Am I too damaged to be fixed?

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Mudboy
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19 Feb 2018, 4:45 pm

Quote:
What changed at 17?

Marknis wrote:
quote=""I realized I wasn't getting a girlfriend no matter how much I prayed or wanted one while my classmates were constantly dating, I still wasn't in a rock band but other people I knew were, I sucked at drawing no matter how hard I tried but even people younger than me were creating well done drawings, and my difficulties with math made my career prospects look bleak. It was like everything around me was falling apart and my brain was being marinated in some sort of disgusting bile.

I was 19 when I got my first girlfriend.


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auntblabby
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19 Feb 2018, 4:53 pm

I didn't get my one and only "GF experience" until I was in my 50s :bigsmurf: which was too late. it did give me a taste of what I had lacked up until then. but I absolutely cannot handle another breakup. mebbe in the next life i'll manage to do better. I reckon most of y'all will do better.



katdances
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20 Feb 2018, 12:57 am

auntblabby wrote:
I didn't get my one and only "GF experience" until I was in my 50s :bigsmurf: which was too late. it did give me a taste of what I had lacked up until then. but I absolutely cannot handle another breakup. mebbe in the next life i'll manage to do better. I reckon most of y'all will do better.


That's what scares me a bit to be honest. I haven't been in a relationship and I'm thirty. More and more I'm starting to think that if it ever happens, if/when it ends, it would be too hard for me to deal that I would seclude even more. I'm not a person that someone gets to know easily. I've also thought seriously that maybe I'm not supposed to have someone, which saddens me.



Last edited by katdances on 20 Feb 2018, 1:15 am, edited 1 time in total.

katdances
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20 Feb 2018, 1:13 am

Marknis wrote:
fluffysaurus wrote:
Marknis wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
Marknis wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
Marknis wrote:
I feel like I am too "damaged" as a person to ever get better. I want a better life but all I get are walls at everything I do. I keep getting the message that I can't move forward and I should just disappear. I am no longer "new"; I didn't achieve certain expectations in my developmental years so I feel like an outdated product that should be thrown away. :(


You’re not damaged. You just need to work on changing your thinking a bit. You seem like someone who is capable of aches more, but you need to believe in yourself.


Aches?


Autocorrect. It should say “much”.


My thought patterns have been the way they are since I was 17. If it takes another 12 years to fix my thinking, I should just kill myself already.

What changed at 17?


I realized I wasn't getting a girlfriend no matter how much I prayed or wanted one while my classmates were constantly dating, I still wasn't in a rock band but other people I knew were, I sucked at drawing no matter how hard I tried but even people younger than me were creating well done drawings, and my difficulties with math made my career prospects look bleak. It was like everything around me was falling apart and my brain was being marinated in some sort of disgusting bile.


Feeling the same except when I think of disappearing, it means a re-start for me. Sometimes I wish I could move to another country and start over. But I've started something already, only it keeps hitting walls and then my personal life hits walls in every aspect. It's understandable that feeling of having enough. But it's within you to not let yourself feel down. By being able to be talking about this issue in this forum, it's a way of privilege. Other people go through their lives with no clue of what's happening to them, no one listening, no one helping. Some succumb, some take it as motivation and make things work. How they did that? I'm still trying to figure it out.

I do think everyone is damaged someway and not all of us develop at the same time. Sure, it's annoying and it hurts to see so many moving on with their lives and achieving stuff, but you need to be patient with yourself and keep working. It's very important that you are, since in the end, no one is inside our minds and it's only up to us to control what happens in there. Keep trying, skills take a lot of practice and that others have it easier than you young or old, shouldn't put you down. You're doing this for yourself, not for someone else.



auntblabby
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20 Feb 2018, 4:25 am

katdances wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
I didn't get my one and only "GF experience" until I was in my 50s :bigsmurf: which was too late. it did give me a taste of what I had lacked up until then. but I absolutely cannot handle another breakup. mebbe in the next life i'll manage to do better. I reckon most of y'all will do better.


That's what scares me a bit to be honest. I haven't been in a relationship and I'm thirty. More and more I'm starting to think that if it ever happens, if/when it ends, it would be too hard for me to deal that I would seclude even more. I'm not a person that someone gets to know easily. I've also thought seriously that maybe I'm not supposed to have someone, which saddens me.

but I also should mention I have a few good memories I can look back on and offer myself some comfort in trying times. I know my human limitations, I am the way god made me, it had to be for a definite reason that i'm the way I am. I know I try hard to practice the golden rule and be good to people who want me to be good to them. this keeps me from being sad.



Marknis
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20 Feb 2018, 10:07 pm

An ex-friend claimed I couldn't see the tools that I had to fix myself. She never specified but I suppose it doesn't matter anymore.



kraftiekortie
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20 Feb 2018, 10:11 pm

Will you stop listening to these people!



Marknis
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25 Feb 2018, 11:16 pm

I lost my therapy last week and I feel horrible but I have no one to turn to. :( This is how it always ends up for me.



auntblabby
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25 Feb 2018, 11:24 pm

I am curious as to how or why the therapy stopped. mental health care sure is expensive, I have found that as I aged out of DVR/DSHS care, I had to learn how to be my own therapist, as it is basically unaffordable unless one has $$$$$ or lives in a nation with relatively generous social services.



katdances
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05 Mar 2018, 10:05 pm

auntblabby wrote:
katdances wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
I didn't get my one and only "GF experience" until I was in my 50s :bigsmurf: which was too late. it did give me a taste of what I had lacked up until then. but I absolutely cannot handle another breakup. mebbe in the next life i'll manage to do better. I reckon most of y'all will do better.


That's what scares me a bit to be honest. I haven't been in a relationship and I'm thirty. More and more I'm starting to think that if it ever happens, if/when it ends, it would be too hard for me to deal that I would seclude even more. I'm not a person that someone gets to know easily. I've also thought seriously that maybe I'm not supposed to have someone, which saddens me.

but I also should mention I have a few good memories I can look back on and offer myself some comfort in trying times. I know my human limitations, I am the way god made me, it had to be for a definite reason that i'm the way I am. I know I try hard to practice the golden rule and be good to people who want me to be good to them. this keeps me from being sad.


sometimes I just want more you know? It's a bit baffling seeing people just coupling up like it's no big deal. It's discouraging.



auntblabby
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05 Mar 2018, 10:15 pm

katdances wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
katdances wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
I didn't get my one and only "GF experience" until I was in my 50s :bigsmurf: which was too late. it did give me a taste of what I had lacked up until then. but I absolutely cannot handle another breakup. mebbe in the next life i'll manage to do better. I reckon most of y'all will do better.


That's what scares me a bit to be honest. I haven't been in a relationship and I'm thirty. More and more I'm starting to think that if it ever happens, if/when it ends, it would be too hard for me to deal that I would seclude even more. I'm not a person that someone gets to know easily. I've also thought seriously that maybe I'm not supposed to have someone, which saddens me.

but I also should mention I have a few good memories I can look back on and offer myself some comfort in trying times. I know my human limitations, I am the way god made me, it had to be for a definite reason that i'm the way I am. I know I try hard to practice the golden rule and be good to people who want me to be good to them. this keeps me from being sad.


sometimes I just want more you know? It's a bit baffling seeing people just coupling up like it's no big deal. It's discouraging.

that is why we can't compare ourselves to anybody else. the comparisons will generally reflect relatively poorly on us. so it does no good to entertain such thoughts. it is like expecting a fish to ride a bicycle, we have to concentrate on what capacities we do have.



kraftiekortie
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05 Mar 2018, 10:24 pm

Or a fish to climb a tree, per Einstein.....



auntblabby
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05 Mar 2018, 10:28 pm

I liked steinam's example better :)