Do people even want me to have a girlfriend?

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That doesn’t make sense, Marknis.

Why would somebody NOT want you to have a girlfriend—unless that person is some kind of nut.

I would like it if you had a girlfriend.

What people are saying—is that getting a girlfriend SHOULDN’T BE YOUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY.

We sure do. And we are trying to help you change your focus, in order to make it more likely to happen. Because an extreme focus on "finding someone" looks, to outsiders, as if the person looking for someone doesn't care about who that person really is - they just want a warm body. (That is Elliot Rodger, in a nutshell, and I do mean nut.)

And that nondiscriminate desire for "the thing" more than a person is a real turnoff to anyone worth relating to. It's a paradox. The more you want a romantic relationship as the end-all and be-all, the less it's likely to happen, because you're actually surrounded by relationships - all kinds - and rejecting all of them due to them not being the "type" of relationship you want.

It's also a guarantee of disappointment. Why? Because while you're avoiding real relationships of other kinds, you're losing contact with what real relationships are. And when you do find a potential love interest, they'll never be able to equal the ideal partner/ideal relationship you've imagined. Because ideal relationships don't exist, and non-romantic relationships are the best way to practice relating to others in the real world.

So the best way forward, really, is to enjoy the relationships you have... the ones that are enjoyable. Start backing off from the ones that aren't, the people who drain you, mock you and pretend it's humor, take you for granted, take and don't give back. And start filling that space, where the bad relationships were, with what you are actually interested in - don't just grab for another person; look at your interests and check them out.

You're building your future self - you really truly are not doomed to be just a hollow shell, with a poster inside it that says "I am nothing because I don't have a life partner". You can be a solid, 3-D, good human being who has likes and interests and values, who knows who he is, and knows what he stands for. That produces a quiet, solid self-confidence that doesn't need to be advertised, and is very attractive, because it's real, because you're real. PS, you're already a good 80% of the way there. You don't believe that, but it's true.

Suggested viewing: Four Weddings And A Funeral. It's a rom-com, yeah, but not only, and it has a lot to say. Also suggested: When Harry Met Sally. Likewise.

We can't magic you into a parallel world where all this has already been fixed, dear Marknis (meant sincerely. You are quite dear, and well worthwhile). All we can do is give you the best maps we have.

Good points by Kraftie, Grand Inquisitor and Esmerelda.
All of us, I think, would love to see you get a girlfriend, Marknis.

In all honesty, though, and I hope this does not sound too blunt, your efforts are being undermined by the intensity of your need. It puts too much pressure onto any girl, that so much of your emotional well-being is staked on the success of the relationship. She should want to be with you for her own enjoyment and yours, and free to be as intimate or distant as she is comfortable with, rather than have this determined by your expectations.

Though it may seem counter-intuitive, by saying that you don't need a girlfriend, I think people are actually trying to support you in taking the psychological steps needed to get one.

Your "friend" is an idiot, Sly.

What is he, some kind of fortune teller?

^^This.
I like your posts, Sly, you're a decent guy.
There's something very wrong with the world if there's no one out there for you.

I'm pretty neutral on the matter. I don't see any reason why you shouldn't ever get a girlfriend. Plenty of awful people manage, and you don't strike me as awful.

I knew that Elliot Rodger or Sodini will be mentioned by some lady poster while forgetting that a lot of women-killers are actually the husbands/bfs of victims. (because the OP is male, inexperienced, and wants a gf).

Elliot Rodger has nothing to do with the guys here.

People make use of Elliot Rodger in order to try to insult guys.

Guys should just ignore those who mention Rodger's name.

I made before a whole thread on violence against women stats along the years (In the US too) including abusing, rape and murdering - showing how the majority of these crimes are done by bfs and husbands, not by single guys.

Yet, all what they remember is elliot rodger.

Sorry, Boo; if your comment is obliquely directed at me, you're as wrong as wrong can be.

I mention Elliot Rodger above specifically because Marknis created another thread on this discussion site, in which he mentioned that people are comparing him (Marknis), to that freak (Rodger), as an insult (and it's an extremely vile one).

Here 'tis: viewtopic.php?t=360069

I care enough about Marknis to have remembered his post, and am discrediting that criticism here again, because he in no way deserves it. I made a supportive comment on the other thread as well.

Here's that: viewtopic.php?t=360069#p7816695

(I don't mind valid criticism, but I strenuously object to calumny. As most Aspies would. )

Have a nice - rest of the day? You're in Beirut? So it's 3 PM there, or a little after.

Esmerelda mentioned Elliot Rodger's name because it was mentioned in the thread in relation to what Marknis has been told by idiots on the Internet. No other reason.

She wanted to point out that Rodger has no relation to the guys here. Nobody here is like Elliot Rodger, whatsoever.

She made an excellent point: And this applies to ALL GENDERS. Anybody who seems "desperate" in anything is one who raises "red flags." I seemed "desperate" in my early 20s. Girls backed far away from me.

Elliot Rodger killed because there was some kind of narcissistic psychosis going on with him. Something that was not compatible with living in the real world. Not because he had Asperger's.

It's like saying Ted Kaczyinski sent all those bombs because he had Asperger's, rather than an extreme paranoiac psychosis. He was quite an intelligent man with quite a mental illness.

There was something going on with Rodger and Kaczyinski which went well beyond Asperger's, and well beyond feeling rejected.

And well beyond the "troubles" of men here who feel frustrated and rejected.