness - and you shouldn't feel bad about that. Those who truly love us understand and know we are struggling. It sucks, I know. I can focus on all the horrible things I've said and done due to stress/anxiety/depression or I can choose to look forward and focus on better methods to help myself and triggers.



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01 Feb 2018, 1:35 am

If you hurt others on purpose then yes, but if not, then no. But if your intention is to hurt someone from the beginning then you probably won't feel bad about doing so.

In any case, depressed or not you're still responsible for the things you do and say, so try to think things through before you act.



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01 Feb 2018, 1:50 am

It's not really about deserving anything but every action has a consequence

Have you tried making up with these people? It's possible they're over it and aren't upset anymore


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kraftiekortie
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01 Feb 2018, 9:02 am

Nobody deserves having bad stuff happen to them----if they don't cause bad stuff to happen to others.



FunkyPunky
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01 Feb 2018, 11:15 am

I'm not entirely sure if it's my fault or not. I'm on another forum where a new "diversity" thread pops up at least once a week because somebody wants to brag about how not-white whatever art they're working on is. And it always bugs me. They don't actually care about representing other ethnicities. This is just a way to stroke their own ego by changing "white" to "black" and "straight" to "gay." And I tell them so followed by my belief that art goes downhill fast when the artist puts hitting people over the head with their political views over, you know, telling a good story or making good art. Diversity will stop being so rare (not that it's even rare now) when they stop bringing attention to it like they're that minority's personal Jesus Christ. That always goes over about as well as you'd expect so I've been labeled the "homophobic white supremacist" of the group even though I've never actually said anything against either of those groups. Just the idiots using them to get attention for themselves. It seems like common sense to me but the fact that people clearly don't like me because of it makes me depressed.



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02 Feb 2018, 8:49 am

FunkyPunky wrote:
I have depression. Usually I can get through it but lately I've been getting into a lot of arguments with people that tend to really upset them and knowing that people don't like me makes my depression worse. If you make enough people feel bad do you deserve to feel bad too?


What is triggering these arguments because stress comes with depression? As far as people disliking you goes, remember that you aren't in control of their choices and they aren't going to change their minds. What you need to remember is that their opinions of you are THEIR problem and not yours. There is nothing wrong with you but what's wrong with them.

Yet, it's okay to be sad because you feel hurt and disappointed that a group of people doesn't like you because you want to be accepted. It also gives you a chance to feel sorry for people like that.

Regarding your arguements, do you like guided meditations? Great recommendations
1. "Releasing Anger" by the Honest Guys.
2. "Letting Go"By the Honest guys
3. "Mindfulness" The Honest Guys
4. "Inner peace" The Honest Guys.
5. "Letting go" Madeline Reinhardt."

I am sure there are plenty on depression



FunkyPunky
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02 Feb 2018, 10:17 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
What is triggering these arguments because stress comes with depression?


Because 1. it's in a public forum and 2. if they're really interested in diversity I figured they wouldn't complain if someone came in with an opinion different than there's. Apparently that isn't the case. They just wanted to pat each other on the back for being so doggone awesome and inclusive.



Summer_Twilight
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02 Feb 2018, 11:11 am

FunkyPunky, awesome. :D I work in a center that is pushing to promote diversity and inclusion and our objective is to use "Nothing about us without us" by working with agencies and various boards and councils with self-advocates who hold the same views that you do next to living on the spectrum myself.

If those people don't like what you have to say then it means that
A. They have some levels of insecurity because they are hurting. Most of the time, hurting people hurt others without realizing it as they are off in their own little world.
B. They ill-educated/ill-trained
C. They don't like you because they sound manipulative and want you to fit into some little mold and you are proving to them that you aren't going to fit into their agenda

Again, there isn't anything wrong with you but with them, because you don't want to fit into some mold along with being outspoken and straightforward with people. Most people who like to manipulate others into doing what they want hate us because you and I aren't letting them have their way but that's on them.

I am the same way myself :D and I used to feel so bad for this and think that I was a "Freak" but once I matured, I learned that real people don't make you feel bad for not fitting into some mold like that. Those people are called "Toxic." If you can, get away from these people and find ones who don't act like this.



FunkyPunky
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02 Feb 2018, 11:17 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Again, there isn't anything wrong with you but with them, because you don't want to fit into some mold along with being outspoken and straightforward with people. Most people who like to manipulate others into doing what they want hate us because you and I aren't letting them have their way but that's on them.

The ironic thing is I don't disagree with them. I think diversity is all well and good. I just don't like it when people use it as a marketing ploy without putting any real thought into it. Basically they're taking their story and pressing ctrl+f and replacing "white" with "black" everywhere they see it and then bragging about how diverse their cast suddenly is and how everyone else needs to be like them or else they're racist.

Basically I have two stances on the subject: 1. diversity will spread naturally if people shut up about it and quit making it look like this weird unnatural thing that people have to be forced to accept. 2. if you're going to make a big deal about someone's race or sex or whatever then remember Chekhov's Gun: if you bring it to the audience's attention, you have to do something with it.



Summer_Twilight
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02 Feb 2018, 11:46 am

FunkyPunky wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
Again, there isn't anything wrong with you but with them, because you don't want to fit into some mold along with being outspoken and straightforward with people. Most people who like to manipulate others into doing what they want hate us because you and I aren't letting them have their way but that's on them.

The ironic thing is I don't disagree with them. I think diversity is all well and good. I just don't like it when people use it as a marketing ploy without putting any real thought into it. Basically they're taking their story and pressing ctrl+f and replacing "white" with "black" everywhere they see it and then bragging about how diverse their cast suddenly is and how everyone else needs to be like them or else they're racist.

Basically I have two stances on the subject: 1. diversity will spread naturally if people shut up about it and quit making it look like this weird unnatural thing that people have to be forced to accept. 2. if you're going to make a big deal about someone's race or sex or whatever then remember Chekhov's Gun: if you bring it to the audience's attention, you have to do something with it.


Then it sounds like you are pushing back and that's a good thing :). I agree that "Actions speak louder than words." We don't talk about inclusion,we do it by action for others to see.



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06 Feb 2018, 5:22 pm

I don't think anyone really deserves to feel bad, but they can cause their own stress at times. It takes two to fight.



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09 Feb 2018, 9:47 am

Quote:
If you make enough people feel bad do you deserve to feel bad too?


There have been times in my life where I believed that I deserved to feel bad. People around me would say “Treat others how you would wish to be treated”, and I’d always wonder “But, what if I wish to be treated badly because I think that I deserve to be treated badly? Should I then treat others likewise?”

Unfortunately, the problem with that saying is that it was never intended for that situation, it assumes that everyone wants to be treated well, but that isn’t always the case. Some people want to be treated badly, because they think that’s what they deserve, to be treated that way, and they believe that it’s only fair.

Often these people do not wish to inflict the same treatment on others that they inflict on themselves. They believe that only they should suffer rather than anyone else around them. Essentially becoming their own bully.

They get so warped up in their self-hatred that they start to think “It’s what the World wants/ I’m doing everyone a favour by punishing myself”, and fail to realise that punishing themselves doesn’t benefit others.

“But it’s what I deserve, I make everyone feel bad!” they might argue, but chances are that isn’t true.

There are many reasons why we might think that we make people feel bad, but often the truth is more complicated than that.

People can have a tendency to spotlight their own mistakes, we think “I can’t believe I did *insert action here*! Now I’m going to be forever known as the person who *insert memory here*, and I bet everyone wants to see me punished for doing that! I’ll never live it down!”

When actually, you’d be surprised at how quickly others can move on from your mistakes. You might spend a lot of time worrying over whether someone will hate you, over something which could easily be insignificant to them.

I’ve been on both sides of this, i.e. apologised for something I did ages ago, only for someone to say “Oh yeah, admittedly I completely forgot that you did that so um…I don’t really care, but it’s nice you apologised I guess”.

Also, I’ve had a friend apologise years later for something she did, and at that point I’d forgiven her ages ago, but she kept insisting that I let her make it up to me, since she still felt bad about it... despite it being fairly insignificant to me.

I don’t think that by itself “Making people feel bad” is inherently always a bad thing. Rather, it’s more about the context and intent. Sometimes it is even necessary, calling out someone’s bad behaviour or mistakes might make them feel bad, but the situation might require it.


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