I don't know what to do.

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My girlfriend of two years broke up with me in September. At the time, I had no idea that anything was wrong with the relationship and got blindsided when she told me she was leaving me for someone else that fit into her lifestyle more. Basically, she told me I was too boring and repetitive with how I wanted to spend our time together and needed more spontaneity in her life. I didn't get upset, however, because of how distraught she was. We were best friends and she really didn't want to hurt me. She still wanted to be friends, in fact. Seeing her so upset sent me into boyfriend mode and I just spent the whole time trying to comfort her until she eventually left. The rest of that day was relatively fine, but since then, I've done nothing but spiral out of control.

I spent the next month putting her through hell because she had to watch me self destruct over the whole thing until I finally got on Concerta and saw how terrible I was to her, but then I had to get off of it because of side effects and have been bouncing around between medications ever since. I've been trying to accommodate her and be her friend, but everything is too painful for me because I still love her after all this time and she left me with so many unanswered questions that I always end up just wanting to talk about us whenever we communicate. I'm caught between the part of me that just wants to make things work between us and the one that just wants her back and it's killing me. I spent three days in a mental hospital before Christmas because I was borderline suicidal and now I'm sitting in my own home with breathing problems and constant worry because my anxiety and depression are the worst they've been in my entire life.

Everything I try and do to make things better makes me feel like the bad guy after the fact and it makes me continuously hate everything about myself. She keeps telling me I didn't do anything wrong and that the relationship ended because of her, but she wouldn't have broken up with me if I didn't. I can't stop blaming myself and I can't stop pushing her away. She used to want to help me so much and now I'm starting to annoy her because I'm not over this yet and it makes me feel like there's a hole in my chest because now she's telling me that I need to let go after two years of the exact opposite.

It's been five months and I'm in the exact same spot I was the day after it happened, but I know myself and I absolutely should still not be like this. Nothing helps either. Medication either doesn't work or tries to kill me and therapy gave me too much anxiety to continue it because it was just drudging up all my issues and she's really the only person I can talk to anyway. At this point, I feel like she'll just have to leave me behind and I can't handle that. My entire existence right now is just trying to distract myself from having any semblance of an emotion and I hate it.

This whole situation is making me hate myself. When we were together, I could look past my shortcomings because I still had her at the end of the day because she could ease my symptoms. I didn't even need medication when we were together, but now my issues with the things I can't do are all I can focus on. All of my artistic ideas are clashing with my complete absence of artistic skill and it's destroying my life because it makes me feel like I'm trapped with no way to get all these ideas out of my head after trying every medium imaginable. I feel like a failure at everything after failing to hold onto the one person I cared about most. I have nothing to take pride in or rely on for happiness and I can't stay that way, but all of the things I want to do with my life are things that I'm the worst at. I can't accept anything for the way it is anymore and it's ruining me.

I feel completely hopeless and I'm on the road to losing the person I care about most.

Help.

I'm very sorry to hear that.

At the time, I had no idea that anything was wrong with the relationship and got blindsided when she told me she was leaving me for someone else that fit into her lifestyle more. Basically, she told me I was too boring and repetitive with how I wanted to spend our time together and needed more spontaneity in her life.[/quote]

A bit harsh but at least she was honest.



It's ok to be friendly but I don't advise being friends because I think you both have to go your own ways at the moment.



This is why you should move on rather than try to pretend to be a friend. You two are broken up, she is moving on, what do you have to accommodate her for? Move on so you can heal. If you happen to cross paths in the future and a relationship is feasible at that time, fine, but I wouldn't try to be a friend when you can't.



It sounds like she provided you with all the answers you are going to get when she broke up with you.



I think it's important to understand that relationships are a lot more about the dynamics between two people rather than doing something right and doing something wrong. They are like a dance that is completely improvised. Sometimes both people are waltz people and they dance smoothly. Sometimes someone is a waltz person and someone else is a tango person, and the dynamics between them just doesn't work. Sometimes people do do things wrong in a relationship...they are abusive, cheat on their spouse, or are disrespectful in some way, and those things a person should work on to change, but when it's an issue of dynamics more than doing something wrong, which it sounds like it is in this case, then it isn't really anything you can change. If you are a waltz person and she is a tango person, you can learn to tango but you probably wouldn't be happy doing it.



These things can take time to heal from. If you don't try to move on and keep engaging with her, you risk permanently damaging your rapport with her and that will destroy your chances of a future relationship with her when you both might be in a different place in your lives. Some things just need to be let alone for a while.



Find ways to keep yourself active and preoccupied. As I said, goodbye is not always forever. Sometimes goodbye is really a "see you later".

It sounds like you have focused on drugs a lot but not formal counseling which at least gives you someone to talk to and guide you out of repetitive thoughts.

To me it sounds like you are trying to take too much responsibility for the situation when she is the one who left you. You are not the bad guy.

Personally I doubt it's possible to stay friends with a girl who you were with for that length of time. I would want to move on if there is no possibility of being with her anymore.