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Joe90
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06 Feb 2018, 4:59 am

Normally I'm not 'too honest', but once in a while I blurt something out that I should have kept quiet.

So I know this guy and a week ago he started a job at the same place I work. He's known to drink alcohol in some evenings and suffer a hangover, and of course he done this on a night when he had a long shift the next morning and he was vomiting, and so had to call in sick already.
The following day, when I had a shift, my workmates asked me if this guy was all right because he had not come to work yesterday. Now, I said the truth; "he had been drinking", but later on that day one of my workmates (who also knows this guy) told me that I shouldn't have said he'd been drinking and that I should have just pretended I didn't know about it. She said that the truth will get around the workplace and finally to the boss, and he'll get in trouble for having time off for drinking, and it might cost him his job.

Now, it might sound like I did the right thing by being honest, but if he does get into trouble for not turning up because of drinking the night before a shift, he's going to hate me for being a 'telltale', and I will feel bad because I usually can keep these things to myself and sprout out a lie to cover people up. But this time, for some reason, I didn't. I just said the truth without really thinking.

I'm so stupid though. Why didn't I just keep my mouth shut? Now I've costed myself a friendship. :oops: :roll:


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Chronos
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06 Feb 2018, 5:51 am

Joe90 wrote:
Normally I'm not 'too honest', but once in a while I blurt something out that I should have kept quiet.

So I know this guy and a week ago he started a job at the same place I work. He's known to drink alcohol in some evenings and suffer a hangover, and of course he done this on a night when he had a long shift the next morning and he was vomiting, and so had to call in sick already.
The following day, when I had a shift, my workmates asked me if this guy was all right because he had not come to work yesterday. Now, I said the truth; "he had been drinking", but later on that day one of my workmates (who also knows this guy) told me that I shouldn't have said he'd been drinking and that I should have just pretended I didn't know about it. She said that the truth will get around the workplace and finally to the boss, and he'll get in trouble for having time off for drinking, and it might cost him his job.

Now, it might sound like I did the right thing by being honest, but if he does get into trouble for not turning up because of drinking the night before a shift, he's going to hate me for being a 'telltale', and I will feel bad because I usually can keep these things to myself and sprout out a lie to cover people up. But this time, for some reason, I didn't. I just said the truth without really thinking.

I'm so stupid though. Why didn't I just keep my mouth shut? Now I've costed myself a friendship. :oops: :roll:


Honestly I wouldn't be too upset with yourself over this. There will always be someone out there who will want you to keep a dirty secret and who will become upset that you don't. Your values are not their values and what right do they have to demand that you conform to their values more than they conform to yours? To be perfectly honest, if your co-worker had said to me what I should have or shouldn't have said in this instance, they would have run afoul of me. I have a particular problem with people who try to impede on my ethical foundation or burden me with lies. Personally I think friendships where one has to "walk on egg shells" so to speak, aren't worth it. I would have very likely told your co-worker off on the spot. I'm not recommending you do this, I am just stating what my response to the situation would have been. I find that when I'm harsh on these matters, people generally don't bother me about them again.



kraftiekortie
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06 Feb 2018, 10:18 am

I hope the guy gets off the liquor. Then he wouldn't have this problem.



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09 Feb 2018, 12:25 pm

It sounds like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place here but I wouldn't be too upset or worry if he will hate you or not because
1. He started that job
2. He's has a has a problem with drinking and is already calling in sick after starting work (Bad idea)

His behavior is already telling me that he doesn't care about working and doesn't want to be there.

On the other hand, you don't want to tell your other co-workers everything because, yes, that could get around and hurt their reputation. It's better to tell your supervisor or your boss in private and just let others know that he wasn't feeling good and called in sick.



justRob
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09 Feb 2018, 6:40 pm

I agree that it sounds like you weren't too off base here. Sounds like a legit tricky situation to handle, lots of options each with both good and bad outcomes for you. And ethically questionable no matter what you do. You're kind of set up by your co-workers behavior and moreover his lies. So don't be hard on yourself... I think we all get used to making social blunders so when we get called out we assume it's actually our fault. In this case, I think safe to say your co-worker's deceptions and lying to hide his problems are messing things up for those around him.

With that said, if you worry for your friendship,, it's always an option to tell your co-worker that you feel bad for telling others about his drinking, and you hope it doesn't mess anything up for him. And maybe she'll offer up back that it put you in a tricky situation there, and you couldn't know that he wanted to hide this from other coworkers. Or you could mention that, without any hard feelings.

Only if you really feel like this though.... any way you cut it, the drinker is managing a web of lies and your coworker friend is going along with it and making you feel bad about it... You're the only one here who SHOULDN'T feel guilty!



Joe90
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10 Feb 2018, 5:59 am

I think the reason I said it was because I was trying to reassure the 2 colleagues that his sickness was not caused by a stomach flu. This awful norovirus that had hit the UK this winter has been freaking everyone out, and I knew this guy was sick due to drinking because he's done the same multiple times before, and nobody else in his household was sick (and this norovirus spreads like wildfire). But I still didn't think about what I was saying.

But I think it has blown over now, as it's nearly a week later and I don't think it got round the workplace. I just don't want to be viewed as a grasser or tattletale. I know telling the truth sounds right, but I rather not get involved and just keep out of things. You can't get blamed for anything then.


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justRob
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10 Feb 2018, 9:50 am

Joe90 wrote:
I know telling the truth sounds right, but I rather not get involved and just keep out of things. You can't get blamed for anything then.


Yeah I hear that. I feel like "honesty is the best policy" only applies to close relationships, and even then only with those who have shown they can handle the truth. With coworkers and most people you've got to just say and do what you need to keep things pleasant and functional. Then get a healthy vent out when we we inevitably mess something up and get talked down to by an NT coworker :? I can't stand when that happens to me at work so I think I can relate to the feeling, but it always seems to pass over with time, and some basic relationship management like listening, showing concern, being nice, showing signs that you care about your work-friendship. Altgough the effectiveness of that stuff depends on your co-worker's personailty type, I feel like with most people at the co-worker level of relationship, a little of that stuff seems to fix up an unintentional "mess-up" of the social/interpersonal kind. Anyway glad to hear it didn't turn into anything big!